Wednesday, January 2, 2008

   Sorry...my rantings/some odd comparisons to Harry Potter...
I just had to type out my feelings. I love her so much. Even when I think of her name, my stomach goes crazy and my eyes start welling with tears. I’ve never loved anyone this much. I go insane every time that I see her and know that it will be months upon months until I see her beautiful face. And I have to worry about stupid guys stealing her away...I wish that we could just be happy. Together.

I think she loves me. It makes sense. I was there for her so much last year, and I try my best to even be this year...even though facebook and the phone aren’t good enough substitutes for a cuddle session on my bed waiting to watch Tim and Eric.

To Tim:

I love you. And even though this note is addressed to “Tim,” I’m really being serious. I just can’t let myself because my mind and heart are working against each other. That is so cliché. Oh ho, that is so cliché. You’re allowed to hit me for that one.

Love Eric

Why is it this easy to type? Why not to speak? No, I’m lying, aren’t I. It’s even difficult to type this shit up. Fuck that. It’s not shit, it’s the truth. And that is not shit. It’s true undying feelings from the dark passageways of my heart that very few people are allowed into. Less and less each day.

I love barbies. And my sister. And Chloie.

I thought that my sister and Chloie were the only ones with this access part of my heart. Chloie especially. The part that opens up on any occasion that we come across each other. I thought that once I was gone from Mia, I’d miss her, but I’d probably get over it, and when we saw each other, it might be awkward. But for some reason, my heart says having two best friends is okay.

I’m sorry Nicole. I’m sorry Courtney. You get this place in a lesser degree. You don’t reduce me to tears every time I think of our memories. I’m sorry. I really am, you mean a lot to me, but apparently 3c and Mia/Chelsea or Chelsea/Mia (which ever slash pairing I hope it turns out to be) mean quite a bit more.

I feel like awful.

I have Sheska and Winry smiling at me with big beautiful eyes. And all I can think about are Mia’s eyes. And my own. Sheska has Mia’s eyes. I have Winry’s. This is ridiculous. Why is everything related to us? Why do I sit here and cry about someone that I’m to cowardly to ever ask what their true feelings are?

I should never be a Gryffindor. I am a coward. But I guess that’s why I’m in Ravenclaw? Because I’m too wise to be honest? I don’t know...maybe I should be a Hufflepuff. They seem like the people to act on impulse. On love.

Hufflepuff always gets bashed, but if that’s their true demenor...then all you bashers have no souls. We should be begging to follow in Helga Hufflepuff’s glorious footsteps. Gloriious...haha. Makes me think of an old Vash/Vixie lemon.

That cheered me up a little.

Then I read what I wrote and got brought back crashing down. God, if I ever need a raw emotion paper for next semester...this might be it. I mean, bottled up lesbian tendencies = lots of emotion. But I’m not typing this out for school benefit. It’s supposed to be for me.

I hate men. I hate hate hate them. They all want the same damn shit. And I hate them for it. That’s not my reason for loving Mia. I’ve dated guys before and during my lovely obsession with her. I tried to get away...but is love truly that strong of a force? It must be, that’s all I can say, it must be.

Dear God:

I rarely pray to you. Especially since you hate gay people. But truth will out, right? I really think I know the truth and please, don’t let Mia settle on some guy her mom teaches. That’s lame. She deserves better. Even if it’s in secret.

She deserves me.

You know who it’s from.

The tears are gone. The Harry Potter DVD is sitting next to me. A whole internet full of Snarry awaits my 4:30 a.m. boredom-filled-self. I don’t even want to try. I’ll just get a creepy guy on a Potter chat from Purdue wanting to facebook me.

Never again internet like that.

I need a hobby. I’m going to start reading, typing, drawing anime again.

And I’m going to try to follow a bit in Godric’s footsteps.

Happy New Year.
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