Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mood: Ikaru

Hey-lo my pretties, how is everyone? I figured I'd actually give you that in-depth-ish update I promised a little while ago. Before I continue, October, you should be reading this by tomorrow, I hope, but check your inbox because I PMed you, and check my archives, I've got a song I wanted you to see. Okay, continuing... Hum, feeling alright,I guess, a bit more stressed out than normal cuz we're having a garage sale, and I'm selling some of my own junk but... *shrugs* It's just annoying really, that's all. Over all, just a general sense of wanting to escape and just get my life started. Let's go way back, now shall we? I took the ACT (yuck) and got way better than I thought I'd get. I'd say a 30 isn't bad? Right? ^_^ I got perfect scores in English and reading, but math and science pulled my composite score down like hell. Damn math. Actually, it wasn't even the math so much as the time limit. If I'd had 20 extra minutes on the math and 10 extra minutes on the science, I would have done way better. But whatever. What's done is done, and I never want to take that fucker of a test again. I dated and broke up with a guy named Matt, he was a good guy, but I don't know. I guess I'm just retarded. Hopefully we'll get the chance to remain friends, though I probably won't get the chance to see him till I sneak over to visit everyone at band camp. Although, he could actually be reading this... I'm currently being hounded by my friend Henry, who really likes me, has liked me since freshman year, and although he is a very good friend of mine, I've said no every time he has asked me out. *sighs* I don't know, I guess it's nice to be liked, but it's really hard to hurt a good friend like him every time I turn him down. But I'm just not interested. To tell you the truth, I think I'm going through one of those "I'm almost a complete lesbian" stages that I go through sometimes. It comes and goes, but I'd really just like to be with a woman right now. I'd really like to be with a woman forever. *shrugs* Anyway... I haven't graduated yet. I still have a freakish amount of schoolwork to do, all before August 15, because that's when we have to send my curriculum back to the school, I don't know how I'm gonna finish it. But whatever. I'll finish. I have to. Still don't know what my future holds. Though a random terrifying thought went through my head that I don't really want to go to college at all, but then my mom said she'd be disappointed in me if I didn't, so that plan went down the drain. I have no idea what I'm gonna do, but as each day passes, I am growing more and more determined to move to Japan. Especially if Obama gets elected President. No offense. Something really frightens me about him. And it's not that he's a democrat, because I don't care about that, just something I can't put my finger on, like it'll be a big mistake if we elect him. I don't know. Whatever. I am considering adding photographer to my list of possible careers though. I got inspired by these haunting black and white photos I found on the internet (I've posted them on my site), and I'd love to be able to create that kinda of emotion from a photograph. So, we'll see what happens. I watched Wanted, and loved the ending lines: Wesley: Six weeks ago I was ordinary and pathetic, just like you. Who am I now? Account manager? Assassin? Just another tool who was mind fucked into killing his father? I am all of these. I am none of these. Who am I now? This is not me fulfilling my destiny. This not me following in my fathers footsteps. This is definitely not me saving the world. Sloan: Still trying to figure out who you are? Wesley: This is not me... this is just a mother fucking decoy. Sloan: [Sloan looks down to a X made of post-it notes on the floor] Oh fuck. [Wesley's bullet rips through his head] Wesley: This is me taking control, from Sloan, from the fraternity, from Janis, billing reports, ergonomic keyboards, from cheating girlfriends and sack of shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life. What the fuck have you done lately? I love that last line! "What the fuck have you done lately?" HAHAHAHA, awesome. It's inspirational really. It actually encouraged me to remember not to let others control my life. So yeah. Sweet movie. Now I might just not go to college and go get married to a woman. Maybe. *shrugs* I went and saw Wall-E with Apanda, haha, best movie ever!!!! Really! It was ridiculously cute! Apanda and I left the theatre with our faces hurting from smiling for so long! ^_^ I recently went to a Japanese restaurant with Justine, it was fantastic to see her and talk to her, although, I feel like I ranted a little too much, I wish I had asked more about how she's doing. But that's just thoughtless me, right? *shakes head* I hate myself sometimes. But whatever. We did agree that our problems always seem to go back to money. Stupid money. That our lives would be better if we had money. Not a lot, not like being rich or anything, but enough so we could move out of our crazy-ass houses, and fulfill our dreams. Curses. Oh, and I know I mentioned it before, but for October and Justine's sake, here's the link to the blog Ryry and I started: http://frustratedeveryday.blogspot.com And yes, October, Ry is a good friend of mine, he's the one I ranted about a while back who didn't like Christian music. And, as you can probably tell, I am going through one of my progressively more frequent emo stages. But thinking about it the other day, I began to realize a common pattern to my emo-ness. It starts off with something pushing me over my edge of sanity. This could be something retarded like disappointment with my mother, or not getting an alone day in FIVE FUCKING WEEKS, or my father being his racist, narcissistic, lazy-ass self, anything. Something pushes me over to despair. And I just get really sad and cry myself to sleep a couple nights in a row. Then, because I can't physically take being so emotional for so long, I shut down. I feel nothing for a couple more days. Nothing phases me, I'm indifferent to whatever happens to me. After that, I guess my heart is trying to bring me back to stability, so I get defiant. I get all "Fuck off, I can do this on my own." I start thinking that the only one who can help me, is me, and that's when I need my alone time the most, otherwise, I'll lash out. And I'll usually hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. But if I do get some peace and quiet, some rest from everyone else's emotional outbursts, then things get better. Then I can get happy-ish again. Until someone else starts the retarded cycle all over again. So yeah. That's what I discovered about myself. I'm pathetically predictable. Right now, I'm in the "Fuck off" defiance stage, and guess, what? I'm not getting my alone time, so for now, I'm just going to be selfish and not answer calls from 'friends' I have no patience for (and no one reading this is included in that comment, no worries), I'm not going to answer emails from needy, overly emotional 'friends' who want to get in my pants, I'm not going to let my mom guilt me into doing what she thinks is best for me, and I'm not gonna let my worthless father take the fucking basement from me. I NEED the basement to be my room, or I'm gonna fucking shoot myself in the head. Or run away and not come back. Whichever seems more convenient to me at the time. SO, in honor of my super emo-ness, here's a song. I just like the chorus. Prayer of the Refugee By: Rise Against Warm yourself by the fire, son, And the morning will come soon. I’ll tell you stories of a better time, In a place that we once knew. Before we packed our bags And left all this behind us in the dust, We had a place that we could call home, And a life no one could touch. Chorus: Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Down! We are the angry and the desperate, The hungry, and the cold, We are the ones who kept quiet, And always did what we were told. But we’ve been sweating while you slept so calm, In the safety of your home. We’ve been pulling out the nails that hold up Everything you’ve known. Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! So open your eyes child, Let’s be on our way. Broken windows and ashes Are guiding the way. Keep quiet no longer, We’ll sing through the day, Of the lives that we’ve lost, And the lives we’ve reclaimed. Go! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don’t need your help now, You will let me down, down, down! Don’t hold me up… (I don’t need your help, I’ll stand my ground) Don’t hold me up… (I don’t need your help) No! No! No! Don’t hold me up! (I don’t need your help, I’ll stand my ground) Don’t hold me up! (I don’t need your help, I’ll stand my ground) Don’t let me down, down, down, down, down! Phew! That was a long one! But hey, there's my every once in a blue moon Rose update. I don't know next time I'll be on. Love you all more than life itself! Ato my pretties. Oh, and ikaru means angry.

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