Thursday, May 22, 2008

Mood: Manbyou

I'm so so sorry! I was so sick yesterday and I just couldn't get to school. I think I had food poisoning or something, I could not stop throwing up. Today I feel much better, all I've got is a stuffy nose, so I think I musta eaten something weird. I really wanted to see Apanda to see how she was doing, but alas! I have no control over the habits of my stomach. The good thing is, I think I lost like two pounds... I'm leaving tomorrow, and Mom won't let me have an alone day cuz she's still sick and she doesn't want to leave the house. I won't be able to post tomorrow, and the next time I'll be on is Tuesday. If I'm not working. So I'm trying to write all this out as fast as I can. I used to think I only had a phobia of one thing: needles. But last year, I became aware of another: Flying. I'm terrified of flying. And I've got a four hour flight tomorrow. I know it seems stupid, but I never think I'll come back from a flight. I mean like, I always think I'm gonna die. The plane will crash, you'll all here about it on the news: *News Anchor Voice* "Friday evening a Southwest Airlines plane carrying the Palatine High School Symphonic Band crashed into a mountain after severe turbulence caused the plane to loose computer navigation. Everyone was killed." *News Program Music* I'm serious. I always think it'll happen. It's sad, but I think I'll be dead tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, on the return flight on Monday. So long world, too bad I didn't have enough time to find someone to love. So that's where I am emotionally today. I'm trying to have a good day and be nice to everyone because this may be my last full day on earth. Prayers people, I need them. Uh, I'm trying to get my mom to buy me a book today, Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis. It's one of his less famous books, but in my opinion, the absolute best book in the world. I recommend it to everyone. If you can handle a hard read. Gah, I can't think of anything else to say! *hits self* Come on! It could be my last day on earth, and I can't think of anything to say?!?!? *shakes fist* Fine, I'll go through it all. Apanda, do you know how amazing you are? Never forget that you are loved. Seeing you in the hallway is the high point of my day, no matter what mood either of us are in. I look forward to it always. Thank you for being so honest with me about yourself, you're so real, and I cherish your willingness to let me into your life. If I do survive this trip, and all my dreams of being a make-up artist and moving to Japan come true, I will do everything in my power to never loose contact with you, until the day I die. I'll email you every day, and make expensive overseas phone calls because you are SO worth it, and I love you way more than I love my own life. Justine, even though I haven't seen you/talked with you nearly as much as I would have liked this year, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You're so funny, sometimes I envy how you can make something boring like a muffin into so much more. I trust you with my biggest secrets, you were the first person I ever told that I was bi, you were the only person I could trust at that time with that part of me. And I know sometimes you feel broken, and like you'll always be alone, but you've got to know that even if (and I doubt this anyway) you never find another true love, you've got friends that would kill for you, that would give their lives for you. And that's all the love anyone really needs anyway. October, if you ever read this, it's three days until you've been gone a month. I miss you so much, I don't know what to do with myself. Your passion never ceased to amaze me, and you will make your dreams come true. I know you can. You can do everything you set your heart to. And even though we're just friends for now, I still love you, and even if I never hear from you again, I'll still always love you. I've never met someone quite as perfect as you. You swept me off my feet, and I am so blessed to have met you. If I do survive this trip, and you make it to Chicago, I'm yours, all yours. I pray for you every night, for your happiness, and the fulfilment of your dreams, and (more selfishly) that I'll be able to hear from you one more time. I miss you, my beloved. Live well, and never give up. Gloria, I can't write anything to you, because if I die tomorrow, you'll die with me. See, I told you we'd die together. Thanks for never judging me on my mistakes. I love you forever. So that's all my goodbyes for now. Just figured it's better to be safe than sorry. Oh, and it's decided, Shinemenmoku is the name of my new site. It means "One's True Charater" which is perfect for the name of this site, because this is the one place that I can truly be me. Thanks to everyone who helped me decide. Goodbye for now, pray that I live to see you all again. Sorry for being melodramatic. Manbyou means 'all kinds of sickness' beacuse I'm physically and emotionally sick at the moment. I love you all.

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