Wednesday, February 15, 2006

  Ey, wassup peeps, hope your Valentines day--sucked---was great.

Well, since I don't have immediate access to my holiday website, I'll make up another holiday. It's more interesting anyway, as opposed to ranting.

Feb 15 is now officially National Squinting Day.

Many people don't know how National Squinting Day originated, but if you'll settle down around me, listen and you shall hear of the legendary Squinting of Paul Revere.

Yes, my friends. It's a little known fact that Paul Revere was a squinter by nature. This might have been because he needed glasses. But he was too conceited, and wouldn't buy any. That is why he crashed into a pole when he was riding and the Brits overtook America....

Hang on. That doesn't sound right.

The phone is ringing....

someone's leaving a message... they're not talking... no one is actually leaving a message....

it's ringing again.....

stupidface. Come on.... leave the fucking message.

Or not.

Anyway. NAtional squinting day... When the venerable Spectacle God decided to crush Rob's glasses with a banana, he found, much to his dismay, that Rob could SQUINT and see things.

Let's back up. The Spectacle God was not a nice guy. He ate babies and licked telephone poles. When Paul Revere smashed into one he stuck and died there. He made glasses that actually took over your brain and subsequently ruled your life. Later, he invented glasses that killed people. No one actually knows why. When asked, he said "Because it's funny". Which it kind of was, but I didn't say that.

Anyway, around the time GOD had decided your passage into heaven depended on how many Oscars you were rewarded in a lifetime, the Spectacle God was getting into destroying what he once called masterpeices. There were many spectacle funerals that year, which the Spectacle God fondly called "Spectafuns". He especially enjoyed funerals where the glasses had been a victim of "death by banana."

This was also around the time where Satan was raising his standards to get into hell. He said it was getting full, and what was worse, full of boring people who had actually repented what they did. But God wouldn't take them back, oh NO, because they hadn't acted in a fucking movie! Well, two could play at this game. So now, to get into hell, you had have partaken in all of the following:

1. you must have physically tortured at least three people in your life.

2. You must have drunk some kind of blood.

3. You cannot have been baptized. You could, however, baptize dead cats. Any other baptization would get you kicked out.

4. You must have had sex or masturbated at least once in your life unless you were under five years of age.

5. You must have watched "Animal House" at least once. Satan was very fond of Togas.

This all came together in a very odd way on February 14 or 15, 2006. No one really remembers. That fateful day, a large banana, by order of the Specatcle God, dropped from the heavens and crushed Rob's glasses. They were on the table. And the banana just sort of... fell. From the ceiling.

"Oh, no!" Rob exclaimed, clutching his heart in horror. "Billy! Joe!" (Billy was the left lense, Joe was the right, but that is insignificant.)

Shell-shocked an trembling, Rob scuttled over to his mother and wheezed "Mother! My glasses were crushed by a holy banana from the heavens."

"Don't be ridiculous," his cruel mother snapped, suddenly growing a crooked nose and various warts, pimples, and other defects all over her face. She picked up a broom and beat Rob with it. "I want to hear no more such nonsense! Now get on your bus!!"

So Rob, heartbroken and Glasses-free, went out to get on the bus. But unfortunately, he tripped and fell and got in the way of a car and died. WHen he opened his eyes, he saw a great bright light and what looked like a sunburned, hairless goat on its hind legs arguing.

"Well, I'M not taking him in," the goat huffed, crossing his arms. "He's never even HEARD of the seven sins."

"Well, I'm not taking him in, either," the bright light hollered, "Because he hasn't won an Oscar! In fact,he's never even gotten a Golden globe! The best he's acted was the lame school play!"

"What's WRONG with you?" the goat bellowed. "You used to take in people who had blown up buildings!"

"They dont' do it in my name anymore. Humans these days..." the bright light grumbled.

"YOU!" the goat suddenly said, realizing Rob was awake. "Get out! I have a very important client to meet! He was the founder of the newest cult. We usually don't do reincarnation, but in the case of finally meeting a person who actually worships me, I think we can break the laws of physics.'

"But my life means nothing without my glasses," Rob said. "Why can't I go to heaven?"

"Because you didn't get an Oscar," God said, as if this was the meaning of life. "Don't be ridiculous."

ANd the next thing Rob knew, his mother was kicking him to school.

"I don't care if you tripped and fell! Get your lazy ass to school!"

"But I can't see!" Rob whined obnoxiously.

"SQUINT! It's GOOD FOR YA!"

And that is why February 15th is national squinting day. it should actually be the fourteenth and it was for a year, but they changed it. It was turned to the 15th because the Media greatly feared that people squinted wouldn't be able to see a Valentines Day sale if it stripped naked in front of them, gyrating wildly to sexy music.

Well, that was mildly entertaining.

I'm leaving for exciting Arkansas today, so I shan't be posting for this week, or the week of break. So y'all takes cares of you's selves, and don't lick frozen poles.
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