Monday, February 14, 2005

My pain... (All My Otaku ppl here please read)
:I lived my life in vain, and that for me is the most painful thing in my life...:

I feel so.....so hurt. Valentine's Day...a day that will always hurt me...

Everyone wants to feel that same emotion, that desire to hold someone close and say "I love you". But it hurts you the most when that person is not there....only just a blank space in your life that you may never have. That is the ultimate pain of them all... And i felt that pain. It eats you alive. *sighs* I then realized something... I feel like i lived my life in vain.

:Mixed Emotions:

I see everyone and i see all these things that i was so idiotic to ignore. I feel worse when it comes to what i did here at Townview. I feel like a moron because of what i could not do earlier in my life, i feel so moronic to ignore and be misunderstanding of my own faults. Do you all know how that feels? .........Painful.........Like as if you want to just go back in time and fix all the wrong and make it all right, but you can't. I want to change for myself physically and mentally and i couldn't even do that. I COULDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING AT ALL!! DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT KIND OF HATE I FEEL FOR ALL THIS!!!!??? The hate that makes you want to throw everything around and hit the wall repeatedly. The hate that hurts your heart and makes you want to cry endless amounts of tears. I really want to cry just once, i don't care where and what, i just want to..... But i can't even do that.

I wish i could walk up to those i hurt and say i am sorry and i care for them as well, i want to yell at those that i have hate for, i want to run away from this place and everyone....i want forgiveness for my own foolishness and ignorance.

I want a better future for myself...but i may not have what i want. Everyone else will, i will only stay here to wither and suffer of my own madness that i created myself. I want to be stronger...but i can't even walk without someone or something pushing me back from what i want. I want to have my own happiness...but sadness is the only haven for me. I want my own chapter in history, but that chapter was already torn away. I want freedom, but all i have is losses of it. I want to enjoy life...but i can't even do anything at all in this hell hole. I want love...but i always leave it be. I want to try harder...but even if i do, it is not good enough.

What is wrong with me? Why am i like this? Why can't i fix these wounds of the past and move on? Why does this bother me so? What can i do to heal what is occuring now?

Life is so unfair...

It feels like no one can hear you at all. You try to speak to someone, but they won't hear you at all. You try to show your view of things and it all gets demolished by another's.

My question is... What can I do now?

Please My Otaku ppl here. What is your advise here. I would love for some people here to express your own feelings for what i am experiencing at this time. Because silence is worse than hurting someone...

Here is a pic of me in photoshop.

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