Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Oh no!
Someone deleted themselves from my guestbook! I don't know who it was, and now I'm sad... They must not have liked me... or maybe I offended them.

-Susan
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Monday, February 26, 2007

   So, I really am a Buddhist... Cool.
Are you a Buddhist?

Your Results:

Yes

You are on your way to enlightenment. You have dedicated your life to peace and harmony. You also know that Buddhism isn't a religon, but the path to the way of life. You will on day enter nirvana and become truely in peace with yourself.

[also, I'm talking to some buddhist about how to convert and whether I should or not. It's going to be a big change. I'll be happy when people come up talking about Jesus and I can say, "Yeah. I'm Buddhist" and smile polietly. That's not why I'm doing it tough.]

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Crap
I found out I suffer from anxiety, which is why there are always 100 things on my mind all the time and I can't stop it. That's why I write so many stories, and why I can't concentrate sometimes.

It sucks.

I don't know if it's a disorder yet, but it's there.

-Susan


Walmart parking lot behind Lisa's car.


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Hair baby
When I said goodbye to Jason on Friday, he held my arms, my hands on his shoulders, and we kissed. Then Jessica followed me to class smiling and saying, "We need to talk." And I said, "I don't know what to tell you." Laughing and smiling. "What's going on, Susan?" Another laugh. "I'll tell you when I know."

Story of my life.

I was at my grandma's from 5PM Friday to 4PM Sunday, missed two calls from annonymous friends, and was a day late receiving my letter from Mona. My cousing Kelleye is staying tonight with her. She won't last a day. I can promise you that.

I'm getting my hair cut today, probably. As I've said, I'm so sick of it, I'm to the point where scissors and my rage are an option I'm considering.

I'm going to get sweeping bangs, I think, and more layers. Mona's haircut is so cute. It's this choppy "punk" cut, but when I showed mom the picture she said, "Oh... it's a little rough, isn't it?" I don't want to hear that for months, plus I don't want to go that short.

I'll post pictures of whatever I get, and I'll be back later today, so check in.

-Susan


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Friday, February 23, 2007

Religious Jibber-Jabber
I’m already going to warn you that this is going to be shit-long. BUT it’s worth the read I think, so please give it all some attention. (And read the post below it too!)

Okay. So, Yahoo! Questions is a godsend. I love it. I asked about what people thought I should do about Jason (most said he just wants to be a fuck buddy, others said he isn’t sure what to do, one said I should ask him or talk to him about it). I think I’m going with the last one. I’m going to just flat out ask him, “Why don’t you just ask me out, Jason?” Flatly. For honest.

Also, as my topic heading states, I asked about religion. I am so religiously mixed up. I’ve been binging on Christianity forever, on again off again for years, and I want something that I can fall into and one that believes in everything I believe in. That’s why it’s so hard when people ask what I am, religiously. I either say, “Christian based” or “I’m a hybrid… I pick and choose.” I don’t like to say the last one a lot.

This guy, a yogi in Montana, of all people, gave me a link to this website, belief-o-matic.com I think. It told me I was most likely a Quaker. WTF? Not really. The next on the list was a Buddhist. That one makes more sense to me. I’ve always liked the religion, it’s principles and the whole meditation to reach enlightenment. And reincarnation. Deffinately. And I believe in herbal remedies above conventional medicines.

Then there was this guy who’s one of those über Christian PRAISE JESUS bastards. He was like, “You can’t say you were raised Christian. You were raised in a home with Christians, maybe, but if you’re going to say you don’t believe in everything Christian, you aren’t one.” And then he went on to bullshit about how you have to be this and this and that and blah-de-fucking-blah-blah, and it really pissed me off. I hate when people try to shove that shit down your throat. REPENT! Yeah, you do that.

More than one person told me to seek Allah and Islam. Could you imagine me a Muslim?

This one guy was great. Absolutely smashing. He said “Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t combine religions.” I wish I knew who he was. I would give him a hug.

I’m the kind of girl who wears a cross and a Bastet charm at the same time while reading “The Way of Life” by Lao Tzu. I have a dream catcher hanging above my head next to a tiny wooden cross my history teacher brought back from Israel. Candles and incense. A statue of Buddha next to a picture of Jesus.

I’m too international to be bound to a single style. I’m an American who can’t stop thinking about being somewhere else. My life isn’t conventional. It’ll just get worse in that department once I’m on my own. I’ll date guys from New Age stores, marry a foreigner with an alternative lifestyle, and live in a different country every three years.

This July, I’m going to do a lot of changing. I can feel it in the area just below my heart. Less than a month from my birthday, I’ll be in college. And, you have no idea how happy I’ll be then.

I’m going to prom with a girl (Angela) in a suit! (Angela: God, and my mom already thinks that I’m a lesbian!) And we’re going to buy our tickets as a couple just so we can save money.

S: I bought a dress yesterday that may be my prom dress.
A: Does it match my suit?
S: *thinks* It’s black… halter top… it has little sparkly things on it… Yeeeeeah.
A: We’re going to have to dance together at the prom. *gets into a lead dancing position*
S: We don’t know how to dance.
A: You’re right.
S: * Turns, putting her cheek to Angela’s* We could tango.
A: *laughs as they tango for a hot second* Right. The music will be totally off. Like it’s playing some normal song.
S: We could have headphones on playing the tango song? * hand on hip*
A: Then we’d look like dumbasses.
S: We’re two straight girls going to prom together, you’re going to be the one in the suit, I’m in a dress and I’m 2 inches taller than you, and you’re worried about us looking like dumbasses dancing the tango?
*both laugh*


Love from the area next to the area just beneath my heart,
-SUSAN,

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Random thoughts that wouldn't fit in the first post.
Myst: Yeah. My dad's a teacher at my school.

Anyway, my nose is still a little sore, but it looks normal. No swelling. No black and blue. Normal.

I finished my ribbon drawing (the fourth attempt). I did it in an hour last night. It took me the longest time just to color it. The drawing part was easy. It's my hand with this ribbon going in and out and around, knotting on my thumb, with bows tied on my ring finger and around my wrist. It makes me happy, and hopefully Mr. D will like it. If he doesn't, I give up. I did my best.

So, anyway... I didn't want to wake up this morning. I had 15 minutes to get ready because I decided to stay in bed until then, wasting 30 minutes on laziness. So sue me.
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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Holy GOD!
Dude, I got backhanded in the nose first block. Nose bleed central man. It was terrible. It was an accident though, I was walking behind this dude to get to Mr. Grindstaff's desk, and he threw his hand back (for some reason) and POW! My nose still hurts real bad. Mr. G got my paper towels from dad's room (across the hall) and took me to the workroom so I could wash off my hands and my face. My hands looked like I'd just killed someone!


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Another day with Dramamine

Grr. I'm kinda pissed, but happy with Jason at the moment. I'm thinking that, yes, he really does care about me like that, but... at the same time, why the hell does he keep saying, "No. We're not going out and we aren't going to." To everyone? Well, at least when Jai asked and said, "Seriously" he wouldn't say anything. I don't know. I just feel a bit like maybe I'm his friend with benefits, and I don't want to be that.

In other news. I've been at my grandma's everyday this week. My cousin got kicked out for smoking in the motorhome, of course, and for stealing money from my grandma. That kid's a mess. He keeps calling her trying to get back in, but she won't let him, for obvious reasons. And it's a huge emotinal strain on her... and it's hard to listen to her end of the phone when she's talking to him and then see her sitting there sad when she hangs up. I'm sure things will be okay after awhile... I'm sure.

We went to the cemetary to see my granddaddy's name on the palque. They finally, FINALLY got it up there (after two months, slow asses). It looks good, nice and fancy. I think he would've loved it.

My hair is bleh today. I've given up trying to fix it. It looks uninspired. I wish I could just chop it all off again. Maybe I will. Shave my head and give my hair to a kid with cancer. It'll be like my plan from 9th grade.

-Susan

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Blah
Today is a sleepy day. It's raining outside, the sleepy kind of weather, and that makes me not want to do anything.

I have to finish a ribbon drawing today in art, or else I'm afraid Mr. D will think I'm only in there to mess around with Jason. Ergh. Jason gave me his ribbon drawing. He said it was a gift to symbolize his love. He did it to cheer me up. I was feeling a bit down-in-the-dumps because my attempts at art for the past three days have been shit.

I'm off kilter. I need to get back into it.

Here's a picture Neda took of me in Ecology last semester. I was making a big eyed face at her. To the right is Jason and to the furthest right is a sliver of the coolest science teacher in the known universe, Mr. Phoebus.



I'll be back to post again later.

-Susan

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

   Hee hee. Jason pinched my leg right below my ass in the hall and said, "I just pinched your ass." I said, "Just below my ass." So he pinched higher and I hit him. He said, "Serves you right for proving me wrong."

Then he came to find me before I left for class and pulled me aside. He said, "I was trying to keep you from running away from me." And he kissed my cheek and said, "I'll see ya, babe."

I think it's safe to say that we've reached that line and crossed it.

Oh, and Heather, about the guy at Waldenbooks: He was cute, no doubt, but it was like, honey, no. You understand what I mean? I have no problem with "older" guys, if that's what you're thinking.

-Susan
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