Thursday, September 25, 2008

Finally!

I Have Pictures!!! ^_^ I was inspired by October who posted gorgeous pictures of herself yesterday. I finally have pictures from the Band Trip to California last year. I'm the redhead. ^_^ This is Ryan, Me, and Gloria doing the 'Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil' thingy at the airport... ^_^ Amanda, Gloria, Me, Stacy, Kathy, and Kylie at Disney Land Gloria, Me, Stacy, and Amanda Stacy, Kathy, and me having lunch while everyone else went on a water ride The side of Jacob's face and me when we were on the giant Ferris Wheel, with the wind in our hair ^_^ Those are the only decent pictures I have of myself, I sure hope they were passable! This was me last year of course, so my hair was a lot longer back then. *nods* Cool, I go now. Ato!

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

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Damn. I tried to watch Loveless during break, but veoh wont load and megavideo is blocked, Damn Damn Damn. I watched 10 episodes of Loveless today, because I've never seen it before, and I thought it was about time. But now I don't know when I'll have the chance to finish the last two. Damn Damn Damn. You know, I took a test on theO 'Which Loveless Character Are You?' and my result was Soubi, who I didn't know until know. Holy flying monkies! I'm SOOOOO Soubi! Hahaha... ANYWHO... I suck, I'm a selfish, thoughtless, mindless jerkface. *nods* I miss you Apanda, Justine, Britty, and my October. Sorry I suck monkies.

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Monday, September 22, 2008

Congratulate Me, I'm Emotionless Again

Yeah, so the football game really helped, cuz I got to see everyone again. Yay Apanda! And now Ash knows I'm bi, yeah, she didn't know that before Apanda... heh, oh well! Saturday I went to a dance party at Lucas's house, which was super cool. I've never, like grinded before. I only danced once with Lucas, but then I latched myself onto Erin for the rest of the night, because, I don't know, it was less awkward to grind with a girl. *shrugs* BUT THEN! OMG!!!! *dies* Sam Carlson (a male) started grinding with Justin Olson (also a male)(and they were facing each other..), and I SWEAR I ALMOST FAINTED. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. Hottest thing I've ever seen!!! Way hotter than all the yaoi I've watched!!!! O_O And then Amanda got all jealous because she's dating Justin, so Erin, Amanda and I started this grind line, and aparently Justin liked that a lot, so we kept doing it the rest of the night. I went to sleep pretty HAPPY... hahahaha. Anyway, so Gloria wrote this brutally honest post on her blog, and I'm very proud of her, I think I'll have to visit her on Wednesday. She basically yelled at everyone for not noticing her even though she's tried really hard to be more outgoing. I'm very proud of her, because she even complained about me. And now I know. So I am very glad. Breaks over. Apanda, when am I gonna see you again?!?!?! It's an away game next week... oh shit, I really gotta go, sorry!!! I loves ya!

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

For a Second

Hola. Um, so yeah. I was mad at myself because, well, I got home from work Monday night and went up to my room, and I just broke down. Like the really ugly kind of sobbing thing. So I was mad, because I can't do that now, I can't be emotional now because I need to stay strong. I can't feel anything till I've accomplished what I need to. I can't be weak until I get out of here. So that's why I got pissed and tried to distract myself by working out. Hence the soreness. But, I guess I'm better-ish now. The soreness is gone, I'm working out again, and I am emotionless again. I think it helped that my mom has been real busy this week, so I've had a lot of time alone. Hence the posting today from home instead of work. I think I'll mess with my backgrounds and colors and shit now that I have the time. I know I don't really talk to her, but I really like Michelle's site. *nods* It's simple and poetic, instead of gloomy and dispairing like mine. I finished watching Ouran High School Host Club. I'm actually kinda pissed that they ended it there. I wanted to find out what happened, you know? But I guess they left it so fanfiction writers could have a lot of fun with possible futures, and that's cool with me. I'm still itching to write, but I can't. I've got like, three poems and two novels locked in my head right now. My hands ache. I need to write. You know, Ryan is a good friend of mine, but there are times when his sense of humor really hurts. Like usually it's hilarious when he's a bastard, if it's in the right situation. But Monday we were leaving work, and we were washing our hands in the same sink, and he goes' "Your hair is sticking up in the back, it's really cute." Naturally I'm shocked, but happy, but I ask him, "Are you being serious?" And he's all, "No!" and laughs and walks away. Gee, thanks Ry. Because you're like the only friend I get to see on a regular bassis. The only taste of humanity I get during these months. And for a second, you said something really nice, something that I actually needed from someone else in that moment, and then just like that, you snuff out that little glimmer of happiness. Thanks Ry. You're really great. Sorry, you all know Ry is a good guy, but sometimes, he can't see past his own nose. If you catch my drift. Well, I'm gonna go mess with my settings. I love you all, I'll try and call you today Apanda.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

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Hola. Um. I hurt. Heh. I got mad at myself yesterday, so I forced myself to run around the block, and then I had all this energy, so I did a full body workout. Then today, I worked out again real early in the morning, and then rode my bike all the way to work, and then had the hardest/ most physical job at work, and I hurt now. And I think I did something weird to my wrist. Well, point being, all that working didn't distract me. I'm still mad at myself. Got any ideas? I did find a fantastic clip on youtube. If you want a laugh, then check it out. It's literally five seconds long. Search 'Yamapi tease'. It's the first result. I watched it over and over, it's so priceless. Uh, yeah. Lyrics? The Steward of Gondor Lord of the Rings Soundtrack Home is behind The world ahead And there are many paths to tread Through shadow To the edge of night Until the stars are all alight Mist and shadow Cloud and shape Hope shall fail All shall fade That's the song Billy Boyd sings. Yeah. Time to go distract myself again. What the hell is wrong with me?

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Monday, September 15, 2008

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Hmmm, Break at work... what to say???? I had a dream about the teacher that saved my life in seventh grade. I haven't visited him since I left Winston. I was trying to figure out why I haven't taken the time, or even if I was avoiding the school or something. What I figure is that I wanted to have my life straightened out before I went to see him. Like, I wanted to be happy, you know? I wanted to show him that I turned out all right. But I guess I didn't think it would take this long to get better. I wonder if he'll remember me after Christmas. I mean, it will have been almost five years. I'll have to visit him after I move out. Because then my life will be straight again. Finally. Another thing, I just realized that I can't get in to Homecoming. I'm really frickin pissed, because I really wanted to go, you know, it will be my last chance. But you need an ID to get in, and I don't have a school ID, a Driver's License, or a state ID, so they wouldn't let me in. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Not like it matters anyway, because all my friends decided to be bitches and deemed it more important to have 'dates of the male persuasion' for their Senoir homecoming Dance. Bitches. *glares* But whatever. IF someone asks, which no one will, because out of sight, out of mind you know, then I'll try to convince my mom to get me a state ID. But I doubt she'll let me. Whatev. Screw it all. APANDA! I found this song for you!!!!!!! *big smile* And there's a football game again this Fri, will you be there?!?!!?!!?! ^_^ Here's dah song: Fix You By: Coldplay When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down on your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you I hope to see you again Friday Apanda. October, if you read this before I post again, check my archives, I mentioned something I wanted you to know. *nods* Love you my koishii! Justine!!! Where are you!?!?!?! *says in sing-song voice* I miss you, I will try to call you this week. Okay, so, I just gotta vent for a sec. So if oyu know me, you know I'm super poor. My mom has to borrow MY money so we can eat every week. I have maybe two outfits of clothes. Well, my dad was doing laundry yesterday, and decided not to check pockets for shit, so when he took ALL my clothes out of the dryer, he discovered that a chapstick had been left in one of my pair of pants (my fault, I take blame for that, however, you are supposed to check for shit in pockets before you wash anything) and guess what?!?! Two of my best shirts, out of the threee that are wearable, and the only two pair of wearable pants I own are now completely ruined. Fantastic. This is just starting off to be a hell of a week, ne? Well, I gotta go. Thanks for letting me vent. I love everyone, sorry to Britty AGAIN for not PMing you yet. I'm such a butface sometimes. I'm sorry. Ato my pretties.

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

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No time really. Nat passed my test at the football game. He didn't touch me the entire night. This means... I have no idea. *laughs* But he looks fantastic with wet hair, and he's a good driver. Just thought I'd mention that. Oh, and I now have an open ended invitation to show up at his house any time I want, for whatever reason. *nods* BUT! More importantly, I GOT TO SEE APANDA!!!! *dies* *comes back* I am so happy, and yet super depressed at the same time, because seeing her and spending time with her at the football game just made me miss her more. *sobs* I loves you Apanda!!!!!!! And, uh, I think I found a college to go to... heh. Yeah, University of Wisconsin, Milwaulke. Nat's older sister Amanda (ironic?) Majors in Linguistic there. *nods* I think I'll do that too. I can double major in Japanese and Celtic. *claps* And I don't know, I just kinda liked it when I looked it up today. But, I still can't figure out how much it costs. It only shows tuition by every semester, and it won't tell me how much the residence halls cost, so it's really annoying. I'll have to call to find out and I don't know when I'll do that. Maybe sometime when I'm hanging out at Nat's house. ^_^ SOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOO. Yeah, I can't think of anything else, except that I'm a bit on the edge of insanity after seeing everyone last night. It makes my confinment that much worse. So I leave now beause break is over. I love you my pretties, I miss you all!!!!!!!! *kisses all around* WAIT! Lyrics first! Hahaha... Behind Closed Doors By: Rise Against Chairs thrown and tables toppled, Hands armed with broken bottles, Standing no chance to win but, We're not running, we're not running. There's a point I think we're missing, It's in the air we raise our fists in, In the smiles we cast each other, My sister, my brother. About the time we gave up hoping, We never find these locks still open, Stumbling on stones unturned, The hurt we feel, we all have earned. The lines we've cross in search of change, but all they see is treason [Chorus:] Although we have no obligation to stay alive, On broken backs we beg for mercy, we will survive, (Break out) I won't be left here, Behind closed doors. Bonfires burn like beacons, Guiding the lost and weakened. Flames dance on crashing waves, Guiding ships who've gone astray Time out, let's stop and think this through, We've all got better things to do, Than talk in circles, run in place, Answers inches from my face. [Chorus] Black eyes, broken fingers, Blood drips and I let it run, down my lips into my swollen gums, When hope is non-existent, Our instincts all scream "Run", We never turn our backs or even bite our tongue. [Chorus x2]

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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I Should Care, But Somehow I Don't...

Well surprise, I guess I am working today. I was supposed to post on this thing that was bothering me, but then I read Apanda's post from two days ago, so I don't know if I should... but actually, I will, cuz I gotta get it off my chest, but I gotta say first to Apanda that I don't want to hear any of that shit that 'no one could ever love you', I don't wanna hear it, okay? Cuz that's just bullshit, you don't know how much you mean to people. You gotta get it through your head that you aren't a total failure and that people LOVE you, realy really LOVE you. Forgive me if I sound mean, but I just need you to know how serious I am. You are such an amazing person and you don't even know it. I'll talk to you Friday Apanda, and you're gonna get one giant lung-crushing hug, got it? Okay, now onto my rant. Nat. Ahhh, yes, a familiar name. At least familiar to Apanda, and possibly October if she remembers. And Justine? I'm not sure, I think so. Britty, I don't think you will know anything about him. Anyway, I'm going to start from the beginning with him because it's all very hard to explain. So Nat is my friend Nicki's little brother. He's a year younger than me. I met him my freshman year when he was in 8th grade when I went over to Nicki's to hang. The first time I laid eyes on him, he took my breath away. He is not your average guy. *shakes head* Now he's a Junoir and I'm a Senoir and he's a relatively good friend of mine, but he's more than that too. Confused? Me too. So I think it started... uhhhh, beginning of last year. Nat and I had lunch at the same time, and we both hung out in the band room instead of the Cafeteria. What I believe spurred the whole thing on was that he had had a really hard day and his back was killing him, so I gave him a back massage. Curse my pity on hurting people. Then it became sorta this pay each other back thing...? I don't know, like, I gave him a back massage, so he gave me one the next day, and then it was a backscratch... and it sorta stumbled on from there. We're both very physical people so some things just felt right... ish? GAH! This is so hard to explain. It was (and is) never anything like "OMG I WANT you" or " I wanna get in your pants" or nasty, it was (and is) always, "hey, it feels good when we do this, so we might as well", if that makes any sense. And don't jump to conclusions here! We've never like, kissed or done REALLY dirty stuff, you know? Like here, example: He'd be sitting in a chair and he'd pull me unto his lap and give me a hand massage while I touched his leg... or er... see! This is hard! It's so confusing to explain, but the point is Nat and I would do this stuff and no one knew about it. For some reason it was just instinct not to tell. Like people wouldn't get it, they'd think we liked each other and shit, but it wasn't really that. At least not on his end. And every time Nat would get a girlfriend, we'd both stop, you know? Because he's with someone, and he's not gonna cheat on them. But then as soon as he'd break up with the girl, he'd be back to me with a vengence, like he was deprived of a real touch for the longest time. Well, it sorta died off towards the end of the year because we didn't have lunch together anymore. And then I didn't see him the entire summer. But just last Saturday I was over at Nicki's house for a party with all of our friends and Nat was there, cuz even though he's younger, he's still like one of us. And as soon as he saw me, he like tackled me like I was his savoir or something, and pulled me onto his lap just like old times. EXCEPT, this was in front of our friends. All of them. Not that I really minded, but at least I knew his intentions when we kept it secret. I knew that he was just using me, and I was just using him, and we were both okay with that. But now in front of all our friends?! I could feel the eyes burning into the back of my head. Especially from Nicki. Not that I give a shit what people think of me, but when they ask, I won't have an answer. What is he thinking now? What are his intentions now? I heard him say once that he would never date someone older than him, so what is he doing? And quite frankly, he gets off scott free in this. I look like a slut, and he looks like an angel. *throws hands up* SO! That's what's going on, and that's what is confusing me, and if he acts like that at the football game this Friday, in front of the entire school, then I'm going to be SUPER confused, and I might just talk to him about it. But if he just acts like we're old friends, then, hell, I don't know what to think about that either. Well, I'm out of time, so there's my rant, judge me if you wish. I love you all, thanks for listening. Sorry yet again to Britty for not getting to your PM, and sorry to October for not commenting on your post yet. I won't be on again until Saturday, and then I won't have much time, so I might not really be on till next Monday. I'll see Apanda Friday, and I pray, Justine as well. We'll just have to see what Nat does. Should be interesting, ne? Okay, ato!

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Monday, September 8, 2008

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Well, I was gonna post a long one today, I've got something I need to get off my chest, but I don't think I have time... I don't even know when I'm working next, so I can't say when I'll be on. The only thing I have to say is that I've got some lyrics for Apanda. I was listening to this song todday during work and I thought of us, so here you go! Alright By: Superchick There's so much on my mind lately I can't make out my own thoughts anymore I don't know where one begins and the other one ends I wish that I could push a button an d turn it al off Just for a little while Long enough to take a breath and then I'll know (CHORUS) It'll be OK, It'll be Alright There's so much that needs to be done lately I can't make out what's important anymore I don't know where my needs begin and someone else's end I don't wanna let anyone down cause I feel like I'm falling down when I do But for now would someone else please volunteer to say... CHORUS Life is hard for everyone so let's blow it all off Just for a little while Let's take a break It'll still be there when we get back I always try to solve all our problems by working real hard Going just another mile But every now and then I think we should let it go and say... CHORUS This is my last verse and it's for everyone feeling not so great today We don't know what's coming just around the bend Always hard to believe in your own life easier to find belief for a friend I'll hope for you You for me and together we can say... See, like I said, we'll hold each other up when things get tough. Britty too, now that I think of it. Um, I gotta go sorry, breaks over. Ato my pretties.

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Saturday, September 6, 2008

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Hey, I did get on after all! Yippee. I guess. Heh. SOOOOOOO... I've got some lyrics. *nods* I'm Not Alright By: Sanctus Real If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall I am not immune, I only want to be loved But I feel safe behind the firewall Can I lose my need impress? If you want the truth I need to confess [Chorus:] I'm not alright, I'm broken inside And all I go through, it leads me to you Burn away the pride Bring me to my weakness Until everything I hide behind is gone And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to Only you are there to lead me on. Honestly, I'm not that strong. [Chorus:] I'm not alright... that's why I need you. Beautiful song, even though it isn't exactly how I'm feeling right now, cuz I don't feel like I NEED anyone like the song suggests, but maybe someday I will. I guess I just really relate to the line "And honestly I'm not that strong". Here's another one! Suddenly By: Superchick She feels lost in her own life Treading water just to keep from slipping under And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be Tired of trying to do it right Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she's making Might be taking her to who she'll be Chorus: And suddenly it isn't what it used to be And after all this time it worked out just fine And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be And after all the tears I was supposed to be here She feels locked in her own life Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was And she's afraid of being free There's a way she knows is right She can't feel the things she knows And so each step she's taking is a step of faith toward who she'll be Chorus And here where the night is darkest black She feels the fear and the light is farthest back And through her tears she can't see the dawn is coming Skies will clear and the light will find her where she's always been. Chorus You gotta listen to it. It's much more powerful with the music. Another, yes? (Cuz I've got time) Under the Knife By: Rise Against Wake me up inside Tell me theres a reason To take another step To get up off my knees and, Follow this path of most resistance And wherever it takes us, Whatever it faces and wherever it leads, So wake me when its through I don't want to feel, the things that you do (The things that you do) Don't worry I'll be fine I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside Something for the pain, just to kill this feeling Though we look awake, Inside we're all still sleeping And I've spent my time here alive, but barely there. Do you believe we will ever make it? Do you think we'll ever really see? So wake me when its through I don't want to feel, the things that you do (The things that you do) Don't worry I'll be fine I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside Wake me up inside these dreams all die if we let them wake me up inside today wont start if we just give in Just wake me when its through I don't want to feel, the things that you do (The things that you do) Don't worry I'll be fine I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside Rise Against is my obsession band through this time in my life. They kinda keep me holding on; as cliche as it sounds to owe your life to a band. But really, their songs are somehow always encouraging. OKAY. It's my momma's birthday tomorrow. She's having her family over at our house, so she's all stressed out trying to make everything PERFECT for them. Why the fuck would you willingly put yourself through that kind of stress? How retarded. Anyway, I feel bad cuz I didn't get her anything, but it's not like she lets me out of the house, so what was I supposed to do? *shrugs* Depressing thought. I just found out that the cute guy at my work smokes, so that just really sucks. He was so promising too. Oh! Please don't think that I snub smokers or anything! It's just that I'm severly allergic to something in cigarates, so I can't ever date a smoker. Make out sessions could be disasterous. On the upside, there's this girl working today that usually only works Sundays, so I never get to see her, but she randomly showed up today... Anyway, she is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! OMG, it makes me so nervous whenever she's near me, I can't think, I can't function, I shake like a frickin leaf! It's not that I've got a crush on her, I hardly know her, but she's just SO stunning, I can't get over it. And you know what?! She called me cute today. Cute! YESH! *jumps up and down* So that was definately the high point of my day. Hehe! ^_^ *big sigh* Well, I've talked myself out. Sorry Britty that I haven't PMed you yet, I'll try to catch you on Monday. Apanda! You just wait, you'll get that super hug soon! Justine, I now have your birthday present all wrapped and ready to go. October my love, I love that you're so happy, I miss you, talk to you soon. Okay, that's about it; until Monday then. Ato my pretties!

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