Wednesday, February 15, 2006

   Ey, wassup peeps, hope your Valentines day--sucked---was great.

Well, since I don't have immediate access to my holiday website, I'll make up another holiday. It's more interesting anyway, as opposed to ranting.

Feb 15 is now officially National Squinting Day.

Many people don't know how National Squinting Day originated, but if you'll settle down around me, listen and you shall hear of the legendary Squinting of Paul Revere.

Yes, my friends. It's a little known fact that Paul Revere was a squinter by nature. This might have been because he needed glasses. But he was too conceited, and wouldn't buy any. That is why he crashed into a pole when he was riding and the Brits overtook America....

Hang on. That doesn't sound right.

The phone is ringing....

someone's leaving a message... they're not talking... no one is actually leaving a message....

it's ringing again.....

stupidface. Come on.... leave the fucking message.

Or not.

Anyway. NAtional squinting day... When the venerable Spectacle God decided to crush Rob's glasses with a banana, he found, much to his dismay, that Rob could SQUINT and see things.

Let's back up. The Spectacle God was not a nice guy. He ate babies and licked telephone poles. When Paul Revere smashed into one he stuck and died there. He made glasses that actually took over your brain and subsequently ruled your life. Later, he invented glasses that killed people. No one actually knows why. When asked, he said "Because it's funny". Which it kind of was, but I didn't say that.

Anyway, around the time GOD had decided your passage into heaven depended on how many Oscars you were rewarded in a lifetime, the Spectacle God was getting into destroying what he once called masterpeices. There were many spectacle funerals that year, which the Spectacle God fondly called "Spectafuns". He especially enjoyed funerals where the glasses had been a victim of "death by banana."

This was also around the time where Satan was raising his standards to get into hell. He said it was getting full, and what was worse, full of boring people who had actually repented what they did. But God wouldn't take them back, oh NO, because they hadn't acted in a fucking movie! Well, two could play at this game. So now, to get into hell, you had have partaken in all of the following:

1. you must have physically tortured at least three people in your life.

2. You must have drunk some kind of blood.

3. You cannot have been baptized. You could, however, baptize dead cats. Any other baptization would get you kicked out.

4. You must have had sex or masturbated at least once in your life unless you were under five years of age.

5. You must have watched "Animal House" at least once. Satan was very fond of Togas.

This all came together in a very odd way on February 14 or 15, 2006. No one really remembers. That fateful day, a large banana, by order of the Specatcle God, dropped from the heavens and crushed Rob's glasses. They were on the table. And the banana just sort of... fell. From the ceiling.

"Oh, no!" Rob exclaimed, clutching his heart in horror. "Billy! Joe!" (Billy was the left lense, Joe was the right, but that is insignificant.)

Shell-shocked an trembling, Rob scuttled over to his mother and wheezed "Mother! My glasses were crushed by a holy banana from the heavens."

"Don't be ridiculous," his cruel mother snapped, suddenly growing a crooked nose and various warts, pimples, and other defects all over her face. She picked up a broom and beat Rob with it. "I want to hear no more such nonsense! Now get on your bus!!"

So Rob, heartbroken and Glasses-free, went out to get on the bus. But unfortunately, he tripped and fell and got in the way of a car and died. WHen he opened his eyes, he saw a great bright light and what looked like a sunburned, hairless goat on its hind legs arguing.

"Well, I'M not taking him in," the goat huffed, crossing his arms. "He's never even HEARD of the seven sins."

"Well, I'm not taking him in, either," the bright light hollered, "Because he hasn't won an Oscar! In fact,he's never even gotten a Golden globe! The best he's acted was the lame school play!"

"What's WRONG with you?" the goat bellowed. "You used to take in people who had blown up buildings!"

"They dont' do it in my name anymore. Humans these days..." the bright light grumbled.

"YOU!" the goat suddenly said, realizing Rob was awake. "Get out! I have a very important client to meet! He was the founder of the newest cult. We usually don't do reincarnation, but in the case of finally meeting a person who actually worships me, I think we can break the laws of physics.'

"But my life means nothing without my glasses," Rob said. "Why can't I go to heaven?"

"Because you didn't get an Oscar," God said, as if this was the meaning of life. "Don't be ridiculous."

ANd the next thing Rob knew, his mother was kicking him to school.

"I don't care if you tripped and fell! Get your lazy ass to school!"

"But I can't see!" Rob whined obnoxiously.

"SQUINT! It's GOOD FOR YA!"

And that is why February 15th is national squinting day. it should actually be the fourteenth and it was for a year, but they changed it. It was turned to the 15th because the Media greatly feared that people squinted wouldn't be able to see a Valentines Day sale if it stripped naked in front of them, gyrating wildly to sexy music.

Well, that was mildly entertaining.

I'm leaving for exciting Arkansas today, so I shan't be posting for this week, or the week of break. So y'all takes cares of you's selves, and don't lick frozen poles.
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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Spider-petting day
Today is National SPIDER PETTING DAY.

Yes, you heard right. No, I'm not tripping. No. Magnus Lensherr wasn't tripping either... Just likes spiders a lot, for some unknown reason.

Which reminds me, at a dance last night, there was this little plastic spider. I named it Speedo. A misnomer if I ever heard one, because it didnt' move at all. But if you think the theory of relativity holds out in real life, it was moving at light speed. So it must have been moving pretty fast. So Speedo deserved his name. His name was actually spelled "Spido" but that wouldn't look the way it sounded. So it's Speedo.

So, I assume mosta y'all don't like Spiders?

Never fear! Inuchanslilsister is here! Because you know, it's mandatory that you pet a spider. Seeing it's spider-petting day and all.

So. First, to get over your fear, boil a vat of maple syrup. Strip to your underwear and jump in. Jump up'n down and scream like you're getting burned with maple syrup (this shouldn't be too hard).

Go up to a spider (Don't ask me how to get out of the frickin' vat! This is your life, you loser!)and pet it. It will stick to your hand. Because--unless you decided, for some odd reason, to hose yourself down--you are covered in hot, sticky maple syrup.

As I was saying. If you are an arachnophobic, you will again jump up and down and scream like a lunatic and if you try to take off the spider, it will eat your left kidney (side effect of the maple syrup. Just wash it off and you'll be fine.)

If you ever get the spider off your hand and don't die from the burns, you will officially be... a spider-petter. Congrats.

Note: Inuchanslilsister does not claim any responsibility for: 1, 2, 3rd degree burns, clogged up washing machines, dead grass, or death by spider eating your kidney.

At that, my friends, is how you pet a spider.

This girl I was talking to on the bathroom floor said she was bipolar... SINCE SHE WAS THREE.

I'm sorry. What did you say? Bathroom floor?

Oh, right. That day, the bathroom was turned into a teen rec center. *shrugs* so me, Mary, Sarah Fedderman and two other chicks hung out and talked.

Mary and Sarah believe in magick. They were trying to do spells from a book. I told them they were nuts. They told me to please shut the fuck up, they were trying to erase my memory. At which I decided to not stop talking.

Because, believe it or not, I'm not eager to get my mind wiped.

Anyway, Sarah said she was bipolar. Sure, whatever. Bipolar. Whaddaya want, a medal? And then she said she'd had it since she was three.

A three-year old wouldn't be able to even comprehend that. But whatever. You can't diagnose people when' they're freakin' three.

Firefox kicks Safari's fat ass. Remember that, kids!

I'm going to go to Arkansas and then Iowa to see... people... so don't be expectin' updates.

I love you people, but I woudln't care if you died... well, yes I would... but whatever.... okay, that was relatively pointless...

I want a digital camera.


We have fourteen phone messages.

I played Mozart again today.

I bought a whole bunch of books, and, get this--I"M NOT GONNA READ THEM!! Not until Tuesday, anyway,when we leave for our big "road Trip".

WE have genuine stained glass windows in our house.

I'm really tired. "So go to bed," you say. I say back, "So just shut up, dorkface". And you say, "You're a dorkface." To which I reply, "Oh, yeah?" ANd you say, "Yeah."

"Oh, YEAH?"

"Yep."

"You wanna take this outSIDE? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

Once Derek did that to me and I was like, "sure" all up in his face. And he backed down.

He was such a cutie... XP... hair and eyes and evertin'....

Okay. If my dad comes back from Tapas I'm screwed. And he'd said he'd be back round 12:30. So I'd better go.

Bye.

~~~
Later, at a SANE hour
``
To answer your loverly comments.

Ziopheth: Yes, I'm insane. But believe me, I'm not that insane in real life. ANd I was not being mean to Derek! I was just... it was a joke! 3:} Deal!

Mysticelfgirl: yeah. coolest thing on the planet. go pet a spider.

Magnus Lensherr: Glad you enjoyed your holiday. i made it special for you, you know.

obnoxious: Who? Who was talking about a spider...? And I get these ideas... um... well, I purposefully write random stuff. I thought of maple syrup because I was eating cereal. With maple syrup and milk. It's not until after when I realize how inherently weird it all sounds. XP

I got pet-a-spider day when I invented pet-a-toad day and Magnus said that it should be spiders instead.

So there.
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Saturday, February 4, 2006

Hahahahaaaa.... Rozefire updated!

Well, that was a long time ago.... but whatever!!

Anyway...

Hmm.....

I don't have any holidays for today. So I'll make some fake ones.

FEb. 4: today is national Pet-a-toad day!

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO PET A TOAD

Toad-petting is a exquisite and delicate art.

You wil need:

10 pairs of tube socks
A tub of Ice cream
a toad-infested area
hand sanitizer

Put the tub of ice cream down in the infested area. put on two of the pairs of tube socks. It does'nt matter where, just pt them on. Let the other pairs down.

Pour the sanitizer over them.

wait ten minutes.

After ten minutes, toads should beswaming. Snatch one. reach outyour arm. Pet it. Drop it.

Run, screaming from the area.

That's it!

I just updated my fanfic! It's Inu-Yasha.... *kicks you in the face* READ IT.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2671390/1/
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Thursday, February 2, 2006

Okay, when Bush addressed the world yesterday, Cindy-the-war-hater got ARRESTED for wearing writing on her T-Shirt, and the wife of a congress man got politely asked to be removed.

Cindy was wearing something that said something like "25,000 dead--what next" and the other lady was wearing something that said "Support our troops."

Fuck if that's not paying favorites.

Cartoon man writes Agnes!!!! Doubt you know it, we don't get it here, but I can find it online.

Tomorrow's my birthday! Wow!!

Okay, I can't stay long, so I'll give you holidays some other time.
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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I am in contact with an actual, published-in-the-newspaper cartoonist... and he just asked me to choose between two ideas. That he will publish.

The choice was between jello and sauerkraut... I chose jello.

: P that's funny, ain't it?

Well, anyway, I'm off. I've got to pack, and I haven't even started, just been surfing and eating almond shavings.

Bye...
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Monday, January 30, 2006

Last night I had a dream that I was accidentally mistaken for Ellen Degeneres. Quite doubtful. I have brown hair, brown eyes, high cheekbones, etc. while she has blond hair and blue eyes and a more angular kind of face.

But Then I met her in my math classroom, watching herself watching something through the projector, and she told me she didn't actually have a low voice.

And my memory breaks off there.

Okay, Dick Cheney was born today, so cook him into a birthday cake, yeah? I think he's manipulating bush, and all the big decisions are his and not Bush's.

On a lighter note, today is Bubble Wrap Appreciation day! annoy the hell out of someone! Take a long sheet of bubble wrap and jump on it, this can be done alone, or with your friends!

DAILY RANDOM TINYPIC OF THE DAY!



IS THAT CHICHIRI? Or maybe it's chiriko. IS THAT CHIRIKO? HE'S SO CUUUUTE!

I'm reading "Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress" and it's very amusing, you should read it if you have nothing else to do...

Later, then.
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Sunday, January 29, 2006

Have you ever noticed how all the women comedians have low voices?

Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Roseanne...
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   DODO: THE EXTINCT SPECIES OF CARPET
Carnation Day - January 29th. Celebrates William McKinley's birthday. If you're going to a wedding, wear more carnations than normal. Wear so many they can't see your face. You will forever be... um.. carnation boy/girl.

Chinese New Year 2006 (The Year of the Dog) Congrats to anyone who had a baby today. They're all dogs.

That's okay. I think I'm a pig or something. Worm? Maggot? Centipede? I dunno.

Corn Chip Day (National) January 29th I LOVE corn chips. They're, like, fried without being inordinately fatty. Well, kind of fatty. But not THAT much.

Jigsaw Puzzle Day (National): I hate those things. They don't even deserve a holiday. But they got one. So now my day is ruined.

Kansas became the 34th US state: Um, if you live in Kansas... um... YAHOO!

I mean, how much does it matter, anyway? You should be mourning the fact that you live in the same country as George Bush. You know?

I'm sick of being called a coward-left Kool=Aid drinker. I hate Koolaid... but do those insensitive clods care? NO!

I wonder what would happen if you fried M&M'S? I should make sure to do that some time. When I have M&Ms. Then I'll fry... milk.

Gross... but inevitably interesting!

freethinker's day: I've just demonstrated that. Fried milk.

Mom never did find out I burned soap in the bathroom. Three cheers for incense!

Daily tinypic pic:

Blue rosie! Whee.
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Saturday, January 28, 2006

If anyone can think of a way to give spidey more legs, don't hesitate to add them!!!!
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   Never do this.
NEVER burn soap in your bathroom.
Not if it's scented. Burning soap scent smells bad, and fills the room.
When your mom comes home, she'll probably smell it.

But its' kind of her fault for putting me under house arrest until I go to the Yings.

So I'm doing what I can to amuse myself.

Lalalalalala.... Love that system of a down.

I wonder what burning almonds smell like? I've got plenty of incense and matches.


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