Wednesday, December 22, 2004

   And So it Goes
In every heart
There is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds of lovers pasts
Until a new one comes along


And every time I've held a rose
It seems I've only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows...


Well, its Christmas!!! *cheers* It doesn't feel like Christmas though, it just doesn't, maybe its because our Christmas tree is downstairs or because we just recently got snow, but whatever it is, it doesn't feel like Christmas.

Relationships...cause nothing but heartache in the end. I've never heard of a relationship that doesn't end in pain at one point or another, even if its only when your partner dies. Why is it that humanities biggest weakness is our biggest strength? Shouldn't love be one or the other? Love gives you the courage to live, to do things you wouldn't normally do...yet, in the end it only hurts you...two-fold what it gave you.

Depression...everyone seems to have depression. Its like some sort of teen fad. People cut for the sake of looking like they have problems. For all its worth EVERYONE suffers depression, or so it seems. Whats so cool about feeling like shit on a constant basis? Figures, your a teen, no matter what you're bound to feel like shit all the time. If you're popular you're always concerned about how many knives you have in your back. If your a punk druggy you're always suffering from a killer hangover. If you're a goth/depressed type you're constantly sad and feeling worthless. If your me...well you manage to not be like every other teen...maybe we aren't all depressed, but the vast majority of us sure as hell want the world to think we are.

Media...is a way for people to exploit themselves and build up their egos. Its a way to tell people whats right and wrong. Its a way to wipe opinion from the minds of todays youth. Media tells us what we have to be to be accepted, most people would kill to be the lead popular person, who is nothing more than a product of the media, a product of conformity. Anyone who dresses and acts like Britney Spears is conforming. Most would hate to admit that they do so, but if its what you do, admit to it. If you care, even minisculey what people think, admit it. I care. Did you hear that? I CARE! Most would think I don't. I went to school today wearing sweatpants with gymshorts overtop a baggy white long sleeved shirt and black vest. Did I look presentable? No way in hell! Did I think I looked cool? Not a chance. But I didn't. I don't care if people have a problem with my style, or with my personality. But I care if they think I'm something I'm not. I care, not a lot. But I do. Contradicting the comment in my previous journal I fool many into thinking I don't care. I guess I am good at fooling people.

Music...is the most expressive and popular artform that exists. Yes a painting can give you a wonderful blast of color. But can you get the willies from looking at a highly depressed painting? Do people look at paintings when they sit in their car? No, they listen to music. Music is what makes life liveable when everything else makes it otherwise. Music gives you the opportunity to release all the tension. Just listening to a gorgeous, wailing ballad can help you cry off whatever is bothering you. Music can make you happy within seconds. It can change your emotion... Music is the equivelent of life... Music is the equivelent of death...

Life...is a bunch of bullshit. You live for no reason. One out of every billion people leaves a mark that will last forever and even then, the only purpose of your life was to die. "The meaning of life is love." Why would you be made to love? What purpose does that serve? To learn to love yourself? Why? If you're reincarnated you'll forget everything you learned in the first place. There is no meaning to life, other than death. If you make a change in someones life, the most you'll do is possibly prevent them from ending their life sooner. The meaning of life...what is it? There is none. We're part of the earth. Only we're killing it...death. Humans, everything we touch turns to coal. We kill eachother, we kill our habitat, we kill the other inhabitants of the earth, we kill everything...the meaning of life is death...

Death...the meaning of life. I'm grinning sardonically right about now. I could go in a complete circle so I will.... No matter how happy you are death will always end it. Whether it be a relationship or not. Everything is interconnected and everything ends in death... Everything dies eventually, even that which seems immortal, like our earth, it will die, when the sun dies. Everything is bound for death...

Thought...is that which you think about, or ponder about if you will. Contrary to popular belief I'm not depressed and letting out all my depression in this journal. I'm simply letting my train of thought run free, simply recording how my mind works. It works in a circle, everything leads back to the inevitable. Its interesting to read what I think, to read my thoughts. To reflect on the depth of my pondering. If you don't think its deep have a fun day. I think it is.

POOF
toodle
TJ
(I apologise for any spelling errors)

So I would choose to be with you
Thats if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions to
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes
And so it goes
And you're the only one who knows


"And So It Goes" by Billy Joel
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Friday, December 17, 2004

   Replay
Self doubts keep playing through my mind, on replay. Suddenly I'm doubting myself. All because of one stupid incident. I'm caught in a cloud of gloom and its not going away. Everyone can tell that somethings bothering me, and most would fight to mask it, but i figure, why hide what you're feeling? You feel for a reason, to hide it is to suppress a part of yourself, to suppress your creativity, your soul. No Im not going depressed or anything of that sort, I'm just simply going through a period of self-doubt. I figure I might as well let it out now, instead of allowing my thoughts to manifest themselves into something much bigger and more destructive. I'm sure people would frown upon my choice of openness, but whatever, no one told them they have to like what I'm doing. If I cared what people thought on such a vain level then I would be in a hole, starving myself of companionship or in the popular group, conforming to the leaders' every whim. I refuse to sink to such a level. People who yearn for popularity yearn for nothing more than a one-way ticket to hell, because thats all popularity is...this really went off of my original topic...anyways I think I've said enough to satisfy my ranting urges at the moment. So for the time being.
POOF
toodles
TJ
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Thursday, December 16, 2004

   Just in
This is my first post and first time on the site. I guess for now I'm just going to say a quick hey to whoever stumbles upon this...and er...well ya! I love fanfics...Best Defense and Mission X (both on ff.net search 'em up if you want some GOOD reading) are my two obsessions right now ^_^. Thats my tune in...I'll talk about stuff and my life on a later date.
toodles
TJ
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