Thursday, November 20, 2008

War.

Sorry, I haven't posted in a while, I haven't had a long enough break at work. Oh well. Haha, October, I call my friend 'Apanda' mostly because I have two friends named 'Amanda' (which is her real name) and it confuses me online to use the name.... erm, like, I feel like I have to distinguish between them, ya know? And cuz she likes pandas, so it fits. Ha, it's cute. And I'm sorry I haven't texted you yet, I'm just starting to realize how expensive it is to constantly be using my phone like I did the first couple days I had it, and I don't want to run out of minutes (it's a prepaid service) and then have to explain to my mom who I've been talking to so much. I've pretty much just quit using it so I'm not tempted. But soon enough I'll have moved out, and you better believe you're the first one I'll text! I inspired you again?! *gets excited* Ooo, I wanna see! You're so good at poetry! I was just thinking the other day how much I want to write you another poem, but I haven't been able to write anything in such a long time, because my mom took my notebooks away. My fingers are itching to write. I will take care of myself, and I know everything will be okay. It's just the waiting for things to get better that is the hardest. Haha, a lapdance sounds great, I might just take you up on that. ^_^ Thanks for being here for me, you are so amazing. I love you always and forever, and don't you ever forget it! Apanda, I used to have the same opinion as you, but then I realized how important it is to have at least a few moments of happiness every once in a while. So with happiness, I have the same policy as I do with love. Better to have loved and lost... I really miss you, and you sound like you're not doing very well, so we have to see each other soon. I could use a good Apanda hug for sure. But I think we'll have to wait till after Thanksgiving, my mom's got me running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Damn. I LOVE you Apanda, no matter what you believe. *sticks out tongue* Justine! Whoa, totally sucky sex dream. I'm sorry, that blows. :( But yeah, my depression is just gonna stick around for a bit until I leave my house. So, that'll get rid of it. *nods* But, when I'm out, I'll definately be happy enough to make you smile again, and then we'll get to work on getting you out of your depression! Yay! *smiles in a sad way* I wish I had more chances to see you. I really miss you. I hope you're floating along, like me, and that you're surviving. We have to see each other soon too. Thanks for all your comments my pretties. Your encouragement is the only thing that has made me smile for real all day. I'm depressed because my mom is SLOWLY starting to realize that I'm slipping out of her control. I'll be 18 on Thanksgiving. I won't be done with school, but I'm real close, I'll probably be done around Chrsitmas. Then, after I get mom to put together my transcript and print out a diploma, I'm outa here. I don't think she quite knows that yet, but she might, in the back of her mind, and she doesn't want to admit it yet. As a result, she's been evem more super controlling, and judgemental, and you know, like she even admits to 'plotting' against me. Like, she told me flat out that she doesn't want me to go to Japan, so there's no way she's gonna help me plan a trip (not that I wanted her help anyway, I was just shocked that she'd admit to trying to stop me from going) and I'm not 'allowed' to sign up for the Study Abroad at Haper College. Yeah, okay mom, right, like you have any real say in it anyway. And Yesterday she and I were helping her friend Susie clean her house, and Susie was talking about how she might rent out her basement to a college kid soon, so she could get a little cash. And mom looks at me and goes, "But not to you, 'insert my real name here'." And Susie's all like, "Why not?" And mom just turns on Susie like she cursed God or something and spits at her, "Because she's going to live at home with her family, so stop putting ideas in her head!" She fucking screamed at her best friend! What the hell!?! And Susie din't do anything wrong! She didn't even offer me the basement! She just asked a fucking question! She wasn't 'putting ideas in my head'! Hell, I've considered living with Susie for ages! But she never said anything about it! Lords, mom's just going psycho controlling. Whatever. I don't even care anymore. In fact, I'm glad she's being psycho, it'll make it easier for me to leave. Then I won't have any guilt. So, that's why I'm slipping back into depression. I have to spend every waking moment with that woman, except when I'm at work. Who ever thought work would be a Godsend? Right, so that's what's going on with me. Here's some lyrics before I go: For Apanda: Bonus Mosh Pt. 2 By: Taking Back Sunday So, scream I heard about your message, And how it reeked of your indifference, It bleeds horizontal straight from your wrist. (So scream louder now) I'm bound to come around about (Bound to come around) But can’t you, can’t you feel it rolling off your lips, Tensing up your shoulders, C’mon say it is... [Chorus] Well, it's love (It's love) Make it hurt (I deserve it) Well, it's love (It's love) Make it hurt (I deserve it) Well, it’s love, it’s love, it’s love... Make it hurt. I said I use the inconsistencies To undress the machine, You're the poster boy, their selling point, the focus for their new campaign. (Something has to be done) I'm bound to come around about (Bound to come around) Oh, but can’t you, can’t you feel it rolling off your lips, Tensing up your shoulders, c’mon... [Chorus] The keys to the castle (Are right where I left them) The princess walked in just to take more attention, 'Cause after all, well isn't that all that I've been after and, After all, well isn't that all that I'm after, You're so... (No way out) I'll give up in you, I'll give up in you, (No way out) I'll give up in you. (No way out) I'll give up in you, I'll give up in you, (No way out) I'll give up in you. I wanted you for nothing more, Than hating you for what you were, If that's what you wanted to hear, (Well, if that's what you wanted to hear) I wanted you for nothing more, Than hating you for what you were, (Don't leave, leave) If that's what you wanted to hear, (If that's what you wanted to hear) I wanted you for nothing more, Than hating you for what you were, (Don't leave, leave) If that's what you wanted to hear, (If that's what you wanted to hear) (It's love, it's love) I wanted you for nothing more, (Make it hurt, I deserve it) Than hating you for what you were, (If that's what you wanted to hear) That's what you wanted to hear, (To hear) If that's what you wanted to hear. (If that is how you'll let it burn) For Justine: Misery Loves Its Company By: Red Jumpsuit Aparatus Listen close as we wait for a sound to go It's true, we are we are destined to fail It's true, we are we are destined to fail There is a problem here with our society The absence of my tears is my sobriety I have a growing fear and you're not helping me Am I the only one who realizes it's true? Beat but I'm not broken Guide me through with your hand Lead with your words spoken Show me how to listen You're persecuting me, showing hypocrisy I have a remedy for your insecurity It's all the same, sadly, nobody works for free Am I the only one who realizes it's true Beat but I'm not broken Guide me through with your hand Lead with your words spoken Show me how to listen Let your light shine through me Take this hate I can't release Help me make the blind see Misery loves its company When I dream, I see dawn turn into dusk, into dusk Beat but I'm not broken Guide me through with your hand Lead with your words spoken Show me how to listen Let your light shine through me Take this hate I can't release Help me make the blind see Misery loves its company It's true, we are we are destined to fail It's true, we are we are destined to fail For October: Come Away With Me By: Norah Jones (though my cousin sings it much better than Norah) Come away with me in the night Come away with me And I will write you a song Come away with me on a bus Come away where they can't tempt us With their lies I want to walk with you On a cloudy day In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high So won't you try to come Come away with me and we'll kiss On a mountaintop Come away with me And I'll never stop loving you And I want to wake up with the rain Falling on a tin roof While I'm safe there in your arms So all I ask is for you To come away with me in the night Come away with me And one for Me: There's a War Going On for Your Mind By: The Flobots Media mavens mount surgical strikes from trapper keeper collages and online magazine racks Cover girl cutouts throw up pop-up ads Infecting victims with silicone shrapnel Worldwide passenger pigeons deploy paratroopers Now it's raining pornography Lovers take shelter Post-production debutantes pursue you in Nascar chariots They construct ransom letters from biblical passages and bleed mascara into the holy water supplies There's a war going on for your mind Industry insiders slang test tube babies to corporate crack heads They flash logos and blast ghettos Their embroidered neckties say "Stop Stitching" Conscious rappers and whistle blowers get stitches made of acupuncture needles and marionette strings There is a war going on for your mind Professional wrestlers and vice presidents want you to believe them The desert sky is their blue screen They superimpose explosions They shout at you "Pay no attention to the men behind the barbed curtain Nor the craters beneath the draped flags Those hoods are there for your protection And meteors these days are the size of corpses" There's a war going on for your mind We are the insurgents That's all for today. You all rock my socks. Ato my pretties, until tomorrow maybe, or Monday.

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