Thursday, June 14, 2007

things take and give, I only wonder when I'll be getting instead of it always taking...
Time: 9:34am
Mood: iffy yet I seem to be feeling nothing at the moment.
thoughts: why does life always have to take, take things of value or symbols of feelings like love and so on to all of us. I'm not just taking about me! I'm talking about ppl I know, life seems to always take the good away from us and in return it leaves us hollow and painfilled. and mostly... well lots of times it never gives back. why does it have to take anyways. is it the things we do, sins we commit, lies we tell, or hate we feel, have or give on to others that life just explodes on us and takes. I'm not saying am any of those, I have sinned though, lied, and... did things, HELL... we all have but why does it always seem like after we change are ways life just smacks you down and gives you pay back! I don't understand it. do you?

well I'm at my sister-in-laws and brothers house babysitting and so on, I'm terribly sorry I haven't been on all that much and been visiting you all! my home computer is dying and I don't really know how long I'll be on here anyways and the stupid things not letting me or even bringing up the comment box so I could comment on most of your sites. I'm sorry.
things are well I'm just not feeling anthing or kind of loss towards buster, are family/childhood dog. it's like I... I haven't even cried I said a couple of words to him as I stood there on tuesday over him as he layed there motionless and bleeding. the day before i knew something was wrong and told my mother inwhich told my dad and they and ME... well, I did nothing and b/c of that he's died! me and my sister had to drag his maggot filled body away from the house and then spary off the porch. I felt so shitty and like... even in death I some how hurt him and let him down. when I was looking down at him I apolgized to him saying I was sorry for all the times I wasn't there to pet and just play with him even though I was just a ways away.... inside the house for crist sake. as I said I was sorry I knew it didn't matter now, it's not like he's here to hear it or what-not. everyday I'd say to him "hey old dog/man, what's up how's it going" and now he won't be there for it and me. he'd always walk with me and watch over me as I'd go out into the night/dark and just hang out somewhere on the property or just get the mail or something. he'd always walk with me and sit there, like he was making sure I'd be ok or maybe it was that he some how sensed my pain and wanted to heal me and make things better. I feel like he... he was a dog for goodness sake and... I'll miss that damn dog and his playfulness he once had, he had the heart of a young pup but what old. and he died laying down and it seemed like he was watching over are house or maybe reaching out and no one just carried enough to grab his paw/hand. I don't know, but I left the day he died to my brothers house, and I haven't been back since and just looked. just looked and finally let it all come into grasp and me realize... he's NOT, coming back. but I'll always cherish and good old days and fun time we had herding, running, playing, and just having a good old time with him.

buster R.I.P

hollow~ trying to feel for a dog that's just not real to the touch... anmore~
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