Tuesday, March 9, 2004

   Massive Indecision
So many things to think over. I'm overwhelmed... and a bit scared. Why did all of these events have to happen all within a day of each other? e.e ugh! I'm blaming the moon... it was full for most of these days. XP

Situation 1:
One small girl. A koorime child of 5 yrs. Her name is Akina. Others have told me she is very kind and is currently looking for her mother.... which may be myself.

Ah... hunh. Her mother's name is Yukina. (Hum..) And even tho that is my own name... am I her mother? Could I be a mother to this child...? -sighs- I know I could be her mother if I chose to... but that is the problem. I don't know if I should chose to have her as my child. Making her mine would affect so many ppl... feelings could be hurt, assumptions will be made and questions will definately be asked. I need to talk to someone before I make a final decision...
((My heart is telling me I want this child... but it is also afraid and in pain... Who would I be able to go to if I need help? Who can I trust to take her ...protect her... if I am in trouble? I don't know...))

Situation 2:
kodomo oyobi watashi no ai ha yoko ga nozomu.

....If you can read that... fine. If not I'm not translating. n.n' It's nothing that should be of concern to anyone.. Merely a desire of mine to say/write it and not have to think of it for much longer.
((x.x I shouldn't have wrote that... I was stupid not to realize that ppl would try to translate it. u.u If I could have I would have used the Kanji instead. -sighs- Now what's done is done and I'll just have to forget it and move on. n.n))

Situation 3:
Akira-chan. Uke. Pet... Friend.

After a bad... 'event' ...concerning some things between him and another friend. ¬¬ -is still kind of pissed about that- I've talked to Akira-chan and learned some new things about him. ^^ We're a bit closer now and I think if no more incidents happen we'll be great friends.
((I'm concerned about some things with akira-chan... He's too much a submissive person to protect himself. If he isn't careful... one day he's really going to get hurt. More than he has been hurt already.))

Situation 4
Family? nii-san, oto, kay-chan... We've all become so distant. Are we a family if we only see each other once in awhile? Speaking to one another at short random times. Never talking of our feelings for each other ...Are we even still a family at all...?

I know I probably keep whining about this... but I don't really care. I miss them so much! Every time I think of them... Where they are, how they're doing... Why they're not here... My heart feels like it's being squeezed hard and I'm unable to breath. It's come to the point where I have to not think of them so I can live on. Even now... I'm trying my hardest not to cry and just focus on breathing normally. I can't.. I have to stop. -.-'
((I don't know what to do.))

Situation 5
Atashi wa Vaan-sama no tsuma... Iie, atashi no shoyuubutsu, kare no dorei... Jiyuu ha atashi ga nozomu monodearu.

-sighs- Again something I felt I needed to write out. Don't bother trying to understand what it says. It isn't that important to any of you... Bleh! XP Although it would be nice if I could figure out how to go about it... ~.~ Hum...
((Why did that feel like I was issuing out a challenge? oO;; Just so everyone knows, I didn't and it wasn't one. e.e Anyways.. really, if anyone asks me to translate that or tries any other ways of finding out what it says... I'm gonna do serious harm to them.))
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