Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Promise

Okay, so as I promised Amanda, even though she hasn't read my email yet, I will be telling a story today. When I was in grade school, I was a model student and a great kid. Not bragging, just being honest. Junior High changed everything. It was such a different environment with a shitload more stress and way too much drama that I in my protected and friendly little world did not know how to handle. To top it all off, I had begun to doubt there was a God. So I had no source to fall back on when things got tough. I wasn't close with my mom either, because I was way too worried about her opinion of me. Now I had some of the best friends in the world, friends I still plan on keeping until the day I die, but I was too stupid to treat them as true friends. For a long time, I kept all of my emotions and stresses inside, thinking I could handle them on my own. Wrong. Halfway through the year I was to the point of mild insanity. I hope some of my friends didn't see that. My depression was severe and I took to writing poetry in class rather than actually paying attention. (Of course there's nothing wrong with poetry, I'm just telling you what I did). I wrote some of my worst poems during that time, but at least they got some of my emotions out. I honestly don't know why I didn't just talk to my friends. What's done is done however, and I'll tell you what my thoughts were, from what I can remember. I blamed my parents for everything, even though they had nothing to do with what was going on in my life. I blamed them for not giving me freedom and for putting too much pressure on me to do well in school. In reality, I put all the pressure on myself. I blamed them for not letting me dress the way I wanted or go to co-ed parties. I blamed them for me being a loser. I was a total fool. I planned out suicide twice. The first time I walked from school over to a gas station, intending on buying sleeping pills or something, because I figured that would be the easiest way to go. I had the bottle of pills in my hand, but I didn't have enough money. Being the goody-two-shoes that I still was, I didn't think of steeling it. I thank God everyday that I'm poor. The second time I was at the creek that runs through my neighborhood. I was standing in the water, knowing what I wanted to do, and way too terrified to do it. I put it off for twenty minutes before I finally got up enough resolve to stick my head under. Before I could, my friend Gloria showed up, because it was our favorite hang out spot. Of course, she had no idea what I had been planning on doing, but her presence stopped me from doing the most stupid thing I could ever do. There you have it. That's where I was in Junior High. Life for me is much different now. I find joy in everything and I know I have the greatest friends. My mom and I are really close and I tell her almost everything. I have plans for my future and a positive outlook on life. Most importantly, I have God. I wouldn't have been here without Him. A piece of my heart for you! Now you know. Love you all. Oh and because I would so do this... *winks*

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