Tuesday, March 27, 2007

for the ones I've hurt and the ones who I haven't...
Shishou, Night Phoenix, Necury, and all others... with my post!!! I'm truly sorry!!! *sad but forthcoming look on face as if ready to take on the harshness of your words of rejection of friendship* I know you all care about me, is just I haven't any clue on to why? and sometimes I want you all to hate me... it seems like I've always wanted mostly everyone i meet to hate me, my FAMILY!!! it's like I'm scared that I'd get to close to you guys and so I find ways to push you away or just, my family makes me feel like utter and total shit and I randomly post stuff and you guys take it to a whole other level of thinking it's about you!!! it never is, I grew up with hate and violence in my family... [scoffs] i grew up watching MY, father beat my mother and siblings along with me!!! but as I grew older and my father pushed my family apart and away from me(they move out at young ages) I tryed to save my mother and younger sister from him but never could and beat myself up for it everytime and just want them to hate me for it!!! like I do myself!!! i have so many issues it's unreal... i'm just a sane, well most of the times person just trying to live life or just SURVIVE it... but it seems throughtout the day, time, months, year and so on... it's getting harder and more hateful and hollow... i'm growing hollow inside and want so much of the pain I've been through to go away but it just wont!!! it never will and I jusst don't know how to deal with that!!! I don't know if I'll ever know how... maybe i'm just meant to be some kind of psycho killer or suicidle reject who can't even get that right... I just don't know anymore... and that's what pisses me off... and my lifes not even as messed up as others are!!! and I hate it how i just can't live on and be strong!!! I envy you who do, have tragities befall upon you and pick up and move on!!! your my idol's, my hope of knowing there's still hope and everything pure and good out there that can pick up their piece's of that life and move forward... i try and try but everytime I get so far I lose and fall strait back down... like the the spider in that song, the itsy bitsy spider crawling up the spout but the rain just washes him right back down... i feel like him!!! like i'm never going to get up there... but I keep trying and hopeing that I will!!! i'm SO sorry if I offened any of you or hurt your feelings, it wasn't done on purpose!!! i swear!!! *serious and sad look on face* it's just I'm going through so much and I tryed to make scence out of my feelings and it came out a BIG MESS!!! sorry!!!

I hope your day is going good!!! ^^ how was is? mine, it's ok... I'm trying to scan my art on my computer and up it up for a eager friend of mine to see it!!! ^^ *wink, nudges, and points at her*
I bought some art supplies yesterday and can't wait to use them... I'm going to try to put some art on tomorrow but if I can't I'll try my hardest for the next day!!! *pinky swears it*
well guys this is were I leave you... THANK you Shishou, Necury, Night Phoenix, insesskomilover, kiki-tink, midnightstreaks, Heavy Metal, Vampire Kiss, sessy, emmah, Driffter, and xDeathIsMyLifex for your comments on my posts and your friendship!!! no doubt i'd be gone if it wasn't for you!!! ^^and a special thanks to shishou and insesskomilover for putting up with me throughout the years... I love you guys!!! I can't imagine how you guys did!!! lol... but thanks!!! you guys kept me from making LOTS of bad choices in my life, all b/c you guys cared enough to be my friends and care about me!!! *hugs* thanks Necury and Night Phoenix for caring and being great friends too!!! ^^ *hugs*
thanks you all for caring enough to comment and just wonder how my day was!!! love you guys!!! *hugs all*

thanks and sorry again!!! nite and have a great day tomorrow!!! L8ter... I'll try to comment on your guys posts tomorrow, I'm kinda introble and have thinks i have to do... *shiver and is worried what tomorrow will bring* L8ter guys...

~*hollow*
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