Wednesday, November 10, 2004

   Another Bad Day
This day has been so absolutely crap =(

It seems that all I can ever do these days is piss people off...

I tell my friend I'm worried about her coz she's not eating properly, and all I get is a face of abuse... this was last week. now she just bad mouths me to everyone. I'm not the only one worried about her either, I'm just the only one who will voice it to her, I guess they're all to scared to have her do what she done to me to them.

next I ask my friend if they're ok, when they seem really upset and down, and all I get is another face full of abuse.

I really dont know why I bother showing concern for other people any more...

I'm sick of just being abused when I want to help. If I didn't want to help I wouldnt ask or say these things.

Its like people see me as a scape goat for all their problems and blame them all on me, even if it isn't linked to me or my falt at all...

Then they turn around and say I'm cold hearted, distant, uncaring, remote.

I think my friend, Kaz is turning suicidal, but she wont even tell me whats wrong =( and its tearing me to pieces to see her like this =( the worst thing is I cant hug her or anything, she moved interstate... but I don't think she'll last to the holidays. =(

I hurt someone real close to me, and they want to end their lives also... they slit their wrists... this is the second time I done this to them... and I don't think I can forgive myself for doing it...

I can't even apologise=( coz I can't even speak to them now...

So I guess I deserve what ever comes my way... and I DO deserve those names...

heres a poem I wrote...

My Face

All these people that I’m surrounded by
So many of them smile, joke and laugh
I smile back with no emotion
This act I execute to perfection
No one must see the real me.

The pain inside knows no end
Bound roughly behind a incomplete mask
Does no one realise these incredibly evident flaws
In the way I act, so incomplete
One minute exultant, the next so secluded

No one must know my true emotions
No one must open me up
I’m scared of what they might find
Not even I know what lies beneath
The composed act I put on
Release is very much more excruciating
Than to imprison them all inside

It comes as no surprise
That I waste my life away
The existence I crave is swiftly diminishing
I find no solace as not a soul knows

To live is emptiness
My heart finds rest from electric insanity,
I have no alternative; this is the path I chose
And so I die,
My mask unmoving, secured closely on my face.

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