Monday, January 8, 2007

  Hey guys and gals.

It’s good to be back in the saddle, so to speak. I missed you guys, and, hopefully, you missed me too.

Well, my holidays weren’t awful, but they were fun either. I lost someone I was very close to. My granddaddy died on December 23rd, which was a huge, HUGE emotional blow to my family and myself. I was emotionally crippled, and, in a way, I still am, sort of. It was kind of rushed. We had to have the funeral on the 24th because otherwise we’d have to wait until awhile after Christmas, and we wouldn’t have survived that. So it was like, he died and then he was in the crypt.

December 23rd was awful because someone I saw 350 days a year died, someone I loved and cared about. Everyone who knows me well knows that he and my grandma are my favorite people in the entire world.

And now he’s gone and grandma’s house has this big empty void in it. (And there’s really no way I can put in words how much he meant to me and how much his death has affected me.) Christmas wasn’t much fun, but we tried. I got the iPod I was after, my locket (which I wanted for years and put pictures of my grandparents in, and now wear everyday), some other gifts, and then my grandma handed me a present. I knew what it was before I opened it. It was the cookbook she was going to give Granddaddy. I opened it solemnly and she said, “You’re going to have to be our cook now.” One thing he was known for was cooking. I remember when I woke up, found both cars missing, and called grandma’s to hear my mom crying and telling me he was dead. I went into Lisa’s room, woke her up, and, after about six minutes of standing in her doorway crying, sat next to her and said, “Who’s going to make us soup?” which is really funny to us, kind of an inside joke. You’d have to have known him to understand the significance.

Also, I was supposed to see Caleb on the 23rd. He was just about to leave his house to pick me up when I had to tell him “Can we reschedule?” And I had to wait until the next day, when he called me back, to tell him why because the words wouldn’t come out. Then he said he was going to New Orleans and he wouldn’t be back until around the 1st… Maybe we could hang out then. That’s what he said, at least.

But I don’t know. Was I supposed to call him? How was I supposed to know when he was back? Shouldn’t he have called me?

So, I didn’t get to see Caleb.

And 23 is no longer my favorite number. Not anymore.

When I talked to Alex a few days ago, we both cried. It was the first time I’d cried on the phone with him. He was telling me about this guy he’s in love with and how he’s leaving at the end of the year (exchange student). And then I told him about my granddaddy and Caleb and he said, “I thought I heard something in your voice…” And then we went on to comfort each other about our situations, both of which have no real solution. But it made me feel better to know that someone cared.

Caleb didn’t even say, “I’m sorry.”

I told Alex about how I waited for Caleb’s call on the 1st. When he didn’t call, I thought,
“Maybe the 2nd… Maybe the 3rd…” And, like a fool, I waited until the 5th. Then Alex called and I decided to stop waiting. He wasn’t going to call. He probably thought I was lying. Why would I lie about something like that? Why would I say that about my granddaddy if it weren’t true?

This whole holiday has changed my feelings for Caleb… or at least that’s how it seems. Was his caring voice on the phone a masquerade? Was it a figment of my imagination?

And then I read Jon's email this morning wishing me good luck. It kind of cheered me up while brining me down. He's this really cool indie muscian from... California? He used to be in Florida... hmmm.

-Susan

P.S. If your religion permits, please keep my family in your prayers.

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