Thursday, June 28, 2007

   *covers face with one hand*
your right, you know that!
I just need to... to get away and think about things except letting them and everything walk over me.
I'm so frigging stupid at the moment thinking about things that don't even make sense. yet some how in my frigging mind there the only thing that does!
*hit myself in the head lightly with my hand*
dude, I've lost myself and who I am, I need to find me again and not combine ME, with other people and things that happened ages ago and let go and try to live in the now, not the fucking up past!!! I NEED TO or I'm just gonna... gonna end up hurting myself, (which I don't want to) or someone I really care about (which I REALLY REALLY REALLY, don't EVER, wanna do)
I need to find me again, to tell you the truth I kinda am, yet I'm losing peices of myself that I really need. my insanity is going loco and wacked out, and ME, I'm lost in a fucked up world in the past of self hate and blame that I can't even see myself in the mirror anymore and my eyes, I can't even see myself there!!! I see someone else, a stranger within me...something scary and... just NOT me.
I'm really SOOooooooooo, sorry I've been gone and that I haven't really been myself for a long time and I'm sorry if you needed me at one point or another and I wasn't there, but right now... I'm so fucked up I'd probably only make it worse! I'm so sorry I'm not there for you or that you can't be here for me, but somethings... you just have to do on your own. and this... this is just one of them.
I can't make any promises or anything but all I can tell you is that I'll be off for awhile MORE, sorry guys I really miss you so much but I gotta better me and my dang soul lol ^^ but really!!! but the goodnews is that i'll try and more and likely be on only to check pm's and replying on them so pm if you wanna know what's up or something ok ^^ and don't forget to let me KNOW, HOW YOU ARE, AND HOW'S IT GOING!!!
*HUG YOU VERY TIGHT* I really wanna know how things are going and how you are ok!!! ^^

thanks for the slap, back in to reality Driffter ^^ thanks, and you could never lose my friendship b/c of what you wrote!!! you where right!!! and I've know that for a long time that I have to change things and heal and just fix my life but it's hard when people in your family really need you and there sick or start crying b/c they need you and then guilt you out. I love my family deeply but there's times when... I just feel like strangling them all. lol ^^ really!!!

here's a poem I wrote, well I'll put up two. have a good one and I really do hope to see or read from you from now and again. and I swear I'll be back for good sooner then later ok! I promise!!! *hugs you so tight!!!* I love you guys!

and colleen, I'm really, really sorry about today, it was me the whole time! forgive me and I'm sorry about your sister! *hugs you* I'm sorry!


short poems that I never finished

I remain silent like a night breeze in the wind, as my true love walks to them. He smiles and blows me a kiss, as he disappears in the foggy blue mist.


So I shall remain silent like the night air breeze, only brushing carelessly against your skin, so that I may come from time to time with every breeze that comes by… only to let you know that I am here in the cold night air breeze.



today is one in many...
maybe one day I'll see what it is to be alive again, and maybe one day I'll finally believe in life and love, oneday I'll see inside myself and awaken from my dark slumber, or maybe that far away day, will just never come... I see a world inside an empty box today, and outside that box a person is there, a stupid girl thinking less of herself, all the while being alone and thinking she's got it worse. that girl is helpful and a great person to love, yet she hates herself and wants nobody inside that box, to ever love her! she feels as if she's let down the world... a world she has yet to even face. but even though she may feel that way, there's always the ones who have it worse within that box. so she climbs an unclimb-able moutain, where her true anwsers and questions lie at top. and even though it seems like she's getting higher, she's still stuck and frozen in place below.
she may cry and have pains of her own like others, but who else doesn't have or feel them too. she just wants to be love yet forgotten, so that her suicide will be unmorned. she feels as if her problems are nothing, so she smacks and hits herself to sleep. she has no idea of why she's hurting, but all she knows is that she feels. she has problems like everyone else and we all have to go on and move forward with or without them, but even though she feel like she is, she's still stuck and locked within a timeless box, of no hope's and no bedtime good dreams. so maybe on day she's finally wake up, and realize she's just a fool. a fool with nothing but stupid problems that never meant anything. so until that day comes upon her, she's still fight and hang on for dear life, but until or if the day ever comes, she's be slowly dying and hoping for the worst!

a poem by yours truly hollow eyes!!!
inspired by you all!!! ^^

and my fave poem: in the depths of my heart

In the depths of my heart lies an unforgotten secret, a secret of broken hearts and pain. Torn feeling of sadness and a lost love forever gone yet always trapped within. With a sense of regret fading, but never far from my pain, a love that was once ignited by hope, that came from your face. You placed your hand within mine and brushed your fingers against my skin. You always knew how to love me, in ever single way, and you always held back within, so your heart would never again break. You held my heart in the palms of your hands and you torn it from my chest. You said that love was just a word and I thought you just needed time to mead. Yet I found out how much love could hurt me and how much it’ll never mend my broken pains. I found my love at age 15 and knew it was him before it all began. His love was never mine to give, and he broke my stupid naïve heart. His heart belonged to another, yet that girl torn his heart to pieces and into shreds. But somehow he still loved her, and wanted nothing more then to beg. I tried to love him, and convince him that I was the one. But still his heart belonged to that heartless bitch. So how could I tell him that my love would never hurt him, and that I would always be with him, but before I could show and tell him, he began lying to me instead. He broke my heart several times and still I loved that heartless guy, but still I kept hoping he’d change and so no matter how many times my heart was exposed, he’d end up breaking it without a single heartfelt care. So please help me mend my broken heart, from every time and again it was broken, while he made me hollow from within. I hope that rubs off on him, and he feels what I feel. To the ones who love me and wished I left his sorry ass, I love and cherish them instead, and to the ones who were there to hold me, and lift me up when my heart was torn inside out. I cry and lean on their shoulders while wishing I could save him from his pain, and I wished every night that I could heal him, and mend his heart broken pains. But you could only take so much before you break and never feel again, so I left him there to wallow away until he choose me, instead of the pain. In the depths of my heart lies a secret, a secret I’ll never forget. And that secret is a man I once loved, and now he’s just a myth.

L8ter guys,
and I am ok, but soon to be getting even better! ^^ see ya around!

Hollow eyes, forever inside your hearts, but needing time to find her lost forsaken heart.

lol bye guys! *smiles and hugs you while waving*
L8ter.
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