Sunday, December 31, 2006

   Hi... *but with a sad but puzzled look on face*
hi guys!!! I hope your christmas and... well your new years has and will be A THRILLING NEW EXPERIANCE!!! I'm sorry I haven't been on in a while I meant to be but couldn't and never was able to get on... a lot of things have been happening and I'm finding myself second guessing myself and things and I'm thinking about leaving myotaku... I don't know it's just I feel like my life isn't that important to write down anymore and my stories, their not good enough for putting on anymore... I think you all are just trying not to hurt my feeling by saying that it's bad or something... I don't know... I'm just a a point in my life where I have to stop pretending my lifes ok and come to the hard truth and facts that it isn't and face them and it!!!

maybe I'm just setting myself up to fall again and being so idoitic and dumb to really figure out that life isn't so wonderful on the outside that I see it is... and what i mean by that is nature, wind, rain, stormy weather, clouds, moonlit nights full of stars and sunsets with red, purple, blue, dark blue and other wonderful and so BEATUIFUL COLORS that it has me sighing b/c I wish I was apart of it, that it could last forever... I'm just in one of my crazy and depressing moods again I think or maybe I'm just finding myself hating life even more then I did before and wanting to erase it from me...

I'm sorry for the sad and probably depressing post for you guys it's just I'm letting you guys know what's up and how I feel... I'm being honest and hope I don't worry any of you...

my christmas was alright, I got a box of tissues (puffs) I actually guessed them before opening it!!! it was crazy, I got a heater earlier from my sister to use, a bath soap set, candy, a nail kit (I don't really have nails but loved it anyways), slippers, and ear phones!!! we made tamales the night before and I got sick from eating them and my aunts food at are christmas thingy!!! it was pretty cool!!! are christmas day too!!!
well my moms still doing ok but I'm still worried, she's stressed out all the time b/c of work, and us!!! I just hope she will over come this... we're going to go to the doctors soon and see what's up!!! she still can't feel her left side (it's numb) and she's still having trouble walking but is ok... she just scares me from time to time... her legs start shaking, sometimes she grabs really, and I MEAN REALLY HOT THINGS AND doesn't even feel it... I'm just scared... stressed out and having so much pressure put up on me that I feel like I'm going to explode... no one understands!!! I means I take care of my mom, worry about her, she if she's ok, make her food, thanks god she can eat it and I worry about her swallowing it b/c when she was in the hopital she was swallowing water down the wrong throat pipe and into her lungs... god, no one understands how much worry and fear I'm keeping inside... sometimes I feel like she gone already... or like she will be tomorrow and the way she talks, it's like she wants to die... she's so independent, she was and it's killing her to have to be pushed everywhere she wants to go, she can't walk their anymore like she use to, and it's just killing her you can see it and that hurts me, it's like someones punching me in the gut or my chest is caving in from all the pain i'm feeling and wants it to stop by closing/sufficating me/myself from the pain but it's only making it worse.....
I just feel alone here... here with all this painful thinking and worry for my mother... it's like no one here even cares or worries about her like I do... I feel like I'm facing something so strong that I can't even see I'm losing b/c i'm clouded by grief and worry that I can't see I'm losing... that i'm losing everything... I just don't know what to do anymore guys!!! I don't...............

I'll try to get on tomorrow if I can but doubt I'll be able to... my sis will be on... thanks for listening... well reading actually!!! thanks guys I really appreciate it!!! Have a great new years and don't party to hard!!! :)'s
I haven't finished the 3 chapter yet but I'm close ok!!!

L8terz,

~hollow~ *Hugs you and reads you a bed time story about how dreams DO, really come true and then kisses you on the forehead and says goodnite* ZZZzzz

Time: 1:10am
Mood: tired and confused about things
Thinking: what tomorrow will bring
Listening to: silence

nite...ZZZzzzZZZzzz XOXO....
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