Friday, February 11, 2005

RANT
I want to kill him. I want him to feel the pain hes brought on me. I want him to bleed his heart out to know how I feel. I want him to scream. I want him to cry. I want him to know that all hes ever done to me is bring me pain, sorrow, and a deep yurning to be alone, away from all boys and people. He is why I don't like to care. He is why I hate myself so much. He is why I hate all men.

sorry about that i just needed to get it out



from anothers site:

Have you ever hit someone forcefully? yes

Have you ever thrown anything at a moving car? yes

Have you ever been in a fist fight? definitely

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? yup

Have you ever hit an animal on the road? no

Have you ever seen a Beatles film? yup

Have you ever cussed? yes

Have you ever been on a subway? no

Have you ever taught a little kid to cuss? I have a little sister, I swear a lot... I’d say so

Have you ever cheated on a test/exam? yes

Have you ever skipped school? no well yes if you count faking sick.

Have you ever egged someones house? no

Have you ever gotten a computer virus? yes. have one now

Have you ever cried for no reason at all? yup
Have you ever missed someone? yes so bad it hurts.

Have you ever felt actual pain on your heart? Yes

If so what from? people.

How often do you get depressed? Far too much probably

If you do get depressed do you let other people know? no

If you get depressed how do you vent? Depends, sometimes cut, sometimes cry, sometimes write

If you didn't have the thing above what would you do? I would kill myself

Has anyone ever tried to take your venting style away? Yes my parents

How do they make you feel? Like I don't deserve to be breathing.

Why do they make you feel like that? why are you asking me?

I'm only asking because you need them answered. No I don't

Than why are you still typing? Because I have now where else to go.

And? and online is the only place I can be myself even if I scare them. Which I'm sorry if I do.

And? I got nothing else

fine we'll move on, Have you ever talked to yourself? Yes

When? Right now, arn't I?

When was the last time you cried? earlier

Why did you cry? ...because

When have you wanted to cry? All the time

Why didn't you? ...i did

Who makes you the most depressed? I duno

Why? because they do the most to hurt me?

Why do you think they feel that way? I duno. Maybe they want someone else to feel their pain

Are they pushy? yes

Are you tired? Yes

Do you want to scream? Yes

Do you want to do anymore quiz? No

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Wednesday, February 9, 2005

SLIP SLOP SLAP!!
lol i have the wierdest thing stuck in my head
here they have one of those government compaigns to get kids to wear sunscreen, a shirt and a hat when they go outside in summer. its advertised a lot in primary schools, and it has a pelican dancing around with a straw hat sunscreen on his nose and a blue shirt singing:
"SLIP SLOP SLAP
slip on a shirt
slop on sunscreen
and slap on a hat
SLIP SLOP SLAP
slip on a shirt slop on sunscreen
and slap on a hat
and be safe in the sun today!~
SLIP SLOP SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

lol all day i've been singing it on the top of my lungs and its surprising how catchy it is lol

anyways like forever since i last posted things have been goin good and i organised a couple of surprises for some good friends :D ;) i hope they like them lol
well only time can tell :P

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR OF THE DRAGON!!!!

catch you all later and have a good one!!!

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Monday, January 31, 2005

Ultimate Cost

Everything crumbles
Everything falls
Function stumbles
Timing stalls
Losing focus
Replacing numb
Completely weak
Wittingly dumb
So alone
Pitch black
Neon emerald
Peeling back
Intravenous injection
Lonely pride
Pointing fingers
Openly hide
Sadly beaten
So pitiful
Hurried up
Slowing down
Emprisoned freedom
Secretly found
Oddly normal
Blistering heat
Suffering morals
Truthful treat
Without hope
Gaining scars
Paper demons
Grounded stars
Dying dead
Killing living
Forceful modesty
Seems fitting
Eyes open
Memory lost
Haunting past
Ultimate cost

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Friday, January 7, 2005

hi! lol haven't posted in awhile ^^; i was helping some online friends dealing with some probs they have for the last few weeks so yeh ^^ i love helping them lol, a chance to forget my own worries for awhile

nothing much been happenin really... dont start school until the 31st of January so i have alot of time to talk on MSN lol
well i went out yesterday lol... went to the Plaza which is like your american malls i guess... we watched a movie that would have been released ages ago there lol... "A Series of Unfortunate Events"... not very good but nyeh O_<
afterwards Shellz Cindy and i went round to all the mens clothing shops and tried on the clothes... we nearly got kicked out a coupla times.... lol it was funny as ^^

then Shellz Richard Eddie and i played ToD most the night, well day for Richard lol that was so funny... considering how Richard kept trying to hit on Shellz... now i think of it... all my guy online friends seem to try and hit on her lol...

hope youse are all well and had a good new years!!

Real Pain

I found out what real pain is today
it is where your heart leaves you body and glides away
it is where you stare at a wall and wished you could go back in time
it is where you wish you could erase a memory from your tired mind.

Now I know the reason why we hate it all
it is because we have to try so hard to get up from a fall
it is because it isn't always about smiles but also the tears of pain
it is because of the all the cold knowledge we have to grow up and gain.

No more is it about the color of the yellow sun or the blue sky
it is about the reason we are born and then someday have to die
it is about the reason we love and sometimes will always have to hate
it is about the reason we always think about ours lives long living fate.

I used to think that everything was meant to be
but just recently the sky have cleared enough for me to see
lately everything happened at once and will never go away
because it burned a memory in my flesh in the most painfullest way.

My bones shake within every breath I take
I wonder why this world has to be everything but fake
I wonder why this world has to be everything but a dream
I wonder why this world has to be so damn extreme.

Darkness is all that forms inside my head
every time I think of the ones that I love that are dead
every time I wake up and realize that yesterday was real
I hurt inside and I am uncontrollable with the emotions that I feel.

Out bursting tears compared to a fires flame
insane pictures that flash my mind within every person name
depressing times that we will always have to live
unspoken words that we will once regret that we didn't give

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

   An Interview With Oneself
Hyatchi – wow... look at all the pwetty cuwwas... o_O;;

Amanda – oooOOOOoooOOOooooOOOooo pweeettiiiieee o_O;;

Hyatchi – must....... Have...... pweeettiiieee cuwwas..... pweeeetttiieee cuwwas mine!

Amanda – NO! MINE!!!! O_<

Hyatchi - *tries to grab colours but smashes into the screen* O_<;; owies!!!

Amanda – O_O;;

Hyatchi – oooohhhh... anime.... o_O

Amanda – wassat? o_O;;

Hyatchi – you on an animies site and you don’t knowies what anime is???? O_O;;;

Amanda – yuh huh... ^_^;;

Hyatchi - *GASPZ* O_O o_O O_o O_O

Amanda – heh heh ^_^;;
<_<
>_>
<_<
>_>.............!!!!!!..................<_<

Hyatchi – .................!!!! you are so st00pid Manda

Amanda – yuh I know so ^_^;;

Hyatchi - -_-;;

Amanda – OH! We were meant to be interviewing someone!!!

Hyatchi – but... they lefted!!!!

both - *GASPZ*
Hyatchi – so what is this posty gonna have now?

Amanda – iuno!!! o_O;;

Hyatchi – well *EVILZ LOOKZ* I have to askies you thens

Amanda – uh oh... >_<

Hyatchi – so whatties your names?

Amanda – Hyacka Hyatchi!!!!

Hyatchi - *GASPZ* IT IS???? O_O;;

Amanda – yup yup ^_^

Hyatchi - *LOOKZ SHOCKAFIED* BUT... BUT!!!! THAT’S MY NAME!!!! X_<

Amanda – *GASPZ* O_O;; IT IS????

Hyatchi – I thoughties so!!!! o_O;;

Amanda – wow o_O;;

Hyatchi – then why does the little name thingies say Amanda? o_O;;

Amanda – uhhhhh o_O;;

Hyatchi – well letties movies on!!!! next questionies!!!! whatties is your namies?

......

Hyatchi – huh??? who wrote theses!!!!??? X_><;;

Amanda – ME!!!! ^_^

Hyatchi – figuries o_O;;

Amanda – look at the next one!!!!

Hyatchi - *looks at next card* suppi....??

Amanda - *GASPZ*

Hyatchi – WHAT??? O_O;;

Amanda – you said.... *over dramatic pause*...... SUPPI!!!!!!

Hyatchi – yeeeeeeeeeeessssshhhhhh.....? o_O;;

Amanda – okie dokes

Hyatchi - *looks confuzzled*

Amanda – NEXT!!!!

Hyatchi - *shuffles through cards* GOT ONE!!!
Howwies you gets intoies thingies?

Amanda – uhhhhh o_O;;

Hyatchi – wells?

Amanda – well some guy told me about something which was not something but something rather... something rather led me to another guy, another guy said something else which led me to thingies!!! ^_^

Hyatchi – uhhhh o_O;;

Amanda – its all true!!! as true as Suppi is to thingies!!!!

Hyatchi – gaaaahhhh!!!!! O_<;;

Amanda – hehehehehehe!!!!! this is fun!!! we should do it more!!!! ^_^

Hyatchi – m..m...more? o_O;;

Amanda – YESH!!!

**WE ARE SORRY TO INTERUPT THIS SCREENING, BUT HYACKA HYATCHI SEEMS TO HAVE MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED... THIS IS NOW AND FOREVER ENDING... WELL AT LEAST UNTIL HYACKA HYATCHI RETURNS...**

heh heh ^_^;; I had to write that sawwy ^_^;; it was buzzin round my head so I thought “...”(no thoughts for st00pid people!! ^_~) and so I wrote it down… heh heh my strange thinking O_<;;

don’t worry though lol I wont write more... I just wanted to get this one out lol ^^

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

well i found the digi camera finally... but some baka decided to take out my memory stick so i lost all my 361 photos X_o ah well i will just have to wait a million years until the film camera gets developed.

>_>
<_<

i done my advanced maths exam on Monday...it was bad right from the start... we were booked to do it in a classroom which also had a year 8 class in it at the same time so we wasted 15 minutes looking for a new classroom to do it in... then we went to 813 (its cursed!!!! oO;;) and discovered we didn't have enough tests for everyone X_o


and well i found out my scores today... i think it was something like 69/93 or something... quite good since i didn't do all five pages... it took me 1/2 an hour to do the 1st page!!! then i only had 1/2 an hour to do another 4 pages X_X
i skipped most of page 4... not coz i couldn't do it, but because it was stuff i had to DRAW and wasn't worth as much as what was on page 5 so i done page 5 first, but i didn't even get to finish that page

>_>
<_<

well anyways

i found out my grades for SV, Tech Choice and Home Ec (one test... everyone failed... brought everyone down a WHOLE grade... just to think... otherwise i woulda gotten 100% X_X) and they were all Bs...

X_o i'm grounded once my parents find out on the last day of school

well at least i have two full day excurisions to look forward to!!!

the first one is this thursday, and my german class is going to the adelaide central markets for the day!!! ^_^ WOOOOOO !!!!!

^_^

the next one is also on thursday, but a week laters, on the second to last day of school ^_^

we haven't gotten any HW for the last two weeks, apart from Mrs Bristow, my extension year 11 english teacher X_X she thinks that just coz its the end of the year doesn't mean that she shouldn't give me and Jacqui home work X_o we have her again next year as well... X_X

but she's a great teacher... if only she wasn't also my actual year 9 english teacher as well #_#

well hope ya guys are all doin ok!!!! ^_^

its not really that bad!!! ^_^ its only 6 weeks!!! ^_^ i can sneak on!!! dont you worry bout me!!! ^_^

so yeh!! i try to remember to post here whenever i get the chance to sneak on ^_^


OOOOHHHness!!! waitness!!!! youness haveness toness tryness toness addness nessness onness toness theness endness ofness allness yourness wordsness... itsness actuallyness quiteness easyness toness doness ifness youness doness itness enoughness ... itness reallyness confuzzledness myness englishness teacherness whenness everyoneness wasness doingness theirness oralsness andness weness allness doneness thisness

YAYNESS!!!!

wellness byesness!!!! takeness careness!!!
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Friday, November 26, 2004

hi!!!

you gotta love the way things have a way of working themselves out! ^_^
hehe i know that Shawn won't read this, but i'd like to thank him anyways ^_^

i got a B for my exam, but the grades aren't finalised yet, so it might go up ^_^

well the digi camera is still missing, but i have a suspicion that it's either in my room or right behind me xD so i will look for it later, when i am not.... lazy ^_^'

all you people in winter are so lucky!!! it was 40 degrees celcius here today :| the only good thing about that was we got out earlier ^_^

my sister finished school today, she is so lucky, i have another two weeks oO;;

well to all you americans out there... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Insanity Calls

Locked away
So safe inside my head
Is everything you done
Everything you said

I never knew
How wrong I was
In every single way
Why you never told me
Torments me every day

Now I see
Why nothing added up
Though all I wanted
Was you
You weren’t ready to give it up

I want no helping hand
The truth is so surreal
Safe inside my head
Are all my thoughts of you

Insanity calls me softly
As my world starts to fall
I want no help
No helping hand
I want to see it fall
All I need is sanity
But nothing goes quite right

People start to wonder
What is going on
But I shall never say a word
Safe inside myself
This is mine to keep

I answer insanities calls
And open my arms wide
This is the last time
I shall ever have to cry

I think this fairly much explains my mood… hope you guys are better off than me

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

A Little Philosophical
What I hate about being sick is I get all philosophical about everything….

I started listening to the song “perfect” and I thought about how me and my dad get on. We used to be the bestest of friends, we would always be together no matter what and talk about absolutely everything… then I thought about what happened… and if it had happened differently or not happened at all.. would things be the way they are now? Would our relationship be so strained?

I wonder though if it didn’t happen, if I’d still know the people I know now, would I have the same friends? Probably not. I would probably be a different person. More like my mother I guess. But then its like maybe I would be happier, to be more oblivious to what was going on around me, safe in my comfort and totally oblivious to everything else. I wouldn’t of had to change schools so often, we wouldn’t of had to move, and maybe, just maybe I would be really and truelly happy.

I wonder what would of happened if I never moved, and stayed at the same school. I wouldn’t of met Mirah, and none of this would have ever happened. I never would have to deal with what she done, what happened. But then I never would’ve met Kaz, never would of done some of the amazing sports I do now… well used to do. I never would have met some friends I met online, and never would have had to deal with OCD.

It would have been bliss. Though is it better to be blissfully oblivious or to know everything? I mean its nice to know somethings, but there are others that you don’t need or want to know. But then being oblivious but happy is just as bad really. You are never aware, and when you do realise, its too late and nothing can be done, or something has already been done. Either way it’s a lose – lose situation really. The hard thing is to get the perfect mix. To not know everything and have your own little world where it doesn’t need to be logical. Where things are always good and there for YOU to be happy. To make you happy. And no one else.

And then we get to the good stuff. I wonder if none of this ever happened if I would be closer to my family. Before all this started its downwards spiral we were. It seemed that nothing could get between us. But alas, something did. And it really tore us apart. But then do I want us to be close again? Was it really that good? Or was it that I was so oblivious that I thought everything was fine? I really don’t know, but then again, I don’t really want to know. See, if I was right and it was because I was oblivious, that would tear us apart more. I don’t think we could forgive each other. But then we don’t want to forgive each other now. If I was wrong, and it was that good, all that makes is another thing to linger on, another ‘oh but it was so good why it lasted’ and we don’t really need any more of those. I don’t want or need another one of those.

Ok there you go, my twisted reality, my twisted and obsurd thoughts…. I think I may turn the comments off… yes I will….

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Monday, November 22, 2004

hey!!!
not much to say... exams on Wednesday that i am going to fail (joy!!!! -___-)

i hope alex (destinyssweetman)is doing ok now, i spent this morning and after school talking to him xD

the parade went great... but i cant find the digi camera at the mo, so i cant put any piccies up... you will just have to wait to see me and the pyscho!!! hehe it was good though... i spent the whole weekend with Jenny... she is the best friend around ^^ hehe and YES i do realise she is a horse... ^^ hehe o well ^_^

i sorted a lot of stuff out before school... but i'm still waiting for someone to come on, that i really need to talk to... grr he's 2 minutes late!!! ok ok... its like 1/2 hour before he said he would be on, but my clock is early!!! oO;;

ok... ummm

i gave my friend a CD on Friday, and today i got it back, with +200 songs on it ^_^ xD hehe its gonna go for another 5/1/2 hours oO;; and i've already been playin it for 5 ... wow thats long oO;;

i shal go back to my previously abandoned game of blocked now... well ta ta darlings (yes that sounds allot like a rich old stuffy person with a pole stuck up their ass >.< )
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