Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Mood: Mukureru

I have an hour while my mom is running errands, so I figured I'd post. And Apanda, my apologies, but I'll be swearing a lot, for a little while. *shrugs* I need to preface this with the admission that I'm not mad at Ryan, I just feel the need to vent over one of his short comings. Ryan is one of my best friends, but we're similar enough that we clash sometimes. He's the only friend I ever fight with. Ryan and I got into an argument yesterday while he was driving me home. We always drive around for a little while to avoid going home, and we listen to music. He's always got some new band that he's found that he thinks I'll like, and so it's fun. Now, he's really into the Flobots, and I'll put one of their songs on here later because I'm feeling all musical today. Anyway, he introduced me a while ago to one of my now favorite bands, This Providence, and I brought up why I liked them so much. I kind of figured that Ryan hadn't realized this, but I mentioned that their whole CD is really spiritual, and he just fucking scoffs at me. He's all, "Only because you're looking for it, have you gone through all their lyrics?" So I tell him, "Yeah, actually, I've read all of them, and almost all their songs have something to do with spiritual things,". And Ryan isn't having it. So he says, "Kay, one song is about a whore," And I say, "Yeah, and then the last verse is word for word, straight out of the Bible, part of Proverbs Chapter 1," And he just looks at me like I'm completely insane and won't believe me. He keeps saying I'm looking for it, and that's why I think half of This Providence's songs are about God, and I'm like, "I'm not fucking looking for it! I liked them before I realized what their songs meant, now I like them even more, and I'm not projecting my views into the lyrics, the lead singer himself said the album was really spiritual, and look at the fucking name of the band! This Providence! Do you know what providence means?" Dictionary definition of Providence: 1. (often initial capital letter) the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth. 2. (initial capital letter) God, esp. when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence. 3. a manifestation of divine care or direction. So Ryan just goes, "Fine, I'll have to delete them off my iPod." So I'm sitting there completely at a loss for words, I mean, why the fuck is it such a bad thing that the band has some Christian undertones? But I should have known, Ryan did this with Skillet too, and P.O.D... Skillet is my FAVORITE band, I've been listening to them since I was ten. And the only reason that I was able to do that (my mom filters all my music, I can only listen to what she has approved of) is because they're a Christian band. Ryan discovered them a few months ago and loved them, until I told him they were Christian, then he stopped listening to them. He said, "They're not cool now, Christian rock is fake." What the hell? Ryan says he's a Christian, what the hell is the big deal? It's like saying, "Omg, I love oranges, oh wait, they're orange? Oh, that's gross, I hate oranges." It just doesn't make any sense. You know, Avenged Sevenfold sings straight out of Revelation in their song Beast and the Harlot, but does that make them any less amazing? And Fucking Kanye West! Ryan loves Kayne West, and he's got that song Jesus Walks! Look! Look at the lyrics! "Jesus Walks" By: Kayne West Yo, We at war We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves (Jesus Walks) God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down (Jesus Walks with me) with me, with me, with me [fades] You know what the Midwest is? Young & Restless Where restless (Niggas) might snatch your necklace And next these (Niggas) might jack your Lexus Somebody tell these (Niggas) who Kanye West is I walk through the valley of the Chi where death is Top floor the view alone will leave you breathless Uhhhh! Try to catch it Uhhhh! It's kinda hard hard Getting choked by the detectives yeah yeah now check the method They be asking us questions, harass and arrest us Saying "we eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" Huh? Yall eat pieces of shit? What's the basis? We ain't going nowhere but got suits and cases A trunk full of coke rental car from Avis My momma used to say only Jesus can save us Well momma I know I act a fool But I'll be gone 'til November I got packs to move I Hope [Hook x2] (Jesus Walks) God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down (Jesus Walks with me) The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now (Jesus Walks) And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs (Jesus Walks with me) I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers even the strippers (Jesus walks with them) To the victims of Welfare for we living in hell here hell yeah (Jesus walks with them) Now hear ye hear ye want to see Thee more clearly I know he hear me when my feet get weary Cause we're the almost nearly extinct We rappers are role models we rap we don't think I ain't here to argue about his facial features Or here to convert atheists into believers I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus So here go my single dog radio needs this They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus That means guns, sex, lies, video tapes But if I talk about God my record won't get played Huh? Well let this take away from my spins Which will probably take away from my ends Then I hope this take away from my sins And bring the day that I'm dreaming about Next time I'm in the club everybody screaming out (Jesus Walks) God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down (Jesus Walks) The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now (Jesus Walks) And I don't thing there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs (Jesus walks with me... fades) I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long Fucking Listen to it! Is Ryan not going to listen to him now because this song makes him fucking "uncool'? Gah, this just pissed me off like no other, and quite frankly, I think our argument had a lot less to do with lyrics and a lot more to do with Ryan hating being wrong, and hating not knowing something. So I've been pissy all day. But I just needed to vent. I swear, I'm over it now, all my emotions are just amplified because I'm really sick, and I feel like shit. So whatever. I said I'd post other songs and lyrics, so here's some. Enjoy yourselves. Here's my favorite from the Flobots, the group Ryan's obsessing over this month. It may sound kinda stupid when you first listen to it, and it's total white rap, but the lyrics take a while to sink in, and then it dawns on you that he's talking about much more than what HE can do, it's a lot deeper than that. So think on it. Handlebars By: The Flobots I can ride my bike with no handlebars No handlebars No handlebars I can ride my bike with no handlebars No handlebars No handlebars Look at me, look at me hands in the air like it's good to be ALIVE and I'm a famous rapper even when the paths're all crookedy I can show you how to do-si-do I can show you how to scratch a record I can take apart the remote control And I can almost put it back together I can tie a knot in a cherry stem I can tell you about Leif Ericson I know all the words to "De Colores" And "I'm Proud to be an American" Me and my friend saw a platypus Me and my friend made a comic book And guess how long it took I can do anything that I want cuz, look: I can keep rhythm with no metronome No metronome No metronome I can see your face on the telephone On the telephone On the telephone Look at me Look at me Just called to say that it's good to be ALIVE In such a small world All curled up with a book to read I can make money open up a thrift store I can make a living off a magazine I can design an engine sixty four Miles to a gallon of gasoline I can make new antibiotics I can make computers survive aquatic conditions I know how to run a business And I can make you wanna buy a product Movers shakers and producers Me and my friends understand the future I see the strings that control the systems I can do anything with no assistance I can lead a nation with a microphone With a microphone With a microphone I can split the atoms of a molecule Of a molecule Of a molecule Look at me Look at me Driving and I won't stop And it feels so good to be Alive and on top My reach is global My tower secure My cause is noble My power is pure I can hand out a million vaccinations Or let'em all die in exasperation Have'em all grilled leavin lacerations Have'em all killed by assassination I can make anybody go to prison Just because I don't like'em and I can do anything with no permission I have it all under my command I can guide a missile by satellite By satellite By satellite and I can hit a target through a telescope Through a telescope Through a telescope and I can end the planet in a holocaust In a holocaust In a holocaust In a holocaust In a holocaust In a holocaust In a holocaust I can ride my bike with no handlebars No handle bars No handlebars I can ride my bike with no handlebars No handlebars No handlebars And here's another CHRISTIAN band for you, Underoath. Love them to death, and here's my favorite song. It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door By: Underoath I've been up at this all night long I've been drowning in my sleep I've prayed for your safe place And its time for us to leave Time is running on empty and the gas is running out I've decided that tonight is the night That I let love aside Full speed ahead this seems to be the place I've seen this once before Planned perfection sought in my dreams Hoping this would take you home Chorus 1: My knuckles have turned to white There's no turning back tonight Kiss me one last time Around this turn where the cross will cast your shadow The people will all gather To remember such a day where the flames grew as high as trees And the world it stopped, it stopped for you and me Chorus 2: My knuckles have turned to white There's no turning back tonight So hold on tight Kiss me one last time Shut your eyes I will now bring new meaning to the word alone Endless nights of dreaming of life And the days we should have spent here Drowning in my sleep, I'm drowning in my sleep Glass shatters and comes to a halt I thought we'd be there by now I thought it would be so much quicker than this Pain has never been so brilliant I made sure you were buckled in Now you can walk hand in hand with Him Well that's all I'm going to post today, obviously I was bored, and this is one long ass post. But I won't be on in a while anyway, so it's good I've left you with something to chew on. Sorry for being so pissy. Mukureru means angry or sullen.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Mood: Hanshin

AH! I’m posting! It’s short because I have no time, but deal with it, it’s all I can do! Um, geez, I don’t even know what to say, what’s new with me? Apanda is sleeping over on Friday, I’m REALLY excited about that, and Apanda, you know, because it’s Friday and there’s finals, school isn’t officially over yet, so I kept my promise that we were going to have a sleepover before school was out! HA! *grins* And October, Greg PMed me and said you were upset with him because of what he posted for you, so I just want you to know that there’s no reason to be mad at him. Please don’t hide anything from me because you think it’ll ruin what we have. I want to know what you’re thinking, all of it. And nothing will change or mess up what’s between us, okay? And I still kiss the rain for you too. Hm, lyrics, yes? (oh, and to anyone who thinks I have bad taste for posting a Good Charlotte song on here, kiss my ass, their old stuff was fantastic XP ) The Young and the Hopeless By: Good Charlotte Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me I don't know they somehow saved me And I know I'm making something out of this life they called nothing I take what I want Take what I need They say it's wrong but it's right for me I won't look down Won't say I'm sorry I know that only God can judge me And if I make it through today, will tomorrow be the same? Am I just running in place? And if I stumble and I fall Should I get up and carry on, or will it all just be the same? 'Cause, I'm young and hopeless I'm lost and I know this I'm going nowhere fast that's what they say I'm troublesome, I've fallen I'm angry at my father It's me against this world and I don't care, I don't care And no one in this industry Understands the life I lead When I sing about my past It's not a gimmick, not an act These critics and these trust fund kids Try to tell me what punk is But when I see them on the streets, they got nothing to say.... And if I make it through today, will tomorrow be the same? Am I just running in place? If I stumble and I fall Should I get up and carry on, or will it all just be the same? 'Cause, I'm young and hopeless I'm lost and I know this I'm going nowhere fast that's what they say I'm troublesome, I've fallen I'm angry at my father It's me against this world and I don't care, I don't care I don't care, now I don't care Good song. There you have it, that’s all I have time for, hugs all around! Hanshin means rebellious spirit.

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Monday, June 2, 2008

Mood: Tokuige

Hey, I'm only here for a short while! I snuck into school today to hang out with my friends, so that was fun. I've missed everyone, even though I really only wasn't in school for two days... Anyway, I have no time, just wanted to say that I orderd a wireless router and it should be here any day now, and then I'll be online more. That's all I have time for, I love everyone, and I hope to talk to you soon! Tokuige means elated.

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Mood: Ureshii

I'm alive! And aparently so is October! Her friend Greg posted for her on Monday, one day after she had been offline for a month. She's doing okay, and I'm so relieved! She found the number for her snapvine player and left me a few messages, but I don't know when I'll get the chance to listen to them... *pouts* October, I don't have the time to comment on your site today, forgive me? This is my last day of school, and I'm trying so hard not to cry, I'm gonna miss everyone so much. I can't believe how fast this year ended. Now I have to rush to find a full time job... But this also means that I won't get the chance to post again for a long time. I'm trying to get internet on my laptop, but I don't know how long that will take. I'll do my best. I will still be able to email everyday. Apanda, I really hate that I won't get to see you everyday now. I HATE it. We are having that sleepover ASAP, and I really hope it works out for next Friday. I'll talk to my mom. California was great, I got to wade in the ocean! I loved it. I love the water. I'm thinking of moving to LA. The weather's great, and it has a Make-up school that I have considered, it's a branch of the one in New York that I like. Except the one in LA has dorms, and the one in New York doesn't, so it may be a better idea. Plus, October, I'll be a lot closer to you if I go to LA... just a thought. Disney Land was actually not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. I only liked two rides. And California Adventure wasn't much better, though it did have Tower of Terror, and that was the ONLY ride that scared me, so it rocked. Ha! I'm such an adrenaline junkie... ^_^ Uh, Justine, I didn't get to say goodbye to you, I don't know the next time I'll see you, but it better be soon, or I'll have to start stalking you. Hmpf. Hey Matt, if you're reading this, what do you think of my site? I love it here, because I can really be myself. Sorry, it probably won't let you comment, because you're not registered, but email me, okay? I don't want to lose contact with you just because I'm not in school. I'm not cool with that. Here's Jess, and a quiz result I got ages ago... enjoy. Well, I'm outa time, and I really regret it, but I'm gonna try to get that internet, and October, I pray that your sister lets you on soon, I miss you so much! Bye, don't know when I'll be on next! Ureshii means Happy.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Mood: Manbyou

I'm so so sorry! I was so sick yesterday and I just couldn't get to school. I think I had food poisoning or something, I could not stop throwing up. Today I feel much better, all I've got is a stuffy nose, so I think I musta eaten something weird. I really wanted to see Apanda to see how she was doing, but alas! I have no control over the habits of my stomach. The good thing is, I think I lost like two pounds... I'm leaving tomorrow, and Mom won't let me have an alone day cuz she's still sick and she doesn't want to leave the house. I won't be able to post tomorrow, and the next time I'll be on is Tuesday. If I'm not working. So I'm trying to write all this out as fast as I can. I used to think I only had a phobia of one thing: needles. But last year, I became aware of another: Flying. I'm terrified of flying. And I've got a four hour flight tomorrow. I know it seems stupid, but I never think I'll come back from a flight. I mean like, I always think I'm gonna die. The plane will crash, you'll all here about it on the news: *News Anchor Voice* "Friday evening a Southwest Airlines plane carrying the Palatine High School Symphonic Band crashed into a mountain after severe turbulence caused the plane to loose computer navigation. Everyone was killed." *News Program Music* I'm serious. I always think it'll happen. It's sad, but I think I'll be dead tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, on the return flight on Monday. So long world, too bad I didn't have enough time to find someone to love. So that's where I am emotionally today. I'm trying to have a good day and be nice to everyone because this may be my last full day on earth. Prayers people, I need them. Uh, I'm trying to get my mom to buy me a book today, Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis. It's one of his less famous books, but in my opinion, the absolute best book in the world. I recommend it to everyone. If you can handle a hard read. Gah, I can't think of anything else to say! *hits self* Come on! It could be my last day on earth, and I can't think of anything to say?!?!? *shakes fist* Fine, I'll go through it all. Apanda, do you know how amazing you are? Never forget that you are loved. Seeing you in the hallway is the high point of my day, no matter what mood either of us are in. I look forward to it always. Thank you for being so honest with me about yourself, you're so real, and I cherish your willingness to let me into your life. If I do survive this trip, and all my dreams of being a make-up artist and moving to Japan come true, I will do everything in my power to never loose contact with you, until the day I die. I'll email you every day, and make expensive overseas phone calls because you are SO worth it, and I love you way more than I love my own life. Justine, even though I haven't seen you/talked with you nearly as much as I would have liked this year, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You're so funny, sometimes I envy how you can make something boring like a muffin into so much more. I trust you with my biggest secrets, you were the first person I ever told that I was bi, you were the only person I could trust at that time with that part of me. And I know sometimes you feel broken, and like you'll always be alone, but you've got to know that even if (and I doubt this anyway) you never find another true love, you've got friends that would kill for you, that would give their lives for you. And that's all the love anyone really needs anyway. October, if you ever read this, it's three days until you've been gone a month. I miss you so much, I don't know what to do with myself. Your passion never ceased to amaze me, and you will make your dreams come true. I know you can. You can do everything you set your heart to. And even though we're just friends for now, I still love you, and even if I never hear from you again, I'll still always love you. I've never met someone quite as perfect as you. You swept me off my feet, and I am so blessed to have met you. If I do survive this trip, and you make it to Chicago, I'm yours, all yours. I pray for you every night, for your happiness, and the fulfilment of your dreams, and (more selfishly) that I'll be able to hear from you one more time. I miss you, my beloved. Live well, and never give up. Gloria, I can't write anything to you, because if I die tomorrow, you'll die with me. See, I told you we'd die together. Thanks for never judging me on my mistakes. I love you forever. So that's all my goodbyes for now. Just figured it's better to be safe than sorry. Oh, and it's decided, Shinemenmoku is the name of my new site. It means "One's True Charater" which is perfect for the name of this site, because this is the one place that I can truly be me. Thanks to everyone who helped me decide. Goodbye for now, pray that I live to see you all again. Sorry for being melodramatic. Manbyou means 'all kinds of sickness' beacuse I'm physically and emotionally sick at the moment. I love you all.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Mood: Mikusuto

So Apanda, it's time for you to decide what my new site is gonna be called, and don't give me all that 'but later you won't like it and it'll be my fault' stuff! I like them all, and if I don't like the name of the site in a while, it'll be my fault, not yours. So I narrowed it down for you: Sokotsumono or Shinmenmoku Ha! And I won't tell you what they mean! Bwahahahahaha! Just pick which one sounds prettiest to you. I'm leaving to go on the band trip to California on Friday. It's a four hour flight, and I am terrified of flying. I'm gonna throw up. But I'm excited about the trip anyway. We're going to Santa Monica Beach, which rocks cuz I've never seen the ocean. So I'm excited. I had this dream that October drove up to California to spend the day with me at Disney Land. It was an amazing dream. In five days it'll be a month since October has been online. Mom's really sick, I've been taking care of her the past few days. She's really out of it. I have to tell her when to take her medicine, when and what to eat, I've cooked everything for her and made sure she doesn't have any dairy, I've done all her chores and stuff... She's so sick. I'm trying so hard not to get sick too, cuz then I'd be sick on the band trip, which would totally ruin everything. Work again today. I need to quit soon, I feel bad. But I need a full time job that pays at least $10 an hour, or I won't have enough for college. We'll see what happens. Apanda, I LOVE Hitsugaya-kun! I love him I love him I love him!!! *giant hug* I tried this new make-up today. First time I ever wore liquid make-up. I really don't know what to think, I mean, it's alright, and I've gotten mixed reviews. I just like it cuz it doesn't settle into the lines on the side of my mouth, my smile lines. My other make-up did that, it looked awful. So that's a plus. But it's not quite my color. I'm so white. No matter what make-up I use, it's always too dark. But it's close, so that's good. We'll see how this make-up,looks by the end of the day. Then I'll know whether or not to keep it. Um, So yeah, I think that's all that's going on... Oh, wait, so remember when I said that since we are redoing a bunch of rooms in our house, that I might get to live in the basement? Well, that's starting to look like it's not gonna happen. Dad wants it for an office, even though the office he has now is perfectly adequate, he's just a selfish dickface. But dad always gets what he wants. It's bullshit. So that's all for today, Apanda better comment this time! Miss October so much. Mikusuto means 'mixed' as in, some things are alright with me, but other things are ticking me off.

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Friday, May 16, 2008

Mood: Kinonai

I decided that for my post titles, I'm gonna do my mood in Japanese. I won't tell you what it means till the end of the post. So I've narrowed down my name search for my new site and added a few options. I've got: Sokotsumono- Thoughtless Person Samishii- Lonely and Desolate Isamashii- Valiant And the new suggestions: Shinmenmoku- One's True Character Naishougoto- Secret Watakushi- Myself So, out of those choices, pick your favorite. Please?!?!?!? Um, things are okay today. I miss Apanda so much! Holy Monkies! It was weird walking down the hallway and remembering that I wouldn't get to hug her today. *pouts* I hope she has a ton of fun at Acen. Might go see Prince Caspian today, which would be amazing!!!!! My lord, I really hope my plan works out. The other Amanda and Nat's sister Nicki might be coming with. I hope! If the plan doesn't work, then I have to clean the house all night with my mom. *sigh* I tried to watch Ouran High School Host Club, but all my amazing websites only had seven episodes! O_O So I had to ask Nicki, and she told me to Google it. Ryan's wearing a pink shirt today, it looks like it has a tampon on the back of it, even though it doesn't, but it's good for a few laughs. Mom read me a journal she found of hers this morning. She wrote it to me when I was a baby. It goes through all my accomplishments as a baby up until I was two. I used to bite people a lot. I had no kid friends cuz I'd always bite them. And I used to pull hair. It's funny cuz nowadays I find a lot of sexual pleasure in biting and hair pulling, and I used to do that all the time when I was a kid. Hm. Kinda Fruedish. If anyone knows who Frued is. I posted a new song, listen to it if you can, it's Beauty From Pain by Superchick. I posted the lyrics not too long ago. It's a stunning song. I listened to it over and over again last night. Can't wait to get the CD. Posted a Bible verse, read it, 'tis good. Posted a sweet pic too. Do you like it? I found it on a deviantart account. I've been kinda following this girl's progress through the whole year, she goes to my school. I've never met her, but one of her photographs was displayed in the hallway, and I fell in love with it,she had put her deviantart account on the bottom of the photo, so I've been keeping track of all her new photos as she uploads them. She's REALLY good. My Worlds on theOtaku are back up and running! Well, I actually ended up deleting Beauty and the Beast, the site dedicated to Gaara and Neji as a pairing. There just wasn't enough material to keep the site going. But Fox and the Hound (Gin x Aizen) and LemonAide are still going strong, so sheck them out if you can! Still searching for a good book. Had a few mediocre suggestions, I might just end up rereading some of my favorites. *dramatic sigh* Left yet another comment on October's site asking if any of her friends could have her leave me a message so I know she's doing alright. We'll see if anything happens. Hm, don't know what else is going on... Lyrics time! Yay! Alright, so I know October Hates Fall Out Boy, and for the most part, I do too, but I like this one song of theirs, so I'm posting it! ^_^ Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner By: Fall Out Boy Drink down that Gin and Kerosene, And come spit on bridges with me, Just to keep us warm. Light a match to leave me be. Light a match to leave me be. I keep my jealousy close, 'Cause it's all mine. And if you say this makes you happy, Then I'm not the only one lying. [Chorus:] Keep quiet, Nothing comes as easy as you. Can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret And your biggest mistake. The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day. I keep my jealousy close, 'Cause it's all mine. And if you say this makes you happy, Then I'm not the only one lying. Drink down that Gin and Kerosene, And come spit on bridges with me, Just to keep us warm (Just to keep us warm) Light a match to leave me be. Light a match to leave me... [Chorus x2] So wear me like a locket around your throat. I'll weigh you down. I'll watch you choke. You look so good in blue. You look so good in blue. [Chorus x3] I think the "I'll be your best kept secret, and your biggest mistake" fits in well with Nat and I. Well, it's actually getting a bit better now. We have once again established contact! Huzzah. I walked past him and ran my nail lightly across the back of his neck. He almost jumped out of his skin, he's so sensitve there. But he gave me this big grin and waved. Then when the bell rang he walked behind me down the stairs and blew in my ear. I'm so sensitive there. These little touches are almost more erotic than what we had been doing before. And it's breaking down the ice that formed between us, so it won't be awkward when I hang out with his sister at his house anymore. Well, not AS awkward. But, I'm still lonely, cuz Nat and I both know that there is nothing but lust between us, and I sure need someone to love, and to love me back. So here's some depressing lyrics for ya, more in tune to how I feel. Wait By:Earshot Something's wrong, Trying to conquer these fears I thought were gone. And it's been so long, I'm dying to live in a world I don't belong Chorus: I can't wait for someone to hear me, And wait for someone to touch me. And wait forever to be told, I'm forever alone. I can't wait for someone to feel me, And wait for someone to heal me. And wait forever to be told, I'm forever alone.. On my own, I'll show myself what it means to be alone. And the tears I cry are washed away. All the scars are my disguise. Chorus I'm forever alone. I'm forever alone. I'm forever alone. I, I'm not waiting here this time. There you have it, a good old fashioned depressing song. I'll have to find it on imeem and see what it sounds like. Although, I won't be changing the song on this website for a long time. I really love the song I have now. ^_^ *sigh* I really have nothing else to say, nothing new under the sun, so I'ma leave you with another Bible verse to ponder. Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." Ato my pretties, I'm gone for the weekend! 'Kinonai' means indifferent.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Over It, Over Him

Well, these lyrics don't exactly fit the situation Nat and I were in, because I never loved him and all, but the feeling is the same. Wishes By: Superchick The saddest thing is you could be anything, that you could want. We could've been everything, but now we're not. Now it's not anything at all. The hardest part was getting this close to you And giving up this dream I built with you. A fairy tale that isn't coming true. You've got some growing up to do. *CHORUS* I wish we could have worked it out. I wish I didn't have these doubts, I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now. I wish I didn't know inside That it won't work out for you and I. I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye. After all the things you put me through, Tell me why I'm still in love with you. And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call? You broke my heart, I'm taking it back from you. And taking back the life I gave to you. Life goes on before and after you. I've got some growing up to do. *CHORUS* It's time I say my last goodbye. Goodbye, Goodbye, It's time I say my last goodbye. I wish we could have worked it out. I wish I didn't have these doubts, I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now. I wish I didn't know inside That it won't work out for you and I. I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye Its time I said my last goodbye. Goodbye, Goodbye, It's time I say my last goodbye. Its time I said my last goodbye. Goodbye, Goodbye, It's time I say my last goodbye. There, so that's that. I was thinking about it last night, after a good long cry of course, but it's really a good thing that this is over. It wasn't healthy anyway, and we weren't going out, and we never would have. He isn't the one for me, and I know that, and I knew that before everything happened between us. I just couldn't stop myself. It was nice to not be lonely. But it would have ended a lot worse if we had gone out. He's not patient enough to get to know me. He's not perceptive enough to understand me. So it's good. I miss him, of course, but I think our conversation yesterday established the friendship again. So now we are back to where we started, and I'm saying goodbye to all my feelings for him. So that's a load off my shoulders. Apanda and Justine leave for Acen tomorrow, they better have a good time and tell me lots of stories!!!!! O_O Maybe next year I can sneak out for a weekend. I might have some alone time today, hallelujah, but then again, i don't know if I have work... I have to call my supervisor on the way home. Hm. This could be bad. I jsut remebered mom won't be home to drive me to work, and Ryan can't drive me all the way there... Lords, I really pray I don't have work today. God help me! I need a good book, that I can actually bring home and not get shot for checking it out. Gloria read my post yesterday! Her laptop is working and she finally got a chance to check it out! Yay!!!! Soon myO will be open for registration and I'm gonna start putting together my new site. Hope October will be back before I'm finished. So I might keep it Lady Valiant like I first thought, or I could translate it to Japanese and call it Redi Isamashii. Hm, it doesn't have quite the ring that Hissori Masurao has. Perhaps I should think of something else? Any suggestions? I could do Sokotsumono... thoughtless person (don't get all mad with me, just see if the Japanese is pretty enough!) Or Samishii... lonely and desolate... Possibly Tsubasa... wings, but that Japanese sounds a little manly for me... Or Ookami... wolf, that one is okay, I could combine lonely and wolf to get Samishii Ookami.... hm. But I'm much more of a falcon or hawk than a wolf. Well, sorta, I mean, wolves do a lot of running. But the word for falcon is ugly, so I don't that to be the name of my site. So which do you think fits best/ sounds prettiest? We've got: Isamashii Redi Isamashii Sokotsumono Samishii Tsubasa Ookami Samishii Ookami Or any other English suggestions that I could translate to Japanese? Please help me out! I've got one last 'I'm in a bad mood' thing to post. I found this poem online, and I revised it a bit, cuz some things bothered me. It's not my poem, but I made it better anyway. Alone By:Benjamin Krouskop My breath is void of oxygen My heart a scribble without rythm I don't know what I'm doing Or what I should have done I need someone to hold Instead of only one I don't want to be alone The panic sets in As darkness becomes my comfort zone This tired soul is stuck here all alone Wondering what I have done To turn them all away The reason for my lonliness Only I can say I am alone, My walls are crushing me tonight A stagnant shallow pool of blood and flesh and tears Where no one wants to go Where I swims in all my fears I don't want to be alone, I am alone, Always. My way is so much better, sorry Ben, whoever you are. Okay, time's up gotta go. If I'm not working I'll be on later, if anyone cares. Ato.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Halfway Through

Today I've got youth group, and Henry is supposed to call me at four. Once again, I'm just completely emotionless. Can't feel anything really. Except, I'm glad that Apanda seems to be doing better. I'm excited for her and Justine going to Acen. I did have fun this morning, I watched Ouran High School Host Club, which is probably the oddest and most fucking hilarious anime ever. So it made me smile. Mom had a fight with her best friend today, so she's in a bad mood. Missed work yesterday, not looking forward to facing my supervisor. Got a weird comment from your stalker Apanda, Shadowfox12. Said she wanted me to talk to her cuz no one else would. Weird. Call me a bitch, but I totally ignored it. I've read her posts. They're so fake, she just wants attention. I feel bad, but no way am I gonna waste my time on someone who isn't real with me. Talked to Nat today finally. He claimed he didn't even realize he was ignoring me. I made him uncomfortable. Good. Little fucker, such a liar. And where is October? I'm getting worried again. I know I shouldn't but, she hasn't even left any more messages on her snapvine player, so I don't even know if she's alive. I like how even though Justine is on the comp all the time she still doesn't read my posts. I miss you darling. Got some lyrics here for you, I didn't feel like posting anymore This Providence, although Apanda should still check them out. Beauty from Pain By: Superchick The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know I'm alive But I feel like I died And all that's left is to accept that it's over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made I try to keep warm but I just grow colder I feel like I'm slipping away After all this has passed I still will remain After I've cried my last There'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I wonder why God lets me walk through this place And though I can't understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday And see how you've brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames After all this has passed I still will remain After I've cried my last There'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain Here I am at the end of me Trying to hold to what I can't see I forgot how to hope This night's been so long I cling to your promise There will be a dawn After all this has passed I still will remain After I've cried my last There'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain Superchick is a really good band too, the singer and bassist are sisters, and the singer has a really kickass voice. Everyone else in the band are the sisters' best friends. They're all guys. So it's pretty cool. And their songs are great. This one is one of my favorites. I'm gonna go find a book now, and listen to screamo. I kinda wanna get in a fight. Or go cry. Or make out with someone. But of course, I'll be damned if I give my first kiss to someone that didn't mean anything to me. So that option doesn't work. And I can't go cry, I've got youth group tonight. And my mom can't know why I'm upset. And I won't fight anyone either. I'm a goody-two-shoes. So what do I do? I'll just stop feeling and thinking again. That's how I cope with this. Gotta go, Mom's picking me up early today. Ato.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Meh.

Today's alright. I cried myself to sleep last night, and once again everything has numbed out. I don't feel anything anymore. But Ryan's data CD finally worked with my iPod, so i've got like over a hundred new songs to listen to. Like Apanda's pic in her music world on theO, Music on World off. So it's gonna be okay. Soon. I guess. I've got more This Providence lyrics for Apanda to check out. Here you go: My Beautiful Rescue By: This Providence I've been jumping from the tops of buildings For the thrill of the fall ignoring sound advice And any thought of consequence My bones have shattered My pride is shattered And in the midst of this self inflicted pain I can see my beautiful rescue I'm falling more in love with every single word I withhold I'm falling more in love with every single word you say I'm falling head over heals for you I've been dancing on the tops of buildings At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song "Don't you leave me alone" My bones were shattered My pride lay shattered Well I'll trample my pride Until the whole world dance with me I'm falling more in love with every single word I'll withhold I'm falling more in love with every single word you say I'm falling head over heals for you Again well I'm crying out, "wash my hands, these bloody hands, oh open my mouth and I'll sing" I'm falling more in love with every single word I'll withhold I'm falling more in love with every single word you say I'm falling head over heals for you I've been dancing on the tops of buildings, With you. Yup. So today I've got about an hour of alone time. So that's good. I think I'm gonna write a poem or something. About being alone. Forever. Ato.

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