Monday, October 3, 2005

"Some how I ended up here in between / where there is always the comfort of knowing that I'll never be seen / when I fall"
"The Despair Factor," AFI, The Art of Drowning. Aside from the fact that it is the lovely CD I'm listening to at the moment, it's also a good lead in for today's post.

A few days back I ranted a bit about being stuck between an adult and a child. I believe that the few people who read this site with any kind of regularity find themselves in this same place (even if they don't feel like it because when you're seventeen your not really a child anymore but you aren't considered an adult yet, either). This is a close on my feelings towards this subject unless there are further questions.

I am dependant upon my friends and family and I am immature. I don't know if knowing that I'm immature makes me more mature for knowing or more immature for not doing anything about it. I've been told that I need to become independant. I'm not exactly eager for independance. I am, but I'm not. Most of my identity is wrapped up in my family. I'm very close to my family and I wouldn't be who I am today without my family. "You can never go back." Once I make myself independant of my family I can never go back to being a part of that family unit. It's a fact of life. At this juncture I'm not willing to severe all of my ties (nor is that financially feasible). As far as maturity is concerned ... well, there are some adults who I feel are more immature than I am. Part of the reason why I am immature is the lack of "world experience." If everything goes well, and I get off me lazy bum, I'll be spending a semester over seas in the next year or two. Not only will that point establish my independance, but I'll also be getting some world experience.

At the moment, I've come full circle. I once again no longer really care if someone thinks of me as a child or as an adult. I seem to be stuck with the "oh, she's an innocent and she's good" label. I don't particularly like this lable, I don't like to be treated with kid gloves. The only way I can grow is if I'm not longer shielded. Yet it seems that people automatically want to shield me. I'll understand some day. I am now back to figuring out how I work in the world, what I am doing here, how I can better belong here, and taking my time becoming "a fully mature adult."

'Til next time...
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