Saturday, March 29, 2008

Joy

I feel really good. I’m just… I’m just utterly content right now. I can’t really think of another way to describe it. I don’t even know when it happened. Sometime last night? Or has it been coming for a little while now? Did I have to go through some really hard times to get to this place, or did it really, literally, just hit me over the head? For the first time in my life, I feel like I really know myself. And I feel so alive! I don’t know what it is. I guess I’m just finally coming into my own and I’m just content. I feel like I can be strong again, but not as a façade. Like it’s real strength. And I know that being strong doesn’t mean being immovable and unshaken when hard things come up. It doesn’t mean not showing your emotions when bad things are going on. I know it’s honesty. If that makes any sense. Strength is honesty? Lords, that sounds stupid, but when you think about it, it takes so much courage to be honest with your friends and the people you love, and even more to be honest with yourself. I always thought I had to be ‘strong for my friends’, I had to be the smile for people who were unhappy and the laugh for people who wanted to cry. How could I show my emotions to them? They had too many problems of their own, it would be selfish to dump my shit on them too. But that’s so wrong! That’s like being a parent, not a friend! I can still be strong for my friends, and I can be honest with them, and show them the real me, and what’s going on in my head. It’s not dumping my shit on them, it’s showing them I trust them and love them. I feel so free! And now I’m probably acting like a retard, but I am so happy. I know myself. I understand why I do and feel the things I do. I am happy with who I am, all my faults, everything. I don’t regret anything. I finally don’t regret anything! Come what may, I care not! Well, I have decided then, I'll make a new website when they are done mending myO. Don't worry, I'm not abandoning you guys! I'm just going to start fresh and shake myself out of the rut I was in. Like I said, I feel really good right now and it's about time I turn over a new page in my life. The website will basically look the same as this, because I'm finally content with this layout. If you haven't noticed, I've changed the intro little by little over the past few months, and I'm happy with how it turned out. I narrowed it down to what I thought were the most important things to say. First I've got that red-headed anime girl. I chose her because she represents my love of anime, and she's tough and strong with a hint of wide-eyed innocence too. So she's basically me in anime form. Next is 'Dum Spiro, Spero' which is Latin for 'While I breathe, I hope'. That's pretty self-explainatory. It's my motto. Then there's 'My loveless name is Thoughtless'. That's a tribute to my biggest fault of selfishness. It's a reminder that I need to take my eyes off myself and think about others. Then the 'Forgive Me' picture. This is me asking the forgiveness of anyone whom I've ever wronged, and for all my faults. While I may accept them, I am still ashamed of them. 'Question Everything' is because the one thing I've learned in my short but very eventful life is that you can never trust society to be honest with you. Never. You need to discover things on your own. The one person you can trust completely is God, but even then, you can't trust everything that people say about Him. And then, the banner stating 'My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses.' This is here for a few reasons. One, it's my favorite line from my favorite song from my favorite band! XD Two, it's an odd play on my online name of Rose. Three, it's what I do. I love. It's in my nature to love, and part of that goes into doing whatever I can to make my friends happy. Finally, my avatar. I will probably keep this one for a while, because as much as I loved the 'The Porn, it Glows!' avatar, this one represents my life. I am caged. Not a happy thought, but it tells you something about me. There's my overly drawn out and entirely unnecessary explaination for all my pics and shit in my intro. My new site, hopefully, will be named Lady Valiant, after a poem I wrote that October claims is her favorite. I just pray the name hasn't been taken yet. Alright, I'm coming back on Monday, but I have work, so I don't know how much time I'll have. I'll probably only have time to PM, but we'll see! Thanks for being fantablulous and letting me rant about myself for this annoyingly pointless post. I appreciate it! I love everyone here so much, don't forget to smile today!

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