Monday, January 8, 2007

   Hey guys.......
sorry i haven't been on lately...
things just haven't been going well for me that's all... yesterday was cool though... I wake up at 4:30am rode in the back freezing me ass off, and waiting around, laughing, and being patient with my mom as she had to work for a "guy" who I know, was sick and couldn't come in today... my mom had a stroke of christ sake and their acting like she just got off of having some sort of illness like the flu or something and putting her back to work... that right there just pisses me the hell off!!! she hasn't seen a doctor yet sence her stroke and can't b/c she has to have a bullshit medical care assisstant bs and so on... and then they tell her some more bs...
it's like if the goverment can't find a way to screw you over the doctors and job and JUST PEOPLE, DO!!!!! that's life for you anyways and another...
she worked for 11 hours and even if I seemed ok with it all to everyone else I was clenching my fist in anger towards this company and everyone and thing it stands for... all my life my mom spent mom of are childhood at this restrant and slaving away doing everything for them... she's the manger and everyother position there when employies decide to call in sick... they were her other family... the ones she spent most of her days with and talk to, while coming home and ignoring me with everyone else surrounding her with their life stories and such... I come from a big family and I was always the last to have a chance to talk to her and ignored the most... you think you know what being alone is try living in my shoes... I fauled at mostly everything in my life but when I really tryied to show my mom I was trying and got a's and b's for the first time in my life, I was happy proud of myself for actually getting up that high (I usually got f's d's but mostly c's and d's) but I tried and you know what I got... noting... no one cared enough to even pat me on the back or say good job... so for my entire life I sat back alone ignored and let others talk and order me around to do launder, dishes, make dinner, clean the house, and bit by bit and situation by situation my family fell apart and left me and my little sis even lonelyer then ever... my so called father took them all away from me and through them out... I blame myself for their hardships inlife everyday and beat myself up as well... but they all turned out ok, happy or semi-ok... but the hatred and anger remains inside me... my father was a violent man and frequently hit us, my mother, my FAMILY!!! and no matter how much he tries to be the good guy now, the memories and hatred never leaves you even from so many year enduring it... it's been about 2 to maybe 3 years maybe longer he hasn't hit anyone of us or my mother but the fear, anger, hate and memories never leave you...

I don't know why I'm writing this and I can't bring myself to delete it... I guess I'm just a stupid person who trusts the world so much even though it's hurt me more then I can count... I guess it hurts you to the point not caring anymore and leaves you hollow and empty from all it's love and care you once had out of you... and I feel hollow, numb, empty, alone, hatred for never having a life my family should have had... not me!!! my FAMILY!!!!!!!!

I don't really care for myself, in my case I deserved everything he gave me... but not them!!! NEVER THEM!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could take it all back, but you can't, you just have to live with it and hope it doesn't eat you up inside...

venting.....
nite and sleep tight,

Hollow~
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