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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
 Damn tired.
I'm getting f****** sick of all the damn jealousy... God! And it's over something that's... pointless (Well, I think it's pointless.. Come on. Being mad becuz a friend is more close and open with other friends? That's pretty pointless if you ask me...) -_- Sheesh, if seeing something like close friendship is painful for you becuz you believe you're not part of it or w/e(when you could have become closer friends in the future but shot that all to hell when jealousy reared its ugly head. You know its not gonna happen when the trust has been broken.), then just ignore us. Cuz no way in hell am I going to change how am I with my friends just so you (One person over many others? I don't think so.) can feel happy.
And F***! I AM NOT A FRIGGIN PRINCESS!! >_<## I don't act like one becuz I know I am not one and I never in my whole life claimed to be one!
-sighs- And I thought friendship, trust and love could withstand anything...
It's no wonder I talk more with Derek and Chris... They don't ever judge you. They get mad but they don't go behind your back and call you things... and they actually listen when you try to tell them things... not that whole "you said this so i'm gonna take it the wrong way and be mad at you" stuff.
I wonder if just closing myself off to everyone other than those that actually like me and are friends will help... I've tried everything else. Talking, running, ignoring, and even letting some people be mad at me hasn't worked... Oh well it's something to think about.
On to other things now even tho I'm still thinking about all the jealousy crap and how to fix it... Ahem...
Tomorrow's my birthday. I'll be 15. Yay! A year older... I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow since no one's said anything yet. ¬¬ But! I don't think I'm gonna be online for it. ^^; You know you just don't want to deal with things on what's supposed to be a happy day for you. Anyways, I have this sneaking suspecion that my family is up to something... o__o; surprise party I bet... <__<; I'm gonna avoid that if it's true. n.n;; I don't like to be surprised... ehehe. You lose your excitement for surprise parties when you've had a bad experience with them. x.x;; er.. not gonna explain that one...
*O__O* Muwahaha!! Jaime (who just called)said he's gonna take me on a shopping spree!! -^___^- Wheeee~!!! We're gonna skip teh school and head for teh mall! <33 *___* Oh yea~ oh yea~! XD Tomorrow will r0><0r5 if that happens! I heard him mention some additions to meh plushiel collection. >__>; -wuffs plushiels very muchies- <3 <3 <3 X3
O.o I only see one prob with this intended shopping spreeage... Who's gonna drive us to the mall?!! O___O XD roflmao! Oh well I bet he's figured it out already...
Ahh.. I love Jaime. He always knows when to make me happy when I'm feeling down. ^_^
Ooo! I better go announce my disappearance for tomorrow... and uh something else too... e.e
Ja all! o.O;
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Monday, March 29, 2004
 Haven't updated this journal with anything written in awhile...
Heh. It wasn't like I didn't have anything to write about... It's just that the things that happened weren't things I could write about in here. -_- No... those were far too personal and open for me to risk getting chewed out over. -sighs- Oh well...
Mmm.. I have nothing to write this time either. I don't want to hurt anyone so I'll just put what I wanted to put and go.
Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
1. Hiding my feelings.
2. Being Defiant. o.O;
3. Closing self off from others.
4. Staying up to late.
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1. Sleep.
2. A good relationship with nii-san.
3. Less owners. X.x
4. The entire collection of either IY, Furuba, YYH, or Hellsing.
Four People That Know You the Best:
1. Kyrstin.
2. Derek.
3. Sarah?
4. Jaime!! lol
Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. Tired.
2. Children...
3. Husband...
4. Freedom.
Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1. Played Wheel of Fortune. Got rank of Superstar. p^o^ Whoo!
2. Set up new Cell Phone.
3. Talked to Eliza.
4. Walked around outside.
Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
1. PLUSHIE GRUNTY!! O_O Much <3333!!!!!!!
2. Hellsing DVD #3
3. Manga - Furuba #2 and Pet Shop of Horrors #3-5
4. CD holder in blue, black and gray.
Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. Welch's Grape Juice.
2. Gatorade.
3. Pepsi.
4. Cha.
Last Song You Sang?
"Yoru no Uta" - CCS's Daidouji Tomoyo's song.
Last Thing You Laughed At?
An IY icon of Ayame's 'Kouga is Mine' Dance. XD rofl!!
Things around your Computer?:
CD holder, CD Cases, CD's, Earphones, Pens/Pencils in a cup, and a lot of other stuff. o.O
What's Under Your Bed?
Nothing... Oo! A dust bunneh!! O_O
Current Longing?
To be free...
Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
Hands?? @_@; I dun know.
Last CD You Bought?
Fallen - Evanescence.
favorite Place To Be?
Outside at night.
If You Could Play An Instrument?
Piano, Violin.
Favorite Color?
Blue tones. Some violet.
Favorite Season?
Winter.
Talk To:
Jaime, Eliza, Derek, Chris, Kyrstin, Sarah, Rach, Jo Beth, Alexis, etc., etc.
Favorite Day?
Friday or Saturday.
Where Would You Like To Go?
Japan, Rest of the USA.
How Many Kids Do You Want?
2... Twins. A girl and a boy.
Favorite Car?
Been into convertibles nowadays. >.>;
A Random Lyric:
"I believe in you, I'll give up everything just to find you"
There. Time for closing off selfness and pretending normalcy. >.>;; Ja!
-hopes to hell she won't get chewed out for that last remark too- x.x
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
 I do way too many quizzes
You are Blue.
Overall you're a pretty content person. At peace
with yourself, you don't tend to over react.
Although at times you can be quite harsh and
cold towards others.
What Color Best Represents Your Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Winter! You are sophisticated and mature. You
have many friends, all of whom you are very
close to. People look up to you, and you are
known for your inifinate wisdom. Although, you
tend to prefer being by yourself, and reading a
good book
which season are you? (anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Your anime hair color is green.
What is your anime hair color?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Heart is Blue
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the cheerful smile,the one that's truly
happy with almost everything you do and would
never cahnge your life.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Guys just love...your smile!
What Do Guys Love About You? (with pics :3)
brought to you by Quizilla
Otaku Level 5
What Stage of Anime Fandom That I Went Through Are You At?
brought to you by Quizilla
Free.. U free to do what ever it is you want.. You
love being out side in the open.. not being
pinned up in a house... You hate being
controlled and you like to take things into
your own hands
What type of girl are you?? ~anime pics~
brought to you by Quizilla
School Girl
.:: What's Your Anime Personalitiy? ::.
brought to you by Quizilla
Goddess of winter, with a cold exterior but deep
down a warm, caring heart.
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Shigure.
Fruits Basket Anime Quix
brought to you by Quizilla
Honda and Otogi
Ah, a classic case of protesting too much. You
bicker like children, but are closer than
rivals should be. You say you hate his guts,
but yet you can't stop from touching the guy.
Now that you've admitted the truth to
yourselves, maybe you can vent that energy used
in your arguing in other areas.
Which Pairing of Yu-gi-oh Bishies are You
brought to you by Quizilla
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I did some more quizzies... -coughs-
O__O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Okay no more quizzies for me... >_>;;;;;;;
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@.@;;; Quizzies?
o___o;;; um.. okay. >_>;;;;;;
O___O GAH! WHATTT?!!!!!!!!!
Yay except for the 56 hrs part. n.n;
um... o.O I have nothing to say. O.o;
-wonders who she fell for- @__@ pretty icon...
O___O QWEE!!! No way! Nuh unh! No no no!! I am not in love with my best friend!!!!!!!! ><
This one made me confuzzled. @_@ I don't get it at all.
Ah hahahahahaha!!!! xD
O.....kay..... >.>;
o-o I... well yea I would probably say that.
Isn't that kind of... romantic? o.O
Uh... yea... <.<;;;;;
OMG ROFLMAO!!! XDDDDDDDDD
And just so you know what happened...
-doesn't stop laughing from last time- XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
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 Really tired
-yawns- ~_~;; ugh. I'm getting really tired of doing that...
Um... Today it snowed... it didn't last long tho. It was all melted by lunchtime. -sighs- It was pretty snow too. it wasn't like the blizzard kind we've been getting earlier. -yawns again- x__x Arg!
-_- I have no idea why I'm sooo... wait, nvm. I do know why I'm tired. Emotional stress... Massive amounts of schoolwork... and a busy, if not chaotic, home life are the reasons for my exhaustion. -doesn't mention anything about her online life- >.>;
-cough- I need a breeeaaakkkk~!!! -falls over and hopes to pass out- n.n
I'm running on empty... dazed... confused and lost. Please someone give me a break. >_O -twitches then changes subject- I hate tests! And school!! And um.. stalkers!!!x.x;; O...kay... I don't know where that last one came from. o.O Looks like I need to stop writing. I'm just babbling about complete nonsense. ehehehe... On that note of delirium. Ja! e.e;
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Tuesday, March 9, 2004
 Massive Indecision
So many things to think over. I'm overwhelmed... and a bit scared. Why did all of these events have to happen all within a day of each other? e.e ugh! I'm blaming the moon... it was full for most of these days. XP
Situation 1:
One small girl. A koorime child of 5 yrs. Her name is Akina. Others have told me she is very kind and is currently looking for her mother.... which may be myself.
Ah... hunh. Her mother's name is Yukina. (Hum..) And even tho that is my own name... am I her mother? Could I be a mother to this child...? -sighs- I know I could be her mother if I chose to... but that is the problem. I don't know if I should chose to have her as my child. Making her mine would affect so many ppl... feelings could be hurt, assumptions will be made and questions will definately be asked. I need to talk to someone before I make a final decision...
((My heart is telling me I want this child... but it is also afraid and in pain... Who would I be able to go to if I need help? Who can I trust to take her ...protect her... if I am in trouble? I don't know...))
Situation 2:
kodomo oyobi watashi no ai ha yoko ga nozomu.
....If you can read that... fine. If not I'm not translating. n.n' It's nothing that should be of concern to anyone.. Merely a desire of mine to say/write it and not have to think of it for much longer.
((x.x I shouldn't have wrote that... I was stupid not to realize that ppl would try to translate it. u.u If I could have I would have used the Kanji instead. -sighs- Now what's done is done and I'll just have to forget it and move on. n.n))
Situation 3:
Akira-chan. Uke. Pet... Friend.
After a bad... 'event' ...concerning some things between him and another friend. ¬¬ -is still kind of pissed about that- I've talked to Akira-chan and learned some new things about him. ^^ We're a bit closer now and I think if no more incidents happen we'll be great friends.
((I'm concerned about some things with akira-chan... He's too much a submissive person to protect himself. If he isn't careful... one day he's really going to get hurt. More than he has been hurt already.))
Situation 4
Family? nii-san, oto, kay-chan... We've all become so distant. Are we a family if we only see each other once in awhile? Speaking to one another at short random times. Never talking of our feelings for each other ...Are we even still a family at all...?
I know I probably keep whining about this... but I don't really care. I miss them so much! Every time I think of them... Where they are, how they're doing... Why they're not here... My heart feels like it's being squeezed hard and I'm unable to breath. It's come to the point where I have to not think of them so I can live on. Even now... I'm trying my hardest not to cry and just focus on breathing normally. I can't.. I have to stop. -.-'
((I don't know what to do.))
Situation 5
Atashi wa Vaan-sama no tsuma... Iie, atashi no shoyuubutsu, kare no dorei... Jiyuu ha atashi ga nozomu monodearu.
-sighs- Again something I felt I needed to write out. Don't bother trying to understand what it says. It isn't that important to any of you... Bleh! XP Although it would be nice if I could figure out how to go about it... ~.~ Hum...
((Why did that feel like I was issuing out a challenge? oO;; Just so everyone knows, I didn't and it wasn't one. e.e Anyways.. really, if anyone asks me to translate that or tries any other ways of finding out what it says... I'm gonna do serious harm to them.))
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Sunday, March 7, 2004
Past & Present, Pleasure & Pain
Hum... my past has come back to haunt me. In the most shocking and terrifying way it could... it was stronger this time... the first time.. it left me so confused and scared. I didn't know what to do... I didn't know anything............ this time.. -sighs-
Evil demented crow... evil... pure evil... pleasure... mixed in with the pain... always touching... 'you're beautiful when you're in pain, covered in such dark lovely red. blood pure and rich flowing smoothly over such pristine innocent skin... so beautiful' always with the touching... hurting... and sickening comments...
Some memories are too horrible to remember when they happen.. you just feel like blocking them from your mind to erase the pain.. get over it... hide from it... somehow stopping it even if for a few moments... until later it comes back to haunt you. Sure those memories should be forgotten so you can move on... but it just doesn't happen that way...
When it happens you remember everything about what happened... even things that were of the tiniest detail... it is etched in your mind so deep that it cannot be forgotten easily if at all. Your only choice at the time is to bury it.. bury it deep inside.. so deep that it cannot be found. Then you go on with life pretending it never happened... knowing deep down it did. Denial.. and terror a combination to keep your silence and memories to yourself...
Until sooner or later.. it comes back. Horrifyingly unexpected... it just sneaks up on you and you're left paralyzed unable to do anything... You're just stuck as you have to re-live the hurt, pain, sadness, and terror all over again. No one can help... even if they tried... you'd be so afraid that you wouldn't want their help.
Past affects the present... and pleasure and pain has a small, thin line dividing it. Memories are frightening things.. and having a strong will can last for only so long....
Pleasure.. pain... 'No! No more... stop... ahh!! Don't... please...' It always starts as a fight of wills... but since it is he who is inflicting the pain.. giving the pleasure.. he wins and breaks you... you no longer care what he does just as long as he does it some more or at least leaves you content... he has trapped you and won...
Later when you are free of him.. If... sometimes you aren't... you are vulnerable... extremely fragile... any person or thing frightens you because you believe it is him... then you are irrational and try to do things that will help you escape... death becomes a tempting offer... suicide seems the only way out from the pain...
Few are lucky to survive meeting the sadistic crow... his pleasure and pain gets you and you are done for... a past with him will forever haunt your present.. there is no escape from it. He's made himself immortal in your memories and in your fears... He's won...
Ja!
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Saturday, March 6, 2004
Such good lyrics...
It's a very appealing song right now. Does that mean I want to die? lose the pain?? find peace...? *sighs* I have no idea.
I know I've run away from my friends... I'm emotional.. and scared. Very scared... Only I don't have a clue why. If asked "is something wrong?" I couldn't tell you.. I don't know... I really don't know the answer. I know something's wrong. I just have no clue what it is. Such a nice appealing song...
Last Resort Lyrics
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Dont give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die pleading
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Chorus:
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish some body would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I never realized I was spread to thin
Till it was to late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love from another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Chorus:
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish some body would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying (4x)
I cant go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I CAN'T GO ON LIVING THIS LIFE
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's alright
I love this song...
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I..I'm...confused....
My heart feels like it's being squeezed really tight... and I can barely breath. I think I might just black out soon. I don't understand... why do I hurt like this? Why am I crying again?? I.. I just don't understand... what is wrong with me! ;-; H-help... someone... there is no one... ahh! >_< There was never anyone... I'll.. just pass out now...
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