Sunday, March 7, 2004

Past & Present, Pleasure & Pain
Hum... my past has come back to haunt me. In the most shocking and terrifying way it could... it was stronger this time... the first time.. it left me so confused and scared. I didn't know what to do... I didn't know anything............ this time.. -sighs-

Evil demented crow... evil... pure evil... pleasure... mixed in with the pain... always touching... 'you're beautiful when you're in pain, covered in such dark lovely red. blood pure and rich flowing smoothly over such pristine innocent skin... so beautiful' always with the touching... hurting... and sickening comments...

Some memories are too horrible to remember when they happen.. you just feel like blocking them from your mind to erase the pain.. get over it... hide from it... somehow stopping it even if for a few moments... until later it comes back to haunt you. Sure those memories should be forgotten so you can move on... but it just doesn't happen that way...

When it happens you remember everything about what happened... even things that were of the tiniest detail... it is etched in your mind so deep that it cannot be forgotten easily if at all. Your only choice at the time is to bury it.. bury it deep inside.. so deep that it cannot be found. Then you go on with life pretending it never happened... knowing deep down it did. Denial.. and terror a combination to keep your silence and memories to yourself...

Until sooner or later.. it comes back. Horrifyingly unexpected... it just sneaks up on you and you're left paralyzed unable to do anything... You're just stuck as you have to re-live the hurt, pain, sadness, and terror all over again. No one can help... even if they tried... you'd be so afraid that you wouldn't want their help.

Past affects the present... and pleasure and pain has a small, thin line dividing it. Memories are frightening things.. and having a strong will can last for only so long....

Pleasure.. pain... 'No! No more... stop... ahh!! Don't... please...' It always starts as a fight of wills... but since it is he who is inflicting the pain.. giving the pleasure.. he wins and breaks you... you no longer care what he does just as long as he does it some more or at least leaves you content... he has trapped you and won...

Later when you are free of him.. If... sometimes you aren't... you are vulnerable... extremely fragile... any person or thing frightens you because you believe it is him... then you are irrational and try to do things that will help you escape... death becomes a tempting offer... suicide seems the only way out from the pain...

Few are lucky to survive meeting the sadistic crow... his pleasure and pain gets you and you are done for... a past with him will forever haunt your present.. there is no escape from it. He's made himself immortal in your memories and in your fears... He's won...

Ja!
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