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myOtaku.com: InuyashaGirl8803


Wednesday, March 30, 2005

   Hope and Faith
I spoke to my mother today. I told her about everything that's been bothering me. I told her that she wasn't treating me the way a mother should.

To help you understand, when I was young and living with my mother I was abused. My mother would get drunk and if I did something wrong she would go overboard with it and we would end up fighting. It's easy for me to talk about because I think talking is the thing that's helped me get through it so I've always been willing to talk about it.

Tonight though I finally felt that it's gone too far. Everytime my sister or my mom or my cousin living in Florida calls, my little sister staying with us doesn't tell me so I never get to talk to them. But tonight I overheard my little sister and I knew who she was talking to and I managed to get a hold of the phone.

First I talked to my 15 year old sister Gabriel (pronounced Gabrielle). I talked to her about a few minor things and I talked to her about how she never seems to want to talk to me. She just swore at me and I gave the phone back to my little sister.

My step mother, Michelle, came in and talked to me. She told me that I have to talk to them. I know it's not going to go away unless I do. My dad came into my room and said, "I don't know why you do it when you know all you're doing is hurting yourself." I hurts him to see me like that. Crying and all. But I do it because I want to fix things between myself and the rest of my family.

When I got on the phone with my mom I brought it to her attention that I have been hurting for so many years because of what she did to me when I was a little girl. She told me that she thought my imagination was running away with me because she didn't remember any of that happening. She was drunk all the time then so I'm not surprised.

She kept saying, "Why this all of a sudden?" It's not all of a sudden. I just finally felt I was ready to talk about it, but I see now that I may be ready but she isn't. She needs more time. She told me that I was starting to sound like her, and I said I don't want to sound like her I want to sound like myself.

I made her cry. And I hope she'll think about everything I said to her tonight. I hope instead of reaching for a beer, or drugs or pills she sits down and thinks about what I've said... But all I can do is hope.

I pray for my mother all the time. It hurts me knowing that me living in West Virginia and her living in Florida, I can't do anything to make sure she's on the right track in life... All I have is hope and faith. Faith in God, and hope that he'll help my mother fix her life. I want my relationship with her to be better. I want things right between us.
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