Friday, March 7, 2008

   Sucks.

Hullo dearies, Sorry about how short and retarded yesterday’s post was. I guess I just didn’t feel like talking. Today I feel like spilling my guts. Fun huh? Not really. First of, I’d just like to say that I’m stupid and ignorant and I have no idea how to use the new Otaku. myOtaku won’t let me PM anyone, so I tried using theOtaku, and it said I sent the PM, but I have no idea whether or not it worked. I don’t know, I guess I’m just confused because Tony said his backroom did look anything like mine and I really don’t know anything about theOtaku anyway cuz all I ever used was myOtaku and now I’m just completely confused. So could the Phantom Jay or anyone else please just explain to my puny little brain how the hell these two websites work?! Moving on. Yesterday I was really upset with my dad and I don’t even know why I am telling you this because I know Amanda is the only one who reads my posts and I already told her this. And yet here we are. Lords, I don’t even want to type it out, it sounds so fucking pathetic. So you know what? I won’t. Amanda, you know why I’m mad. Finally, I just want to complain about myself, deal with it. So I was just thinking today about how fucking alone I am. I mean, I’ve got the greatest friends in the world, and good parents, and God, who is always with me, but I’m still so lonely. But I shouldn’t complain! People have it worse than me. It’s just that I feel like I have so much love to give and no one cares. I’ll never get married. I accepted that long ago. I used to complain about it to Justine. No one would want to stay with me long enough. No one would have the patience. I’m too complicated. Too selfish. But whatever. And you know what just makes the whole situation worse? I think I’m a lesbian. Ha. Yeah. I’m attracted to men and their presence, their dominance, their bodies, but in the long run, I don’t love men like I love women. I just don’t know if I could trust a man with my heart and soul. I guess that’s not really lesbianism, but it is saying that I’d rather marry a woman. But that in itself just pushes me into an even greater depression. I can’t wait till I’m an adult. I just want my own life right now. Is that too much to ask? And now a fucking disclaimer: I am about to be pissy towards myself, deal with it. I hate that I’m complaining right now. I’m so weak when I complain. I shouldn’t be in such a bad mood. I have to be happy, I have to be strong for my friends. I just have to suck it up. I have such a good life. What do I have to complain about?! I’m so blessed, and yet I’m still not satisfied. I’m so thoughtless. I’m a fucking selfish spoiled brat. Who is so lonely. I’m thinking of making a new website and ditching this one As much as ‘Hissori Masurao’ has been good to me, I don’t want to be a quiet warrior anymore. Um, so I’m thinking of calling the site Lady Valiant’ after my latest poem. The poem really describes me, defiant and alone, so I feel like it fits. Plus, if I just make a new site, maybe I’ll be able to figure out theOtaku. What do you think? I’m out, hope someone cares enough to read this.

Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, March 6, 2008

   Ugh.

Yeah, so I'm not in the best of moods today, sorry, it's my dad's fault. Um, I don't know what to say. I've got work tonight, so I won't be on even though it's Thursday. Yeah, so, I'll talk to everyone later.

Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

   Yup.

So, I’m leaving up yesterday’s post as well as this one, because I want to make sure October reads it. On the same note, I’m starting to get worried about you, lil miss doll, where are you? I know people have lives and sometimes it takes forever to get online, but I don’t know, I guess I’m just uber paranoid. I just want to make sure you’re alright, okay sweetie? Um, so nothing really exciting has happened…. except that my band concert is tonight and JUSTINE AND AMANDA should come! *winks* The new Otaku is kinda weird, it looks all pretty and stuff, but it’s hard to navigate. I did get this background off of it, though. It’s okay, but I was really annoyed because I found this amazing background on deviantart.com last night and it looked super cool! But then today it didn’t show up. *pouts* Ah well, moving on. I’m still mad because myOtaku can’t send PM’s yet. At least not on my account. ARGH! So Justine still ought to read those fanfics I recommended! I told you that the author updates once a week, and now it’s up to 17 chapters each, and it’s getting damn good! *evil grin* So read it! Amanda looks great in that sweatshirt, no matter what she says! ^.^ Ha! I’m starting to get used to my room. I guess there’s just more hiding places for my stuff, so it’s all good. I still don’t like it though, but at least I don’t want to puke whenever I walk into it. Work tomorrow, so I won’t be on long, *sigh* I hate working on Thursdays. Thursdays are my alone days. But I guess I need to suck it up, because apparently I need money more than my sanity. That sounds like the excuse of a stripper. heh… So, Yeah, I put up a new pic, the one with the girl and handcuffs… *smirks* but is it a bit too vulgar? I don’t want people to get in trouble… maybe I ought to put up something more innocent? What do you think? NEW BLEACH EPISODE!!! Hells yeah! It’s starting to get so much better! *claps* There’s all this drama and death! Well, I know no one will really die, which is slightly disappointing, but there’s DRAMA! *squeals* It’s still amazing and I love Gin and Aizen! Argh, what else to say! I’m so boring without October here! Well, my pretty goth girl, here’s a poem I found for you. October That October breeze that breezes through my head The orange, red, brownish that makes autumn seem undead The leaves that change from quarter to quarter The leaf shower that pours like rain that forms into water That fall feeling that seems so unreal so unusual The smell of happiness has been feared Year by Year seasons leave and go But nothing will be better than October's pose. There, I’m leaving now, cuz I suck, deal with it. Jeez, I’m kinda pissy, sorry, don’t mean to be rude. I’m probably just hungry. ^_^

Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

   Whoa baby! A post!

Hello my pretties! Long time no see, ne? Um, a lot has been going on, so I guess I’ll just give a quick overview. I just got back from a college trip to Bob Jones University in South Carolina. I didn’t want to got to Bob Jones at all, but I went on trip with my friend Sarah who has been wanting to go there since she was a kid. To make a long story short, we switched. Sarah doesn’t want to go to Bob Jones any more, but I applied. ^_^ Funny how God works! Um, so when I came back, my mom had redone my room. I’m kinda really mad at her, but I guess I’ll get over it. It’s just that I asked her not to touch anything of mine while I was gone, but she didn’t listen. The room is beautiful, it looks like it came strait out of a magazine, and I hate it. It’s not my room anymore. It’s some middle-aged, single, interior designer’s guest bedroom. It’s very feminine and it has no touch of toughness! I hate it. I know my mom worked really hard on it and she tried her best, and I feel like a total bitch, but I asked her not to! So yeah, that’s what I came home to. Then I looked online and found out that Britty’s girlfriend got in some major trouble recently and I feel awful for both of them. Apparently Ashley’s mom found out she’s bisexual and kicked her out of the house. I pray that her mom will work things out in her own head and forgive Ashley. I wish the best of luck to both Ashley and Britty. I guess that just really hits home for me because that’s my biggest fear, my mom finding out that I’m bisexual. I think she’d probably do the same thing as Ashley’s mom. Happy Birthday to Amanda! I know, I know, it was on Saturday, but my mom and I believe in birth months, so I’m gonna drag out the celebration for you as long as I can! And much fun hanging with you after school! Even though we didn’t do much… Oh well! I loves ya anyway! And Justine, I wish that stupid girl moved and we could sit next to each other in the media center! It was so annoying, but it was nice to listen to you laughing and talking with Tony! ^.^ Have fun in detention! Haha, *avoids puch* Sorry I had to! ^.^ And damnit, this stupid renovation! theOtaku better be awesome! Because I can’t PM you right now! ARGH! So here’s the reply to one of your PMs: “aw, i love you bunches! but yeah, i picked thoughtless because that's what my mom says is my biggest fault, she's been telling me that i'm really selfish for years, so i guess i just believe it. haha, shika-kun does secretly love yaoi! ^_^ i love ya more than black holes love stars! haha.... yeah. ^.^” So Jay has officially disappeared. *sigh* I do so miss him. Ah, and to my most lovely October *blushes* I’m so sorry that my PMing has sucked lately, I’m really doing the best I can. I only get about 45 minutes a day, if even that, to do everything I need to online. Today I’ll be on for a while longer, because I convinced my mom to let me go to the library. So, I just wanted to say that I’m very happy to be your muse, as you already know, but I wanted to post it on my site too! ^_^ And the pic on your site is so pretty! You are a gorgeous goth! :) Okay, here’s a poem that I wrote at Bob Jones, I was inspired by a verse that was posted in the bathroom: Psalm 60:12 ‘Through God, we shall do valiantly.’ I liked it, thus, a poem was born. Lady Valiant Alone she stands While the world Binds itself in chains. The Wicked Design Drags the ignorant under So they are enslaved. But the lady remains. Defiant till the end Her eyes are open wide And she cannot be bound, For she sees the way Humanity is decaying. Others are quietly molded For their roles, But they are blind. In their pride they say, “I am in control, Every choice I make is my own.” How deceived is the world! Their ways are dictated By the whim of their Master Their minds in the Hands of deceit, Freedom is willingly surrendered. So they lady resists The call for peace and unity. And she is beautiful In her defiance. She stands alone, But she is valiant. And for my other poem, which I’ll post again in case you forgot, I still cannot decide on a title, so I’m throwing together all my favorite suggestions, and I need your help to vote! Or at least single out your favs. My will is strong. I stand as a fortress Against those who would Take me captive. Independent in thought and deed No one holds me. Try to bind my soul, I will break your chains And stand steady with shining blade. I am my own! My own! You come to conquer But Force will not take me! You fight in vain. There is but one crack In my ever strong wall, A weakness that could Bring me to my knees. A gentle hand and steady heart Can stay my soul from Breaking free. Soft look, light touch, A Kiss! A Kiss! As sweet as Rose’s bloom. Win my trust Daring Conqueror, Yes, that will be my doom. Destroy my Fortress Stone by stone, As only a lover can do. Reach my cold heart And breathe into it life, Then, will I give myself to you. Body and soul, you own me now, Yours! All Yours! To do with as you will. Take me, break me, mark me As your possession. My sweet Conqueror! All my resistance you have killed. So here are the suggestions. What do you like? Fortress, Touch, Fallen Walls, Submission, Surrender, Will, Break Me, Conquer, Own Vote! Yay. So anyways, um, I am uber sick right now and it sucks because I have a band concert tomorrow, and I’m gonna be useless. But on the plus side, my voice is all raspy and I like it! It’s oddly sexy, so that’s pretty cool. Okay, I really have nothing else interesting going on right now, So I’ll go and PM peeps. I love you all! P.S. Aren’t you excited that I actually have a decent post today?! *claps* Heh…

Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

   Poem

Hey I love you but I'll be gone till Monday on my trip. Have fun without me! I wrote this poem on an inspiration from my lovely October, I think it's one of the best poems I have ever written. My will is strong. I stand as a fortress Against those who would Take me captive. Independent in thought and deed No one holds me. Try to bind my soul, I will break your chains And stand steady with shining blade. I am my own! My own! You come to conquer But Force will not take me! You fight in vain. There is but one crack In my ever strong wall, A weakness that could Bring me to my knees. A gentle hand and steady heart Can stay my soul from Breaking free. Soft look, light touch, A Kiss! A Kiss! As sweet as Rose’s bloom. Win my trust Daring Conqueror, Yes, that will be my doom. Destroy my Fortress Stone by stone, As only a lover can do. Reach my cold heart And breathe into it life, Then, will I give myself to you. Body and soul, you own me now, Yours! All Yours! To do with as you will. Take me, break me, mark me As your possession. My sweet Conqueror! All my resistance you have killed. I don't have a title yet, so you all have to help me out. What should I call it?

Comments (2) | Permalink

Monday, February 25, 2008

   Kickass!

Hey there! Omgoodness, I thought this was gonna be a long post, but my fav fanfic just updated, so I can’t be on long. *sobs* Um, weekend was cool. I got my hairs cut! ^.^ It’s really short now, but I can be totally kickass with it, so it rocks! Yay! I GOT A JOB!!!!! That was the highlight of everything! So I’ve been training and all, which is annoying, but hey, I got a job! Um, this week is gonna suck because I’m leaving on Wednesday to go on a college trip to a college I don’t even want to go to. AND! I’m missing Turnabout, Amanda’s B-Day, work, and band right before our concert! ARGH! *shakes fist* And I won’t be on! Oooo! Me so mad! >_< Yeah. But, to the lovely October, You made my weekend! I almost screamed when you posted on Friday, but that would have been bad! ^_^ I really want to PM you, but you wrote so much back (yup, you did make it longer!) that I need to take some time and be detailed! I’ll do my best to get to you tomorrow! Kisses! Okay, I must leave you all! Sorry, I know I suck now, but I’m trying I swear! It’s a lot to do in 45 minutes you know!

Comments (2) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

   Ugh.

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry, I love you all so much but I can't talk or PM anyone today. And I probably won't be on again until Monday. I'm so sorry, it sucks, but that's my life. I love you all!

Comments (2) | Permalink

Thursday, February 14, 2008

   Ooo! La la!

Okay my pretties! I'm here! To spread Valentine's Day cheer!!! So deal with it! HAPPY FREAKING VALENTINE'S DAY! I LOVE Valentine's Day! And I don't care that I'm single and all alone in my house tonight! Valentine's Day may be a stupid Hallmark holiday made for the sole purpose of getting retarded people to spend more money, but that's not what I make it into! Valentine's Day is a celebration of love! And who doesn't want to be loved?! Thus, I give you poetry! Ha ha! Ah, Sir William, my favor lies with you! So... you're first! Sonnet 116 Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. That is the best! I want to memorize that! Now more Shakespeare, after a breif break of girly kisses! Sonnet 63 Against my love shall be as I am now, With Time's injurious hand crush'd and o'erworn; When hours have drain'd his blood and fill'd his brow With lines and wrinkles; when his youthful morn Hath travelled on to age's steepy night; And all those beauties whereof now he's king Are vanishing, or vanished out of sight, Stealing away the treasure of his spring; For such a time do I now fortify Against confounding age's cruel knife, That he shall never cut from memory My sweet love's beauty, though my lover's life: His beauty shall in these black lines be seen, And they shall live, and he in them still green. Ah ha! He is gay! That means I give you gay pictures!!!! Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her by Christopher Brennan If questioning would make us wise No eyes would ever gaze in eyes; If all our tale were told in speech No mouths would wander each to each. Were spirits free from mortal mesh And love not bound in hearts of flesh No aching breasts would yearn to meet And find their ecstasy complete. For who is there that lives and knows The secret powers by which he grows? Were knowledge all, what were our need To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed? Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why" I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live And life in me is what you give. Awwww! How cute! I liked it so! More pics! Okay now, this may be my new fav, sorry William, but it's just so full of exuberance and joy, which is exactly as love should be! At Last Elizabeth Akers Allen At last, when all the summer shine That warmed life's early hours is past, Your loving fingers seek for mine And hold them close—at last—at last! Not oft the robin comes to build Its nest upon the leafless bough By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,— But you, dear heart, you love me now. Though there are shadows on my brow And furrows on my cheek, in truth,— The marks where Time's remorseless plough Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,— Though fled is every girlish grace Might win or hold a lover's vow, Despite my sad and faded face, And darkened heart, you love me now! I count no more my wasted tears; They left no echo of their fall; I mourn no more my lonesome years; This blessed hour atones for all. I fear not all that Time or Fate May bring to burden heart or brow,— Strong in the love that came so late, Our souls shall keep it always now! So happy! Yay! It took forever to find that pic! And before I go I will leave you with an excerpt from a cute song. This is such a cute line! 'I know I'm young but if I had to choose her or the sun I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun' *sigh* HA! You see, I put all the romantic mushy stuff first and wrote personal stuff last so that you would be forced to read through the whole thing! MUAHAHAHA! Well, sorta. A hello to all my friends: Amanda Hope you liked the cookie and the message, and it's true you know! And you have very pretty eyes! Don't you agree Justine?! Justine I didn't really get the chance to talk to you today, which sucks. But hi. How was your day? I liked your skirt! Hope you had a great Valentine's Day! Tony My sexy beast! You're crazy and I love it! Hope you can deal with the bitches in your gym class! Britty Hey Darling! Happy Anniverssary! I'm glad you've been blessed with a wonderful girlfriend like Ashley! Have better days! Okay? October HI! I do so enjoy our conversations! You're such a fun person! And kinky too! *evil laugh* Have a fantabulously wonderful Valentine's Day! Jay Hey, you disappeared. *sigh* And I was gonna wish you a happy Valentine's Day. You turned off your site? Britty does that. It's disconcerting. I hope to hear from you Mr. M, because yes, you're even more mysterious now that you've disappeared. Ha. I love you all! Have an awesome love-filled Valentine's Day! Oh, and alas, I won't be able to get on Otkau tommorrow. And probably not all weekend, and now that I think about it, not Moday or Tuesday either. Unless my parents decide to leave for something... I love you all!

Comments (2) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

   HA!

Hey everyone. So I'm staying today because I have a meeting after school. I don't know about tomorrow. Um, how about one of my poems, yes? This is dedicated to my friend and love, Matt. Help Anger seething, no control Words used as knives Fists for show Shouts conceal sad eyes Heart yearning, needing, hoping for Comfort. Begging for a place To rest his head. Will he ever have a home? Who would want this Hateful, Livid, Screaming lonely, insecure Frightened creature? Cornered by himself Beaten in mind Dark infiltrates his soul Blackens his spirit. Blots out joy and laughter That once were. Gives pain. Nightmares. Tears in his heart. KK, well, I hope you liked it. I know Amanda and Justine might have seen this already, but oh well. I like it. It's one of my only not happy ending poems. Well everyone is all sad because it is Valentine's Day tomorrow, which I get, but I'm not sad, even though I'm alone. I'm just horny. Haha, nice to know, isn't it? Yeah, I'm like, Super Horny Hissori today. I mean, if anyone came up to me and just started kissing me, I'd make out with them despite the consequences. That's how horny I am. I can see all your faces! You're all confused! Hahaha! Yeah. So I think I know why. It all started because I'm rereading for the third time my favorite fanfiction. It has the best yaoi I've EVER dreamed of! And so that set me up for disaster. And then, this morning I was trying to avoid having to do school, and so I was watching TV. There was this movie on that I've never heard of called The Crow. And this guy was really creepy looking, so I changed the channel. But then I changed it back, because I was curious, and then I totally got horny. Because it was creepy looking, but I liked it. heh... *winks* Yeah, and lately, I've been a lot more interested in girls, but this guy.... well, he just made me horny. I've been having fantasies all day. Thus, I include a picture! Yeah, he's creepy, but he's the good guy. And something about the creepiness just turns me on! You're all scared of me now,aren't you!!???!! HA! I'm keeping up this conversation with Justine, because she hasn't responded yet, so sorry, but you've already seen this. Okay, you know my super epic Bleach fanfic? Well yesterday I was just considering the fact that I will be writing about the War, and therefore, people have to die. It wouldn’t be a good fanfic if there was just a ridiculously happy ending. So I think I’m gonna kill off Yoruichi. Don’t hurt me please! *blocks punch* Sorry! It’s just that, a main character has to die and I’m loathe to kill someone that I put with one of my original characters. So I ended with her. What’s your opinion? Okay! Now I love you all, and I wish you happy days!

Comments (2) | Permalink

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

   Poetry

Hello my pretties! Bad news, lo siento. Today starts my new life of no wrestling, which translates to I won’t be on nearly as often. I’m still working on being able to stay at school for 8th period, so I can post and say hi, but, it might not happen. If so, yeah, I’ll be gone most of the time. Sorry. If any of you still want to stay in contact with me, PM me and I’ll send you my email address. I can check my email everyday. Now to happier thoughts. I got to see Justine today! Thanks Amanda!!!! I was so excited. Even though Justine’s all depressed, because drama happens a lot in her life, but I love her anyway! Hi Justine! Good luck with your stuff! Also, I have a job interview Friday! *bites nails* I’m excited though, because I REALLY need a job. And you know what? I feel sexy today. No reason. I haven’t done anything different, and I’m even wearing ugly clothes. But I still feel sexy. I’ve never felt sexy before. I like it. *grins wickedly* And for Amanda’s sake, since I promised, I wrote two poems last night, and I thought I’d share. They are the same topic, with many of the same lines, but I wasn’t sure whether or not I liked it better in free verse or with a loose rhyming scheme. Tell me what you think. Free (in free verse) The constant drip of moisture Fills the silence of the damp cell And he wakes to find The shaft of sunlight Has faded once again. Desperation strangles His tired heart And he chokes back A panicked cry As the thick darkness Attacks his mind. And the chains that bind him Bite into his wrists And the pain in his battered body Overwhelms him. But through the bars Of his meager window, One bright, lone star Shines its hope To the prisoner. And he smiles to himself, For his soul is yet free. Or the loosely rhymed version: Free (in ABAB) He wakes to find the light gone And he despairs, for he knows How long he must wait for the dawn And the shaft of sun to show. He is bound by the heaviest of chains And it leaves his ankles bruised. The constant weight causing an unbearable pain So that his body screams to be loosed. The dampness seeps into his bones As he sits curled on the cold stone floor And he wants to weep, for he is alone And never will he see anyone open his door For there is no key To unlock this prisoner’s cell. But he smiles to himself, as he is free, For who can bind a soul? Which do you like more? I think I’m leaning more towards the loosely rhymed one, but in a way, sometimes I feel the free verse is deeper. Comments are welcome! Okay, now this conversation is basically with Justine, unless anyone else knows Bleach. Okay, you know my super epic Bleach fanfic? Well yesterday I was just considering the fact that I will be writing about the War, and therefore, people have to die. It wouldn’t be a good fanfic if there was just a ridiculously happy ending. So I think I’m gonna kill off Yoruichi. Don’t hurt me please! *blocks punch* Sorry! It’s just that, a main character has to die and I’m loathe to kill someone that I put with one of my original characters. So I ended with her. What’s your opinion? Back to everyone else! How is everyone recently? Did the weekend suit you all well? I can’t think of anything else to say. Yeah. So, don’t take offense if I don’t answer PMs and comments right away, because I probably won’t be here. I’ll miss you all! Cross your fingers that I convince my mom to let me stay 8th period everyday! And that I get a job! I love You! Because it's sexy!

Comments (1) | Permalink