Thursday, April 17, 2008

   Another Update On My Life
wow! i just realized that i havent been on here in forever and i have alot to catch everybody up on. i got my learners two weeks ago and now i just have to talk my mom into taking me driving so i can learn. my birthday is coming up in 6 days and i will be turning 17... but even though my life may seem like its going great there are some downsides too. i lost the love of my life. no he didnt die but he's outta my life forever. i screwed up really bad and now he's moved on and he wont even talk to me. im nothing without him. i just wish he knew how much i love him. i guess he's better off without me but i still need him. and i know that there are other guys out there and all but i only want him. i've been asked out by a few other guys recently but i turn them down everytime. i just cant see myself with anyone else. maybe he will decide that he needs me too one day but i highly doubt that will happen. and i havent seen my brother in forever. he still lives in helen on the river but my mom doesnt like driving that far just to see him exspecially with how high the gas prices have been getting.i have a ton of friends but i feel so alone. and also i've gotten into my old habbit again. i used to cut myself and here lately it seems like that's the only way to get my pain out and make myself feel better. i dont do the suicidal cutting. i cut on my sholders so that no one will see the marks and so i dont end up killing myself. i cant help it. its like when i cut myself the pain that i have burried can come to the surface and i feel peaceful. but it only works for a little while. the whole time i was with my baby i was so happy and i went the hole 6 months without cutting. but now that were appart i feel so lost and alone and im scared to lets anyone get anywhere near my heart. plus my best friend is mad at me. she sent me a message over myspace and it said something like we're not as close as we used to be and she hasnt said a single word to me since then. wow i didnt realize how much i've typed. and im not done.for some reason i like typing out my feelings. its like im lifting the burden off my sholders and i can finally share how i feel with the world. i've made myotaku my new personal journal. normally i wouldnt but i know that no one actually reads the stuff i type so i dont have to worry about people finding out. and im gonna look for some computer games now to help pass the time and maybe if i play a game it will help me stop thinking about my baby for a few minutes but i highly doubt i will ever stop thinking about him. and if there is someone out there that has been reading what i type or even read this one post i would just like to say thank you. im sure i dont know you but its nice to know that someone still has compasion for others.
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