Tuesday, November 23, 2004

A Little Philosophical
What I hate about being sick is I get all philosophical about everything….

I started listening to the song “perfect” and I thought about how me and my dad get on. We used to be the bestest of friends, we would always be together no matter what and talk about absolutely everything… then I thought about what happened… and if it had happened differently or not happened at all.. would things be the way they are now? Would our relationship be so strained?

I wonder though if it didn’t happen, if I’d still know the people I know now, would I have the same friends? Probably not. I would probably be a different person. More like my mother I guess. But then its like maybe I would be happier, to be more oblivious to what was going on around me, safe in my comfort and totally oblivious to everything else. I wouldn’t of had to change schools so often, we wouldn’t of had to move, and maybe, just maybe I would be really and truelly happy.

I wonder what would of happened if I never moved, and stayed at the same school. I wouldn’t of met Mirah, and none of this would have ever happened. I never would have to deal with what she done, what happened. But then I never would’ve met Kaz, never would of done some of the amazing sports I do now… well used to do. I never would have met some friends I met online, and never would have had to deal with OCD.

It would have been bliss. Though is it better to be blissfully oblivious or to know everything? I mean its nice to know somethings, but there are others that you don’t need or want to know. But then being oblivious but happy is just as bad really. You are never aware, and when you do realise, its too late and nothing can be done, or something has already been done. Either way it’s a lose – lose situation really. The hard thing is to get the perfect mix. To not know everything and have your own little world where it doesn’t need to be logical. Where things are always good and there for YOU to be happy. To make you happy. And no one else.

And then we get to the good stuff. I wonder if none of this ever happened if I would be closer to my family. Before all this started its downwards spiral we were. It seemed that nothing could get between us. But alas, something did. And it really tore us apart. But then do I want us to be close again? Was it really that good? Or was it that I was so oblivious that I thought everything was fine? I really don’t know, but then again, I don’t really want to know. See, if I was right and it was because I was oblivious, that would tear us apart more. I don’t think we could forgive each other. But then we don’t want to forgive each other now. If I was wrong, and it was that good, all that makes is another thing to linger on, another ‘oh but it was so good why it lasted’ and we don’t really need any more of those. I don’t want or need another one of those.

Ok there you go, my twisted reality, my twisted and obsurd thoughts…. I think I may turn the comments off… yes I will….

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