Friday, March 7, 2008

   Sucks.

Hullo dearies, Sorry about how short and retarded yesterday’s post was. I guess I just didn’t feel like talking. Today I feel like spilling my guts. Fun huh? Not really. First of, I’d just like to say that I’m stupid and ignorant and I have no idea how to use the new Otaku. myOtaku won’t let me PM anyone, so I tried using theOtaku, and it said I sent the PM, but I have no idea whether or not it worked. I don’t know, I guess I’m just confused because Tony said his backroom did look anything like mine and I really don’t know anything about theOtaku anyway cuz all I ever used was myOtaku and now I’m just completely confused. So could the Phantom Jay or anyone else please just explain to my puny little brain how the hell these two websites work?! Moving on. Yesterday I was really upset with my dad and I don’t even know why I am telling you this because I know Amanda is the only one who reads my posts and I already told her this. And yet here we are. Lords, I don’t even want to type it out, it sounds so fucking pathetic. So you know what? I won’t. Amanda, you know why I’m mad. Finally, I just want to complain about myself, deal with it. So I was just thinking today about how fucking alone I am. I mean, I’ve got the greatest friends in the world, and good parents, and God, who is always with me, but I’m still so lonely. But I shouldn’t complain! People have it worse than me. It’s just that I feel like I have so much love to give and no one cares. I’ll never get married. I accepted that long ago. I used to complain about it to Justine. No one would want to stay with me long enough. No one would have the patience. I’m too complicated. Too selfish. But whatever. And you know what just makes the whole situation worse? I think I’m a lesbian. Ha. Yeah. I’m attracted to men and their presence, their dominance, their bodies, but in the long run, I don’t love men like I love women. I just don’t know if I could trust a man with my heart and soul. I guess that’s not really lesbianism, but it is saying that I’d rather marry a woman. But that in itself just pushes me into an even greater depression. I can’t wait till I’m an adult. I just want my own life right now. Is that too much to ask? And now a fucking disclaimer: I am about to be pissy towards myself, deal with it. I hate that I’m complaining right now. I’m so weak when I complain. I shouldn’t be in such a bad mood. I have to be happy, I have to be strong for my friends. I just have to suck it up. I have such a good life. What do I have to complain about?! I’m so blessed, and yet I’m still not satisfied. I’m so thoughtless. I’m a fucking selfish spoiled brat. Who is so lonely. I’m thinking of making a new website and ditching this one As much as ‘Hissori Masurao’ has been good to me, I don’t want to be a quiet warrior anymore. Um, so I’m thinking of calling the site Lady Valiant’ after my latest poem. The poem really describes me, defiant and alone, so I feel like it fits. Plus, if I just make a new site, maybe I’ll be able to figure out theOtaku. What do you think? I’m out, hope someone cares enough to read this.

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