Monday, January 7, 2008

   ehm..bad day...
Well... I had a b-day party to go to Saturday. My friend, Cassie stayed the night friday to go to it. We had an ok time. We went for a walk and found a case filled with CDs. They were all crap though. I can see why someone probably threw them out a car window. I got to stay at Cassie's house.
We drank but I payed for a 6-pack of Zimas. It was $10. I had 3 Zimas and a coke with some gin. I was really sick... I know I had too much. We had church Sunday and after that I went with her to her boyfriend's (Emmett) house. I felt really awkward. I didn't know anyone there and Emmett and Cassie were sitting there kissing... Can you blame me for feeling out of place? We went skating... Then after an hour Emmett kinda stopped skating with us and I thought it was because of me. So me and Cassie skated for a bit and when there was 15 min. left before the rink closed, she went and talked to him. I skated for 5 min. before I sat out. Its no fun skating alone, you know? Then after another 5 min. they got up and I guess Emmett left the rink and Cassie told me to come on. While they took off their skates, I waited near them 'cause there was no place for me to sit and take mine off. When they were done, Emmett walked away and Cassie took off after him. They left me alone and I wasn't pleased. I was sure it was because of me then. When my skates were off and returned I went to find them but couldn't. Then they walked outside and we got into the van. Cassie didn't talk to me at all but she chatted with Emmett. I felt really sad and guilty. So I cried and clawed at my hand. I decided to tell my family I did it while skating. Anyway, Cassie didn't talk to me on the way from the rink back to Emmett's house. Then when they stopped there, she saw my hand and asked me what I did. I told her and she got mad at me. Then guess what? When I needed her most she walked away from me! She said she couldn't keep Emmett waiting even though her friend needed her, she went to him. She didn't talk to me on the way from there to the church either, she chatted with Emmett. Emmett and his dad left and I tried talking to her but she ignored me. Of course I was angry that she had been ignoring me all night. We got into her dad's car and she still wouldn't talk to me. We stopped at a store and her dad got out. Then I asked her why she wasn't going to sit with me. She told me she hated how everytime something happened between her and Emmett, something went wrong with me internally. She said I had to stop feeling guilty for ever little thing that happened between her and Emmett. She said I was stupid to do that to my hand and that she only got to see Emmett twice a week. She said I saw her through the week but thats during school and you can hardly talk during school. Then her dad came in the car and we drove to her grandma's. Cassie got in the back with me as her dad went inside. She yelled at me some more and I started to cry again. I said I was sorry for being stupid and I said it so I wouldn't lose my only friend. Her dad came in the car and he took me home. Im still upset at her. Am I right to be? Or am I really being stupid about it? I know she only sees him twice a week at church and all but it seems when I'm around he has a problem of some kind. She says its not my fault and that he likes me but I don't think so. Sunday was like a slap in the face for me. When I see them kissing or cuddling, I feel lonely. I don't have anybody like that. I guess I clawed my hand out of guilt (I really thought I did something and Cassie didn't really tell me it wasn't me until we were in her dad's car and even then she doesn't know what his problem was) and out of lonliness...
Cassie has a boy friend, what does she need a best friend for anyway? I know Im nothing but a pain and a burden to everyone. I shouldn't have gone skating, maybe things would have turned out differently but you can't change the past. Thats a harsh reality.
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