Thursday, June 15, 2006

   The shadows of her life no longer exist as her past
Hey guys, I'm having a crappy, lonely, hurt felt day!!! but I'm happy sort of toooooo!!! well as you see I have a current song and it's Inuyasha_dearest... and I feel how the songs displaying it's emotions and feelings!!! lonely, can't escape from the pain, but hopes along the way, but the ache will never go away... and that's how i feel!!!

today I'm alone again and it's lonely... it's weird b/c in my house my whole life i've had seven members in the house including myself and it's just empty, dark, and lonely by myself!!! but in a way I like it b/c it's who I am suppost to be alone!!! I know that's bad to say but all my life I've feel alone and like I was meant to be also!!! and I feel home along with just waiting for the yelling and screaming of the household to explode in volumes from sis's and my bro!!! yeah I have 5 sisters and only one brother, and I feel more like a boy then a sister or a girl... yeah I'm a tomboy!!! it's probably b/c I was raised a boy in lifting heavy stuff, digging hole, planting, doing the outside work more then I would do the inside... and feeling kewl around my brother when he was still around!!! he left at age 16 and I was 13 and that's when I needed him the most and he wasn't their... everyone else had him around except me and they say things they wished they had but they had the one thing I wanted my brother and they spent years with him that I lost without him... I wish so many things but I wish I couls have had him around when I needed him and after he left that's when things got worse and bad... the yelling, slaps, hands raising, belt flying, bullshit came back... and I tryed to stop it and I just couldn't... so many things I hate about life and myself but even more things are the things I could have done, did better, or stop those off and on 6 years... not to mention the years before he didn't leave!!! and I blame my self for those!!!

Man, I said alot!!! and some stuff I didnt want to say... ahhhhh, well don't feel sorry for me!!! b/c I believe I deserved all of his bullshit and more... I don't even know why I wrote this, it just came out like if I would say it suddenly out of no where... Ill write the story tomorrow, I just don't feel so good today and not to mention the big fire a block away from are house that happened yesterday!!! someone lit their car on fire and left it in the desert to catch fire I guess but a firetruck came out to put it out... and in the morning down ar road an ambulance came to one of are neibors houses and such!!! it's weird, everythings going out of whacked and what do you know, maybe something will happen at my house!!! well I'm not trying to scare you guys in worrying about me I worried too, but things around my neiborhood are just strange and.... I don't know out of place and different... well I'm alright I just had to... I don't know for sure I'm so confused about things and where I'm going in life that I'm not sure I even have a life... and I'm kinda scared and worried about things that don't matter anymore... and I'm catching myself wondering if I even matter anymore or at least to myself!!! I'm making no sense but I fel like I am... I got ot go!!! things are just changing and.... I don't know just weird for me right now and I'm having a hard time dealing with it right now... I'm lost and it's sort of alright for me to be... I don't know why but I'm clouded with past feelings that hurt but give me comfort at the same time!!! it's weird, like their both fighting each other to hurt me or relive something and I'm feeling both but both no fully... am I even making sense???? strange how life can turn on you and confuse you!!! I'm left behind in a way aren't I!?! I g2g....


L8ter, and I'm sorry if I'm making no sense and acting strange in a way!!!bye....
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