Monday, May 12, 2008

.

Hm. Sucky day. Miss October so much. Nat has stopped talking and even going near me to me completely. Little fucker. Mother's Day sucked cuz my dad's such an ass. He made mom cry. Good news is we might be redoing our basement, and I might get to live down there. So I'd have a kickass hang-out space, and relative privacy. Got some cool lyrics. Apanda should check out this band. Card House Dreamer By: This Providence My world is falling apart. I was a fool, I never saw it coming. Oh no, no. My life is like a card house. A delicate construction With no regard for the wind. Everybody's changing. Oh everybody's changing. And I don't know know know know know how much more I can take. I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I held my world in my hands. Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream. I put so much of myself in everything else. Yeah in everything else. It was a dream come seemingly true. Torn at the seams revealing a nightmare. I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I held my world in my hands. Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream. I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I held my world in my hands. Until it broke my heart. Everything I loved had changed. Coffee and cigarettes can't save me. No, it's a hope where there's no chance of a hope in the world. And I'm hoping for. (I'm hoping for) I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I held my world in my hands. Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream. I thought I had everything under control. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I held my world in my hands. Until it broke my heart. Everything I loved was flawed. Hope everyone had a good weekend. See ya maybe soon. Ato.

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Friday, May 9, 2008

eh.

Numb By: Linkin Park I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you Can't you see that you're smothering me Holding too tightly afraid to lose control Cause everything that you thought I would be Has fallen apart right in front of you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) And every second I waste is more than I can take [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you And I know I may end up failing too But I know You were just like me with someone disappointed in you [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there I'm tired of being what you want me to be I've become so numb I can't feel you there I'm tired of being what you want me to be NUMB By: Amanda Marie Engelberth Blood running through my veins, Eyes are turning black, There is no stopping me now, There is no turning back. Utencil at hand I begin to write, My hatred and my pain, From all your stupid, childlike, "Innocent" little games. You say you want to see me, You say you truly care, But you totally ignored me, Whenever I was there. Sure you may not see it, But everyday I do, All I have to say is this, What did I do to you? Did I spend too much time, Ignore too many lies, Have too many feelings for you, Too many times I've cried? All I ever did was love, But you didn't see, All you saw was another toy, You never saw just me. Me heart nothing but a scar, My mind has become dumb, I could not begin to explain, My being is just numb.

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Friday, May 2, 2008

   It's Been a While

Yo, haven't been on in ages... for October, since you probably didn't read my last post, I won't be on as often as I'd like, because during the end of the year, things get pretty crazy for me. I will try to get on as often as I can, but don't get worried if I'm gone for days at a time. Okay, so I just need to say that Secretary is the best fucking movie ever! OMG. I'm serious, it was just a beautiful movie. I love it. It is now my favorite movie. Yeah, look it up. Um, things are alright with me I guess. I had a good long conversation with my mom, I decided I was going to be completely honest with her. I told her that I don't want to live at home next year. I expected her to be hurt, or something, but once again, my momma never ceases to amaze me. She just nodded and said, 'I thought you might want to move out'. O_O Then I told her I don't know where to go. I can't afford an apartment on my own, and because I won't be a full time student, I'd have to pay for my own health insurance, which I can't. She said she'd think about where I could go. She'd help me look for a place. I love my mom. So much. Uh, Prom's coming up real soon, people keep asking whether or not I'm going, I always say I can't afford it, so no. What I really mean is no one asked me, and I'm not gonna be a loser and go alone. As much as I'd love to go to Prom. I wish Apanda was feeling better, I wish there was something I could do to help, but I guess I just have to let her ride this one out. But I'm here for you, no matter what you need, my pretty eyes! I miss Justine bunches. October, I miss you so much, I'm sorry all that crap is happening with your sister not letting you get on. My days feel so weird without talking to you. I'm sorry I haven't emailed you yet, everytime I try to get on at home, my Dad has to use the computer for business. I listened to your messages though, i'ts good to hear your voice. I'm so excited that your mom will let you get a computer if you're good! ^_^ Keep smiling for me, my darling, it makes my life so much brighter to know you're smiling for me. And it's raining up here today. I kissed the rain for you. I miss you. Here's lyrics from one of my fav songs, it's real good, maybe if I get the chance, I'll post the actual song on here. Will You By: P.O.D. See you sittin' next to the window in the bedroom She breaks down - breaks down Crying over something and starin' into nothin' Afraid now - hate now Wanting, needing, haunting, it's killing me Faking what has happened to live the life like that man I'll break down - It's fake now Will you, will you love me tomorrow? So Will You, Will you stay with me today? Fade in and out of reason to fight the way she's feelin' She breaks down - breaks down Going through the motions and holding onto hopes and her dreams now - somehow Shaken, mistaken, forsaken, it's killing me. Wishing you could change, but he's always been this way If you leave now - I'll drown Will you, will you love me tomorrow? So Will You, Will you stay with me today? Will you, will you be here tomorrow? So Will You, you remember yesterday? Yesterday! Yesterday! Yesterday! Yesterday! This time, I'm sorry This time, I'm sorry This time, this time, I'm sorry for this time This time, this time, I'm sorry This time I'm sorry! Will you, Will you love me tomorrow? So Will You, Will you stay with me today? Will you, Will you be here tomorrow? So Will You, you remember yesterday? Will you? [x6] So Will You? Will you? [x6] Well my pretties, Ato for now, I don't know when I'll be on again. Plan for like, Thursday next week. *shrugs* Miss you guys. Love you.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

.

Work today. I'm sorry, I have no time to say/do anything. I just have to warn you, my pretties, the end of the year gets pretty crazy for me, so if I'm gone for long periods of time, don't worry about me, I'm just real busy. I'll do my best to get on as often as I can, but I can't promise much. October, I'm so sorry I haven't emailed you, it's not for lack of trying. Tonight I promise to email you though. Alright, goodbye for now. Ato.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Bombs Away

The school was on lockdown today, it was pretty funny. I missed Apanda in the hallway cuz my Band teacher held all the Seniors over and gave us this huge speech about Senior ditch day. So stupid. I'm sorry I missed you Apanda. It's also the Day of Silence, and I wonder if maybe the bomb threat had something to do with it. I don't know. Anyway, October, I'm sorry, I was supoosed to email you yesterday in between movies, but my dad came home WAY earlier than I expected. I don't know if I'll get a chance to get on today either, and if I do, it will be late at night. Sorry. I'm also wondering if everything is okay with you darling, you haven't been on in a couple days, and I'm just checking up on you to make sure everything is okay. How is your mom doing? Is anything going on, or just been busy? Just want to make sure you're okay hun, I hope you've been having good days. I have to leave now, Ato.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Thumbs Up

Okay, 300 is fucking kickass too. Watch it.

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O_O

Whoa baby, I highly recommend watching Never Back Down. Damn good movie. Uh, hm, Brokeback Mountain was real sad, but beautiful, so it was all good. Um, yeah, I'm kinda wasting my life away at the moment, I don't really want to be thinking a lot, so I just keep watching movies and shit. Nothing real cool is going on, so I've got nothing to report. Except, I am doing a bit better today emotionally. I think all this alone time is really helping, even if I am just wasting it. It's nice to be on my own for a couple hours at a time, have to make my own food and wash the dishes and the laundry. It feels good. So my friend Erin took a pic of me the other day on her digital camera, she said she'd send it to me when she got the chance, and then I'll post it. It was an okay pic. Yeah, wow, I'm really not interesting today. I guess I'll leave now. I'll email you, October, in between movies. I can't decide whether to watch 300 or Donnie Darko... I'll figure it out. Ato my pretties.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

OMG

Omg, I fucking hate Atonement. Lords, it was sad at first, but the ending just pissed me off like no other! What the fuck! I'm gonna go jump off my roof now. I've wasted three hours watching what I thought was a love story, and now I'm way more depressed than when I started! OMG! Shoot me now!

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Yo.

Hola, I'm in the middle of watching Atonement on surfthechannel.com (best fucking website ever! Thanks October!) So yeah, I'm not really gonna say much today. Hope Apanda did well on the ACT. My mom's gone until Sunday, so that's real cool. I get the house to myself and all my clothes are off! Woo! Ha, yeah, sorry, it just makes me giggle. I hate clothes. Still not doing too well, but I suppose I'm pulling myself out of it. At least, I'm trying. Chocolate helps. Well, I gotta finish this movie. It's real good. Sad, but good. Wish the love scene was longer.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

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I'll be on tonight, I think. At least, I'll try. But no matter what, I'll email you, my beloved.

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