Friday, June 9, 2006

   L8ter on today!!!!
I still feel sad and stuff but I'm also a little happy!!! I started playing my play station2 Devil may cry 3 and it's funny and awesome!!! it's by far the best out of 5 games I bought but I still haven't played kindom hearts yet and I think that's gonna be really good!!!Dante is cute and manly!!! lol, I'm so funny!!!the graphics and just the way they put this game together in awesomw and we put a code in from (well we got it off the internet) and we got to see the animation of movments the charaters did in the game!!! the creators had stun ppl
re-enact the movments on a green screen and then the edited it and put it into the game characters moves!!! it was tight!!! really sweet!!! I told you my moods and feelings are all mixed and crazy!!! well g2g, I hope to hear from you L8ter!!!


Bye...
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   I Feel pain! why doesn't if just fade away, but stay!!!
ppl say caring for others well being and not for yours is well being a hypocrite, BUT does it!!! I care Soooo much for others and when it comes to me I feel, I feel pain and sometimes wake up with night-terrors but WHY, am I a hypocrite if I care about others then for myself?!?

I would give my life in order to save another from the pain and feelings I'm tortured with most of the day, I would sacrifice myself to save them in any way I could!!! I REALLY WOULD!!! I even cry for others and the pains they go through, b/c NO ONE ELSE WILL!!! and along the way I've sarcificed, helped, did all I could and I was hurting in the end!!! b/c most, I mean all of them left!!! and left me in the darkness and shadows of my hell whole to suffer and wait alone once again!!! and you know what!!! I would still do it again, even though it hurt me so much!!! b/c I helped them, even though it might have been a little, and the hurt me in the process, but I for the time we were together set their pain away and set them free!!! they were happy and even though they crushed me farther down in my black hole!!! I know I at least saved one soul from the dark side of fear!!! and my fear is growing, my nightmares are distroying me, and my heart is fading but I hope I still have a feeling of care, hope, of something when my heart reachies it's frozen point and closes me off from the world and I'm left alone!!! I only hope I have enough fight and spirit left to fight my demons like I help fight others of theirs!!!

even now as i'm writing this my heart aches and hurts!!! it feels like someones grabbed hold of my heart and is toying with it, making me and it break and make me remember the past and it's memories of pain and tears!!! they growing and I'm fadeing away, maybe one day I'll just disappear and no one will even care or know where to find the missing peices of my soul and put them back togthers along with my aching heart!!!

I gotta go, I'm on the brink on sheding tears or even crying at the momment!!! I hate doing that to, crying b/c it shows my weakness and others have uesed that against me and totally crushed me and put me into a pitch black box falling into the abyss of the sea!!! the sea is my heart and I believe it's getting black, cold, and frozen!!! even though I live in arizona (the hotties state that's like 112 today) i feel like i'm freezing cold lone and wishing for this nightmare to end!!!


and I hope deceiver's, does too!!! and all the other lost souls of depression survive they rain of sorrow and pain!






*HUGS* TOTAL!
give Holloweyes more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own


Thanks Insesskomilover, for pic for hugs!!!

L8ter... and sorry if it's so long for some!!!
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Thursday, June 8, 2006

   Feelings, why won't they ever go away!!!!!
I feel as if theirs a part of me missing, a piece of my soul that no longer wants to be me!!!! like theirs a heavy feeling of someone or some unknown object sitting on my heart and causing pain again!!! I hate to feel this way but I always do, like a family member that keeps putting you down but it's in side of me!!! and how can you fight something thats well, it's you, inside of you!!! most of the time I just hate living a lie this mask I hide behind to fake my true feelings but every where I go or who ever I meet it's always the same!!! No one cares, so why should I care about making myself happy or feeling it either way!!! no matter what, I will still feel low and the darkness that was clam will just creeps on back into my heart!!! just like the saying goes: why be happy when sadness and all dark and depressing of that sort, is just around the corner to crush you!!!

ppl say they have 2 sides of themselves, or two personalities!!! I have three!!!

My sides of personality
It's hard to explain my feelings and how I feel so I'll try the best I can!!!

1.)I feel empty inside and at times I feel nothing for myself and others in pain and Hate everything around me including myself!!!
I'm hollow... and it scares me!!!
2.)depression and sadness overtakes me and I'm faced with so much pain it's over bearing and I try to seek an escape from the dark place!!!
3.)and this is My caring and feeling side, I seek hope and a life of happyness for myself and others. I feel like an alien and i'm lost from what I feeling and how the world seems to think they know me!!!

And that's why I'm usually telling ppl I'm having a mixed emotion type of day, I don't know yet, or okay I guess!!! b/c most of the time I don't even know how I am or feel!!! b/c I'm in this single body with Lots of feelings that I donb't even know where they came from and others I just pled to go away but they don't!!!

I'm confusing and I hate myself, literally hate being me and sometimes want to take that plug in to darkness and slit my wrists and be done with life!!! I hate it and I ask god why am I here, but I feel as if to be punished for former life sins and travesties I commited and have done!!! but mostly I think it's from my younger experiances and wrong doing that's got me to bear this fate of JUST feeling to much pain that it's killing me little by little til it makes me... well what I did last month in the first week!!! deceiver you may not have known this but I slit my wrists about 17 to 18 times!!! I wanted to die and when I cut my wrist I felt nothing!!! I just kepted on cutting and cutting!!! but it would have been a Lot worse if the blade I used wasn't dull and not shape enough!!! it still cut but not really deep like how hard I was pushing it against my skin!!! I'm sorry, but I couldn't take life any more and I wanted out!!! no one was their for me and I was forced to leave the site and delete myself from it!!! It was other things that had happened that day that made me do it and even though it has healed, I'll have scars to remember that day as if it was only yesterday that I only cut myself!!!

I'm so sorry if I wrote to much, I just felt like getting that off my chest and even though I probably won't have a lot of comments... I at least got a peice of my frozen cold heart to melted melt away and some of the pain along with it!!! I got to go, g2g!!!

silly me depression is only for happy beautiful girls!!! so why am I depressed, let me think, b/c uglyness is just down my alley way and b/c I am ugly!!! so their for I am depressed :Hollow eyes my saying...


L8ter/see ya around, maybe!!!








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Wednesday, June 7, 2006

   Hello!!!!!!!!!
today's an alright type of day, but I wish I could be better!!! sorry so sort!!!






L8ter/see ya around!!!
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Monday, June 5, 2006

   Thanks, everyone!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks guys for commenting and helping me through this tough time, and i'm having a hard time in life and struggling to hold on to something maybe it's a dream I once had and now it's lost forever to me but once you have had may never be as it once was!!! someone once told me that and I believe it, you can't have something thats lost forever to you and think ONE day it'll come barging through the door to hold and charish you once more, just like in your dream!!! dreams are a shadows and false hopes, so why dream when all you do in life is feel and hate!!! why dream a life of love and happyness when all you do when you wake up is hate and cry and cry yourself to sleep?!? WHY? everyone I have ever loved or cared about has left me behind in this dark abyss and those few who haven' and are helping me hang on are their yelling hold on, hold on, and all I see is their moths moving and feel their worry and sorrow for me!!! but I can't reach them and life, fate, darkness, and shadow cases me away from them and into blackness, pain and emptyness!!! so then I give in so that I can find a way one day or sooner or later I'll see light and faces again!!! Thanks guys and right now I have to get off!!! other wise I'd write you guys in!!!

L8ter/bye/see ya soon.....

Why seek happyness when darkness and shadow are so close behind to strike at you!!!: by hollow eyes.........
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Saturday, June 3, 2006

   ahhhh, Sleep, is good!!!
I finally got sleep today, I sort of over slept!!! hahaha, Not funny... I woke up around 10am and I was so Glad I didn't have to babysit in the morning but to night I have too!!! *sad/unhappy look on face* well at least I got some sleep!!! but my sis lives right next to us so even though I don't babysit her kids in the morning I still see them and hear them throughout the day!!! she only brings them over to are house b/c it's cooler here and then they screaming yell and me and my other sis deals with her and the kids b/s (she baby's them and their really bad) and I have to then deal with that again tonight!!!
WHY!!! Why god are you doing this to me!!!
Oh, yeah! now I remember b/c the man up stairs "god" hates me!!! well so far I'm waiting for my sis to find a new babysitter and then after that I'm being shipped off to Idaho with my cool-er sister *Happy look but scared inside* to live/hangout with here or stay for the summer!!!
Oh, yeah did I menchion that HER computers Broken!!!
NOooo!!! Life sucks yet again!!! but I'll deal with it, well later I will!!!
I guess it really proves he actually hates me!!! *smurk on face* well at least I get to visit with my little neice and sis!!! *happy* well I have to go help a friend with her bg!!! I like helping ppl but usually they hurt me afterwards!!! True story and Pain is the whole story of my life!!!
Ouch! THAT HURT, but the truth always does!!!


L8ter/bye...........

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Friday, June 2, 2006

   At this moment, so far today!!!
Well since I only got three hours of sleep last night I feel shitty, tired, lazy, and to top it off, Other then babysitting last night!!! 6 to 2 in the morning I have to do it again But for a different sis/more like for My older bro though!!! and it's 6 in the morning till well 6 in the afternoon and then I have to Yet again, babysit 6 in the night til 2 in the morning!!! when will this NIGHTMARE ENDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

Maybe never

Can't I ever just have my own time of peace and relaxation!!! No!!! who said that!!! ummm, well I'm Soooo very tired and duty WELL is calling so L8ter/bye...

Somebody PLEASE, help me!!!

*Sad look on face* Bye/good nite, Well I wish I could go to SLEEP!!!

Will I dream!!!

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Thursday, June 1, 2006

   It's a bad, no GOOD DAY!!!
well one of my friends are helping me fix my site and well as you see now make it move and such!!!*jumps up and down*
well I hope I get more comments, and such so IF I'm doing something WRONG!!!
that's affending you or something so that I can fix it and NOT lose friends!!! well I wish I had more to wrie but I have to get off b/c of my sister! *sobs* she want's to use the phone well g2g L8ter!!!
I'll visit all your sites if you updated, Bye...
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

   Toooo-day!!!!!!!
well today isn't going that well and I feel like the world came down or a huge hand slapped me several gosh damn times!!! and when he/she was done they then verbally assaulted me to bring me down farther into the my dark abyss!!!

It seem ppl I care about have left me, either now, in other ways, and will leave me soon!!! and I blame myself for the way they will leave and have left me and the household already!!! I feel as that every little thing that went WRONG, in my life, well, It was my fault, my burden to take, my face they see and hate, I feel like nothing will ever be the same in my life and in my family b/c of me!!! and every little thing they ever did to me or things were nothing, I have no feelings so lets take everythings out on her!!! to make me feel pain!! and this feeling and pain is mine to bare forever... it's from lots of other things, ppl, my family, fights, others like me I feel their pain and it hurts that I can't help them!!!
and well for things I've done and what I am capable of doing!!! I fear myself and what I can really do! life, fate, destiny, the world and all within it are Against me... and maybe they should be! maybe all of this I feel and what's happening is a sign of so sort telling me to run, fight, or warn me that something I feel is wrong! I'm confused with myself! maybe i love the darkness more then feeling happy!?! I don't know well I got to go, L8ter! I hope I see you around maybe... Bye! oh yeah here are some quiz tests i did! enjoy...

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Your Anime Profession by akashayi
Your Name?
Profession:	Cat Girl
Skill level:	Utter Failure
Weapon of choice:	Poison
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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and here's this one

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Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender?	FemaleMaleUndecidedBoth
How will you commit suicide?	You will starve yourself to death
How many tries will it take?	14
When will you commit suicide?	April 20, 2006
What will your suicide note say?	"Mother, Father .. where did we go wrong?"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

   Sorrow and the feeling of lonelyness!!!
I don't know why I feel this way! and on occassions I sort of like it, feeling empty inside, lonely, depressed, whatever you want to call it, wallowing in self-pity, but really all I want is to be lone and figure or maybe not on hoe to fix this or keep it!!! but ppl who at like friends comeout of no where and all I'm hoping is that they don't hurt me in the end or back stabs me and leave me wondering, WHAT HAPPENED! or how did it happen, what went wrong! then you get the ppl who just LOVE making ppl miserable, hurt, sad, and feel like crying! I've seen the pain and felt the pain of others in different ways and other similar situations BUT in the end I'm always the one in pain sooner or later you always feel the pain and in always comes back no matter what!!! well I have sooooooo many pains and heartbreaks that I feel like an empty vessel of hollowness and only pain which in time comforts the pain and me... I'm alone NOW and ppl i once new have gone but in a way they will come back, MAYBE! or at least I'm hoping they will!!! the pains an escape goat and it fills me with hate, sadness, tears, anger, and sometimes something else, something i'm afriad to feel! and it's not love, well maybe somewhere in me does fear that but this feeling isn't that!!! and it tares me apart inside and out until I feel numb and isolated from everyone and I'm back in my dark, empty, two way mirror wall-box. but I'm the only one who can see through it, and I see memories that will never go away for me, that will always haunt me, their my nightmares within me, that'll forever stay inside me always tormenting me!!!

I gotta go, I hope i didn't confuse you in anyway! L8ter, and maybe I'll see you around, MAYBE!!!!!!
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