Saturday, May 19, 2007

sorry I haven't been on and visting


Time: 6:20
Mood: ok and happy since I've been reading Dark Lover, the vampire book!!! ^^
Listening to: Papa Roach "forever"
Quote: lifes a challenge of ups and downs, don't let the downs get the better of you and don't expect the up's to always come, it's a life we must live in, so don't give up and let it overcome and beat you down. we must live in order to make better of areselves and the world around us, so get to it... By: ~Forsaken Shadow inside me~


well everythings going good, my mom's... well i don't know, she's getting worse and her legs, god they just look really really bad and I'm worried about her, I've been rubbing alcohol on them and just massaging them. (I think I spelled that right) and not to mention my grandmother... she... she just wants to give up on life and die, how ironic that I've been and have been feeling the same way for a long time but I haven't!!! I'm just really worried about everyone in my family!!! not to mentinomyself but my sister and my nice and nephew went camping and a forest fire started up were they went and since it's fire season already I was going out of my mind worrying and such and she didn't even call or let us know she was alright for 4 days. that punk!!! I'm just glad she's ok and the kids!!!
and my little sis... *exhales* when am I NOT, worried about her, she's my emo and hate sis like I was for the biggest part of my life and I'm hoping to GOD she's doesn't turn out and go through the things I had in life or even think about the stuff I had!!! I'm worried about her though. she doesn't let anyone in and I'm afraid she'll do something stupid like i did.
I'm ok so don't worry okie-dokie!!! ^^



well as you can see my minds full of worry and things pladging it non-stop but it never stops me from not worry and wonder about you!!! so how are you? anything new happening or going on?



The book is great and MAN, i'm so... into it that I just feel like a vampire theme or changing something. ^^ I'm not sure though hehe ^^ but I just love the book and it's been two days and I'm already on chapter 22 pg 167 and I only get about 2 or 3 hours to read it sometimes less. lol I only get to read it at night around 11, or 12... and I end up staying away fro hours if I can, well I did in reading other books!!! ^^ what can I say i'm a night person and love everything and all things of the night. The moon just the moonlight shinning down on me i have a feeling over come me and I want to just run in a forest and lay down in it, a place somewhere no one can find me or call me, a place magical i can call my own. The stars, a million wishes and hopes of people that sparkle and shine letting you know everything is gonna be alright. and the sounds and night breezes from the night is so... it feels like home, something I've never felt anywhere else!!!



Q.) do you ever have dreams of picking up and leaving all you've even known and leave it all behind, walking out on everything and making a new start for yourself, you. and I'm not talking about dream DREAMS, but do you ever think about that, just picking up and leaving it all, start fresh and new somewhere else away from your worries, doubts, troubles, pains, and fears. run away!!!

me.) Every DAMN day, is it so wrong to want something different and new? to live life somewhere else and not worry about this person or that, or what's gonna happen. to just be free and leave everything you've known lived, I feel bad for thinking about it, especially since my mother needs me and all, but what about me, don't I diserve a life of my won to live and find out I never had? I don't know, I guess I'm just selfish and should wait some more.




well guys I got to go, I have things to do and extra. ^^ and are dog had puppies, little baby chiwawa's (I think that's how you spell it lol) 3 so far and she bit me!!! O.o it's cool, she's mostly my dog but she was only being protective of her puppies and I was just trying to put in a soft comfy blanket and snap, she got me, I wasn't even near the puppies. but It's ok!!! ^^
she' bit me twice though lol ^^
well it's 7:07 pm and I'm headed out to make dinner and do laundry so L8ter guys, and thank you all for commenting on my post!!!
the 5th chapter and I will proof read and fix through it this time (not just go on blind hope that it sounds good) lol sorry about all those times it wasn't!!! but the 5th chapter will be, I hope!!! lol by and have a great day, night, and great dreams... mine haven't been all that good, more like freaky and sick lol L8ter,

~*hollow*


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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

   story time and goodbye yet again. T.T



Time:1:28
Mood:ok ^^
Reading: Dark Lover a novel of the Black Dagger Brotherhood, a vampire [i love vampire movies and books] book by J.R. Ward and I LOVE IT SO far!!! ^^
Listening to: when darkness falls by killswitch engage
Quote: theirs one person in life that you'll find perfectly honest and right for you, but in the end there never yours, to have or keep. ~hollow~

I'm leaving again and going back to my brothers house, sorry guys, I guess the days i was over there was a get awayfrom it all type thing.
Man, oh man!!! do I miss that BIG QwEEN SIZE BED, seriously!!! I have only a twin and it sucks especially when your little 17yr old sister is sleeping with you in it and taking up all the damn room left on it oushing you off the bed practicely. ^^ it's ok though!!! ^^
I watched so bad ass movies at my brothers house, The Crow, MindHunters very good like saw almost, buffy the vamp slayer movie lol i know i know don't hate me ^^ lol, and lots of others like the devils rejects it wasn't that good more like stupid but freaky in some parts like damn thats... yeah!!! lol well that was pretty much it.

well it's story time I did try to put all this and more up yesterday but my computer just like deleted this site and won't let me on it all day so everything I wrote in here and such didn't post, I'm sorry I was great too!!! T.T lol ^^

well my 4th chapter is very long and I wrote it just yesterday, it took me 5 hours to write it and it's 6 pages on microsoft program so I'm just gonna give it to you all instead of torturing you and giving you half now and half later!!! like when i did!!! so don't explode your eye balls in reading to closely and have a great time!!! ^^
I'm gonna miss ya lots and don't forget to tell me how your day have been and your week!?! BYe... T.T


Chapter 4


Kaisuri's body still lays motionless above with everyone else, while she's endurances another life like experience else where out of reach and out of body fighting for her life and insanity.
[“Okay... now what the hell just happened?” Kaisuri asked herself franticly unaware of how shocked and freaked out she really was. “This has to be a dream, because if it's not, then that means... well, I'm definitely not going there or even into that conclusion and I'm NOT, placing myself into that category! I'm NOT, crazy!!!” Kaisuri Yelled]
Kaisuri paced and thought about everything rationally and took all what happened into mind and pieced it together without sounding crazy. [“Okay, so what can I remember from before this? Hum-m? Well I remember sword fighting with the thief, getting stabbed, yelling at the girl, and... falling into darkness and then, well I woke up here! So how did I get from falling down conscience into this place?” Kaisuri wondered.]
It seemed as if she had been there, “here” forever and that also was driving her crazy, she missed the cool breeze on her skin, tingling and brushing upon her skin. She just missed the sunlight and air and just everything.
“How is she doing Doctor?” A woman asked, while having Kaisuri break her train of thought and focus in on the conversation.
“Well it's been two days since her seizure and she's recovering from her fever from her wonders and... [he looks at her wounds] and her wounder are healing in nicely, phew, I'm glad that her body finally gave over and let healing take place Ms....um-m?” the doctor asked.
“My name is Amaya, it means Night rain, my mother thought it suited me since I loved rain so and I was born on a rainy night.” the woman said.
“So Ms. Amaya, what relations are you to this, this... Seishi?” he was about to say woman but he glanced at the sword on her side when she arrived here and knew that a certain master in the far, far east took in and trained women to infiltrate and assassinate lords. They'd never suspect it from a whore or woman and so it was a extensive crime committed if a master were to train them. They were executed on site and killed if caught or taught women the samurai ways of life and to fight. But that never stopped certain masters from it, all he knew was that he had to hide this woman and her friend from the renegade of the vile and sinister MKH when the time came. For she could be the one they all hoped and looked for to save them all.
“I mean, um-m... this woman?” he quickly yelled/put in.
Amaya just looked at him questioningly and answered with a lie, “she's my half sister, why?”
he looked away and that's when everything sunk in, [“She's a Seishi, an assassin... FEMALE!!!! oh god, oh god, oh god, what have I gotten myself into and done? SHIT!!!”] Amaya slapped her lips with her hand as always did her mother when she said such things when she spoke them, but knew she didn't.
“Is something wrong Ms. Amaya?” Tom the doctor asked.
“Oh, no... Nothing whatsoever Mr. Tom.” she said.
“Please call me Tom.”
“So where were you headed when this happened? Who attacked you Ms.?” he asked.
“We we're chasing after a Kaitou who stole my... I mean are family heirlooms and so we chased after him.”she quickly put in.
“A Kaitou, you must have been very brave or... well crazy to run after the Kaitou?”
“We weren't, and we got them back, but my sister wasn't so lucky.”
“I can see that Ms. But You should think twice before you go after and face a Kaitou, you never know what is to be expected of him.”
“I'll take that into consideration, for the NEXT, time we face one.”
Kaisuri Laughed and wished she could have seen his face, she was giving him such an attitude and throwing facts and what-not in his face. But this Tom is a smart one, he must be sensing trouble ahead and of keeping them here or he wouldn't have assumed me as a Seishi unless he... he must have seen and found her Katana. [“DAMMIT.” Kaisuri yelled out]
“Within a couple of days your sister should come around, it will take time for her to do that, but know that she has passed over the harsh and worst of things.”
“Thank you doctor, I mean Tom!” Amaya said with a bright smile on her face.
Affectionately Amaya grasped Kaisuri's hand and held it into hers while saying a pray of thanks.
Kaisuri wondered if she would remember this nightmare or be stuck in it for much longer. [“How am I going to get out of here.” Kaisuri whispered.] In the back of her mind she knew perfectly this is were she belongs for all the hate, anger,tears, sorrow, pain, and death she's taken in her life time and made people including herself feel. She felt a presence all around her, both good and evil and something else, she suspected it to be him, the one who saved her. She wanted to thank him and talk to him again. But she feared the only way would be to endanger herself so he would come, like before. But she' didn't know if it was a one time thing that he came or if he would come again and frankly she didn't want to take the risk. But she would have to in order to see him, and talk to him again. Getting up enough courage in doing so, was the issue and problem though. A winter breeze was coming in and she began shivering and getting cold. She laded down and felt pounding underneath her and gargling words of “help me” as if someone were under water and drowning. She rolled over quickly and stared in a daze of shock mixed with fear as she saw him. He was under ice water, beneath her feet.
“I'll get you out, hold on.” she yelled and began hitting the brick of solid ice under her with her own fists.
She got up and began jumping on it and throwing herself to the ground in order to somehow break the ice and free him, But nothing seemed to be working.
Kaisuri began screaming and yelling hold on, and tears fell from her cheek and face as she watched helplessly as he began to turn purple and fight for air. Kaisuri looked around and out of the corner of her eyes found a pick ax lying on the snowy ice far off. She couldn't believe it, yet as she ran towards it she ran with caution, it could be a trap set be that thing in order to subdue her. As she tested the ground around her and found it sturdy enough for her weight she grabbed the ax and ran back to him. She began franticly chopping the ice and breaking through when out of the corner of her right eye came rushing that shadowy dark thing at her. She quickly by-passed him in a fast backwards step motion as he leaped out at her only to catch air instead of her. She looked down at the ice only to see that the man how saved her was no where to be seen. The thing growled in anger and frustration which got Kaisuri's attention, he was laying smack down on the ground. But he got up and began running in a tackling way it seemed to Kaisuri, so she threw all her weight into the next blow to the ice. As the ax came down so did the ice and she broke through, the surrounding ice near them feel as well. The sheer horde scream of the thing drove Kaisuri to stay under the ridged ice water as she too, fought a scream back, herself. As she watched the thing rise up and run off she rushed up to the surface to gasp for air.
“Ahhhhhhh, Fuck!!!!!” she screamed out with the heat of a fog escaping her lips.
Kaisuri looked around and then dove under to search the water for him, as she began to loose feeling in her body and outer extremities she started to lose hope of finding him. As she rose up for another breath gasping for it the thing lunged at her from above scrapping him razer sharp claws on her shoulder and just barely missing the firm grip he would have had if he leaned in more. She got enough air to go below and she had the ax with her so she decided to break open other holes for air else wear. As she began to lose her breath she began to pound on the surface below making a big enough hole only to slip her mouth out and breath. As she moved on she found him surfaced right above the ice near an air bubble underwater taking in air for himself. As she joined him from behind startling him, he at first pushed and then pulled her in for a punch but as he notice it was her he stopped. She saw how purple and shivering cold he was but couldn't imagine how cold he must really be, he was in longer then her so she had to get him out. Kaisuri lifted up the ax and then saw the monster walking above them, they both swam father below from the ice hoping he wouldn't see them. As kept on walking by Kaisuri motioned for them to take on last breath and make it to the opening. He agreed and they both went up for air just as the thing was coming back and he saw them both. His eyes glowed a fiery red in the pupil leaving the rest black and hollow with hate and anger. I pushed him up quickly and as he consumed all the air in him mouth I reached out and grabbed his hand to pull him back below. As we both swam off deeper into the water he couldn't see us so we quickly moved up and began swimming one way, only to go back down farther and then as the monster took the bait we began swimming the other way. As I began to run out of air, he brushed his lips on mine and passed me some of his. As we came right above the opening we first stayed below observing the surroundings making sure that thing didn't double back to get us, after a few minutes and us not being able to hold are breaths any longer we resurfaced and lightly swam to an edge of the opening to get the hell out. I motioned for him to go first since he was in here longer but he forced and pushed me up, as I got out I reached out and grabbed his hand only to be facing him and actually seeing and noticing him and the way he looked. and attractive he was muscular and very fit. But that's not what caught Kaisuri's attention the most, it was just his eyes, they showed so much of him, his heart, soul, and emotions that Kaisuri felt his pains and sorrow as if she was him. She looked away and stopped her mind from racing into how good looking and handsome he is.
“What's wrong?” he whispered.
She refocused on what's at hand and reached out for him“Nothing, now come on before...”
swishing sound escalated into the air and before any of them looked Kaisuri flew several feet into the air thrown back on her side. Kaisuri tried to get up only to have a sharp pain of agony erupt from her back and side. She tried to apply pressure and grab at it but something ripped and cut her arm and that's when she slowly looked over her shoulder behind her. It was him alright and he was feasting on the chunk of meat he ripped off of her side and back. She got up and ran only to see that midnight black hair guy getting out yelling to her about something she just couldn't hear. As she kept on running she tripped falling on her stomach and that's when she figured out what he was yelling as the monster flew over her and then quickly turned back in a all fours type animal position as if he was a fucking loin stalking his prey, ME! His claws jet black with freshly painted blood on them, MY BLOOD, and in the light I actually saw him. He had a coat of fur, black as night with silver eyes with changed. He's some kind of animal beast it's as if he's some kind of hell hound of Satins. He had death and your mine all in his eyes and expression, I was ready to claim my fate and take it like a man with honor and with a fight when I heard yelling and felt as if this wasn't the only thing going on, as if something else was happening to somewhere else.
“I'm coming!” he yelled furiously at her and began running at her with the ax.
Kaisuri couldn't believe it, why in the hell is this ass hole risking him life instead of getting away.
As she ducked horribly from the hell hound's attack with more slashes on her from his claws. She got up and got ready for the next maneuver or attack she'll have to run or dodge from. As the beast circled her all she could think to do was yell at the think “come on, do it you ass hole, get me, come one and get me!!!”. As Midnight hair boy came rushing at it, I ran towards it too, to try and distract it so midnight, could strike and at least wound the damn thing. As I moved forwards and waved my arms and moved side to side as if to tempt it, I turned around and ran at a jogging pace. That got his attention and he ran after me, he was catching up faster then I expected so I side jumped him in a roll and got up before he did in slipping and rolling to his side. I ran back to midnight and only hoped the meager chance I was giving him to attack this thing, wasn't a mistake or that I wouldn't die in vain. As I ran for my life midnight set up like a baseball batter and ready to take this big one over and out of the ball park. He signaled me to slide or duck as I did just in time the ax swished right by my head missing me and striking the hell hound in the chest and falling to the ground.
Midnight helped me up and was a little to cocky in victory that he didn't notice the hell hound get up and strike at him. Midnight fell in my arms and I pushed him aside as I ran at the beast. I picked up the fallen pick ax and side stepped the hound taking a slashing and jammed the ax into his skull, bringing an end and a screaming roar from the beasts last dying breath and an attempt so it seemed to reach out and scratch us. I fell to the icy winer ground and felt life, warmth and hands all over me not to mention loud talking. I reached out to Midnight and
ravishingly ripped at his shirt and check his wound. It healed, it was as if the cut had never happened and he quickly checked my back and it was the same. He got up and hugged me while spinning me around, we both just stared at each other in a shocked yet dizzy feeling and then as if the dream faded we felt a numbness in are bodies as if we where losing the ability to stand up and move. We both fell to the ground and watched as on another slightly faded away.
I reached out to Midnight's limp body only to see him yet again fade and slowly disappear but call out, “Every thing's going back.”
as I lay there watching in horror as my hands fade into the surroundings of nothingness I closed my eyes and felt and heard voices. The woman and the man again but this time it was closer, as if I was right next to them instead of far away like it was.
“She's moving doctor,” the woman yelled out.
As I fluttered my eyelids open to a blinding and very bright area, I lifted my hand up to cover my eyes, since I was... I don't even know what kind of place... all I know is that is was a very dark place and my eyes were blurry and unfocused to this place.
“ahhh, how long have i been out?”
Amaya gasped and rushed to my side, “You've been out for 6 weeks”.
Kaisuri gasped and unbelievingly said, “What!?!”
“That's 42 days, how's...” Kaisuri muttered.
“Shh-h, you should rest. You've been unable to move your body and talk for a long time so just rest.” Amaya said.
“I've rested long enough, help me up!”
“But I-I... I don't think.”
“You don't think so there for you don't know, so just help me the hell up, please, please!”Kaisuri forcefully said and begged.
The doctor came in and quickly scolded the both of them.
“you can NOT, just get up and walk Ms. I'll allow you to be in a sitting position, but that's all.” the doctor forcefully bellowed out and said with a just try me and see how far you get if you do, look on his face.
“My God, your just as bad as the other patent trying to force himself up, who in fact just woke up as well.” doctor replied.
That sparked interest in Kaisuri's eyes and Amaya wondered why, but Kaisuri asked her and concluded the fact that maybe she does.
“Yeah... um-m, can you check out that other patient and tell me what he looks like?” Kaisuri asked with pleading and desperation in her voice.
“Yeah, um-m... sure, Okay.” Amaya said but she wanted to introduce herself to her first, but then again that can wait.
It seemed to Kaisuri the the lady had left only a few seconds ago when she came back with the news.
“It's a male man, with midnight hair, very... o-o-o a-amazing eyes and...”
Kaisuri lifted up her hand to let her know that's enough and was wondering what the hell was going on. They both were in that... that place, and they both made it out, what does it mean? Why did she even go there in the first place, why was he there, and why did they come back?
As Kaisuri pondered about that she began actually looking around and finally noticing the woman and recognizing her.
“Your the one from...”
“Shh-h.” Amaya spat out quicker a a speed Kaisuri never though possible to shut someone up at.
“Of course I'm the one sister, don't you recognize me? It's me Amaya, your sister.” Amaya winked at her and nodded off else were off to the left as a warning that trouble was listening and hear.
Kaisuri got the message and played along.
“Of course you are, I'm sorry I can't really see all that much, my eyes are killing me.”
“Rest sister, and I'll be right beside you until you wake you to give you news of how everything went, and how everyone is back home.” Amaya said.
“Thank you sister, I'd be lost without you... your the best thing that's happened to me in my life.” Kaisuri added.
“Goodnight sister, rest and sleep well.” as Kaisuri closed her eyes Amaya kissed her forehead and hugs her while giving her the heads up on everything.
“We have to get out of here, people have been looking for you and any and all female assassins, I hid your Katana so it'll buy and give us some time but it's running out, they have already slaughtered several women in here and have asked several times about your status and who you are. I gave them as much as i could in telling them your my sister, but I think there not buying it. We have to get out now or very soon. Before... Goodnight sister.” Amaya kissed Kaisuri one last time on her forehead and sat back down in the chair.
A horrible looking warrior came over to Amaya.
“Has she woken up yet?” he asked with anger and frustration for the last 4 weeks he's been here trying to find the assassin.
“She had but is very weak and unable to talk so the doctor gave he something to drift her off to sleep.” Amaya lied.
Filled with even more anger the man yelled out, “she's been sleeping for 42 days, how much more rest does she need?” he grabbed the harms of Amaya's chair and lend in to pressure and make her very nervous.
“I told you all I know, and she has been battling fevers, bacteria and survival for the last 6 weeks so show some compassion for my sister, please!!! you may think she's a killing murdering bitch, but she's still my loving and caring sister and I will NOT, have you mistreat and disrespect her in that way.” Amaya bellowed out in anger and dominance in a last attempt to steer him else where.
“You know what I'd like to do you to?” he whispered in her ear.
Just then the doctor rushed in, horrified in what he saw and demanded him to leave, the man left only to look over his shoulders wink and say, “It's not over.”
As the doctor rushed to Amaya's side and lift her face up to him, he was shocked not to see tears but was impressed to see fire and anger in her eyes.
“You Okay?”
“I am now, thanks to you Tom.”
“You welcome Amaya... anytime.”
Tom looked over his shoulder and whispered “Tonight around midnight I'll help you two escape.”
Kaisuri heard that and was gripping hard on the bar she managed to put off her bed to beat that man with, but the good doc saved his life... for now!!!
“Tom, I want you to move the man who woke up right next to me, and if he is the man I think he is, you have to bring him with us!!!” Kaisuri whispered out to him.
“Alright.”
As both Amaya and the doc left, Kaisuri's mind raced with questions, worry and determination in the plan that would have to take place tonight. They would all die tomorrow or die trying, but that's always fun Kaisuri laughed inside. Her life and everyone else would lay in her hands tonight, and she had to rest and think of nothing else but what is to come, and not worrying about what you can't change. It's only her, the enviable death of her and others and the night call of silence bring her closer to the dark night air they would be running in and breathing it's sweet nectar tonight.


End of 4th chapter

so what did you think?



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Friday, May 11, 2007

   Another week away from you *exhales sadly*



fear me, cuz I bring nightmares!!!

Time: 11:27
Mood: iffy
Listening to: lost prophets
Quote: if we need someone in order to move forward, then what are we, co-depended on others instead of areselves, so in that case were slackers of are emotions and hiddnd within, just waiting for that strong person to pull us out.
~unknown more on the lines of anonymous I think I spelled that right, oh well~

well I'm leaving in about 30 mins and moving in for a week with my brother and my sis in law to help her out with my new niece and my hellion of a nephew, he's cute though lmao, there always cute, the evil ones that is!!! lol ^^ but I love them anyways!!! ^^

i watched my show last night and it kicked ass, it was a two part episode and sucked that is ended with sammy *tear rolls down cheek* is stabbed to death and dying in his brothers arms, the brother who swore to protect him and keep him safe. I cried, it was so sad, yet very good. dammit, I have to wait until next thurs to see the season's last episode. i love this show!!! I really hope sam/sammy does's die, I like him, and he JUSST, he just CAN'T DIE!!! dang directors and writer messing and ruining up the great/awesome shows!!! >.< T.T

I watched the hitcher, and it was feaky yet pretty good!!! and south park!!! lol I know, I know I'm retarded for watching it but I can't help it, it's SOOOOOoooo frigging stupid yet FUNNY!!! XD I'm crazy!!! ^^

well guys when I come back I promise to put up my second half to my story, I'm really sorry about not doing it this week, a lot of crazyness has being happening!!! ^^ but here's something to occupy your time with!!! ^^
warning not prof-read and fix though sorry, have fun!!! ^^



I'm not putting all of it up but it's a story me and Night Phoenix are working on, she writes about her character and I of mine. Np is her and well the other is mine, I hope you enjoy!!! we haven't named it yet but I have a name for it and I'll put it up, you have all week to check it out so have fun and let me know what you think?!? ^^
I'll miss you guys so much!!!
LOTS!!! [hugs you tightly and cries a bit] last time is was hard and I can't even imagine this time without you guys!!! Kat, be good!!! ^^ I'll miss you!!! bye.


Strangers Linked Together


Intro: is was a dark gloomy night and two strangers would finally meet an end for the most worst of fates it all started with a girl (that's you) having a terrible nightmare that left her drentched and wide awake with fear.

Np starts with her character:

Crimson stains littered the room, and screeching filled the air. The acrid smell of an uncleansed room filled her lungs, the scent permeating her nose, leaving her feeling quite nausaeuted(sp?). Despite her instincts urging her to flee the area, she was drawn like a moth to a flame to the one room at the end of the hallway. She shuddered everytime that piercing scream emitted from the room. But still, she didn't stop until she reached the creaked open door.

Taking a firm breath, which she later regretted when the vile scent filled her nostrils once again, she steadied her nerves as her heart raced impacably. Her hand, ghost white and shaking, reached out in front of her and softly pushed the door open. But it creaked, sending her heart race, already high, skyrocketing. And when she opened it, her eyes widened and she fell to her knees in a horrified state.

Before, shackled to the wall, was her brother, thought to be deceased. In fact ,that probably would've been best. But here he was, skin littered with bruises, welts, scars, blood, lashes, and an inumberable amount of wounds. But the worst part...The worst part was when he turned his doleful eyes, now lifeless and forlorn, to her, and not a flicker of recognition passed through them.

They were the best of friends, how could he not see her?!

But just then, a door on the side of the room slammed open, and she looked up. 'No' she whispered, 'No, No..'

"No, No, NO!!" I sat up hurriedly from bed, my eyes still crazed from that ungodly vision that was sent before my eyes. I was covered in a sheen of sweat, my legs tangled in my sheets. My hands were clutching the bedspread as if it were a lifeline. I turned to examine my reflection in the mirror across from me. I looked dreadful! I was pale white, not to mention sweaty, and my eyes held a wild look, full of irreplaceable fear. I tried to calm my nerves and take deep breaths, but nothing helped. I turned to my alarmclock, seeing it to be 6:00 in the morning. The schoolbus didn't arrive for another two hours, but I might as well get ready. There was no way I was going back to sleep after seeing that. But how I longed to see my brother again, but this time in good health, and him recognizing me.

I start with my character:

jean was like any other girl but wasn't intirely, she had special things "gifts" about her that enabled her to see things a sort of forsight. she was a loner and liked it that way she was a... you could call a goth/emo chick but with spunk!!!
4:52am jean gasps and screams for air in horror and fright! she witnessed someone else's dream so vividly and real it seemed like she actually was living it and experiancing it! she felt his pain as she to was being tortured, beaten and what he endured by that mad-person. she even screamed in pain and horror as she was reliving someone else's sick nightmare or infatuation in doing it to someone!!!
oh god! jean rushes to the bathroom to puke, she could taste blood, cloriform, and body fluids that were forced in a sick way of torture in her mouth as was the vitim! jean screams, why do I have this curse!?! rocks herself back and forth thinking about who was the vitim, what had happened in her dream and how she could stop it!
jean see's and can still feel the metal and hot Iron roasting her flesh and knifes and needles percing it as well! jean beings to cry and starts to take a hot shower, as he steps in she looks down the side of her rib cage were it seems to be still hurting from the dream and notices she broght back a wound from her dream and see's and feels her own blood rushing down her skin and swirling and mixing in the water down the drain! jean froze in that moment and gazing at her own blood, this has never happened to her before and she just, watches it pore out of her! she then snaps back into reality and grabs a towel and places pressure on her wound. after a few minutes she removes the towel and looks at the damage. it wasn't bad enough to go to the hospile but needed stitchs, so she grabbed her neededs and thread and began stitching herself up! she couldn't and didn't have enough money to go to the doctors to have them do it so she learned to survive on her own and did what was nessissary in order to survive! including bearing with the pain and endurence of doing it!!! she got up bandaged it and then washed her body off and got really for her life that would soon be nothing more but a nightmare!!!

Np starts with her character:

It was 7:30. I was meandering around the house pointlessly, listlessly doing meager jobs. Anything to keep the turmoil that threatened to overtake my mind at bay. Every so often, a snippet of my dream would pass before my eyes, and my belongings would shift, and my knees would buckle. I groaned just thinking about going to school. I already had a migraine, didn't feel like eating in the least, lest it all come up again, but I was exhausted. In all honesty, I was dreading going to sleep that night. I had been entertaining the idea of staying up, but I figured I would need to get some sleep sometime, so I might as well just continue my regular sleeping pattern.

The house was deserted, my parents having left earlier that morning. They would be back before school ended, but I didn't want to put another burden on their already sagging shoulders. Besides, it was just a dream. Right?...

I snorted at my train of thoughts. 'Of course it was just a dream!' I mentally berated myself as I left the house, heading for the bus stop. 'It's almost like the time I had gotten that inexplicable fear of ghosts.'

The bus pulled up at the stop. I looked around, noting that no one else seemed to be at this bus stop. I sighed and boarded the train, making my way to the back. The beginning of another school year. 'Joy,' I thought sarcastically, my eyes brooding, causing all the other students who had begun to board at the next bus stop to look at me warily and find another seat. I sighed as the bus started its trek again, looking out the window to a scene that only myself could see...

My: character

jean looked upon the clock noting she still had time to eat, get her school stuff together and put on the eyeliner and her gunk. but since the though of even eating something replused her and made her want to throw up again she took to gathering up her books and homework. after jean got her eyeliner and makeup done she set her gaze at the clock and cussed herself out in fury as she seen the time! 10 mintues late how is tha... she looked at her bed room clock and the kitchen clock, DAMMIT!!! As jean slipped on her Nss and grabbed her bag, all her papers and books scattered to the floor right outside the door. FUCK!!! today is just not my fucking day, damn! Jean looks up and see the school bus leaving, shit!!!! jean packes and throws all her shit in her black marked up bag, locks her apartment door, and run for the bus hoping she might still be able to make it. she winches in pain as she takes the stairs two at a time and cries out in pain as she fell as she missed several in rushing. dammit, jean yells!!! she gets up ignoring the pain pulsing on her right side where her nightmare reality wound appeared and kept on running for the bus. it was too late but she just kept on running for it, and screaming at the top of her lungs to stop and wait!!! as jean looked at the bus leaving her behind she then noticed a girl looking at her through the bus window. her eyes filled with a distant sorrow, pain, and longing in them that all jean could do was look back at her and raise her hand as if to wave but didn't.
well jean! jean chuckles, it looks like we're walking to school today! and hated the blinding sun peircing through the clouds and blinding her vision. but as always it was another day, another day to hope life will and would be different for a change. but deep down jeans felt like her world was clapsing all around her and sufficating her. she could feel something bad brewing and going to happen to day or at least this week and felt that she had, just had, to be at school. like her life and anothers depended on it.

Np: character

Mercurian eyes snapped back from a distant land as the grating noise of the schoolbus stopping filled her senses. She looked out the window to ascertain where she was. School already?! A silent groan emitted from her lips as she heaved her bookbag onto her back. She waited until everyone had passed her to make her way into the aisle of the bus and let her feet touch the turf.

Her solemn eyes gazed at the building with utter loathing. How she despised school! The constant chatter of friends catching up with friends, talking about summer, drowned out every other noise, making it difficult to hear her thoughts. With a small scowl implanting itself onto her features, she made her way through the crowd, being jostled and pushed forward.

"Hey, Eridea!" a distant voice could be calling, growing louder. Before her stood her one true friend, Riaka. Now, Riaka constantly worried and babied Eridea since her brother had...passed. Plastering a fake smile and slipping on her facade with ease, Eridea replied in kind. "Hey Riaka. What's up?" They chatted amiably, as friends do, louging outside the school doors, waiting for the bell to ring, allowing everyone to flood the halls of the massive place.

But even Riaka, with her obliviousness to most things, could catch the slight falter in each movement Eridea would make, the way her eyes would dart around occassionally. Riaka pursed her lips and made a vow to wheedle it out of Eridea somehow. She wasn't called "persistent pest" for nothing.

My: charater

Jean, gasping for air from running, entered the tall black bar gates of the high school. Sweat from running and the pain coming from her ribs comsumed her and made it harder to stay clam, focused, and breath!!! she rushed into the bathroom and studied her figure and image. jean exhales in irration and frustration in how badly she looked. the sweat and constently wiping it away smeared her make-up and mascara all over her face and cheeks. she began cleaning her face as the plastic dolls, aka preppy popular chicks, laughing and giggling walk in as if the rule everyone and everything. jean doesn't even spare them a glance or notice. Ohhh, [scoffs] it's the emo bitch, don't mind her she's just a heartless black loser that's not even noticed but invisible in school and in life!!! they all laugh! jean bats her eyelashes and looks up at them! ohhh, I thought we were the best of friends!!! jean gasps and covers her mouth! jean quickly then composses herself back to original self and crosses her arms over her chest and glares at them!!! as if I care what you think, say or do slutty preps!!! everyone knows you screw the whole football team!!! the girls glare back and then rush forward at jean! Neko, hey neko I saw you... jean's friend comes in the girls bathroom, he notices she's in trouble so he quickly acts!!! ohh, hey girlfirends, so when are you ladies going to let me in your click?!? hmmm, I love what you've done with your hair, girl in the middle, he touches her hair. o-o-o, silky soft!!! he winks twice at jean so she'll play along! ewwww, you square! logan come on~! they'll never let you in so quit thinking they will!!! I'm sorry sexy, but there not as good looking as you so why bother with white trash like them!!! Jean grabs logan by the arm and they walk out together. Oh my god Logan, why did you do that? Neko I saw you running in the bathroom and... and, I just wanted to make sure you where alright and not to mention I saw "them" walk in afterwards and knew you'd be in-for-trouble so I came to help!!! I love you Logan, jean hugs him and he wipes at her remainning glump of make-up still on her face! what's wrong Neko, did you have more bad dreams? ...
sort of, well I'm ok Logan so don't worry okay!!! jean smiles and he leans in to hug her and brushes him hands acrossed her wound! jean grunts in pain and winches as she clinches her fists to hold in the pain! what's wrong Neko? jean smiles as he calls her by him pet name for her. Nothing logan, I'm fine!!! she put's on a smile for him! he looks down at her side and see's a red soaked stain on her shirt! he with quick reflexes pulled her to a shadow well hidden area and lifted up her shirt! his eyes filled with anger and rage, who did this to you Neko, who, what happened? Nothing and nobody did this to me Logan!!! I slipped and fell, point blank, nothing else!!! and NO!!!! I don't want to talk about it!!! jean starts to walk away but logan pulls her back to him and jean falls into him! Neko... Jean, look at me! he gental lifts her chin up so she would look at him. I love and care about you, jean!!! why won't you let me in? he searches her eyes as if they hold every secret, answer and truth. Jeans eyes soften and she whispers, I can't!!! he still looks within her beautiful light blue eyes with the dark navy blue high lighting around the light blue. why, why won't you just let me in? I'm not telling you to tell me everything Jean, just some to help lighten the load of burned on your shoulders jean! please let me carry some!!! I hate seeing you in pain and hurting inside and in your beautiful eyes, I see it in them!!! and I don't want to see it but I do and it hurts me that I can't do anything to save or stop it!!! Jean just let me know that there's something I can do for you, anything, tell me!!! jean smiles and hugs him tightly, and he followes suit and hugs her back. she smiles up at him and whispers and stares straight, as if in to his soul and says, I will Logan, I swear and promise to you, I will!!! jean goes on her tippy toes and kisses his cheek, thank you logan!!! he softly touched her face and watched as she leaves and then he touches his cheek were her lovely lips forever peirced his skin with her kiss. he loved Jean with all his heart but feared that there friendship would fall apart if they go personal and dated, so he kept his feels buried inside and hoped, no more like prayed she would one day tell him of her feels and love him. he quickly ran towards her remembering her blood stain and gave her his sleeved t-shirt he always wore over his tattoo braid shirt with the cuss words on it. Here jean, take care of her! jean smiles and hugs him once more! i will Logan! she walks backwards and straight into a girl. jean's pack and the girls books fly out and fall everywhere. jean gasps, ohh I'm so sorry!!! Mercurian eyes worried and full of sorrow, gazed upon her and she instanly remembered those eyes and her face from the school bus. but the eyes, like before she remembered with horror and fright, it was those eyes she saw in a mirror but of her the her dream, she had those eyes!!! jean quickly gathered her pack and said she was sorry again but left quickly before she could ever hear a reply or word from her. but she knew Logan was right there helping her gather up her stuff for her as she ran to her class... jean heard her name being called from a distance and knew it was logan but she ran even harder just to get away from those eyes that pledded and begged for answers. the hopes in them she just couldn't give, and she just couldn't bear the look of those eyes as her dream was still fresh in her mind and memory. of those eyes screaming there and crying out for someone to save them from that hidden evil lurking within the shadows, the same shadow that slashed out and got her as she was with that person in her dreams...

Np: character

Riaka and Eridea walked into the building in amiable silence, comforted in each other's presence. Eridea's eyes were shuttered, closed off from the world and guarded. All the other students unconsciously stepped away from the two friends as they walked through the halls. Eridea and Riaka were well known within the school. Eridea exuded a aura that screamed, "You die if you mess with me," while Riaka emitted something more along the lines of, "I'm psychotic, so you better lock your doors at night." First impressions stick after all. Riaka was wearing her normal attire, which was a ragged white sleeveless Avenged Sevenfold shirt, with a super short jean miniskirt over her white torn jeans. Her fiery red hair was done up in two messy buns, and she wore heavy eyeshadow, making her green eyes look recessed within her head. Overall, it gave her a creepy fan-girl kind of obessive look. Eridea, though, was dressed a little darker. Riaka often said she dressed with her moods. 'Maybe that's why she's able to read me so well,' Eridea mused as they turned left. Eridea was dressed in a crimson red shirt that had a blooming black rose on the left bottom corner. She wore dark blue jeans that hugged her body, and AirWalks. Her hair was done in a brown braid that brushed her waist, while around her neck gleamed a black outlined heart with inlaid red gemstones. Her eyes were heavily shaded in black eyeliner, with mascara exentuating her exotic eyes. As they continued walking, slowly mind you, they were in no hurry, a girl rushed pass Riaka and ran straight into Eridea. Eridea stumbled back a few paces before regaining her balance, and blinked slowly. "Sorry," the girl said apologetically before her eyes widened, a glazed look covering them, and a trickle of fear filling them before the girl took off flying down the hall. Eridea turned her head as she watched another guy rush past them, pressumably after the girl. 'he called her Jean,' Eridea thought, storing it away for later use. "That was interesting, eh, Eridea?" Riaka asked in her chirpy voice. Eridea narrowed her eyes in the direction "Jean" had gone in before doing an aboutface. "Hnn," was her monosyllabic answer as she continued walking. Riaka stood there blinking before yelling at Eridea, "Hey, wait up!" Thus, they proceeded to first period. 'I wonder how lunch is going to be...

My:character

jean made it to her class in the nick of time before Logan got her. [phew] jean wiped at her brow gathering on her forhead. her first hour was gym, and she hated all who was in it too. she looked down at the long sleeved t-shirt logan gave her, it was all black with a big heart with barbwire around it and knife stabbing through it on the rightside of it. she loved this t-shirt, and it smelled of him and felt like him actually there protecting her from all her troubles and issues. she went in the locker room and changed to her gym clothes, since her t-shirt was already a dark bloody red, the blood stain actually accended and highlighted the color and made it look great! her pants where a dark black red color with lost soul all over it. her PE teacher aka couch just walked by when jean was putting her shirt on and looked at her. what's going on here? jean quickly pulled her shirt down and sayed nothing. couch walked towards jean and pointed at her side. I know what I saw missy so just split it or you can take your good for nothing emo ass to the nurces office and princles too. her couch was a racist teacher and loved putting down students and kids. I saked you a question girly, now are you gonna answer it or not?!? jean just picked up her stuff and walked away while saying. I don't have to tell you nothing, especally when you don't get a crap about any of us anyways! jean put her stuff in her locker and tightened up shoes laces and straighted her running shorts and shirt. for that you'll get 20 laps around the field and 25 push up's. her couch said while hovering over her trying to make jean feel weaker and demeaning her. jean stold up and said. is that all you got! her teacher stepped back and eyed her. you'll see, get your ass going!
after doing the laps at a well good enough speed she walked over to the mats and began doing push ups while the whole rest of the class had to just stand there and watch her the whole time. is this good enough, her couch said to her. jean's wound was on fire and reopened on the her last 5 laps after tripping over rocks and on that side a couple of times. as it bleed, she started noticing some of her slass mates reactions to the dripping of blood on the mat. very few of them tried to have and protested to let me go to the nurces office but as usually the couch refused. just last week she had mike, a over weight student run, do push ups, sit ups, struggle and fall over and over again to try to climb the rope and just embarrassed him, humilated him infront of the whole class. we couldn't do nothing but watch, I tried to help him and for that joined in his humilation, I was glad. cuz at least he wasn't doing it alone. later that week he committed suicide. and I saw it in my dreams a week earlier but couldn't save him, he was too far gone. and because of me sticking up for him, the couch hated me most of all and more then anyone. a load yell and familar voice rang out in the room. He-e-y!!! wtf is wrong with you guys, neko come on. logan got a lame excuss for a pass to come and see me. neko, he ran to my side and lifted me up. lets go, and take you to the nurces office! jean wondered why at even moment in her life was logan always the one saving her and new exactly when to do so. thanks logan. don't mention it neko. logan winks at her and holds her tighter. so tell me jean, what did you do this time to piss the old hag off? nothing. you lie and I'll be getting the truth out of you sooner then you think neko!!! jean smiles and then lets him, as get was already try to lift her up and carry her in his arms.

that's it for now, have a great week without me and be good!!!
L8ter,

~*hollow*


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Thursday, May 10, 2007

   New life born within this broken world ^^


Time: 1:27am
Mood: Excited to see my new neice yet tired tired cuz I'll be stuck home watching my little nephew until his mommy get home ^^ (she had a "C" section) pool thing!!! T.T
Listening too: the silence of the night
Poem by hollow: With new live, comes new experiance's, in new eyes comes joy and happyness, with new fingers comes a grip unbroken, in the first baby laugh comes unforget-able memories, while she smiles and brightens up your day comes remembered hopes and dreams, and while she walks and talks, here comes the bad words and phases, throughout it all they seem like little monsters and demons, but once experanced the joy of raising one for yourself, comes many heart-warming, heart-breaking, never-forgotten, and always cherished memories of the angel you'll hold close in your never-ending heart of love and tear bursting memories!!! I know from experiance, well since I helped raise my sisters children as I grew up!!! ^^ I dedicate this poem to my neices and nephews I grew to love with all my heart and helped raised. along with everyone who just know's how it is to watch and see a baby full of life grow up into the hero and wonderful kid you've always knew was awaiting within and waiting to break free and just come alive one day!!! I love you guys


Well my new baby neice was born at 10pm and weighed about 6 pounds, small baby, but I bet she looks BEAUTIFUL!!! and has that baby soft skin and "new car smell" literally they smell good!!! ^^

well I'm ok, and doing fine!!! ^^ I'm sorry Kat for not being able to get on, my sis. >.< lol ^^ sorry!!!

my neice and nephew have taken what little room on my twin bed and they look like angels ^^ I just want to hold them and kiss them!!! isn't that strange, when their awake there little hellions and when their sleeping their sweet little angels we always knew they were!!! lol ^^

well it's late and I have to wake you early tomorrow so I hope you rest easy and dream pleasent dreams, and how is your day going so far?

OH my freakishness, I almost forgot!!! lol freakishness!!! LMAO my show supernatural comes one today!!! ^^ *jumps up and down with excitment* I love!!! this show, it's so awesome!!! ^^

well guys I hope your all ok and doing great!!! I'll try to visit all of your sites today, if I can't I'M TERRIBLE SORRY!!! [hugs you]
but I think I will be able to!!! ^^
L8ter, and have a good day!!! ^^

~*Hollow*


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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

   *exhales* life is a hassle sometimes not worth living in



TIme: 4:16
Mood: shitty and pressured to get off
Listening to: the nothingness of silence
Quote: no time for that, just lifes just to busy to put up any, sorry.


well things are going ok I guess, things are moving, people are changing. most for the better half anyways and my only brother is excited, his wife is bringing in a new life today... well tonight actually!!! ^^ my 6th neice!!! ^^ Emily, they wanted to call her Emily rose, you know off of that scary/ok movie, but my sister in law didn't want to jink anything so just Emily!!! ^^ all together I have 10, 6 nieces and 4 nephews!!! man do I feel old!!! 3 of them... well actually 5 of them I kinda helped raised and took care of while growing up!!! I'm a favorite aunt I guess but you never know!!! hmmm. JK!!! ^^

well it was crazy today, the heat is killing me, it's 100 and something today and believe me, it's HOT!!!

well my little sis is kicking me off as usually and as usually I let her, I hate how she munipulates me and I just let her use and abuse me for her own use. what can I say, I have a big heart and let her just at least she's talking or letting me know she's ok today!!! she's like me, but doesn't want to admit it, I just hope she's not as far gone as me!!!

well my sisters bitching at me this very moment so, I got to go, not really but I just don't wanna hear her bitching any longer so L8ters and how's your day going so far?

bye guys,

~*hollow*


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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

   The feelings of sadness 4 another


Time: 3:19p,
Mood: I'm good, sad that a friend of mine (wishes to remains unknown) is dealing with a great burden and going through a hard time alone.
Listening to: broken wings theme song from trinity blood one of my favorite shows and my last song on my playlist!!! ^^
Quote: in the depths of darkness lays the monster within us, that darkness in which it sleeps is much closer then we think and realize, that place is within. -unknown


well, I changed and messed around with my site, adding a few things and putting up my music, hoping no one would steal it!!! that's why it's been invisible for the last couple of days!!! ^^
I LOVE enormuosly, my music playlist and hate to see my hard work in finding and getting them be posted up or put up on other peoples sites without asking and just taking!!!

well I hope you like what I've done to my site ^^

how was your day? I bet exciting and fun of adventure!!!
mine was full of dust storms and me coughing and gaging from it!!! ^^ it's kool, the heat is killing me though!!! ^^

Q.) how do you come to grips with knowing that your pain will never go away?

me) I don't, I just live with it hoping it'll go away and a step at a time. most days it's bad and others, it's ok!!! ^^ but it never goes away.

here's a poem I wrote today, a poem in memory of a lost love I haven't met yet... but dream of often!!!

welcome to my nightmare were things seem real but are not, I fall down in vain and wish I could fly away, but the memories I feel keep of you near me are cherished peices of my life, I promised I'd try to hold on, but why? when all I want is to come alive, so i stayed and hope to awaken when you brush your lips on mine, for only once I wish I could feel you, touch you, breath you in me and see you again, but for now I sleep eternally in bliss of awaiting that first kiss and seeing you again.

and if you ever want to read this again it's in my intro box!!! ^^

l8ter and I hope you all are having a great day!!! [hugs you]
until tomorrow,

~*hollow*
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Sunday, May 6, 2007

   I'm Shitty, jk I'm ok!!! ^^
Time: 3:33
Mood: better ^^
Listening to: sooner or later by breaking benjamin but all in general i'm listening to my new playlist music!!! ^^
Quote: it is better to live trying to sucessed then fail without ever even trying!!! one of hollow eyes's quotes

THANK YOU, REALLY THANK YOU!!!

kAT AKA death and despair, Fantasy Hearts ^^, Driffter ^^, Pyro Aihngel aka my TWIN/CLONE ^^, and Sessy514 ^^

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELPFUL ENCORAGEMENTS IN NOT GIVING UP AND JUST FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO!!! I KNOW OTHERS WOULD HAVE COMMENTED IF THEY WERE ON AND I THANK EVERYONE ELSE WHO JUST THINK AND JUST KEEP COMING BACK TO TALK TO ME!!! [HUGS YOU SO TIGHTLY WITH TEARS IN MY EYES] THANK YOU, SINCERLY, I THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TO TALK TO THROUGHOUT MY DARK TIMES AND WHEN I'M JUST OK!!! ^^ THANK YOU!!!


I'M OK, things are still not good but I'm learning to slowly go through them and just try to begin the process of letting go and "be happy" ^^ lol.

how are you? how'd your weekend go?

I was tagged again!!! ^^ yea
and it was by

PurpleRainFall ^^

so lets see 6 things about me, hmmm.

1.) I'm a mexican american living in arizona. man is it hard. you have to deal with people who hate mexican's and just the heat alone kills you!!! ^^ lol
2.) I'm living back with my mom, (her health problem's got worse to I came back home to help out)
3.) I'm an emo/rock/punk/addicted person!!! ^^
4.)I love music and can't stand being in a crowed room with people!!!
5.) i'm a hard person to get to know fully and I'm open minded and love to get to know people!!!
6.) I'd lay down my life to save another. emotional, physically or just plan out if I knew I could save them in anyway possible!!! REALLY I WOULD

I tag, ummm, hmmm.
Kai-chan, CC hehe ^^, Ak aka Kalli, Sessy, heavy metal, and FH!!! ^^
sorry guys, I hope it's alright!!!

~you can find a way out, believe in yourself~
L8ter,

~*hollow aka on chat box as tearful rain, and unseen tears along with others*~
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Saturday, May 5, 2007

   I'm not doing so good. I'm sorry.
Time: 1:40 pm
Moon: hate, anger, and suicidal
Listening to: the wind blowing the tree's again, banging and hitting things outside.
Quotes: The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned, the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. -W.B. Yeats
If you can look into the seeds of time and say which grain will grow and which will not, speak then to me... for I do not want to listen until then. -Shakespeare

Yesterday I blew up on a friend and regret doing so. I just couldn't take living this lie, life and everything I've been living the last 5 or 6 years of my life. probably more so then that but I won't get into that. I hide behind a mask so no one will know otherwise of my true feelings.
I couldn't talk to anyone, I still can't, I just bottle everything inside of me and hope for the best method of releasing it later on. but yestreday I burned wires and blew a LOT, of nuts and bolts at what I was actually thinking of doing. and it wouldn't have been the first time either, far from it actually.
I've just been pretending my lifes ok for so long that I blocked out everything else and hid it so well no one ever knew. or no one never even care enough to ask or just be there for me. and I'm not talking about you guys on here.
I just thought life was so simple and easy enough that I'd just let life wash over me, through me, pain, hate, people, and all. just leaving the ragged part of me that's left hollow and tore bare for all to see. BUT NO ONE DID SEE!
I can really pick 'em huh!?! I just never pick the right one!!! life, pathways, choices, anything!!! I ALWAYS ABSOLUTLY, UTTERLY JUST HAVE, TO PICK THE MOST CRAPPIEST AND MOST HEART BREAKING WAY TO GET THROUGH LIFE.
last night, oh god last night I thought I could just take it all away, everything. never worry or have to deal with today and another bullshit situation I have to relive again. just float away and disappear.
I think I scared the shit out of her, but then again I didn't really have no one else to turn to and I couldn't tell you guys. I just could bring myself in telling or even having you worry endlessly about me and not let you go to sleep b/c of me.
I kinda scared myself last night, I was actually shaking with anger, hate for myself, pain, doubt and grife that I actually thought I lost myself. I was so numb and lifeless it actually felt GOOD!!! beyond the facts of what I show/write here as, you really have no idea who I really am. what I have to deal with day in and day out, the memories I just live with eating me up inside everyday. I can't escape from them, no one could.
I don't even know why i'm writing this, it's not like it's going to help me in anyway. lmfao I'm pathetic!!! utterly and absolutly pathetic!!!
my life has no meaning, not right to go on, it's an empty taken up space and air that could be used on another worth more them myself in every way and meaning. I don't know why I just, keep going on. there's nothing for me here, "life" in general!
I don't know anymore, I just don't know anymore!!! and that's what's killing me, not knowing how to go on or why I am, when I could just got in the other room and end it all so easily. but i'm still here. like the damn fool i am, i'm still here for more bullshit to be dished out on me and more life time hate and pain experiances to fall down on me. I'm not saying my life is worser or more pain filled then others, we all deal with hardships and pain. the real questin is, can we all handle and take it all in the end!!!
I've taken so much in my life, violence, words, i've even taken some punches, i have scars to show for my pains and from my families issues they rbought down upon me, and I have my own. we all have something eating us up and killing us inside. but can we handle it, and make it through to another day that's the real question. I've mand it through so many days, every since childhood, I've taken pain and beating for loved ones, I've burden myself with blame and hate, and even just wanted everyone to JUST HATE ME, [screams at the top of my lungs] HATE ME, JUST HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know if I'll be coming on much longer or maybe I'll just take a break from myo.
yesterday I punched my hand a few times into the wall. I'm ok, my hand is too but my pain and issues still remain.
I'm hanging in there/here for that matter. so don't worry all that much ok!!!

THANK YOU ALL, FOR BE-FRIENDING ME, STICKING WITH ME AND DEALING WITH ALL MY STUPID NONSENCE BULLSHIT!!!!! THANK YOU!!!

I'll try to get on, but I'm not sure if I will or at least can. I need to start relaxing and figureing out some stuff I guess. not that there's much to figure out. more or less, practicly nothing. but I really hope things will start looking better.
i hope your all ok and doing fine!!!
sorry for my crazy bullshit of a post and my fucked up issues you deal with. I'm sorry!!!

Here are some personal quotes I created for myself.
--> Rain, unseen tears falling for those who will, themselves not to, and just won't cry.
--> every tear has a reason and is meant to be shed. for if not, then there'd be no reason for tears at all.
--> you enter this world alone, and so you will leave it the same.
--> cloudy days are just like my life, it could either stay cloudy all day and slowly wither away, or become a rainy black storm with hate and pain. either way it's all just the same.

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced. - John Keats

~*hollow*

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Thursday, May 3, 2007

   story time kiddies!!! ^^
Time: 12:18 am
Mood: lifeless but ok with that ^^
Listening to: the wind blowing the leaves and branches on the window.
quote:down by the salley gardens my love and I did meet. - william butler yeats

well nothing really happened other then my computer malfuctioning and not letting me on at all, but i did finish and write my story!!! so here it is and I hope you enjoy. ^^

Chapter 3


Kaisuri was on the brink of dying, she went in and out of subconsciousness only hearing hearsay, bits and pieces of a conversation between a man and a woman and felt like shit. The man's tone of voice and the way he talked assured Kaisuri that he was of authority and gave lots of orders. But the voice and the way he was talking to the woman was different and showed compassion, care and... well as if he was letting her down slowly with bad news, and was delaying the blow that would utterly have her falling on the floor screaming, WHY. The conversation seemed so very distant, but wasn't. Kaisuri's mind was unraveling slowly and she, well... when she could think, thought she was already dead. She felt as if she was floating, that a cool warm breeze was drifting her away, along with the waves of a near by ocean moving her back and forth on the coast off of a desert island. Whatever was happening to her, all she knew was that it felt so good, so right and she didn't want to leave this feeling of total peace and soothing sensation.
“Will she make it?” a near by woman's voice, asked full of concern and care.
“It's to early to tell miss, she's looking bad and her wounds... well, preferably the one near her rib cage, it isn't looking very good.” he said with sympathy in his voice.
“I'm looking in on her hourly and still she's showing no signs of recovering.” the man said.
The woman made no sound, but Kaisuri thought she heard a soft sigh escape the womans lips.
“I'm very sorry, but all we can do is hope for the best.” the man whispered.
And with that said, for all Kaisuri knew, she could be dead already. And all of this... this whole scenario. It could just be a dream, a false reality her mind came up with to trap her within and influence her mind into no wanting to waking up from here. She didn't want to believe her mind could be capably of such power, especially over her body. So she went with she's dreaming, nothing more and nothing less, but how could she explain rationally to herself what's going on and why she feels a pull on her from the voices, the soothing feeling of peace and another one. A dark feeling of pain and suffering coming from a shadowy, dark place within her mind or where ever the hell she's at. All she knows is that whatever that leads or goes it's not good, and it kept pulling at her the most and reaching for her. She was snapped back into the now and out of her mind when she heard them talking again.
“But it's been a week, why isn't she at least healing or waking up.” the woman cried out.
“The existent of her damages caused, were internal. And as she's fighting off bacteria and infection, her body is taking in to consideration of that, more then healing her body so it's losing. She's losing, and her body is to blame.” the man said.
“I don't understand.” the woman softly whispered.
The man put his hands on her shoulder and said, “she's dying, and there's nothing we can do except let her die, I'm sorry.”
“But, but... can't you do something, anything!!! Please, I'm begging you”.
“ Unless she doesn't start fighting back and will, herself to want to live. There's nothing I can do,” the man said.
[“I am fighting... ain't I!?!” Kaisuri yells inside her mind while puzzling if she actually is fighting and willing herself to live.]
[“They can't hear me remember! So what am I going to do... think, think!” Kaisuri scolded herself and asks out loud as if someone is with her or can hear her.]
“So what can I do,” the woman asked the man.
“Stay with her, let her know your they and with her. Don't let her think she's alone in this, talk to her.” he patted her hand and started walking away.
“Thank you... um mm?”
“Just call me Tom, It's doctor though.” he smiled with a grin on his face as he said it.
“Thank you Tom, and I know.” she said smiling back.

[I can't believe I'm dying here and those two are flirting while talking about me, can my life get any worse, Kaisuri shook her head saying.]
As if someone heard her she felt someone grabbed, held and was touching her hand. Kaisuri looked around her but no one was even there and she couldn't see anyone.
[“What the hell is going on,” Kaisuri whispered]
“I know I just barely met you and that under certain circumstances in the way we met... well, they we really bad, unconventional and unethical as well. Okay maybe not, but you saved my life and got my... well my stuff back, so I'm in your debt.” the woman said with care and emotions in her voice.
“I'm here for you and will not, no matter what, leave your side. I'm here for you.” she also said.
[“Oh great, a psycho chick. That's exactly and only what I need now! Thank you for sending me my savor in battle God. You could have at least sent me something useful.” Kaisuri yelled]
Kaisuri exhales and her body begins thrashing and violently shaking. Kaisuri knows somethings wrong but she doesn't feel anything, she hears a woman yelling for help.
And as her back is turned to the dark side of her mind, the attack of her body somehow weakens whatever was holding it back and it lungs at her. It begins ripping, scratching and tearing her skin to shreds while dragging her under and towards that shadowy and dark part of her mind. Kaisuri tries to grab something with her hands and literally rips off, from her finger, some of her nails in doing so. She kicks at it and gives it all she's got in fighting off and loosening the hold he's got on her. She begins screaming and wiggling but his hold is just to strong and the grip is skin deep, literally.
She closes her eyes as a man runs out of no where from her “so called mind” he leaps out and grabs her arms.
“I won't let go.” He yells with desperation in his voice.
Kaisuri shocked beyond understanding grabs back and holds on to him with a force she never knew she had and begins fighting harder to get rid of her excess baggage weighting her down and dragging her.
“Don't let go.” Kaisuri yells with fear and pleading in her voice.
He smiled at her and held on even tighter as he moved around and begin pulling back. It became a game of tug of war between them both and we were losing, but he didn't give up, he kept on pulling back.
Kaisuri heard voices again louder this time and they were coming from somewhere else then in “here”.
“Hold her down.” a man forcefully yelled out.
I looked at the stranger risking his life for me and a spark of understanding and knowledge passed through us. That we we're going to be Okay and this was over, we won. And just like that, I felt a pinch sink into my forearm were my veins are and everything seemed to just disappear. The “thing” whatever the hell it was screamed and flew back into that darkness. And the man who saved me slowly yet, like dust being tossed in the wind, mixed and mingled until it settled back again, never to be seen of again.
He started to notice he was disappearing and yelled and reached out for me. Then out of whatever strength he had left yelled. “I'm not alone! [he was so relieved and chuckled in shock] I'm here, so don't...”
But I did catch and hear what he said after that. And then I was alone again, but this time I knew that I wasn't and that where ever I am, and whatever is happening to me. It isn't all in my mind and not a damn dream.


To be continued

g2g sorry my post was short, how was your day and thank you Celestial Chi and Driffter for commenting and writing such wonderful crazy insane things about me!!! ^^ thank you and cc only you would know how durty I can get, lol well along with AK!!! ^^ lol
thank you again and have a thrilling day!!! ^^
l8ter guys,

~*unexspected tears that are unseen*
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Tuesday, May 1, 2007

   beyond the pale of darkness
Time: 12:23 noon
Mood: uncertain but ok
Listening to: lostprophets
Qoute: fallen flowers do not go back to the branch. -Zen saying

well I got tagged, LOL! for the first time on here too!!! lol ^^
and by Celestial Chi no less, and he's a good friend of mine!!! ^^

ok well lets see, five facts about myself. hmmm, what should I tell you, I can't tell you bad stuff and naughty stuff in my life. I'd probably freak you out so I'll go with casusal info on the megger less then crazy side. jk I have no naughty crazy life, or do I? LMAO!!! ^^
ok, ok, ok enough crazy talk, lol here's 5 facts about me or just info none the less.


1.) I wish the breeze/wind would take me with it and that the rain would wash all my sorrow and pain away when I'm actually feeling it. which I do kinda a lot. I'm a troubled and lost soul.

2.) I see life in different aspects that no one really sees them in or as and I'm shinned down for that or more like misunderstood and left alone. but I try to have an open mind and a lot of things and am open for others and there beliefs!!! ^^ I'm excepting and and like a fool, I wear my heart on my sleeves!!!

3.) I read books like crazy and listen and walk while doing all three sometimes and it's funny to see peoples reactions to that. but I'm a book-aholic and love to write stories, poems and draw!!! I have so many started stories that i haven't finished that it's driving my crazy and I have so many ideas in my head of stories it's insane just to think at times. lol really. ^^ i'm a freak!!! lol

4.) I'm a loner for the most part and like to be alone most times. I haven't found love yet and I believe I don't deserve it either or happyness for the most part anyways. but a girl can dream and can't stop dreaming right? and even if I don't want or think I don't need things, happy-endings, true love, or just to be happy. I still can't shake the feels of wanting them so badly it hurts.

5.) I LOVE, love, nature, certain atmospheres and surroundings. like rain, wind, the moon light, stars, thunder and lightining, dancing in it or just sitting outside and wanting to be a part of it and feel it in the rain, wind or... just feeling apart of something other then alone in the house. I feel alive. but mostly I wish I could just drift away with them, like the wind. blowing away just caught up in the breeze wanting nothing but freedom, adventure and fun!!! ^^ that's what I want, to finally live!!!


I'd write more, but 5 was the limit on the tagging so... lets see who I'm gonna tag!!! ^^ lol lets see.

a.)Pyro Aihngel
b.)Fantasy hearts
c.)Broken Illusions
d.)insesskomilover
e.)Iruka sensei
f.)kiki-tink
g.)Heavy metal
h.)Kenyo
i.)black-and-white



no story today but I'll be posting it up soon I promise!!! ^^ sorry. I was thinking about continuing one of my old stories but only for me, I don't think I should post it, but I like where it's heading!!! ^^
you remember bloodless moon don't you? about werewolves and shapeshifters. that's what i'm starting up again, well writing more of. lol ^^

how is your day going? I hope well!!! ^^
[hugs you] well I told you I'd tell you what I watched over at my sisters house so here it is, the list.

Van helsing, lol that's a pet name/nick name my little sis calls me. I have no idea why but it's cool!!! The cell, the black dalihia, Turistas, the bros, National lampoon's pucked, Willow, the Descent, and it was really good but my sisters damn dvd player froze and wouldn't play the last two chapters. I almost lost it and almost grab a hammer and broke the damn thing. lol ^^ jk I watched night at the museum, really cute/funny/good movie, employee of the month, I loved that movie it has dane cook in it and he's fucking funny, I watched eragon, bable, I watched my show supernatural and it was very really good!!! love it!!! ^^ then I watched rocky balboa's last new movie, Dejavu was really good, pick me up, it suxed, the gravedancers was really GOOD!!! and the hamiltons was ok, you probably wouldn't know ny of the last too movies since there scary and after dark horror fest movies. HELL YEAH!!! I'm a horror movie fanatic!!! lol ^^ and that's pretty much all of them!!! ^^ have you seen any of them?

well I better go, I have to finish up cleaning the house and etc, so have a great day and oh yeah, the dump truck/dumpster man broken down in are drive way, it was freaky yet funny I though he was just sitting there parked watching me, but later on I talked to him and then gave him a coke and he joked around with me saying he wanted a bud-light and then he freaked out when I told him I'd get him one, the look on his face was priceless!!! LOL ^^
but it was kool.
well l8ter and have a good day,

~*hollow*
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