Friday, July 20, 2007

   Smiling & Laughing day... IT'S JOKE DAY!!!
Enjoy the jokes!



I dedicate this joke to my buddy killerbiscuit999



KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

(Actual AP headline)


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Palm Springs, CA, was visiting
her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been
shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.


Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.





An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.



Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.
Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" or "Sex Lessons"

7. Finish All Your sentences with
"In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends
You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
'Rock Bottom'.

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."




a boy's first time


A boy's first time. A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go
out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he
has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some
condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &the pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time &
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where
the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows
his
head.
A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer. with his head
down. 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over
& whispers to the boy friend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The
boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."**********************



*THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY**


**M**y tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

**--------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------**

**I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


**As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

**####################################################**

**Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************


**Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in **Tennessee**, Kentucky & West **Virginia**)

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.
__________________________________

**We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

___________________________________

**I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

___________________________________

**Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

_________________________________

**Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

**)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))*


I hope you have many laughs and a good time. lol
L8ter,

hollow
"It's better to fight for love then to die at the hands of a broken heart"
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