Thursday, December 14, 2006

   today's events
well today wasn't so bad!!! it was actually ok!!! I went to work w/ my mom again!!! I'm her driver!!! (I push her in her wheel chair back and forth) it's all good though...
well this guy matt he's pretty cool and real funny also!!! well they had a meeting for 2 to 3 hours which I wasn't allowed in so I hung out arround the restrant and chit chatted w/ some of the ladies but gave up cuz they were to peppy/happy going for me... so I got something to eat and hung out in the back... well then I helped move equipment for the line tables and then got my tan pans dirty and their my $35 and practicely my only nice pants I ever and will ever have... and my brother picked us up, I sat in the back and then we all hung out and then I just kicked back and played a game cube game in my room!!! skies of arcadia... it's cool and I like/love it!!!
then I helped my sis out and then helped my other one later on taking her children to her house... and now it's about 11pm almost midnight and I don't think I'll be able to sleep!!!
man, oh, man is my life boring and I just feel like I'm lost and just... It's just weird to be back and I just have to get accustom to living here again I guess... but other then that I'm still be but maybe I'm more then I was... like a piece of me was left behind and a good/more better piece was brought back with me... but I simply think it's my mother who is giving me strenght to carry on and move forward and all my friends here on myO!!! you have me hope when I no longer had any and I'm very greatful for that!!! I just hope I don't fall back on harsher and more tougher times for me and just keep moving forward and looking ahead to what's to come!!! I probably sound all wacked out and not myself to you all and I probably ain't but for now let's just pretend it's really me and I'm happy just being me for a little bit, JUST, a little bit longer...

well guys sleep tight and I hope you all have great/super wonderful dreams tonight!!! well nite and take care while traveling deeply into your dreams tonight!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz - __ - ZZZZZZzzz

NITE!!!!....

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

woohoo I'm back and I'm home!!!!!!!!!!
hey.... EVERYONE and to all that have been through my pitiful and remarkable struggle to try to get on and still be in contact with you all!!!! I'm sooooooo, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo, SOOooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! and truly I am SORRY!!! for not being able to and for putting you all in worry mode and for missing me or not!!!! well I'm back, back to my home and life before I left and I'm here to stay!!! :)
I just hope all my long ago friends will be here to STILL... welcome me with open arms, smiles, and what's being going on with you all info!!! I've so terribly missed you all!!! and that;s no joke either!!! *serious look on face mixed in with a sad look from simply just missing you* and to top it all off I'm sick(got it from my sister when I got home) and not to sadly sad my mom's sick and I didn't find out till sunday that she was in the hospital (she had been in their since friday and they tell me two days later) she had a stroke... I'm taking care of her and so is everyone else but I'm mainly b/c everyone else has to go to work school or what-not so that leaves me and mom to reconnect and for me to take care of her!!! I happy tobe here, not under the curcumstances of my mother being sick but for just being home and with them all with happy faces and not tears or finacal burdens of a funeral or burual of my mother to plan... I'm so glad it's not than... I thank GOD!!! that it wasn't b/c then I would have felt so bad that I left and didn't say good bye when or if she did pass on but thank god she did and I'm just happy that I still have time and a chance/more time with her!!!well guys it's either 10 or 11pm and I'm tired I hope to pm, post, comment, or just chat with you all tomorrow or the next!!! are computers really, really slowso it take forever just to log on to the computer and internet so I'll try to get on when I can!!! I hope to hear from you all soon!!!

Kai-chan/deceiver, insesskomilover, DD, Scrap, sessy, SHISHOU, vestque, and broken wings

sleep tight and keep the nightmares and demons at bay tonight!!! ZZZZzzzzz...
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Tuesday, July 4, 2006

   memories consume are minds and casts a dark cloak over are lights...
Yeah guys!!! HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!! that's the happy news....... now here's the bad/sad news!!! I'm leaving for SURE!!! this firday!!! my mom bought the ticket on-line last night so it's official!!! I still haven't packed yet and I'm stuck on missing all you guys!!! well lets get to happy things in my post today!!! LIKE...THE.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, AND BE HAPPY...

and I finished my second chapter of my story!!! and it's really good... maybe to me!!! but here it is and I'm so sorry it took me so long to write it I really like the way it turned out too!!!enjoy and don't be so harsh in telling me how and what you think about it!!! I'll see ya at the end!!! bye..... and I don't have a title!!! sorry...



As night faded and the orange blood stained moon fell below the tree's and the beautiful green mountain... She gazed out there and wondered if what all happened was all a dream or reality... she still couldn't believe it, what had all happened, the scenario of that night kept replaying in her mind... the blood and the cold stiff body lying dead on the ground... her running with that strange man... and the mysterious stranger that helped her flee and hind from the... well lets just call them wolf people... she tried to push all that had happened, more that and any other thing out of her mind...the wind still blew and the temperatures were dropping...
Her I'm freezing!!! [rubs shoulders with her hands and then rubs hands together while blowing her warm hot breath on them]
Her Why is it so cold?!?
Her mind ached and she had a terrible head ache!!! images kept flashing in her mind but she didn't know who they were or what it meant... people screaming, calling for help... yelling for someone to help them and for loved ones to run... fire and flames in golfed houses and burned people alive... the cries and screams they gave off where overbearing and THEY JUST WOULDN'T STOP...
she put her hands on her head and tried to push the screams, cries, and images away while rocking back and forth...
Owen Are you Okay?!? what's wrong?!?
she froze and slowly dropped her hands and looked at him... his eyes were caring and filled with mystery and wonder... along with a sadness far off in them...
Owen did you hear me?!?
she snapped out of it and shook her head a bit...
Her I'm fine... I'm just not feeling quite well that's all...
he looked at her suspicious and wondered what she was hiding...
Owen Are you sure?!?
Her Yeah, I'm fine... don't worry about me... I'm just feeling under the weather right now... not to mention I'm freezing cold...
she looked away... away from his eyes... that were pleading for answers and filling with doubt and worry...
Owen well let me get you down from their and we'll can get going... By the way what's your name?!?
Her aren't you going to tell me yours first!!!
Owen Oh, I get it... alright I suppose I can go first...
he looks at her more suspiciously... and wonders why she asked him to go first... He paused for a moment before saying his name...
Owen... I'm Owen... [he reaches out his hand when he says it]
she looks down and then back at him...
Her ...... [she opens her mouth to say her name and... she can't even remember ever having a name]
the look on her face gave Owen doubt and thought at she was stalling in giving him her name... like as if she had trouble with the law or cops and didn't wasn't him to turn her in... then Owen looks at her once more and then remembers what Aaron said...We heard their were two lost humans in the forest and stared tracking them and then we found out it was a female and an older male... but we had smelled a faint scent of blood... we just assumed it was her that was injured and we thought it might be coming from her... and that she was injured in some type of way and... he looked back at her and she was confused and concentrating really hard...
Owen You don't remember do you?!?
Her What's wrong with me?!? I have a name... everyone does!!! why can't I JUST remember it?!?
Owen What do you remember last?!? I mean what's the last thing you remember?!?
Her Running in the woods with some guy and then meeting you...
Owen Thats it?!? are you sure!!!
Her Yeah... I've been thinking, wondering, remembering and asking myself if what just happened was real and I keep having these images pop into my head!!!
Owen Images of what?!?
Her It doesn't matter and I don't really trust you at the moment... SORRY, but It's the truth!!!
their was a look of disappointment in his eyes and then her stretched out his hands to grab her to help her down...
Owen Come on... we have to move... and find a place to stay out of reach and smelling distance of...
He looked at her... her eyes gave off an Ora of mixed intentions and meanings... and wonder as if he was implying something else...
OwenI'm NOT, going to hurt you... I promise!!! you can trust me!!!
Her I trust you... I'm just sort of suspicious of your motives and I'm cautious of how you think...
Owen What are you implying here?!?
Her I'm saying I'm here alone and a woma...
Owen I would NEVER... never take advantage of you!!!
His eyes flared up with anger and disappointment of her accusing him of something like that... he looked away and dropped his hands suddenly... he faced her but his head was dropped and he faced the ground...
Her ...I...I...
Her I'm sorry... I didn't mean to...
Owen You made yourself perfectly clear that I'm like them... savages with only one thing in mind... to take a woman to ravage, have fun with, and then dispose of her when I'm done...
Her I... I...
Owen You what!!! your sorry and didn't mean for it to come out that way!!! what!!! tell me!!!
Her What am I suppose to think OWEN... after what all happened and you wanting to help me... I don't get it!!! WHY, why would you do something stupid and dangerous in simply helping me!!! I'm not even your kind!!! WHY?!? Tell me...
Her What do you see in me that's worth saving and risking yourself to help!!! I'm a nobody who can't even remember her own name!!! I'm not worth the aggravation and risk in helping!!! Just leave me be and go on your own way!!! I'm nothing to you but a killing machine that kills your kind!!! so leave me and go!!! GO!!!!!!!!
He looked at her... he just looked at her and wondered why she felt that way and no matter what she said he couldn't, he couldn't just leave her...
Owen Why do you say such things like that?!? you matter, your alive and living aren't you?!? and never mind that I might be risking something!!! it's mine to risk not yours!!! so if I want to risk it all in saving you then you better try your ASS off in making sure you survive this ordeal!!!
he's eyes glowed as he yelled at her and they were beautiful!!! she was staring at them the whole time... A beautiful lavender-purple with a hint of dark green in them...
she looked away and bam like if a rock hit her in the head... A memory came to her in a loving womans voice and of a small young girl... [Sweetie, why are you crying?!? you risk so much for me momma and you never let that stop or prevent that reason from stopping you... Why momma, what makes me so important to risk you life in making sure we have food, clothes, and a roof over are heads!!! it's not worth it momma!!! I'm not worth it!!! Hush, hush now sweetie... you know it's only you and me now sweet heart and we have to make it through and survive!!! For your poppa and little brother's sake!!! But why, momma?!? They risked their lives too... and there dead now, because of us, because we couldn't save them and live a normal life without hardship and labor!!! It's not fare... *sobs and weeps* It's not fare... I know sweet heart but we owe it to both of them to try and make it throughout the tough times... there'll always be hardship for us sweet heart but we have to look at it as a blessing that hope and salvation will soon be on it's way to us!!! you'll see sweetie, you'll see!!! *the voices drift away from her*] Tears swiftly fall from her eyes and cheek as they land on Owen's outstretched hand... she places her hands over her eyes and weep for them... the mother and the young girl sitting alone in a alleyway full of rotten food and broken shattered glass on the ground beside them... their only shelter from the rain above them was a huge wooden box that they barely fitted it...
she didn't hear Owen climb up the tree and sit next to her... her slowly pulled her hands away from her hidden face and began wiping the tears away...
Owen I'm sorry!!! I didn't mean to make you cry...
he noticed her eyes color just then... and just stared at them... they were a blueish green... he looked in the depth of them trying to look of answers but fond only pain and sadness within them... she looked away and closed her eyes shut...
Owen Why are you hiding from me?!? both your eyes and your emotions?!?
Her Because their mine to hold... my burden and pain to keep!!!
He slowly began turning her face towards his...
Owen Their NOT meant to hurt you... and cause so much pain, anguish, and sorrow!!!
Her How do you know?!? how do you know that their not suppose to cause that?!? huh?!? You don't even know how or what I feel!!! you just sense pain and sorrow... and you think you can wipe it away!!! You don't feel it, my pain... it'll still be their no matter who many tears you wipe away!!! it'll never leave me or go away... It's my burden and feeling to bare... and I'll face it with open arms!!!
she stared to climb down and he stopped her by grabbing her arm!!!
Owen Do you think it'll go away!!! do you honestly think you can fight and believe the pain will fade!!!
Her Why do you care?!?
Owen It won't you know!!! the pain... it'll eat at you and eat at you till you want to escape that feeling and run or end it... end it by taking that last and final plunge and your at the end of your ropes...
Her What are you saying?!?
Owen Kill... or commit suicide as a last act of trying to escape the pain...
she pried her arm free and got down...she turned her back to him and that's when he saw the blood... he froze inside and rushed down in a jump to see the gash on the back of her head...
HerOUCH!!! what are you doing?!?
Owen Your bleeding and I'm checking out the wound to see if it'll need stitches or just a bandage on it!!!
Her What wound?!?
he touched her gash and images and memories rushed into her mind... it was to much for her to take and she fell to her knees applying pressure to her forehead with her hand... all the while her head pulsed and throbbed made her move her head side to side and back and forth...
Owen What's wrong?!? what's the matter?!?
the only answer or sound her got from her was inhaling and exhaling heavily with sharp and quick breathing...
she reached out with her other hand and he grabbed it...
Owen Talk to me!!! say something!!! COME ON...
Her No mommy, no... their coming!!! I'll distract them... don't leave me!!!
she started weeping... and calling out for her mother... Owen without thinking knelled beside her grabbed her and held her in his arms calling out to her to come back... she started shacking rapidly and violently... like something was scaring her to death... he shook her and tried his best to get her back but she just kept on talking to herself, shacking, and grabbing at her head as if something was eating the insides of it and she couldn't get it out... she didn't want to do this but he slapped her... twice in the face and everything stopped... the shacking, talking, and the weeping sounds... her hand fell but her eyes were closed... tears rapidly fell from her eyes and cheek... they fell to the ground with a thump... he knelled their in shock and stared at her... she got up, her eyes still closed and walked a few spaces and screamed!!!
HerWHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she fell once more to the ground but got in the fetal position and cried... she held herself and cried!!!
Owen got up picked her up and carried her away!!! she still held her eyes shut and her face stung from where he had hit her twice... he didn't touch her other then carry her... she cradled herself into his arms and weeped on his shirt... she brushed her face against his t-shirt she opened her eyes and said two word to him before she drifted asleep...
Her Thank you...
he looked upon her face with tear strikes on her cheek and felt a pull at his heart... he had smacked her, yelled at her and her reply was thank you!!! and she now finally trusted him, felt safe with him and took comfort from him... and he wanted to wipe all her tears away and shield her from every pain and feeling she would ever feel again... Owen then realized as he gazed at her... he was falling in love with her and he looked away... and he hated himself for that, but he knew in his heart that he couldn't love her and give her a life of love... he was a lone wolf who could never love and be loved for what he truly was and is inside... a monster awakened by the call of the moon... a man shadowed inside and loved only by the light of the forsaken moon......... and he too, would be forsaken... to all who came across him and ever known him...



End of chapter two


so what did you think?!? it could have been better huh?!? :)
well I got to go if I don't visit your sites today blame my sis b/c she's trying to fix her e-cards she's sending to her friends and believe me!!! she has a LOT!!!!!!!!!!

I love you guys!!!

and try to be safe okay!!! no blowing off your hands and arms firing fireworks!!! lol... *I hope I don't* I'll be sitting alone in the dark watching the fireworks from the driveway sitting on the tail-gate of a truck... oh, the schools a mile from my house and every year they shoot of fireworks!!! and lately, I know this might sound strange but I've been seeing things outside in the dark... little things and sounds!!! and once I seen something flash by... g2g cya...

L8ter......
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Thursday, June 29, 2006

   how far as the apple fallen and hit the ground below...
*groans loudly and for a long time* OMFG!!!! XO stupid family confusing me and driving me crazy!!!! :quizzical: *exhales* now it seems like I'm leaving next friday!!! god if they keep on changing it like this I might just kill myself and save them the trouble of ever deciding what week on friday to send me on!!! just kiddin guys... I wouldn't kill myself... well my families so messed up at the moment that if a hugh rock came down and crushed me next to them thet'd probably never notice, turn the other cheek, or laugh b/c they think it was funny or some kind of joke!!!
for those few who red my post about me Having all the FULLMETAL ALCHMIST episodes and how much I LOVE THAT SHOW and me finally getting to watch them all... don't feel sad for me!!! I can't watch them all!!! well me and my sis only got up to episode 14 and I already seen most of them up to that but my sis didn't!!! so then she has to leave and go to one of my other sisters in phx to visit and what-not... so I promised her I wouldn't watch them without her!!! I know, I know, I'm the best!!! but since my mom and such are driving me crazy about me going to Idaho me and my sis might not be able to watch them together!!!

My question for you guys!!! I need help!!!
So tell me what should I do?!? b/c I want to wait for her and watch them with her but I wanna be able to watch them too!!! so do you guys think I should wait or watch them?!? and I don't know if I'm leaving this week on friday or next week but I think it's next week!!! I hope it is TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!!! so I can talk more to you guys!!!

and don't as me about the title to this post!!! b/c I don't know why I wrote it... lol... I think I'm loony!!! *laughs and wonders if I am loony, crazy or just simply insane* *puts hand questionible on chin* ummmm... *Nah!!!!!!! and shakes head*

well this morning I was getting some ceral *A.K.A ceral killer, BECAUSE I KILL CERAL!!!* hahahahah... well I thought it was funny!!! well, when I looked in the box I saw ants already eating my ceral!!! *damn ants, I guess I have to kill you guys too for trespassing, just Like I killed your parents for trespassing in my room!!! evil laugh...* and I got battle wounds during that battle, but we all know who won the WAR!!! MEEE-E-EEEEE... *poor little guys* I'll let you guys live... *looks on TV and see a news report!!! [an elderly woman died today gardening in her garden... the cause was arare allergic reation to the ants that bit her that affternoon... her husband helped her in the house and later in the morning she dead... it wsa from a ant bit] and this is a true story guys!!! I say it on the news!!! *looks at ants and new report and sprys quickly and repeatedly saying... Die, die, die, you... you evil ants!!!* *runs yelling a screaming... back, back, don't bit me or I'll make sure you'll die before I do* what I wrote... everythings is true!!! even the elderly woman who died!!! I felt sorry for her, and sad too...

well guys my niece is here and my dad is also so I better get off... cya, l8ter and have a good/spledid/awesome/Kewl/thrilling/one hell of a day!!!

peace and nothing but love for you all... L8ter...

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

the end in near... and so is my farwell...
hey guys I found go that I'm leaving for sure this friday and... well I'll miss you all so much that it's going to hurt me for awhile to JUST remember you guys!!! b/c I can't write or email you all!!! I have to get off now and I'm probably in DEEP SHIT as of the moment!!!


L8ter... don't worry about me I can.. well most of the time handle it!!! *looks and flinches in fear* See ya...
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Monday, June 26, 2006

   Yeah, guys!!! I haven't seen you guys in a while!!! I'm not leaving yet...
well I'm SOOOOOOOooooooo, SORRY!!! I haven't posted in three days but I had things and problems to try to work out and a hugh storm passed bye yesterday and I was literally covered in dust when I was outside trying to close the two truck windows and I got wet so I was even more dirtier then before the dust blew harder!!! well saturday I fixed the program on are computer so that... well my sis's friend gave her ALL THE FMA EPISODES!!! *jumps up and down and can't stop* but for almost a month we just staired at the two disks b/c the computer program kept telling us we couldn't play in on the computer!!! very frustrating!!! even more b/c I love FMA and I haven't seen all the episodes!!!!!!!!!!!! well then friday I tryed some stuff, this and that and I had to download this progam so we coyuld watch it but it was going to take 2 housr!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo I can't wait that long!!! especailly how late it was and my mom coming home soon!!! [were not allowed on the computer for hours and I was] well I remembered but it was more like wrote down the site and then on saturday I downloaded it and then me and my sis had a all out FMA DAY HELL YEAH!!!!! I was so happy!!! but we only got to episoad 14 and most of them I already seen!!! we stopped there and we havent took up on it since!!!she's leaving to go to are sis in phx and I promised I wouldn't watch till she came back!!! and I told her that before she even asked me too not watch them without her!!! (aint I the best!!!) well and just a lot of stuff happened and I just couldn't get on and tell you all about it!!! I'M SOOOOOOOoooooooooo, SORRY ABOUT THAT!!! well tomorrow I'll have to comment on your previous posts since my moms coming home soon!!! I'm sorry!!!!!!! *sad look on face and feels bad b/c I know you all had things happen to you that ARE important and I must simply know about* lol.... I do want to know but I'm not crazy!!! like stalker crazy!!! lol..... well I got to go!!! my mom yesterday freaked out on me and yelled at me b/c lately she's making me feel like this trip to Idaho... well it's all on me and I need advice and help but she's like yel;ling at me and saying WHAT DO YOU WANT!!! I'm not forcing you to go so... it's so much pressure she's making me feel and like if I go that she's hate me and never talk to me again!!! sh'a making me feel that way!!! well I started packing and she freaked and yelled at me!!! saying your not leaving tomorrow and such!!! but hell the way she was making me feel was like do it on your own and shit!!!! we're just... I don't know out of it I guess but my sis made my laugh by saying she's going through medapause!!!lol.... well I got to go!!! things a such just won't let me live a notmal life!!! but what is normal!!! and how do we now it is when we had it?!?

L8ter... lifes an open book, so write your own path and make it a good one, not a horrifingly bad one with violance...
Bye
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Friday, June 23, 2006

   I'm lost to the things that I will soon have to lose...
Hey guys!!! I'm sorry I haven't posted yesterday I Just don't feel like posting anymore!!! since I probably wont be on pretty soon!!! and I keep on thinking about how much I'm gonna miss you guys!!! it's kinda breaking my heart!!! and I feels stupid at saying that but it is breaking my heart at how much I'm gonna miss you and how much you guys mean to me!!!

I got to go........ bye!!!
I'm not sure when I'm leaving yet!!! but when I do I'll post it and say my good byes to you all!!! today I fought a war with some ants!!! they bit me!!! *ouch, ohhh wise guys eh* (sprys with -to kill an ant-) *hahahahah, take that and that!!! you rule the day you messed with this big person* *evil laugh* you may have won the battle but you lost and I won the war!!! *I look at tiny bits on hand and scratches them then slowly I look at thousands of dead bodies!!!* ahhhhhh, you poor things never had a chance!!! *sad look on face*

yesterday I fought with my sister and then fought with my mother then later on I fought with my mom and she threatened me with (just say something and I'll slap your fucking mouth) I didn't b/c I was babysitting my sis's kids and my other sis was in the room with me!!! oh well what can you do!!!

L8ter......... and you guys have a awesome/splended/thriller/kewl/breath taking/killer/great/off the seat and living... type of day!!!
Bye.......
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   I'm lost to the things that I will soon have to lose...
Hey guys!!! I'm sorry I haven't posted yesterday I Just don't feel like posting anymore!!! since I probably wont be on pretty soon!!! and I keep on thinking about how much I'm gonna miss you guys!!! it's kinda breaking my heart!!! and I feels stupod at saying that but it is breaking my heart at how mush I'm goona miss you and how much you guys mean to me!!!

I got to go........ bye!!!
I'm not sure when I'm leaving yet!!! but when I do I'll post it and say my good byes to you all!!! today I fought a war with some ants!!! they bit me!!! *ouch, ohhh wise guys eh* (sprys with -to kill an ant-) *hahahahah, take that and that!!! you rule the day you messed with this big person* *evil laugh* you may have won the battle but you I won the war!!! *looks a thousands of dead bodies!!! ahhhhhh, you poor things never had a chance!!! *sad look on face*

yeserday I fought with my sister and then fought with my mother then later on I fought with my mom and she threatened me with (just say something and I'll slap your fucking mouth) I didn't b/c I was babysitting my sis's kids and my other sis was in the room with me!!! oh well what can you do!!!

L8ter......... and you guys have a awesome/splended/thriller/kewl/breath taking/killer/great/off the seat and living type of day!!!
Bye.......
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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

farewell to a girl you might forget a girl named hollow eyes/Jean...
this is my second post today!!!!!!

I just found out I'm leaving next week and I won't be able to talk to any of you!!! b/c were i'm going their's no internet and I'm going to miss you all and the time I've spent on here talking to you!!! I going to cry at how much I'm going to miss all of you and to you new guys!!! I'll cry TOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!! b/c we've become friends and I'll miss you all and what you have to say today!!! not to menchen your stories and poems!!!!!!! *tears forming* I'll get on as much as I can before I leave and talk to you guys as much as I can!!! it's to idaho for me and with my sister I go!!! you'll all me in my mind and I'll be thinking about you all I PROMISE!!! and I'll be crying TOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!

Please don't forget me because I'll never forget you

I'll try to be happy before ai go!!! for you guys!!! I probably won't though... cuz I'm gonna miss you

I'll be seeing you guys around!!!
Bye/L8ter...... I promise!!!

jpg

*I hide my face to hide the tears*
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   a feeling that comes and goes when it so choose's to harm me..........
Hey guys!!! i feel kinda bad today and like the heavy piece of my past/otherside of me has returned!!! I'm just not good company right now!!! at the moment.... well I THANK YOU ALL, SOOOOOOOOooooooo much for commenting and being here for me when other would not!!! you have no idea how mush you guys mean to me!!! I'm lost though and sadden but grief and problems of my past and emotions that I haven't been able to write my story!!! and I'm SOOOOOOOOooooo sorry for that!!!I don't know what's come over me!!!!!! like I'm someone else and I hate myself and want to be in the dark alone away from everyone else!!! seeing through eyes clouded by hate, sorrow, pain, memories, things that won't JUST go away!!! bad times and sad times!!! I hate it all and that you guys can't really help me!!! I have to face it on my own someone once said to me!!! but I can't and I can't have people fighting it for me either!!!

How can you fight something that you are and what's inside you something that hides inside you and strikes with anger and hate a monster that you can't even see but feel and know that it's always their, their to harm you, their to hurt you, and their to strike fear into you a monster within you that you might be one day and might strike the pains you feel into others... others you love deeply and can't hurt EVER, EVER, EVER Never in your life!!! b/c you love them TOOOOOoooooooooo mush to see or make them feel as you do

I feel that way and fear I'll be that way someday!!! alone with only hate of the past and fear in me to make my cause pain to others!!! and that's mainly why I drive friends and others away from me!!! b/c I COULD, hurt them...

I g2g go right now!!! shit....
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