Saturday, December 15, 2007

...


Time: Late... 5:33pm

Mood: Frustrated, annoyed, angry, sad, depressed, and confused.

Quote: Every loner is alone... maybe it's in that way they choose to live. ~ It just popped out of my head, maybe oneday it'll be a real quote.




Feeble and weak... yet with a stubborn will to be left alone. I push, yet nothing's happening, I wonder why that is.

I'm so confuing, I confuse many around me how happen to even know me. Oy, I have problems... Maybe ppl should just stay away from me. I'm a loner at heart, who cares to fucking much... talk about someone who has big problems. if I didn't care, then I'd make the perfect loner, to bad huh?!? Oh well... *sighs heavily*

I hope you all are doing better, I'm hanging in there, so no worries! Sorry I haven't been on much and I haven't replied to Pm's... I'm just not... in the right frame of mind to help really... sorry!
My heart's not in it anymore, well... not at the current moment anyways, but I'm trying to recover! ^^

That's about it... Cya around!


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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

   Thoughts... confusing and rambling thoughts!
Why is it that my Quote's today... reflect exactly how I feel...


Quote: Crulty has a human heart, and jealousy a human face. -William Blake

Quote: What looks like an appealing offer may not be. -A fortune cookie's fortune


Love to be loved,
Hate to be hated.
Love not to be hated,
Hate not to be loved.




Hey guys, Thank you...
Mistoffelees, IchigoShirayuki and Legacyof
for commenting on my... BS-ing. and my sites not all that great, I'm just feeling in the mood for old things right now. and how it used to be and what-not. Regreats... aint they just... the damnedest BEST!


Thoughts

Things... why is it, things.... are always the downfall in everything.

feelings...

Objects...

Needs/Wants...

It's always I... never they... *sighs and thinks more*

Sorry... I'm just lost within my own rambling, thoughts.

How are you?

Then again...
I just don't understand how someone could ever want, someone like me... I'm nothing...
I guess my last relationship showed me that... that I'm nothing, just... not even worth his time... I guess... I just...
Why is it, that they take, what you never knew you actually gave them... till it's to late? and by that time, your alone with nothing... just an empty vessel of pain and tears.

Why is that? Why did we give them that... so much power over you, just so they could take it all away...

I'm broken, no one should ever want me, I'm not worth fixing! REmember that!

THE PUSHING BEGINS!!!
I'm sorry if I hurt you b/c of it, but... it's started now, and I have to finish it! if not... then what else am I suppose to do then... I'm lost... yet I have to find my way back...

DAMMIT... I HATE MEN!
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Monday, December 10, 2007

   Sick and tired!!!
((I stole your quotes Ruth... I hope you don't mind))


Quote: "In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can."
Nikos Kazantzakis

Quote: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
Leo F. Buscaglia

I'm tired of trying, yet I still do! why is it that I keep trying... I hate it, yet it's like a life only to see how ppl are, if they can change, if I can... a life that'll always end up in sadness and an empty pain stricken heart, for life worth... nothing really, to others and most imporatantly, to the one living it! a life that ends up, a suicidal one.

((I highly doubt it though))

But I'm still here and trying, I don't know why, but I am. ppl can sometimes surprize you, I just hope mine will come soon... for that's what I really need now, someone to surprize me.

sorry i haven't been on and around for you! I'm... going through somethings... I have to figure it out on my own, if I don't... well, what's the point in anything anymore then. But I'll be ok, so far... I'm just hanging in there for dear life.

*hugs you tightly* I'll be ok!

Vanessa
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Friday, November 23, 2007

   Pic's... YAY, you finally get to see what I look like, don't run in fear! lol
I just figured out... well I read some old letter and note from my high school friend Sam, and... gosh, I always gave everything I could for others, I still do... I just never give or try for myself, I don't understand why... But I-I... I'm lost as usually, lol... but I'll be ok!

on to other exciting things! ^^ here are some pic's!

Me and my sis, last year's photo of me in Idaho! I'm the chick in yellow... Oi... I'm ugly! that's when I had my nose pierced as well!I hope you like it chris and everyone one else! lol



and here are my former dog's

Thor, Minnie who is actually my mom's, and buster... both buster and Thor are deceased. and the mini pin... well she had puppies and I took one, I named him gage... lol don't laugh, and he was either stolen or killed as well. first Buster, Gage, and then Thor... every dog in my life leaves me... kinda makes you feel like never having a pet again.


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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

   Blah... B.S.

I'm worried and stress out as F*ck, lol well not really but yeah... last night my eyes was literally twitching... that was friging funny and strange, cuz i've never had that happen before... hmm... I CAn'T take it ANYMoRE! lol jk, I always can, I'm fine though... I'm happy with my love chris *smiles happily while pacing the house crazy like waiting for his phone call* ^^
I made a new playlist with great songs I've come to love and make me smile happily listening just to them... maybe it's b/c their Chris's and I'm falling helplessly in love with him!

other then the stress and so on... I'm doing ok, I'm worried about all of you though! badly!
How are you?


. . . . . . . . . . .*. . . . . . . ** *
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I took the test Lyndsey ^^

Whats your Goth name? Your Result: Dawn Everyone knows who u r and doesnt wanna mess with u. U have alot of friends but only really talk to a few of them. U wear black and ur hair is many colors. U like rock and metal. U have ur own way of looking at things and wear things the way u wanna wear them and u dont care wat ppl think
Jason
Slayer
Tibby
Raylyn
Anjelica
Whats your Goth name?

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

   Happiness, life and worries...


Time: 9:37am
Mood: hmm... trippy yet worried and mixed with so many thoughts i'm falling apart!
Listening to: My Heartstrings come undone, by Demon Hunter *sways and dances to it* I love it!!! I just go to your site all the time Chris, just to listen to it! ^^ I will wait for you, I will stay with you, decay with you! Infected by Demon hunter is, Great too and I LOVE FADING AWAY!!! I'm pretty much listening to My boyfriend's Playlist! It rocks! ^^ hehe, i might steal it! lol I love it! ^^
Quote: Her wishes were curses, and her love was lethal. ~Christina Dodd
I love this quote and it's from the current book I'm reading... Scent of Darkness I love it, but it's not a book I wold recommend to you, just for the fact it's not a kid book! lol
Reading: Scent of darkness by Christina Dodd LOVE, LOvE loVE! it's about a man who's family is cursed and ancesters made a deal with the devil, so they could change in to animals at will, to kill, hunt and destroy... it's very good!



Well alot has happened since I last pm'ed most of you or... well posted up anything worth reading. *smiles slightly while holding on to the point of exploding form excitment* I have a boyfriend, I meet him here, we were great friends who gradually grew on one another, then the warm flutterly feelings came and made things complicated cause of the situation... but lets no go into the past, it's hollow and sad for most! We were kick ass friends who wante more, and I called him for the first time on the 9th and... *sighs sadly* his granny passed away, my mom has the same thing he's granny had and... well we know what one anothers going through pretty much in that area. Him more so though, My timing sucks, but in the end we... *giggles* we kept getting eachother lost in conversantions and being totally nuts, lol. and he popped the question in... what wold I say if... and then he asked and... *smiles happily* I said yes! ^^
We always had lots of things in common but now I'm learning more about him and it's surprizing yet so exciting as well! We're both freaks, yet we laugh and have a great time talking all the time, he lives in Arizona too! So YAY! and he's only about... a 5 to 6 hour drive away! He's 19 and I'm... 21, wow talk about me robbing the cradle, lol jk! I'm in a weird mood today so... a happy mood you can deffinately say! and those are very rare for me! ^^ I hope I don't cause the world to got into a catastrophic polarity orbit causing us to all die, from my happy, great, good mood! O.O lol ^^
I'm really worried about a close friend of mine... he's... *sighs* in pain you could say and we both caused that to eachother in ways that will never mend with time, well it will but it'll never be forgotten, EVER! I'm just worried, and feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions, I desparetly want both, but... the heartache from choosing is going to effect my from the rest of my life. Live life without regret... for you can't change the past so why ponder and make yourself suffer reliving it within yourself! I try to tell myself, hmm... that might be a new quote for me! but still... it's hard not to make yourself suffer with what if, it's always there nagging at you and killing you from the inside no matter what and how much you supress or push it away... you know? *sighs* man... well things are going good, and some amazingly awesome ^^, but thinks plague me and cause my happy times to go down the shitter, but I know it'll be ok, it has to be... It's gonna be! no if's and's or but's about it! *sticks my tongue out to the world* hehe ^^

My story/character/she's a vampire!

Love, that word engraved it's self in her heart as it slipped fromhis lips to her and the knowledge that she loved him too, she wondered if someone could ever love someone to much, cause she felt she did and for this wonderful man. Jasie hugged him tightly and slid her hands around his neck before resting her head on his shoulder sighing happily, as well as cuddling up against his neck. Jasie followed his eariler gaze at the stars and the full moon, and sighed wonderfully inside. A full moon always did that to her, she always felt as if it guilded her and lit up just for her, as if it's warm beautiful glow could mingle and... become a part of her. Jasie envied Lycan's, she loved the moon and she's often found herself running in the woods on full moon nights or just loving to fill her hearts content with the moon, staring and always being out on one. Like it called to her in some mystic languge, beging and pleading for her to come out and just be, to live. Jasie wanted to stay like this forever in his arms, to never leave his side or be forgotten with time like most vampires are, or infact, left alone because the ones they love... Well, their ticket comes up and it's time for them to go, and which way does she mean that you may ask... it's in death and age. She'd never feel that or go through that. But she's watched the world around her change just like he would and she couldn't except that, wouldn't or couldn't lose him. But she knew she would, so Jasie's heart began breaking as tears fell from her eyes in sorrow. "I love you, never leave me... for I'd rather die then leave you." Jasie said burying her face in his shoulder and neck hoping he wouldn't pull her away, just to see she was crying. Crying for him and what will be with and in time... her left alone, hollow and without him. But she still would have risked her heart if she went back in time, just for him... Jasie would risk her heart a thousand times to be broken just for moments like this, to not be alone, to be loved and cherished.


Well my mother's freaking out on me and... lol being a need-freak from hell, she acts like she desperately needs me, as if in a life or death situation and it's mainly to find the damn remote! LMAO, but yeah, she's loopy a bit and well... cries on me and most the time makes me feel like shit, not purposely... yet sometimes to do think... lol.
well... as another Fave quote of mine is said, Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced. ~John Keats Fire does not wait for the sun to be hot, Nor the wind for the moon, to be cool. ~The Zenrin Kushu and Cruelty has a human heart, and jealousy a human face. ~William Blake.



LMAO... Yes Kalli, I took the test from your site! ^^

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jasie Sloan... lol ok, ok... It's Vanessa Sanchez
Birthday:	Sept 14
Birthplace:	Maricopa... well Arizona lol
Current Location:	Tonopah, Az
Eye Color:	Shitty brown, i hate them... but there easy to hide in and be unnoticed with... I find myself gazing into them and get lost with so many secrets within... it's scary sometimes.
Hair Color:	Redish brown
Height:	5'5 or... I don't know anymore... *studders*
Right Handed or Left Handed:	hmm, which one do I jack off to the most... lol jk I'm right handed!
Your Heritage:	O.o... I'm a a mutt, a mix breed! I'm latino so... yeah! lol
The Shoes You Wore Today:	converse, old school! I ROCK! lol
Your Weakness:	Caring to much... I'd sacrific myself for others anytime or day of the week!
Your Fears:	Nevering being loved and forgotten... well somewhere on the line of that... and lost more but those are screts... *whispers them to-self*
Your Perfect Pizza:	lol... red onions, cheese and pepperoni... I'm plain and boring! lol
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Lose an abudance of weight!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	L8ter
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Oh man... I'm alive, damn! lol jk, just... eh
Your Best Physical Feature:	lol I honestly don't know... my hair! lol I'll let others decide who meet me
Your Bedtime:	lol... LATE, but currently whenever I'm tired I sleep, so YAY!
Your Most Missed Memory:	hmm... this is a hard one, but I'd say... my friend Sam's face and hanging out with her, I miss that damn girl!
Pepsi or Coke:	lol since I... hmm... pepsi!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	LMFAO... since I worked at macdonalds once... lol I'd have to choose them! lol
Single or Group Dates:	single, cuz it's always me and me alone! lol but... NOT ANYMORE! ^^
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton Ice Tea ^^
Chocolate or Vanilla:	hmm... since you can add and put so many different flavors to vanilla... it's vanilla for me! lol
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino lol... WHAT?!? hehe... ^^
Do you Smoke:	Nope, and I never will!
Do you Swear:	HELL YEAH, I do!
Do you Sing:	lol... trick question... Oi/Oy! YES, I love to sing!
Do you Shower Daily:	sometimes, it all depends on what I did that day to get all hot and sweaty! lol, but yeah, I do!
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Yes
Do you want to get Married:	hmm... don't know yet!
Do you belive in yourself:	lol... sometimes, yet I tend to confuse meh self! lol
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	lol... now that's funny! seriously what's the question now?!? I... ah.. don't know!
Are you a Health Freak:	lol... no, but I should be!
Do you get along with your Parents:	not really, but sometimes I do.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes, I love them!
Do you play an Instrument:	lol... yesh!
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes!
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope!
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Hell no!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	lol... no!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	lol Hell no, I'm a hermit crab, I stay in my room and tend to die there too! lol jk, but I haven't!
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Nope!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Mmm... that sounds pretty good, but sadly nope.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	lol... no!
In the past month have you been Dumped:	*sighs* Nope!
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	lol... since I live in a desolent desert with no river or pond and so on... Hell NO! unless you call dirt skinning a new trend! lol jk
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Nope! wait a min, wait a min... my brothers sweat pants... lol I couldn't help it, their comfy! lol ^^
Ever been Drunk:	Sadly no, I wanted to be... but nope!
Ever been called a Tease:	*giggles* Yes!
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes... many times!
Ever Shoplifted:	lol... yes!
How do you want to Die:	decapitated! *grabs katana and gives it to stranger* swing away fool! lol... I don't know how I wanna die, well as long as it's not by fire or some horrible dieases... I'm fine with anything else!
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	hmm... a PLAYBOY BUNNIE! LMFAO, HELL NO! I seriously haven't... a writer, journalist, artist, photographer... PI!
What country would you most like to Visit:	New zeland or Ireland!
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	hmm... grey or grey-ish blue
Favourite Hair Color:	Black
Short or Long Hair:	mid-lenth! ^^ I like pulling hair! lol
Height:	taller then me... so 5+ or 6
Weight:	hmm... 130, 140 , 150... I don't care really! but muscled would be nice! *drools* lol jk
Best Clothing Style:	lol, NONE! LMAO, jk! I'm not good at this so... as long as it's nice looking and what he likes to wear, I'm cool with it!
Number of Drugs I have taken:	hmm... what kind of question is this, damn! but as long as it wasn't any kind of horrible kind that you could get something from... and your still intacted with a brain, I'm ok with less then 10!
Number of CDs I own:	Limitless!
Number of Piercings:	Mmm... yeah, lets not go there! ^^ Cuz i'd be a brutal lover! lol
Number of Tattoos:	YES, YES, YES! I love tat's, completely!
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	LOADS! lol... ok some, cuz without having some adventure you never really become who you are! things and life molds and changes you, but you choose to weld the bad things within you!
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

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Thursday, November 1, 2007

   Bored...





So... how was everyone's Hollow's Eve?


~BOred and thought You'd like this info~


The dark glamour of the gothic look is still captivating young and old, after 20 years. Rosanne Bersten reports.

Goth is back. Gucci, Gaultier and even Yves Saint Laurent are cladding their models in lashings of black, with teased, punkish hair, heavy on the eyeliner and accessorised with chunky, silver crosses, for their autumn collections.
Funny, say members of Melbourne's goth community. "Goth never went away as far as I'm concerned," says Hilary Willowsmith, proprietor and designer at Mortisha's. "There's always new young people who are interested."
There's been at least one nightclub playing goth music in Melbourne most weeks since the early 1980s, according to Lisa Marshall, also known as the Baroness and grande dame of the Abyss nightclub.
Every so often, though, goth spills over from its cobwebbed enclaves and into the public domain.
"I actually think (Gucci and Gaultier) have embraced the style with great flair. I have great respect for these particular designers. If a bit of the glamour rubs off (on general society), I'll scream with joy!" says Marshall.
Willowsmith, 51, is probably Melbourne's oldest goth. She's been dressing goth since the '60s, but hadn't heard the term until she arrived in Australia in 1980. She believes that one of the reasons for goth's enduring attraction is its versatility.
"It fluctuates in style. It evolves; it incorporates other styles that people are interested in, from film or music or whatever. Goths are a little sponge-like: they absorb the different creative influences from the present and past," she says.
Leia Andrews, 16, agrees. Born in 1986, when some say goth was at its height, she's part of the latest generation to adopt the dark persona.
"There always seems to be new waves of goths: there's never a gap," she says.
Andrews is one of a crowd of goths who can be found most Friday nights in Alexandra Gardens on the Yarra. Teenaged goths - referred to as kindergoths by the older crowd - congregate to socialise and fire-twirl.
Fire-twirling - lighting the ends of a staff or balls on chains and sweeping them around in majestic patterns - has its origin in tribal cultures and moved from there to trance clubbers and hippies.
Andrews says she was taught to twirl by hippies in Port Fairy. But while mid-'80s goths mooched around listening to the Smiths, she thinks "it's natural that goths should twirl". Her equipment of choice is the poi, balls on the ends of chains, rather than a firestaff.
"I do poi because I'm a quarter Maori; it's in my blood," she says.
The new breed of goths has led to a division in goth culture: now there are "mopey goths" and "perky goths". With her bright smile and easy laugh, Andrews is definitely on the perky side, despite the black corsetry; sharp, kohl outlines around her eyes; and the long, black hair.
"I think of goth as a form of expression, through the way I look - being different," she says. "I don't like to fit in. I just hate conformists, they really annoy me."
Most agree that goth emerged in the '80s out of new romantic and punk.
Tina Phillips, who says she remembers a very mixed subculture in Melbourne in the early '80s, was more on the punk side of things.
"I was doing the goth thing, but the people I was hanging out with were doing the punk thing. We didn't call it that, though. They were swampies or Birthday Party girls. It was all one subculture."
The range of goth identity today is vast. There are still romantic goths, into vintage lace and crushed velvets, and punks into the drainpipe pants, chains and kilts now being plundered by Gaultier. But there is also SM-influenced goth with its shiny, black, PVC corsetry and piercings; and cybergoth with silver-mesh topped with collars adorned with plastic, day-glo purple spikes.
There are also the crossovers: Gown of Thorns in Fitzroy, for example, sells a punk-inspired, tartan mini in purple, grey and black for those goths who can't quite come at wearing bright red.
Phillips recalls that there were fewer people who wore full goth gear during the day in the '80s. "It really was a night-time subculture that came out of middle-class areas. Punk was more working class."
Willowsmith says that "punks and goths used to mix very well".
"The goth thing is non-political, non-religious. We don't care about people's sexual orientation. We're very liberal-minded. The punks were very political, but we mixed very well with them."
There are still punks and goths together in the Gardens and in the clubs. Sometimes they mix well; other times there are tensions. From an outsider's perspective, it can sometimes be hard to tell the difference. Scott Jardine, from Mont Albert, is 17 and one of the fire-twirlers in the Gardens. He says all types come down here, some all the way from Geelong, some "streeties", some because "they have nowhere else to go".
He doesn't look goth: short mousy hair, grey beanie. But shirtless, and his eight madison piercings (horizontal piercings through the chest flesh) that start just below his collar bone and end just above his navel reveal his fascination with playing on the edge.
He's had an obsession with fire since he was little and says there's an "incredible high you get from fire-twirling - half from the kerosene fumes and half from the adrenaline". A few weeks ago, he accidentally set himself on fire while trying to fire-breathe using the wrong fuel.
"It was fun," he says. "And it's healed pretty fast."
One of the guys standing nearby is wearing a Cradle of Filth T-shirt, a pentacle and a Pizza Hut name badge that reads "Hi, my name is Satan". He says he's a pagan and that the name badge is just a joke against all the people who think goths are devil-worshippers.
Morgan Coole, 16, wears a T-shirt from the movie Queen of the Damned and plays guitar at the fire-twirling. Sometimes he plays original material, sometimes "mellow Metallica". Isn't that more metal than goth?
"Sure," he says, "there are more goths here than metalheads, but they seem to like the shit that I play."
Goth in its "pure" form is rarely encountered.
"I couldn't say that anyone's club is exclusively goth. It has been done (but it's) difficult to sustain. There is so much cross-over with electro and industrial music. I don't think the boundaries are so clearly defined anymore," says Marshall.
Most clubs these days are known as "goth industrial", a development that began with bands such as Einsturzende Neubauten, DAF and Nitzer Eb.
"Even goth industrial has splintered into various subgenres," says Marshall.
So what is goth? It's the perennial question, says Phillips, and one that is frequently addressed in online forums such as the newsgroup aus.culture.gothic.
"For me, the difference between gothic and metal is beauty. The beauty in the black, the macabre, the femme fatale, the whole culture. Whereas metal is purely about the gore. And the difference between goth and punk is the politics. Punk is against the conventional forms of beauty."
For Willowsmith, it's "the beauty of the architecture, the roses in the gardens, the romance of living forever".
Marshall says that goth "embraces mystery and the night. It is passionate, dramatic and glamorous. At its heart: poetic. It is an entire culture with a tradition which traces its lines to Byron and Shelley and beyond. It is the world's greatest costume drama peopled with such varied wondrous characters".
One thing's for sure: goth is here to stay. Consider the popularity of Anne Rice, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Charmed, suggests Marshall.
"In order for a subculture to persist (goth or otherwise), you will always need new blood! Pardon the pun," she says. "When a subculture extends into the mainstream, it allows the uninitiated to cross over."
GENUS GOTHICUS

WHICH ARE YOU?

· Kindergoth or babygoth: Any goth under the age of 18 or who looks like they are.
· Romantic goth: Wears lace and Victorian or Edwardian clothing and corsets, in blacks, reds, purples and green velvet. Often heard sighing about love.
· Mopey goth: Note for permanent depression. Listens to the Smiths. On repeat. Pain makes them feel real.
· Fetish goth: Wears chains, collars, spikes, fishnet, PVC, rubber, more corsets. Buckles are a specialty. Ah, the piercings, and the tattoos.
· Perky goth: Wears black but takes inspiration from Japanese anime and the PowerPuff Girls. Wears black, floor-length skirt with goth Hello Kitty handbag.
· Pagan goth: Easy to spot due to visible pentacles and ankhs. Women wear mediaeval-style dresses in red, purple and green.
· Cybergoth: Silver PVC pants, floor-length black PVC coat with blue UV-respondent PVC inlay, and day-glo spikes. Electronic green patterns powered by a battery flash on the black T-shirt.
· Goth geek: Wears black jeans and black T-shirt, sometimes with obscure Perl code. Men have long hair.




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Thursday, October 25, 2007

   Thor... God of thunder... but my friend and loving dog! T.T





Time:10:36am
Mood: Horrible and crying both seen and unseen tears
Listening to: nothing at the moment, but I'm probably going to listen to sad shit as usually or my skillet, BFMV, 3 days grace, something...
Quote: I never do anything right... yet maybe that's why things end up the way they do with me... shitty! ~personal quote of mine



Why does shit always happen and fall upon the ones who don't deserve it... but that's the rules of life, shit always happens to the ones that are weak and don't and never do anything wrong!

I hate life and all it has to offer, b/c no matter how great it is... they always take the best things in life away from you... in compensation!

My childhood dog Buster, I had for... God ages I told you about died... I barely cried for him... and now... Thor my brother's dog who I've taken care of, played with and just... fallen in love with... *exhales sadly* Thor! *screams his name* my thor... well he's sorta mine in a sense that I've taken care of him more then his real owners but yeah... *cries* I hate life, and it always taking the best things from me!
I love his olive green eyes, white beautiful coat and everything attached to him. It seems like everything I've ever come to love, leaves me and or dies!
I NEED A HUG!

well... about a week ago he got off his chain and came back limping and hurt, we don't and can't afford to take him to the clinic to get checked up and... well we hoped and just thought he'd be ok and be walking on in it no time. Ironic how things with me never turn out on the great side of life but shitty!
well I slept in today and my sister-in-law was confronted by are bitch of a neighbor threating to call the cops and so on b/c of are dog, saying it's animal cruelty and such and saying "Oh I know this place that will check on his for free..." she tells my sister-in-law and then... "But those and this isn't my concern so I'll just call the cops." My sis-in-law wanted the info but she wouldn't give it, and are neighbor's just... a bitch and I have the weirdest feeling she's the one who hurt my dog!
So my sis-in-law wakes me up crying, and just... telling me to help her. SO she tells me what's up in a mix match of a way and I don't believe her what so ever when she says she's going to have him... well... shot/put out of his misery. So we get Thor and when she mentions taking him to my mom's I'm feeling better and less on edge about what she said.
And then she tells me... "We're gonna leave him here, so when Jaime (my brother) get's home from work, he'll put him down." I broke down... I mean come on, I was only playing, rubbing and hanging out with him 3 days ago outside in the night having a great time with him and... being out side will never be the same anymore... not to mention we had another dog here, Gage... my dog! he ran away or someone took him, and now this! NOoo, I tried to tell her maybe we don't have to, I mean... for one in my life I feel like I finally have a dog and ever time I'm out there he comes to me, jumping and playing and just loving me rub him and... evertime I leave to go back inside, *laughs a bit* he give me this look, like... come on, don't go yet, a pouting look. GOD... I lost everything!
I don't know if I'd ever want another pet ever again after this, I love that damn dog... and now... I feel like I'm 8 again, my sister's dog had puppies and I was allowed to pick one andkepp one fro my own... and I picked this odd ball little guy, and that very night he got bit by a snake and was dying... my borhter had to shot him, and I can still hear the gun shot going off and... I hate life! it takes and takes! I don't want it taking from me anymore! the great memories in life are cruel and EVIL when everything from, created or cherished in them are gone!!!
I ended up tying him up to are child hood swingset and just petting, hugging, and rubbing him with tears falling constantly from my eyes... saying why, how it just won't be the same without him, how much I'm gonna miss him and how I probably won't go outside on the back porch again more cuz I'd probably cry b/c he won't be there to greet me, jump on me and just... BE THERE! I stayed there for about a half hour with him and I took pic's... I... I just hate how life... I hate it!

well as you can tell I'm feel shitty and crying at the same time... I don't know if I can ever want or get another pet in my life, I always lost them just when I love them the most!

I hope you all are ok and things are good.
I would put a pic of him up here... but my computer is slow and it probably won't come up.
I'll put one up sometime this week or next... bye guys!

hollow
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

   fuzzy thoughts... what should I do... *worried*


I'm... in a rut in life at the moment... wanting to go somewhere, being pushed somewhere else and being conflicted with others wishes for my life and how I should do it with/go and live it as.
I'm just so... lost right now and people I know are worried about me and just... wanna make things better but are only making things worse! not to mention friends trying to help or, not know what's up with me but feel somethings wrong and I'm holding back. I feel as if I have to do this on my own, but... I don't want to, yet... It just might be for the best!

I just need to go through my thoughts and... figuer out the best path for me, even if it's the worst one and drives me farther from what I really want. or in fact hurst everyone I love or have come to truely and care about! I just need... time, and even that I feel like I don't even have. *sighs* life... it's troubling some! Yet things in it make it ok.

that's all I can say right now... for sure anyways, i'm just... confused and clouded with what I should do, what's right, what I wanna do, and the effect of my actions if I choice that. I think to much, lol.

Thinking to much... It's my down fall and will always be my down fall in life too!



Quote: Forgive the unforgivible, for I know not what I do, but feel what I speak.

~My personal quote along with -->

Quote: Speak the unspeakible... and face the consiqunces, of hating what you speak.

~My other personal one... yet it's been said from time to time by others, so... yeah.


L8ter guys, and have a good one! ^^




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Monday, October 22, 2007

   ^^ Transformers!!! ^^
OK guys... I grew up as a kid watching transformers and so on... and we bought the movie yesterday and MAN!!!

I loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!





It was funny, great and... the fight scenes just, kicked ass! I was glad we paid 24 something for it! and the best part of it all was... well me and my brother grew up watching it together and we ended up watching it together too... so that just flaired up the greatness of are good old times when we watched it before he left home.

It was so, good I watched it twice that night! that should tell you something! lol ^^



And just... that damn car! it loved it and when he placed the music and so on! LMAO "baby come back!" lol...
the old and new Camaro... the old one was... is a classic! but the new one is fine loookin' ^^ color of it... it just looked great in yellow with the strip down it's body! I love it! ^^
the movie just... ROCKED and I loved it! ^^

My day so far~: it's ok... just alot of things on my mind and people as well. I should be fine though! *smiles yet is worried*

L8ter guys, have a great and thrilling day! ^^

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