Thursday, June 8, 2006

   Feelings, why won't they ever go away!!!!!
I feel as if theirs a part of me missing, a piece of my soul that no longer wants to be me!!!! like theirs a heavy feeling of someone or some unknown object sitting on my heart and causing pain again!!! I hate to feel this way but I always do, like a family member that keeps putting you down but it's in side of me!!! and how can you fight something thats well, it's you, inside of you!!! most of the time I just hate living a lie this mask I hide behind to fake my true feelings but every where I go or who ever I meet it's always the same!!! No one cares, so why should I care about making myself happy or feeling it either way!!! no matter what, I will still feel low and the darkness that was clam will just creeps on back into my heart!!! just like the saying goes: why be happy when sadness and all dark and depressing of that sort, is just around the corner to crush you!!!

ppl say they have 2 sides of themselves, or two personalities!!! I have three!!!

My sides of personality
It's hard to explain my feelings and how I feel so I'll try the best I can!!!

1.)I feel empty inside and at times I feel nothing for myself and others in pain and Hate everything around me including myself!!!
I'm hollow... and it scares me!!!
2.)depression and sadness overtakes me and I'm faced with so much pain it's over bearing and I try to seek an escape from the dark place!!!
3.)and this is My caring and feeling side, I seek hope and a life of happyness for myself and others. I feel like an alien and i'm lost from what I feeling and how the world seems to think they know me!!!

And that's why I'm usually telling ppl I'm having a mixed emotion type of day, I don't know yet, or okay I guess!!! b/c most of the time I don't even know how I am or feel!!! b/c I'm in this single body with Lots of feelings that I donb't even know where they came from and others I just pled to go away but they don't!!!

I'm confusing and I hate myself, literally hate being me and sometimes want to take that plug in to darkness and slit my wrists and be done with life!!! I hate it and I ask god why am I here, but I feel as if to be punished for former life sins and travesties I commited and have done!!! but mostly I think it's from my younger experiances and wrong doing that's got me to bear this fate of JUST feeling to much pain that it's killing me little by little til it makes me... well what I did last month in the first week!!! deceiver you may not have known this but I slit my wrists about 17 to 18 times!!! I wanted to die and when I cut my wrist I felt nothing!!! I just kepted on cutting and cutting!!! but it would have been a Lot worse if the blade I used wasn't dull and not shape enough!!! it still cut but not really deep like how hard I was pushing it against my skin!!! I'm sorry, but I couldn't take life any more and I wanted out!!! no one was their for me and I was forced to leave the site and delete myself from it!!! It was other things that had happened that day that made me do it and even though it has healed, I'll have scars to remember that day as if it was only yesterday that I only cut myself!!!

I'm so sorry if I wrote to much, I just felt like getting that off my chest and even though I probably won't have a lot of comments... I at least got a peice of my frozen cold heart to melted melt away and some of the pain along with it!!! I got to go, g2g!!!

silly me depression is only for happy beautiful girls!!! so why am I depressed, let me think, b/c uglyness is just down my alley way and b/c I am ugly!!! so their for I am depressed :Hollow eyes my saying...


L8ter/see ya around, maybe!!!








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