Saturday, December 20, 2008

So Here It Goes...

Okay, so here's an update with me. Currently I am trying to keep my mom sane while Christmas shopping, a very difficult task seeing as I am richer than her, and I have four dollars in my pocket. Next week I'm going to try and get a haircut at some point, but I haven't made the appointment yet, so I just don't know when I'm free (working Monday too). Then there's Christmas Eve and Christmas. Then I'm working again Friday and Saturday. From that point on, I have no idea how my life is going to go. I'm going to find something out tonight. I'm going over to Susie's to talk with her about my plans. I'm gonna ask her if I can rent out her basement, and then I'm gonna tell her about the GED idea that I had. Btw Panders,the test cost anywhere from $50-90, so it's not too bad, and then there's the book GED for Dummies that you and I can study off of ^_^. So, tonight, I decide my future. This is big stuff here. I'm scared shitless. *takes deep breath* Wish me luck! Panders, I'll text you if things go well. Justine, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER! *glares* ^_^ I'll post on Monday with how things went. I love you all and miss you so much, please give me a bit of a break for being so unreachable lately, I'm trying really hard to be here for everyone, but I've just got so much going on. Soon, I'll be back. And I'll have a Facebook. *nods* Ato my pretties!

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Panders

I said I'd post for you, so here I am. This post is gonna sound kinda mad and frustrated, but please know I'm not mad at you, or trying to hold things over your head, I'm just going to verbally shake you by your shoulders, k? K. I guess what I want to say is that I just don't understand why you could think I don't care about you. What could I possibly do that I haven't already done to convince you that I really really do love you and care about you so much? Your well-being means so much to me. I risk the wrath of my mother to try and see you, I blow off other friends to hang out with you, I spend money texting you and telling everyone else not to call my cellphone at all, I'm trying to figure out a way we could live together, I gave up trying to pursue someone that I really liked because your happiness meant more to me than my own, I have been endlessly patient with you, and I'm always there for you to talk to when something bad happens. I just don't understand why you don't get it. Do you think I only act like I care cause I pity you or something? I don't pity you. I chose you as my friend. I didn't have to. I could have viewed you as a rival. I could have ignored you, or just given up on you, but I didn't. Ever since you, Justine, Tony, and I went to the movies that one time, I decided that I would have you in my life. Your honesty and willingness to let me in made me friends with you faster than I've ever become friends with anyone. I don't know what more I could possibly do to make you believe me, but I'm not giving up on you ever. No matter what you do, I'm your friend now, and that's how it's gonna be as long as you live (which better be a pretty fucking long time), so deal with it. I'm not gonna just leave this alone either, not until I know you know that I love you and will never stop loving you.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Welcome Back!

Hey Apanda! Welcome back! I have one more set of lyrics for you! I just listened to it today, and wanted to post it for you. ^_^ I love you! Everything's Not Lost By: Coldplay When I counted up my demons Saw there was one for every day With the good ones on my shoulders I drove the other ones away So if you ever feel neglected And if you think that all is lost I'll be counting up my demons, yeah Hoping everything's not lost When you thought that it was over You could feel it all around And everybody's out to get you Don't you let it drag you down 'Cos if you ever feel neglected And if you think that all is lost I'll be counting up my demons, yeah Hoping everything's not lost If you ever feel neglected If you think that all is lost I'll be counting up my demons, yeah Hoping everything's not lost Singing out Oh, oh, oh, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Everything's not lost So come on, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Come on, yeah And everything's not lost Oh, oh, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Oh, oh, yeah And everything's not lost Come on, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Come on, yeah Come on, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Come on, yeah And everything's not lost Sing out, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Come on, yeah And everything's not lost

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Apanda

I have to dedicate this post to Apanda, because she deserves it. Here, I've got a ton of lyrics for you. Jumper By: Third Eye Blind I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in, And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. I would understand. The angry boy, A bit too insane, Icing over a secret pain You know you don't belong. You're the first to fight, You're way too loud, You're The flash of light, On a burial shroud, I know something's wrong Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, Put the past away I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in, And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand, I would understand. And well he's on the table, And he's gone to code, And I do not think anyone knows, What they are doing here, And your friends have left you, You've been dismissed. I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know Everyone's got to face down the demons, Maybe today, We can put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in, And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand, I would understand, I would understand... (I would understand) (I would understand) (Understand) Ya ya ya ya ya... Can you put the past away? I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, I would understand (I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, ) I would understand (I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, ) And I would understand (X2) You're Not Alone By: Saosin It's just like him To wander off in the evergreen park Slowly searching For any sign of the ones he used to love He says he's got nothing left to live for (He says he's got nothing left) And this time I think you'll know You're not alone There is more to this I know You can make it out You will live to tell She's just like him Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies she's been fed And she's searching for no one (but herself) Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is here And this time I think you'll know You're not alone There is more to this I know You can make it out You will live to tell You're not alone There is more to this i know You can make it out (There is more to this) We're not alone There is more to this i know You can make it out You will live to tell (So tell me) You're not alone There is more to this i know You can make it out You will live to tell You're not alone You're not, your not alone And I know I have already posted these lyrics for you, but I'm gonna post them again. Fix You By: Coldplay When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you, High up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Last Night By: Skillet You come to me with scars on your wrist You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this I just came to say goodbye I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine But I know it's a lie This is the last night you'll spend alone Look me in the eyes so I know you know I'm everywhere you want me to be The last night you'll spend alone I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go I'm everything you need me to be Your parents say everything is your fault But they don't know you like I know you They don't know you at all I'm so sick of when they say It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine But I know it's a lie This is the last night you'll spend alone Look me in the eyes so I know you know I'm everywhere you want me to be The last night you'll spend alone I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go I'm everything you need me to be The last night away from me The night is so long when everything's wrong If you give me your hand I will help you hold on Tonight, tonight This is the last night you'll spend alone Look me in the eyes so I know you know I'm everywhere you want me to be The last night you'll spend alone I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go I'm everything you need me to be I won't let you say goodbye And I'll be your reason why The last night away from me Away from me Well, that's all the time I have, I just want Apanda to know how much I love her, and I'm never gonna stop praying for her, and hoping she gets better. Justine, I miss you, post again! *glares* October my love, you haven't posted in a long time! Now I'm starting to get worried... I hope you're doing alright, I love you always! Ato my pretties! I'll be back maybe Monday, maybe not... *shrugs*

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Monday, December 8, 2008

.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to answer your call Justine, now I feel awful. But you shoulda called me back! I was home at like 8! Try and call me again this week okay? From my home number cuz I don't have a lot of minutes left on my phone. Sorry I haven't set up my voicemail yet. But if you don't wanna call, them just PM me, k? I check myO everytime I'm at work. Thanks for finally updating your myO! Update more often! It's all I get to hear from you! Apanda, I'll have to PM you later cuz my break is real short today, and I don't have time. But we can't afford a place with two bathrooms. We really can't, I'm sorry. I've searched all of Palatine, the only place we can afford is SilverLake. I'm sorry. And I don't have time for lyrics today either, but you really should get Taking Back sunday from the library. Good stuff. I love them. Sorry, I gotta go. Love you all my pretties.

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Friday, December 5, 2008

Yeah.

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had an interesting week. There was so much I wanted to say, but I forgot it all when I got to work. Sorry. I think you called my cellphone Justine, yesterday, but I missed it, so I called you back on my home phone, but I had to leave you a message. Did you need something? Call me back anytime you want, I'd love to hear from you. Apanda, I'm sorry that yesterday wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be. I've never been to a wrestling meet that was so short. AndI'm sorry I had to rush out the door afterwords. I hate that I had to just ditch you, and we didn't even have a good conversation. I'm sorry, it was my fault, I was just in seventh heaven for being in wrestling again, I forgot how much I loved it. But I should have paid more attention to you. I've got a song for you. Ghost Man On Third By: Taking Back Sunday Jynx me something crazy Thinking if it's three then I'm as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back It's too bad it's not my style If you need me I'm out and on the parkway, patient and waiting for headlights, dressed in a fashion that's fitting to the inconsistencies of my moods It's times like these, where silence means everything And no one is to know about this It's times like these, where silence means everything And no one is to know about this It's a campaign of distraction and revisionist history, oh It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice (it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice) It's a shame I doubt they even care (it's a shame I doubt they even care) No one is to know about this It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice (it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice) It's a shame I doubt they even care (it's a shame I doubt they even care) Don't let me down But whatever I have gettin' myself into maybe has been slicing inches from my waist It's my fist vs. the bottle (and thank god you weren't there...) And that's how bad could this hurt or against I won't feel a thing (and thank god you weren't there...) I tell you all about it It's just not working out (...to watch me hit bottom) not working out It's a campaign of distraction and revisionist history, oh It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice (it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice) It's a shame I doubt they even care (it's a shame I doubt they even care) No one is to know about this It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice (it's a shame, I don't think that they'll notice) It's a shame I doubt they even care (it's a shame I doubt they even care) No one has to know about this Don't let me down This is why we were taught so much better than this This is why we were taught so much better than this This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does This is what living like this does Well that's all I've got time for tonight. I love you all, sorry I'm not in a very good mood. Ato my pretties, I'll try to get on tomorrow, but if not, then I'll see you Monday.

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

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It's my Birthday today. Happy Thanksgiving.

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

War.

Sorry, I haven't posted in a while, I haven't had a long enough break at work. Oh well. Haha, October, I call my friend 'Apanda' mostly because I have two friends named 'Amanda' (which is her real name) and it confuses me online to use the name.... erm, like, I feel like I have to distinguish between them, ya know? And cuz she likes pandas, so it fits. Ha, it's cute. And I'm sorry I haven't texted you yet, I'm just starting to realize how expensive it is to constantly be using my phone like I did the first couple days I had it, and I don't want to run out of minutes (it's a prepaid service) and then have to explain to my mom who I've been talking to so much. I've pretty much just quit using it so I'm not tempted. But soon enough I'll have moved out, and you better believe you're the first one I'll text! I inspired you again?! *gets excited* Ooo, I wanna see! You're so good at poetry! I was just thinking the other day how much I want to write you another poem, but I haven't been able to write anything in such a long time, because my mom took my notebooks away. My fingers are itching to write. I will take care of myself, and I know everything will be okay. It's just the waiting for things to get better that is the hardest. Haha, a lapdance sounds great, I might just take you up on that. ^_^ Thanks for being here for me, you are so amazing. I love you always and forever, and don't you ever forget it! Apanda, I used to have the same opinion as you, but then I realized how important it is to have at least a few moments of happiness every once in a while. So with happiness, I have the same policy as I do with love. Better to have loved and lost... I really miss you, and you sound like you're not doing very well, so we have to see each other soon. I could use a good Apanda hug for sure. But I think we'll have to wait till after Thanksgiving, my mom's got me running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Damn. I LOVE you Apanda, no matter what you believe. *sticks out tongue* Justine! Whoa, totally sucky sex dream. I'm sorry, that blows. :( But yeah, my depression is just gonna stick around for a bit until I leave my house. So, that'll get rid of it. *nods* But, when I'm out, I'll definately be happy enough to make you smile again, and then we'll get to work on getting you out of your depression! Yay! *smiles in a sad way* I wish I had more chances to see you. I really miss you. I hope you're floating along, like me, and that you're surviving. We have to see each other soon too. Thanks for all your comments my pretties. Your encouragement is the only thing that has made me smile for real all day. I'm depressed because my mom is SLOWLY starting to realize that I'm slipping out of her control. I'll be 18 on Thanksgiving. I won't be done with school, but I'm real close, I'll probably be done around Chrsitmas. Then, after I get mom to put together my transcript and print out a diploma, I'm outa here. I don't think she quite knows that yet, but she might, in the back of her mind, and she doesn't want to admit it yet. As a result, she's been evem more super controlling, and judgemental, and you know, like she even admits to 'plotting' against me. Like, she told me flat out that she doesn't want me to go to Japan, so there's no way she's gonna help me plan a trip (not that I wanted her help anyway, I was just shocked that she'd admit to trying to stop me from going) and I'm not 'allowed' to sign up for the Study Abroad at Haper College. Yeah, okay mom, right, like you have any real say in it anyway. And Yesterday she and I were helping her friend Susie clean her house, and Susie was talking about how she might rent out her basement to a college kid soon, so she could get a little cash. And mom looks at me and goes, "But not to you, 'insert my real name here'." And Susie's all like, "Why not?" And mom just turns on Susie like she cursed God or something and spits at her, "Because she's going to live at home with her family, so stop putting ideas in her head!" She fucking screamed at her best friend! What the hell!?! And Susie din't do anything wrong! She didn't even offer me the basement! She just asked a fucking question! She wasn't 'putting ideas in my head'! Hell, I've considered living with Susie for ages! But she never said anything about it! Lords, mom's just going psycho controlling. Whatever. I don't even care anymore. In fact, I'm glad she's being psycho, it'll make it easier for me to leave. Then I won't have any guilt. So, that's why I'm slipping back into depression. I have to spend every waking moment with that woman, except when I'm at work. Who ever thought work would be a Godsend? Right, so that's what's going on with me. Here's some lyrics before I go: For Apanda: Bonus Mosh Pt. 2 By: Taking Back Sunday So, scream I heard about your message, And how it reeked of your indifference, It bleeds horizontal straight from your wrist. (So scream louder now) I'm bound to come around about (Bound to come around) But can’t you, can’t you feel it rolling off your lips, Tensing up your shoulders, C’mon say it is... [Chorus] Well, it's love (It's love) Make it hurt (I deserve it) Well, it's love (It's love) Make it hurt (I deserve it) Well, it’s love, it’s love, it’s love... Make it hurt. I said I use the inconsistencies To undress the machine, You're the poster boy, their selling point, the focus for their new campaign. (Something has to be done) I'm bound to come around about (Bound to come around) Oh, but can’t you, can’t you feel it rolling off your lips, Tensing up your shoulders, c’mon... [Chorus] The keys to the castle (Are right where I left them) The princess walked in just to take more attention, 'Cause after all, well isn't that all that I've been after and, After all, well isn't that all that I'm after, You're so... (No way out) I'll give up in you, I'll give up in you, (No way out) I'll give up in you. (No way out) I'll give up in you, I'll give up in you, (No way out) I'll give up in you. I wanted you for nothing more, Than hating you for what you were, If that's what you wanted to hear, (Well, if that's what you wanted to hear) I wanted you for nothing more, Than hating you for what you were, (Don't leave, leave) If that's what you wanted to hear, (If that's what you wanted to hear) I wanted you for nothing more, Than hating you for what you were, (Don't leave, leave) If that's what you wanted to hear, (If that's what you wanted to hear) (It's love, it's love) I wanted you for nothing more, (Make it hurt, I deserve it) Than hating you for what you were, (If that's what you wanted to hear) That's what you wanted to hear, (To hear) If that's what you wanted to hear. (If that is how you'll let it burn) For Justine: Misery Loves Its Company By: Red Jumpsuit Aparatus Listen close as we wait for a sound to go It's true, we are we are destined to fail It's true, we are we are destined to fail There is a problem here with our society The absence of my tears is my sobriety I have a growing fear and you're not helping me Am I the only one who realizes it's true? Beat but I'm not broken Guide me through with your hand Lead with your words spoken Show me how to listen You're persecuting me, showing hypocrisy I have a remedy for your insecurity It's all the same, sadly, nobody works for free Am I the only one who realizes it's true Beat but I'm not broken Guide me through with your hand Lead with your words spoken Show me how to listen Let your light shine through me Take this hate I can't release Help me make the blind see Misery loves its company When I dream, I see dawn turn into dusk, into dusk Beat but I'm not broken Guide me through with your hand Lead with your words spoken Show me how to listen Let your light shine through me Take this hate I can't release Help me make the blind see Misery loves its company It's true, we are we are destined to fail It's true, we are we are destined to fail For October: Come Away With Me By: Norah Jones (though my cousin sings it much better than Norah) Come away with me in the night Come away with me And I will write you a song Come away with me on a bus Come away where they can't tempt us With their lies I want to walk with you On a cloudy day In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high So won't you try to come Come away with me and we'll kiss On a mountaintop Come away with me And I'll never stop loving you And I want to wake up with the rain Falling on a tin roof While I'm safe there in your arms So all I ask is for you To come away with me in the night Come away with me And one for Me: There's a War Going On for Your Mind By: The Flobots Media mavens mount surgical strikes from trapper keeper collages and online magazine racks Cover girl cutouts throw up pop-up ads Infecting victims with silicone shrapnel Worldwide passenger pigeons deploy paratroopers Now it's raining pornography Lovers take shelter Post-production debutantes pursue you in Nascar chariots They construct ransom letters from biblical passages and bleed mascara into the holy water supplies There's a war going on for your mind Industry insiders slang test tube babies to corporate crack heads They flash logos and blast ghettos Their embroidered neckties say "Stop Stitching" Conscious rappers and whistle blowers get stitches made of acupuncture needles and marionette strings There is a war going on for your mind Professional wrestlers and vice presidents want you to believe them The desert sky is their blue screen They superimpose explosions They shout at you "Pay no attention to the men behind the barbed curtain Nor the craters beneath the draped flags Those hoods are there for your protection And meteors these days are the size of corpses" There's a war going on for your mind We are the insurgents That's all for today. You all rock my socks. Ato my pretties, until tomorrow maybe, or Monday.

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Bleed

No time again. It's Ryan's Birthday. I am sinking into despression again. Shit. I had my first sex drem involving a girl, and I was on top. Weird. Uh, yeah, that's all I got time for, and lyrics. I really liked one line in this song, but the song as a whole reminded me of Apanda (minus the boy thing... yeah). Here you go: You're So Last Summer By: Taking Back Sunday She said "don't, don't let it go to your head Boys like you are a dime a dozen, Boys like you are a dime a dozen" She said "you're a touch overrated, you're a lush and I hate it but these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing" And all I (all I) Need to know (need to know) Is that I'm something you'll be missing (is that I'm something that you're missing) (maybe I should hate you for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that far (maybe I should hate you for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that... I'd never lie to you Unless I had to I'll do what I got to Unless I had to I'll do what I got to, THE TRUTH IS YOU COULD SLIT MY THROAT AND WITH MY ONE LAST GASPING BREATH I'D APOLOGIZE FOR BLEEDING ON YOUR SHIRT And all I (all I) Need to know (need to know) Is that I'm something you'll be missing (is that I'm something that you're missing) (maybe I should hate you for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that far (maybe I should hate you for this) Maybe I should hate you for this Never really did ever quite get that... Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions This'll be last chance you get to drop my name Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions This'll be last chance you get to drop my name If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...) If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this) Maybe I should hate you for this (If only you knew half as much as you pretend to) Maybe I should hate you for this (If only you knew half as much as you pretend to) I miss you all, Justine, Apanda, October, and Britty. I love you all so much, so much and forever.

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Friday, November 14, 2008

May God Keep Her

My friend's little sister died last Friday. She was nine years old. Rachel Caroline Rosmanitz

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