Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I Should Care, But Somehow I Don't...

Well surprise, I guess I am working today. I was supposed to post on this thing that was bothering me, but then I read Apanda's post from two days ago, so I don't know if I should... but actually, I will, cuz I gotta get it off my chest, but I gotta say first to Apanda that I don't want to hear any of that shit that 'no one could ever love you', I don't wanna hear it, okay? Cuz that's just bullshit, you don't know how much you mean to people. You gotta get it through your head that you aren't a total failure and that people LOVE you, realy really LOVE you. Forgive me if I sound mean, but I just need you to know how serious I am. You are such an amazing person and you don't even know it. I'll talk to you Friday Apanda, and you're gonna get one giant lung-crushing hug, got it? Okay, now onto my rant. Nat. Ahhh, yes, a familiar name. At least familiar to Apanda, and possibly October if she remembers. And Justine? I'm not sure, I think so. Britty, I don't think you will know anything about him. Anyway, I'm going to start from the beginning with him because it's all very hard to explain. So Nat is my friend Nicki's little brother. He's a year younger than me. I met him my freshman year when he was in 8th grade when I went over to Nicki's to hang. The first time I laid eyes on him, he took my breath away. He is not your average guy. *shakes head* Now he's a Junoir and I'm a Senoir and he's a relatively good friend of mine, but he's more than that too. Confused? Me too. So I think it started... uhhhh, beginning of last year. Nat and I had lunch at the same time, and we both hung out in the band room instead of the Cafeteria. What I believe spurred the whole thing on was that he had had a really hard day and his back was killing him, so I gave him a back massage. Curse my pity on hurting people. Then it became sorta this pay each other back thing...? I don't know, like, I gave him a back massage, so he gave me one the next day, and then it was a backscratch... and it sorta stumbled on from there. We're both very physical people so some things just felt right... ish? GAH! This is so hard to explain. It was (and is) never anything like "OMG I WANT you" or " I wanna get in your pants" or nasty, it was (and is) always, "hey, it feels good when we do this, so we might as well", if that makes any sense. And don't jump to conclusions here! We've never like, kissed or done REALLY dirty stuff, you know? Like here, example: He'd be sitting in a chair and he'd pull me unto his lap and give me a hand massage while I touched his leg... or er... see! This is hard! It's so confusing to explain, but the point is Nat and I would do this stuff and no one knew about it. For some reason it was just instinct not to tell. Like people wouldn't get it, they'd think we liked each other and shit, but it wasn't really that. At least not on his end. And every time Nat would get a girlfriend, we'd both stop, you know? Because he's with someone, and he's not gonna cheat on them. But then as soon as he'd break up with the girl, he'd be back to me with a vengence, like he was deprived of a real touch for the longest time. Well, it sorta died off towards the end of the year because we didn't have lunch together anymore. And then I didn't see him the entire summer. But just last Saturday I was over at Nicki's house for a party with all of our friends and Nat was there, cuz even though he's younger, he's still like one of us. And as soon as he saw me, he like tackled me like I was his savoir or something, and pulled me onto his lap just like old times. EXCEPT, this was in front of our friends. All of them. Not that I really minded, but at least I knew his intentions when we kept it secret. I knew that he was just using me, and I was just using him, and we were both okay with that. But now in front of all our friends?! I could feel the eyes burning into the back of my head. Especially from Nicki. Not that I give a shit what people think of me, but when they ask, I won't have an answer. What is he thinking now? What are his intentions now? I heard him say once that he would never date someone older than him, so what is he doing? And quite frankly, he gets off scott free in this. I look like a slut, and he looks like an angel. *throws hands up* SO! That's what's going on, and that's what is confusing me, and if he acts like that at the football game this Friday, in front of the entire school, then I'm going to be SUPER confused, and I might just talk to him about it. But if he just acts like we're old friends, then, hell, I don't know what to think about that either. Well, I'm out of time, so there's my rant, judge me if you wish. I love you all, thanks for listening. Sorry yet again to Britty for not getting to your PM, and sorry to October for not commenting on your post yet. I won't be on again until Saturday, and then I won't have much time, so I might not really be on till next Monday. I'll see Apanda Friday, and I pray, Justine as well. We'll just have to see what Nat does. Should be interesting, ne? Okay, ato!

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