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i previously posted something today, but i think i am going crazy and i feel like i have to post this to explain things. i just want to say first off that i am in no way saying my life is more worse than anyone elses, i am just expressing how i feel. i've been thinking alot in the past few hours, i realized i've never felt this way before, i've lost it i believe. nothing i do ever seems to be good enough, people are always wanting more more more from me. yesterday was my granddad's death anniversary. i don't talk about my granddad often, but i loved him alot, he always seemed to be the one person that REALLY cared about me. so thats was kind of wearing thin on me today. i can't trust anyone, not b/c they are un trust worthy, but because i refuse to feel vunerable.
today i lost it, i seriously lost it. i think the thing that made me lose it was the fact that i felt like i had absolutely no control on things and i just couldn't take it. this is what happened. me and some friends, as from previous posts were planning on going trick or treating, to haunted houses and then to the mall. my friend said that we changed it at the last minute, and didn't tell him, that all we told him was that we were going to the mall. i'm not going to say anymore on that subject other than in return, he changed everything on me, and then decided to tell me at the last minute. i was pretty much screwed then b/c the "new" plan pretty much left me out. in a world where i feel like i have not so much control, that little bit kinda made me snap.
now i can't stop shaking, and i'm so stressed out that i don't think i can take anymore, oh but on top of all that, my dad started yelling at me, and that i think was the last straw for tonight. i can't handle stress, and i can't handle the responsibility of my future just yet. i'm a senior, and i'm expected to plan out the rest of my life in the next couple months. i can't do it. i have so many people depending on my future too, that how can i do it? what if i screw up?
i have no one, i don't expect anyone to do it for me, but i do expect to have at least someone to lean on and i don't, i have no one, so what do i do? do i just drop everyone else's life even though they depend on me? how can i ruin their lives just b/c i can't run my own?
i've decided to focus on everything right now in school, i want to get a job and ignore everyone else, except those people who depend on me. i just can't take this and this is all i know of how to handle it. i probably won't post that often, including art, except for a request that i already promised to do. and i'm sorry for this, though if i have any free time i will come check everyone else's art. i apologize. but this is all i got besides giving up completely.
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