Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Self Interrogation

WHO ARE YOU? I am Becky. WHO ARE YOU? I am Rebecca Anne. WHO ARE YOU? I am a human. I live alone in my mind. I dread the sun. I hate the cold. I long for darkness. I move towards the light. I am the ultimate hypocrite. I am a human being. WHAT ARE YOU? I am a living creature. No better then bacteria. No worse then the whale. I kill others to live. Whither it be plants or animals, viruses or bugs, I kill them all to keep my belly full, my body clean. I live life murdering others, yet I go unpunished. Murderers are put to death, I have not been. Or have I… when I am no longer, won’t the bacteria feast on my decaying body? Won’t one starving creature feed on my flesh…me, a great all-you-can-eat-buffet? WHY DO YOU LIVE? I live because that is what I am programmed to do. My parents taught me to eat, to sleep, to clean, to live. I live because they want me to live. I live because in some small part of my brain, I want to live. WHY? Like all living things, I fear death. WHY? Because no one knows what happens when you die… when I die. No one has ever come back from death to tell us what it was like. What if death is worse then life? But what if it is better? No one knows. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE UNKNOWN? Yes. I am deeply terrified. But I also wish to know. I would die just to have the knowledge of what those before me know. I would take my life and give it without a second thought. WHY DON’T YOU? I tell myself that it’s because of my loved ones. I convince myself that without me around they would die themselves or become crazy or put away. I tell myself that my dog, Maddie, would…could not survive without me in her life. But I do not because I am afraid to take those last few steps. The last steps to death. To knock upon his door and enter with glee. I am scared of it. WHY TRY TO MAKE IT THEM THAT NEED YOU, INSTEAD OF YOU WHO NEED THEM? The human nature is to make oneself more important then others. Therefore without my commanding presence in their lives, they would break. They would…could not go on. But if they know that it was them I needed to stay alive, might they not hold it to their advantage? Might they not use me and all I hold dear to get what they want? No, it’s better to hold my own council on these matters. THEN YOU WILL DIE. As will everyone. Age is the highest cause of death. Eventually we all go as one through the doorway. No one comes back through. The one’s that say they have, never even cleared the frame. WHO ARE YOU? I am Rebecca Anne. I am me. I am one unto one’s self. I am a single entity in the mass of humanity. I am one with the mass of humanity. I am a single drop of water in the ocean. I am everything, but nothing. I am Rebecca Anne. I am Becky. I choose to live. I will choose to die. I would know all the secrets of the world, of the other worlds if you’ll let me. I am a mass of tissues and flesh. I am billions upon billions upon billions of atoms. They make up me. Without them I would not be me. I would not live. I could not die. All this I know. But I still don’t know who I am.

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Thursday, April 15, 2004

Hopeless

I know I should just shut down for the night. Turn the computer off and pick up one of the books I'm reading right now. I don't sleep, sometimes I pass out, but I never sleep. Once I got some medication for that, but I would get nightmares. So I stopped taking them, stupid sleeping pills. I don't want to sleep that desperately, thanks all the same. Sitting here, listening to Slipknot. I think I'll take it out of the CD player soon; it is boring the hell out of me. Maybe I should put in The Suicide Machines, or perhaps some George Carlin. Yeah, that sounds good, I always enjoyed Carlin. A few days ago, I got into a fistfight. So I have a rather nasty bruise on my left cheek. You should have seen what I did to the guy. Heh, he looks like a pick-up ran over his face. Normally I'm not violent enough to do this to someone, but I've been rather stressed lately. Some serious family problems. Not stupid ones about who does what around the house. My Mother was just diagnosed with Lupus (I sounded it out, so that is not spelt correctly). This disease is killing her. Now add that to her Epilepsy, Fiber Mialgia, and Seizures. A guaranteed fun time for everyone. The next asshole that complains about how rotten his/her life is going to get put in the fucking hospital. I know for a fact that their biggest problems are no big deal. Morons. I'll give them something to complain about. Somehow life just doesn't seem worth it. I watch my Mother struggle through this shit, and wonder why she does. Then I wonder how weak I must be; if I had half of her problems, then I would probably kill myself. Hell, I want to do that right now. But just thinking about Mom makes me feel guilty. She would never trade her life for mine, mostly because she wouldn't want to inflict her pain upon me. Is it any wonder why I can't sleep? I have far too much on my mind to fall asleep. I read, don't want to think. Turn the light out, then my mind kicks into overdrive. What if she doesn't wake up? What if I never get to tell her how I feel? I know what I want to say, but I can't form the fucking words. Mind is ablaze, even though I know she will be around for a little while longer, I can't stop thinking about it. I go to work/school and can't think about what I'm supposed to be doing. Mom is always on my mind. Damn it.

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Is this all I am?

No Don't You don't know what you're saying Stop Pointless to argue Needs to end End to everything End to life To love To worry To aggravation Stop it Forget this Not worth the cost What do I do What can I do Why won't you stop? Can't you listen? Talk Scream Fight All the same meaning Nothing changes Nothing ends If I leave If I die Will this stop? Will they stop? Are they deaf to my words? My pleas? My tears? Are they blind To my torment? Stop Pointless Meaningless Stop Now Can't Won't Refuse Insanity knocks Asks for entry Let it in? Shut it out? Does it already have a key? Ignorant Always crying Always sad Blood runs Down my arm Every night Who cares Nobody Will I stop Does anyone care No No one cares You mean nothing Everyone is everything You are less then the dirt under fingernails Who's Theirs Will they scrape me out From where I lie Will I stay Forever Will I crawl out myself Stop Don't do that Does not mean anything You are nothing Less then nothing Alone Crying Sobbing Alone No one cares No one listens You are on your own Always Alone Save yourself Let yourself die Your choice Alone Do I stay? Will they stop? When will my heart stop beating Why doesn't it beat through my chest And kill me Do I die Alone Will I die Alone Always and forever more Alone Everyone means everything You mean nothing To everyone Nobody helps They all scream Profanities At my prone body Mind is in constant state of unrest Trying to save What is already dead Died so long ago That everyone forgot Your name Hey you Chick with the long hair Never my name My name is forgotten I remember Rebecca right? Becky? Bex? Revkah? No I forgot So insignificant that I forgot myself I don't exist This body Runs itself Autopilot Eat Drink Never sleep Sleep is too close to Death Death Alone Die a lonely death Sad Pathetic Waste of flesh Will the worms and rats Feast on my flesh? Will I know? Will I enjoy it Because something knows I exist? Or did As a meal Not worth the memory Not worth a grave Will I rot Will I crumble to dust Will the wind blow my corpse away? No one will care And the arguments They will continue Because I was there But not there Body but not mind Autopilot Mind is dead Argue with a dead mind Result will always be the same Alone Body and mind Alone Cry into the darkness Trapped in my mind Which is dead So I am dead Always They are alive They make living noises Shouting Screaming Talking Laughing I don't make these I don't try Pointless Don't conform Can't conform Already dead Just a corpse Eating Drinking Never sleeping Sleep resembles death Everybody is everything I am death I cause death Within myself Dead Killed By myself? By them? I don't care Never did Can't care Emotions killed too Crying Sobbing In the darkness of a dead mind The dead can't cry They can't do anything But you do So you aren’t dead Logic No point Stop No talking No screaming No fighting The headaches are dead I killed them With my dead mind Death is contagious Soon this body will follow But no one will care Everyone is everything But I am nothing And nothing is me So everything I was Could be Wished to become Is nothing To everyone Even myself Screaming Yelling Stop I will stop this I can't stop you But I can stop my ears from hearing you Ears are part of this body On autopilot In my dead mind I will take control Of this hollow shell And destroy Kill Erase All memory of the happy child Who was bullied And taunted Teased for no reason For every reason Destroy what I was What I am What I could become I will take control Of the only thing I can My life is out of my hands But my death is not Blood runs down my arm Collects at my finger tips Drips to the floor Dries and blends in with the floor I will be as nothing The nothing that fills this life Excuse for a life Life is not my friend Death will be Promises eternal rest Quiet Peace Longing for that with my dead mind So this corpse I once was Will destroy itself And I will be free To escape The torments The abuse Everything that everyone is And I am not.

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Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Random nature stuff

Everyone has seen that really cute picture of a mother giraffe kissing her newborn baby. That was not a kiss. She was probably licking off the birth fluids and the after-birth. Not so pleasant. The mothers do this because the after birth is filled with highly nutritious birth lining; the sac in which the baby was confined until birth. The mother would have been hungry and exhausted, from the (sometimes) days long birth. And the after-birth was convenient. Now me, I don’t care one-way or the other. But the popular belief is that that was a kiss. I’ve been told a multitude of times how cute and adorable the moment was. At this point my imagination takes over and I can have the slurping sound of that slimy sac being eaten. I retch a little bit. Nasty. Then no one can understand why I make that disgusted face I have. Maybe I watch too many animal shows. Great, now I’ve got coral on my mind. Did you know that one corral can stretch out for several miles? Did you know that coral is a living creature? Made up of living creatures? Coral reproduces in an odd way. On one night a year, the male and female coral release clouds of sperm and eggs. Then it’s the luck of the draw. There could be billions upon billions of these things released. The fish and shellfish like it; free food.

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Sunday, April 4, 2004

Story time

Blinding red light illuminated the small cell. A girl stood dead center of the cage. She wore faded clothing; they had once been bright and full of life, but this place THIS PLACE had drained them of spirit. The child just watched the DOOR, it would open, it would! She stood deaf to the screams and cries of the OTHERS. The cells around her contained the crazy THINGS. They weren’t even people anymore, their minds had gone on permanent vacation. A pale whit face looked through the little window on the DOOR. It grinned, gave her the finger and moved on. Still she waited, waited, waited. Where was Mother? Where was Jacqueline? After the RED liquid had burst from Jacqueline's mouth, she had collapsed. The girl watched this scene play endlessly on in her mind. Jacqueline had collapsed and Mother, Mother slipped on the RED and tumbled down the stone steps that led to the cellar. A face in the window, it UNLOCKED the DOOR. The DOOR creaked as it swung open. "Good morning, Rebecca. Time for your MEDICATION." The small child just waited. The MAN, the GATEKEEPER entered the cage and held up a syringe. "Don't make me call the ORDERLIES, Rebecca. Hold our your arm." She raised her arm and the MAN grabbed it tightly. HE jabbed the syringe into her, but continued to grip her. HE allowed a sneer to twist HIS mouth and ran HIS free hand against her chest. "...no...no..." She moaned and began to pull away. In her mind the RED spewed out Jacqueline's mouth. "Jacqueline..." "That's right, Rebecca, Jacqueline. Remember how the knife slit her open? Remember how your Mother slipped on the blood? Remember?" HE was panting now. It was the work of moments before HE quenched HIS lust. HE pulled HIMSELF up and straightened was crooked. "Remember, Rebecca. That's all you need to do. Remember." With that last word HE chuckled grimly and CLOSED and LOCKED the DOOR. The RED light shone on the child, small and disgraced, lying on the floor. Slowly she rose and faced the DOOR again. Mother and Jacqueline would come. They would UNLOCK the DOOR and take her HOME.

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Sunday, March 28, 2004

Cornered

I find myself in the midst of a dilemma. I have several older male friends (from early 30's to late 40's). My problem is that one of them is in love with me. Bob and I both are members of a group called Civil Air Patrol (the official auxiliary of the Air Force), this is where we met. My cynical and sarcastic nature proved equal to his, and we became friends outside of CAP. We often communicate online and on the phone. I had no problem with this, he is entertaining and can tell great stories. But several months ago he began calling with more frequency, and the amount of time the phone calls lasted rose. He has been telling me that he loves me. Not just sexually (he insists that that is a bonus), but as soul mates. He wants to start a relationship with me. As much as I enjoy his company, I don't want to become involved with him in this way. I told him that. Bob remains undeterred; he won't ask me out anymore, but he always tells me how much I mean to him. He remains convinced that his love for me will induce like feelings in me. I am running out of nice ways of telling him to back off. Hell, I'm running out of mean ways, too. Bob is seriously freaking me out. What if one day he just got so frustrated because of me, that he decided to succumb to his urges? What if he forces me into doing something I don't want to do? There are no simple answers to this. I've looked at it from every angle. I could break ties with him all together, but he will be hurt, and the friendship will be no more. I could give the relationship thing a shot, but I don't feel comfortable doing this. I could just disappear, but this option is not practical. SHIT. How about having a distant relationship? Nope, can't do it as long as I'm a member of CAP. And I can't just quit CAP; I've put too much goddamned work into it. On the same vein, I've got nearly the same thing going on with another of my older male friends. This one is married. I work the same shifts he does at work, so we have gotten to know one another. Ron went to a bar with the kitchen manager a few nights ago, where he told Brad that he loved me. This was before they both got shit-faced. Brad told me yesterday; he seemed to think it was funny. Idiot. With this one, I'm going to ignore what Ron supposedly feels for me. Brad could just be full of shit, but Ron's behavior supports this idea. DAMN. *Musing* If I just deformed my face, would all this shit end? Well, the stares from strangers would stop, but Bob would still bother me. What if I cut off my hair? Wouldn't matter, these eyes would draw them in anyway. I can stop wearing contacts. Then I wouldn't be able to see as well. I could stop wearing tight clothing! All of my clothes are baggy, wouldn't matter. SH-IT. No matter what I do, I'm still trapped. As much as I enjoy guys, they all need to back off.

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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Peircings

I pierced my ears again yesterday. Makes me happy. And no, I didn't get them done with those nail gun things. I pierced them with a big fucking needle, a thimble, and a lighter. The lighter was to kill germs on the needle. This is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of the constant arguments. Today it was about who got to wash the dishes. I was not even involved in this one. Just a spectator. I cannot wait until I leave this hellhole. Anything has got to be better then this. Being a hobo? Bring it on. Going to war overseas? I'm up for the challenge. Working at a deadbeat job for minimum wage? Already doing. I'm sure that life holds more then this. What I wouldn't give to be out of this.

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Monday, March 22, 2004

Something to think about

Here's Space Ghost with SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: Today, boys and girls, put your best foot forward. If you're not sure which of your feet is your best foot, flip a coin or have your feet run a race. When putting your best foot forward, be sure you have the proper footwear. If this requires purchasing new shoes, it's best that you get two: a right one and a left one. And remember, people judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match. Thank you.

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Thursday, March 11, 2004

Peace and Quiet

Both my parents are in Los Vegas. YES!!! There have been no pointless arguments, and no raised voices have echoed around my neighborhood for the past week. The neighbors are thrilled. As amusing as fights about a moldy banana are (trust me, it happened), the quiet is infinitely better. Lately I had an obsession over a guy. Thank God that shit is over. In my own fucked up little way, I thought the two of us would have made a great couple. I now realize that I just wanted to fuck his brains out. So I'm all better now. Well, I still want to mess up his hair, but I'll do that the next time I see him. I am not a slut. I'm just horny. You are too, but you haven't come to terms with your sexual urges. So nobody is going to make a nasty comment about my personal life; believe you me, I can whip out a barb 100 times worse then you can. Besides the fact that any insults you losers throw at me will make me laugh, realize that I don't care. If I did, I certainly wouldn't be posting it where complete strangers have access. Wow. Fun shit.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Jokes

I am a follower of tasteless jokes. They are around to put people in their place. Ha. Enjoy this. THE UGLY BUS A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last chick in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this chick is rolling on the floor, laughing her ass off. Finally, God reaches her and asks her what her wish will be. The chick eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again". I think I'm that last chick. Heh

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