Saturday, May 5, 2007

   I'm not doing so good. I'm sorry.
Time: 1:40 pm
Moon: hate, anger, and suicidal
Listening to: the wind blowing the tree's again, banging and hitting things outside.
Quotes: The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned, the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. -W.B. Yeats
If you can look into the seeds of time and say which grain will grow and which will not, speak then to me... for I do not want to listen until then. -Shakespeare

Yesterday I blew up on a friend and regret doing so. I just couldn't take living this lie, life and everything I've been living the last 5 or 6 years of my life. probably more so then that but I won't get into that. I hide behind a mask so no one will know otherwise of my true feelings.
I couldn't talk to anyone, I still can't, I just bottle everything inside of me and hope for the best method of releasing it later on. but yestreday I burned wires and blew a LOT, of nuts and bolts at what I was actually thinking of doing. and it wouldn't have been the first time either, far from it actually.
I've just been pretending my lifes ok for so long that I blocked out everything else and hid it so well no one ever knew. or no one never even care enough to ask or just be there for me. and I'm not talking about you guys on here.
I just thought life was so simple and easy enough that I'd just let life wash over me, through me, pain, hate, people, and all. just leaving the ragged part of me that's left hollow and tore bare for all to see. BUT NO ONE DID SEE!
I can really pick 'em huh!?! I just never pick the right one!!! life, pathways, choices, anything!!! I ALWAYS ABSOLUTLY, UTTERLY JUST HAVE, TO PICK THE MOST CRAPPIEST AND MOST HEART BREAKING WAY TO GET THROUGH LIFE.
last night, oh god last night I thought I could just take it all away, everything. never worry or have to deal with today and another bullshit situation I have to relive again. just float away and disappear.
I think I scared the shit out of her, but then again I didn't really have no one else to turn to and I couldn't tell you guys. I just could bring myself in telling or even having you worry endlessly about me and not let you go to sleep b/c of me.
I kinda scared myself last night, I was actually shaking with anger, hate for myself, pain, doubt and grife that I actually thought I lost myself. I was so numb and lifeless it actually felt GOOD!!! beyond the facts of what I show/write here as, you really have no idea who I really am. what I have to deal with day in and day out, the memories I just live with eating me up inside everyday. I can't escape from them, no one could.
I don't even know why i'm writing this, it's not like it's going to help me in anyway. lmfao I'm pathetic!!! utterly and absolutly pathetic!!!
my life has no meaning, not right to go on, it's an empty taken up space and air that could be used on another worth more them myself in every way and meaning. I don't know why I just, keep going on. there's nothing for me here, "life" in general!
I don't know anymore, I just don't know anymore!!! and that's what's killing me, not knowing how to go on or why I am, when I could just got in the other room and end it all so easily. but i'm still here. like the damn fool i am, i'm still here for more bullshit to be dished out on me and more life time hate and pain experiances to fall down on me. I'm not saying my life is worser or more pain filled then others, we all deal with hardships and pain. the real questin is, can we all handle and take it all in the end!!!
I've taken so much in my life, violence, words, i've even taken some punches, i have scars to show for my pains and from my families issues they rbought down upon me, and I have my own. we all have something eating us up and killing us inside. but can we handle it, and make it through to another day that's the real question. I've mand it through so many days, every since childhood, I've taken pain and beating for loved ones, I've burden myself with blame and hate, and even just wanted everyone to JUST HATE ME, [screams at the top of my lungs] HATE ME, JUST HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know if I'll be coming on much longer or maybe I'll just take a break from myo.
yesterday I punched my hand a few times into the wall. I'm ok, my hand is too but my pain and issues still remain.
I'm hanging in there/here for that matter. so don't worry all that much ok!!!

THANK YOU ALL, FOR BE-FRIENDING ME, STICKING WITH ME AND DEALING WITH ALL MY STUPID NONSENCE BULLSHIT!!!!! THANK YOU!!!

I'll try to get on, but I'm not sure if I will or at least can. I need to start relaxing and figureing out some stuff I guess. not that there's much to figure out. more or less, practicly nothing. but I really hope things will start looking better.
i hope your all ok and doing fine!!!
sorry for my crazy bullshit of a post and my fucked up issues you deal with. I'm sorry!!!

Here are some personal quotes I created for myself.
--> Rain, unseen tears falling for those who will, themselves not to, and just won't cry.
--> every tear has a reason and is meant to be shed. for if not, then there'd be no reason for tears at all.
--> you enter this world alone, and so you will leave it the same.
--> cloudy days are just like my life, it could either stay cloudy all day and slowly wither away, or become a rainy black storm with hate and pain. either way it's all just the same.

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced. - John Keats

~*hollow*

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