Friday, July 25, 2008

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On the brink of insanity. But a hope is ahead. Far, far ahead.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

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Ichirin No Hana By: High and Mighty Color (Translated) You are the only "you" There is no such thing as your replacement Don't wilt away, single flower You are like a flower That bloomed in a dark shadow Even though you're in a place you didn't wish to be, You can't move because of your roots Just spit out your closed-up feelings I'll accept all of your pain and suffering So please don't cry Please smile, single flower I wanted to see your innocent figure That looked as if it were about to wilt, one more time I want to become your strength Even if there comes a time When the whole world becomes our enemy I'll protect you YOU SHOULD NOTCIE THAT THERE IS NO OTHER YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO OTHER YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO NEXT... TIME NOTICE THAT YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT NOTICE THAT THERE'S NO OTHER You are the only "you" Till now and from now on Even if there comes a time When the whole world becomes our enemy I'll protect you So don't give up, single flower YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO OTHER YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO OTHER YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO NEXT... TIME NOTICE THAT YOU SHOULD NOTICE THAT NOTICE THAT THERE'S NO OTHER This is one of the Bleach openings, I liked it. Yeah. Adios.

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

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Break Away By: Tokio Hotel I've got other plans today Don't need permission anyway 'cause here we're standing after all With my back against the wall Against the wall I put all the blame on you 'bout me in all that I went through You don't give me any choice Now I'm gonna make some noise Make some noise I feel so Claustrophobic here Watch out Now you better disappear You can't make me stay I'll break away Break away I'm warning you, don't follow me I won't miss you, can't you see What you wanted it didn't work Go on digging in the dirt In the dirt Cold sweat on your brow Now you can hear me shout The world is about to distruct Now I'm gonna pull the plug Pull the plug I feel so Claustrophobic here Watch out Now you better disappear You can't make me stay I'll break away Break away No one counting all your lies No more waiting for your goodbyes It's too late Much too late You are like a bitter pill That I had to take Against my will I feel so Claustrophobic here Watch out Now you better disappear You can't make me stay I'll break away Break away I feel so Claustrophobic here Watch out Now you better disappear You can't make me stay I'll break away Break away Break away Break away

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Fuck her. I just want to rip something apart right now. I'm so, so... SICK of this. It's my life. MINE. What the fuck do you think you're doing planing MY life like I'm a 10 year old? You make me hate you. You make me want to run, and get the hell outa here as soon as I can. You make me want to throw myself in front of an 18-wheeler. I'm sorry I'm not sociable enough for you, sorry you're obsessed with me and never want to let me go. Stop planning my life, get your fucking hands off me. I'm not your angel child that you want to show off to everyone, stop putting a leash on me and touting me around like a showdog. You think I'm so different from every other kid because I act nice to you, because I ACT how you want me to. Fuck that. You don't know the real me at all. You'd hate the real me if you knew who I was. I don't like being outside, I don't like going to the pool, getting sunburned. I don't have the patience to deal with bratty, selfish little kids right now. I don't have the patience to deal with bratty, selfish adults right now. I don't want to go visit someone I used to be friends with in elementary school and now have nothing in common with. And I don't want to hear your incessant rambling about Home Depot and granite countertops, and couches, and chairs, and paint samples, and trim, and floor boards, and carpet, lamps, windows, construction, floor tiles, fucking SCREWS, I DON'T CARE. Go fuck yourself. You want to visit people, fine. You want to put this huge project on your shoulders, even though you're too overwhelmed from other things, fine. Don't fucking drag me with you. Just fucking let go of me. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Sorry

Yeah, just wanted to let you guys know that my below comment about wanting my friends to shut up, it wasn't referring to any of you. If you want to talk to me, I'd be happy to talk, there are just certain other people that I don't want to deal with right now. Just to clear things up. I love you all, forgive my selfishness.

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Mood: Seiranshoku

Hey my pretties. I'm definetely not in the best of moods today. I've had a really hard couple of weeks, and I guess my emo cycle hasn't finished yet, but I'm just pissed off at everything. And you know, I love all my friends, but I really can't deal with people right now. People are too emotional, and I can't handle any more emotion than my own. I can feel it, I'm so close to the edge, so close to breaking, and I know that only more stress is coming up. I have less than a month to finish five months worth of school, or I'm not graduating. Yeah. Like that's gonna happen with my crazy ass mother having me do every little chore around the house, and work to deal with. But whatever. I'm just shaking with emotion right now, and I have all these friends complaining that I'm not talking to them and shit, and I just wanna tell them all to SHUT UP, I just can't deal with people right now! People are so selfish, and I know I am too, but I JUST CAN'T. Everyone just needs to go away for a little while. So, if I don't post or get online for ages, forgive me, I just need to recover what little sanity I have left. And really, it's nothing personal. I'm about ready to stab anyone that comes near me, even if they just want to know what's wrong. I'm sorry, but, I'm soooooo gone. Seiranshoku means livid.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mood: Ikaru

Hey-lo my pretties, how is everyone? I figured I'd actually give you that in-depth-ish update I promised a little while ago. Before I continue, October, you should be reading this by tomorrow, I hope, but check your inbox because I PMed you, and check my archives, I've got a song I wanted you to see. Okay, continuing... Hum, feeling alright,I guess, a bit more stressed out than normal cuz we're having a garage sale, and I'm selling some of my own junk but... *shrugs* It's just annoying really, that's all. Over all, just a general sense of wanting to escape and just get my life started. Let's go way back, now shall we? I took the ACT (yuck) and got way better than I thought I'd get. I'd say a 30 isn't bad? Right? ^_^ I got perfect scores in English and reading, but math and science pulled my composite score down like hell. Damn math. Actually, it wasn't even the math so much as the time limit. If I'd had 20 extra minutes on the math and 10 extra minutes on the science, I would have done way better. But whatever. What's done is done, and I never want to take that fucker of a test again. I dated and broke up with a guy named Matt, he was a good guy, but I don't know. I guess I'm just retarded. Hopefully we'll get the chance to remain friends, though I probably won't get the chance to see him till I sneak over to visit everyone at band camp. Although, he could actually be reading this... I'm currently being hounded by my friend Henry, who really likes me, has liked me since freshman year, and although he is a very good friend of mine, I've said no every time he has asked me out. *sighs* I don't know, I guess it's nice to be liked, but it's really hard to hurt a good friend like him every time I turn him down. But I'm just not interested. To tell you the truth, I think I'm going through one of those "I'm almost a complete lesbian" stages that I go through sometimes. It comes and goes, but I'd really just like to be with a woman right now. I'd really like to be with a woman forever. *shrugs* Anyway... I haven't graduated yet. I still have a freakish amount of schoolwork to do, all before August 15, because that's when we have to send my curriculum back to the school, I don't know how I'm gonna finish it. But whatever. I'll finish. I have to. Still don't know what my future holds. Though a random terrifying thought went through my head that I don't really want to go to college at all, but then my mom said she'd be disappointed in me if I didn't, so that plan went down the drain. I have no idea what I'm gonna do, but as each day passes, I am growing more and more determined to move to Japan. Especially if Obama gets elected President. No offense. Something really frightens me about him. And it's not that he's a democrat, because I don't care about that, just something I can't put my finger on, like it'll be a big mistake if we elect him. I don't know. Whatever. I am considering adding photographer to my list of possible careers though. I got inspired by these haunting black and white photos I found on the internet (I've posted them on my site), and I'd love to be able to create that kinda of emotion from a photograph. So, we'll see what happens. I watched Wanted, and loved the ending lines: Wesley: Six weeks ago I was ordinary and pathetic, just like you. Who am I now? Account manager? Assassin? Just another tool who was mind fucked into killing his father? I am all of these. I am none of these. Who am I now? This is not me fulfilling my destiny. This not me following in my fathers footsteps. This is definitely not me saving the world. Sloan: Still trying to figure out who you are? Wesley: This is not me... this is just a mother fucking decoy. Sloan: [Sloan looks down to a X made of post-it notes on the floor] Oh fuck. [Wesley's bullet rips through his head] Wesley: This is me taking control, from Sloan, from the fraternity, from Janis, billing reports, ergonomic keyboards, from cheating girlfriends and sack of shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life. What the fuck have you done lately? I love that last line! "What the fuck have you done lately?" HAHAHAHA, awesome. It's inspirational really. It actually encouraged me to remember not to let others control my life. So yeah. Sweet movie. Now I might just not go to college and go get married to a woman. Maybe. *shrugs* I went and saw Wall-E with Apanda, haha, best movie ever!!!! Really! It was ridiculously cute! Apanda and I left the theatre with our faces hurting from smiling for so long! ^_^ I recently went to a Japanese restaurant with Justine, it was fantastic to see her and talk to her, although, I feel like I ranted a little too much, I wish I had asked more about how she's doing. But that's just thoughtless me, right? *shakes head* I hate myself sometimes. But whatever. We did agree that our problems always seem to go back to money. Stupid money. That our lives would be better if we had money. Not a lot, not like being rich or anything, but enough so we could move out of our crazy-ass houses, and fulfill our dreams. Curses. Oh, and I know I mentioned it before, but for October and Justine's sake, here's the link to the blog Ryry and I started: http://frustratedeveryday.blogspot.com And yes, October, Ry is a good friend of mine, he's the one I ranted about a while back who didn't like Christian music. And, as you can probably tell, I am going through one of my progressively more frequent emo stages. But thinking about it the other day, I began to realize a common pattern to my emo-ness. It starts off with something pushing me over my edge of sanity. This could be something retarded like disappointment with my mother, or not getting an alone day in FIVE FUCKING WEEKS, or my father being his racist, narcissistic, lazy-ass self, anything. Something pushes me over to despair. And I just get really sad and cry myself to sleep a couple nights in a row. Then, because I can't physically take being so emotional for so long, I shut down. I feel nothing for a couple more days. Nothing phases me, I'm indifferent to whatever happens to me. After that, I guess my heart is trying to bring me back to stability, so I get defiant. I get all "Fuck off, I can do this on my own." I start thinking that the only one who can help me, is me, and that's when I need my alone time the most, otherwise, I'll lash out. And I'll usually hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. But if I do get some peace and quiet, some rest from everyone else's emotional outbursts, then things get better. Then I can get happy-ish again. Until someone else starts the retarded cycle all over again. So yeah. That's what I discovered about myself. I'm pathetically predictable. Right now, I'm in the "Fuck off" defiance stage, and guess, what? I'm not getting my alone time, so for now, I'm just going to be selfish and not answer calls from 'friends' I have no patience for (and no one reading this is included in that comment, no worries), I'm not going to answer emails from needy, overly emotional 'friends' who want to get in my pants, I'm not going to let my mom guilt me into doing what she thinks is best for me, and I'm not gonna let my worthless father take the fucking basement from me. I NEED the basement to be my room, or I'm gonna fucking shoot myself in the head. Or run away and not come back. Whichever seems more convenient to me at the time. SO, in honor of my super emo-ness, here's a song. I just like the chorus. Prayer of the Refugee By: Rise Against Warm yourself by the fire, son, And the morning will come soon. I’ll tell you stories of a better time, In a place that we once knew. Before we packed our bags And left all this behind us in the dust, We had a place that we could call home, And a life no one could touch. Chorus: Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Down! We are the angry and the desperate, The hungry, and the cold, We are the ones who kept quiet, And always did what we were told. But we’ve been sweating while you slept so calm, In the safety of your home. We’ve been pulling out the nails that hold up Everything you’ve known. Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! So open your eyes child, Let’s be on our way. Broken windows and ashes Are guiding the way. Keep quiet no longer, We’ll sing through the day, Of the lives that we’ve lost, And the lives we’ve reclaimed. Go! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up… (I don’t need your help, I’ll stand my ground) Don’t hold me up… (I don’t need your help) No! No! No! Don’t hold me up! (I don’t need your help, I’ll stand my ground) Don’t hold me up! (I don’t need your help, I’ll stand my ground) Don’t let me down, down, down, down, down! Phew! That was a long one! But hey, there's my every once in a blue moon Rose update. I don't know next time I'll be on. Love you all more than life itself! Ato my pretties. Oh, and ikaru means angry.

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Monday, July 7, 2008

For My October

Hey Guys, I know I posted these lyrics before, and I know this song is on my site. But I wanted October to know these lyrics, and maybe be encouraged by them. Feel better beloved. Beauty From Pain By: Superchick The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died And all that's left is to accept that it's over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made I try to keep warm but I just grow colder I feel like I'm slipping away After all this has passed, I still will remain After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today, Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place And though I can't understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday And see how you've brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames After all this has passed, I still will remain After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today, Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain Here I am, at the end of me Trying to hold to what I can't see I forgot how to hope This night's been so long I cling to Your promise There will be a dawn After all this has passed, I still will remain After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today, Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain I love you always October, never forget you are loved.

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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Mood: Kinonai

Hey guys, I haven't been on, really on, in a while, and I can't leave a long post today, but I wanted to drop in. Ryan and I started a blog together, if you want to check it out: http://frustratedeveryday.blogspot.com Everything is kinda bleh over on this end, although I am super happy for October. He better treat you right sweetheart, or I'm driving all the way down to Texas to beat him! :) Hum, otherwise, I guess I'm just sick of still living at home, but I've got no way to get out, so that's no good. Work is good, I like it better now. Uh, yeah, that's all I can think of. So everyone, enjoy yourselves, I hope to update again soon. Ato! Kinonai mean indifferent or dispirited. Survive By: Rise Against Somewhere between happy, and total fucking wreck Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge To spend your waking moments, simply killing time Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your... Life for you, (who we are) has been less than kind So take a number, (who we are) stand in line We've all been sorry, (who we are) we've all been hurt But how we survive, (who we are) is what makes us who we are An obvious disinterest, a barely managed smile A deep nod in agreement, a status quo exile I shirk my obligations, I miss all your deadlines I excel at quitting early, and fucking up my life Life for you, (who we are) has been less than kind So take a number, (who we are) stand in line We've all been sorry, (who we are) we've all been hurt But how we survive, (who we are) is what makes us who we are All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day Everything always works out, I have never felt so fucking great All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day Everything always works out, I have never felt so great (Life isn't like this) (Life isn't like this) (Life isn't like this) (Life isn't like this) (Life isn't like this) Life isn't like this (Life isn't like this) Life isn't like this (Life isn't like this) Are we verging on an answer, or fucking up our... Life for you, (who we are) has been less than kind So take a number, (who we are) stand in line We've all been sorry, (who we are) we've all been hurt But how we survive, (who we are) is what makes us who we are (Who we are) It's what makes us who we are (Who we are) Makes us who we are (Who we are) It's what makes us who we are (Who we are)

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Friday, June 27, 2008

For Matt

i'd hate to be you when they find out what this song is about by: mayday parade we'd both go down together we'd stay there forever just try to get up and i'm sorry this wasn't easy when i asked you, believe me and never let go well i'm thinking of the worst things that i could say to you but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore and this never will be right with me and now you're trying to desperately but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say and then we both go down together we may stay there forever i'll just try to get up and i'm sorry this wasn't easy when i asked you, believe me you never let go but i let go i could only sing you sad songs and you could sing along and you could see the melody that's been calling out your wrongs and this never will be right with me and now you're trying to desperately but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say but i never told you everything i'm losing hope and fading dreams and every single memory along the way and then we both go down together we may stay there forever i'll just try to get up and i'm sorry this wasn't easy when i asked you, believe me you never let go but i let go and we both go down together and stay there forever just try to get up and then we both go down together we may stay there forever i'll just try to get up and i'm sorry this wasn't easy when i asked you, believe me you never let go but i let you go

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