Wednesday, February 14, 2007

It's over.
He broke up with me on Valentine's Day.

One of the days that already makes me depressed, since a year ago today my great grandma died.

And then, I tell Josh I love him, and he says, "you know what were broken up, its done, and I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change, boo ya!!!!!!"

I guess V-Day is destined to be horrible for me.

I say next year, I lock myself in my room, skip school, don't talk to anyone.

That way, I wont get hurt again.

But hey... I'll be okay, I guess. Life can't get much worse.
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Saturday, February 10, 2007

Current mood: depressed

Lead me on with your little game.
Obviously it brings you no shame.

While I sit here and wonder why.
You're living your life, high and dry.

I blame myself for our seperation.
I lose sleep, deprivation.

You still don't see.
How much it's hurting me.

Lead me on, go a head.
Another day, something I dread.

Life is void of a purpose.
There is no more "us."

Every night, I sit and wonder.
The same thoughts, I ponder.

You're leading me into heart ache.
But I guess you can't change fate?

Yet, I'm leading you on too.
I suppose it's just what we do.

A relationship full of lies.
We can't see as it slowly dies.

Yet we still lead each other on, it's pointless.
I suppose our realtionship is helpless.

Maybe we aren't meant to be.
And we just can't see.

That it's over.
Done for.
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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Lies
Everyday is a new decete.
Another lie laid in conctrete.
Hate me for what I was.
Fake everything, just because.
I feel alone and helpless.
All the times I tried, useless.

You lie, lie, lie.
And it makes me cry, cry, cry.
With every new lie, lie, lie,
I slowly die, die, die.

What's another night alone?
I wait for your call by my phone.
It never comes, what's new?
Alone again, losing sanity because of you.
I wish I could hear your voice.
But no, I have no choice.

You lie, lie, lie.
And it makes me cry, cry, cry.
With every new lie, lie, lie,
I slowly die, die, die.

With every lie,
I always cry,
And sooner or later,
youre going to realize,
Youre lies,
Cause my nightly cries,
Were the reason I died.

You lied...
I cried...
And I died...


(((First song, it sucks, but you know... practice maeks perfect)))
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Sunday, January 21, 2007

I can't...
I can't fake this happiness any longer. I am unhappy. I will never be happy. Was I ever happy? Not to my knowledge. I will never be happy, no matter how hard I try. The hole in my heart has been filled, but why do I still feel empty and alone? Empty happines, that is what I have. That is the closest thing I will have to being happy. Is and empty happy...
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Well, my boyfriend and I got into a fight today after school. See, he and I have been falling apart lately. This is the second time we have dated. The first time, I gave him my heart and soul. We fell apart, and I was crushed. Then we broke up, I dated Tony, mostly to try and get my mind off of "him." Well, it didn't really work. Yeah, I had fun and laughed and smiled with Tony, but I wasn't happy. It was almost like my heart was still with "him" and I could never get it back, or give it to anyone else.

Well, on to more recent things. He's grounded, right? He's been grounded since the 11th of December, and he's grounded until June 11 (what he did is not important or relevant to this). He asked me back out, over the phone, at 2:30 in the morning, the 29th of December. See, the few days before that night, alot of odd things happened between us. We started talking more, how I do not know.

Well, the night of the 27th, I got a text from him after we got off the phone, and it said "Schmooby." Which was the name he gave me when we first dated, back in August. So I was thinking, something is going on. I put it behind me, like it was nothing.

The next night, on the 28th, we were on the phone until about 2 am. We were both tired, so we decided to go to bed. I said something along the lines of, "Good night, [His name]." He replied, in a muffled tired voice, "Good night Schmooby. I love you." I froze, and said, "I...Love you too." Hesitated... I didn't say "love," I'm guessing, because I was scared to get caught up in the same mess again.

Later, at 2:30 am, he calls me back. He said, "Shelby, I have been thinking the past few minutes. I realized, letting us break up was the worst mistake I ever made. I still have really strong feelings for you... I have to ask you, will you go out with me?" I thought about it for a few seconds, and didn't reply. A lot of things went through my head, a lot of "what if?"s...

He said, "well?" and I answered, "Yes." We talked a few minutes, then got off. Neither of us could sleep that night. I know, because he texted me at about 4 or 5 in the morning, saying "I can't sleep..."

Things go well for about a week. School starts. All of the sudden, he stops calling. (Deja Vu?) I didn't think much of it at first, I knew his dad came home earlier when school was in and homework and what not. Two weeks, no phone call. The only time I talked to him was at lunch.

Last night, we were talking. Wow, first time in a while. Well, at the end of our really short conversation, I say "good night, I love you." He replies, "yeah, same here." What I got from it, was that he didn't want to say 'I love you' because he didn't mean it. It bothered me. I slept it off, but this morning I was still thinking about him, and what he didn't say.

So today, I texted one of our friends, because he was with "him" at the time. So I texted "him" on our friend's phone, here's our conversation:

Me: How come last night, when I said I love you, you didn't say it back?
Him: I said "same here."
Me: You didn't say it thoguh.
Him: I didn't want to type it.
Me: Really? Because what I got from it, was that you didn't want to say it, because you don't mean it...
Him: I don't have to say it to express it.
Me: But you don't express it either.
Him: I haven't had the chance.
Me: Alright... If you say so...
Him: Not if I say so. It's true. I've been grounded.
Me: I know you've been grounded.
Him: I've only told you a thousand times!
Me: I know you've been grounded! But you don't have to show you love me just when we're alone!
Him: What ever.
Me: I can tell you're mad at me.
Him: Why would I be mad?
Me: I don't know, just the way you're wording things it's like you're mad.
Him: Well you would be too if you were hounded for obvious things. I love you and thats that.
Me: Alright, I just feel like sometimes you don't... I'm sorry... I love you.
Him: I know. I'm giving the phone back, bye.

And that's that. So now that I've done and pissed him off, what should I do? I did kind of what Tony said to do -- Talk to him. I didn't do it in person, simply because I never see him and lunch isn't private enough. I believe him, definatly. What's a relationship with out trust? ... Our first time around.

Things are iffy. Last night, Kris was talking to Dustin... She told me what he said, and it made me feel really bad. He said something like, "I can sense things with [Him] and Shelby aren't going to work out." They will work out, I'll prove him wrong. Things will work out between us if we want them to. We'll have to work hard at it, but that will just make the good feel better.

Here's another thing with this boy that's been bothering me. I think I put it in an earlier post, but I can't remember. There's this feeling I get everytime I hear his name, see his face, hear his voice... It's like a sinking, heavy feeling in my chest area. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you cry, except instead of there being a lump in your throte, it's in your chest. I loose my breath, I start getting hot and sweaty. I'll shake, violently sometimes, when I think about him. I don't know what it is. Why is this happening? Why is it ony with him? I wasn't like this with Zack. And Zack and I dated 2 months longer than me and "him" did!

It scares me, but it also makes me happy. It's not a bad feeling. It makes me smile. But it scares and confuses me, because I don't know what it is.

I think earlier I said I think I love this boy. Do I? Could that be this feeling?

So many unanswered questions...
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Sunday, January 7, 2007

Worst Birthday party... Ever.
My party = Didn't happen

I woke up at 11 with a pounding head ache.
You know, they hangover kind of head ache.

So I started cleaning my room, since Dustin was coming over early at 3.
I started feeling sick to my stomach, and I was really dizy.

I sat down for about 2 hours. It was now 2 O'clock, Dustin would he here in an hour.
My dad came down stairs and started hooking up the RF modulater for my Game Cube.

He felt my head, and told me I needed to go upstairs and see mom.
I got my temprature taken, and it was 94.8.

Then I sat on the couch, got the feeling in my throte you get before you throw up, and ran to the bathroom.
Well you don't need the details of that.

Mom called everyone and told them my party was cancelled and why.
I went to my parent's room, layed down, got sick again, and fell aslep.

I woke up at 5, and I felt amazingly better.
I wanted to call everyone and tell them to come.

But I thought it was too short notice. I feel asleep again.
I woke up, and mom told me to go down stairs.

So I did, they had already eaten my cake, I didn't get to see it.
I still had a massive headache.

I watched the Seatle/Dallas game, then got on here.
I talked to Dustin, he has fallen in love.

He got his Bach Stratavarious (sp?) today.
If you don't know, it's an absolutly amazing trumpet!!

And then it's now.
I feel horrible for cancelling.

And I still have a pounding head ache.
Tuba's are beasts, we don't get sick.

Except me and Allison.
She got sick at the parade, I got sick today.

We're beastly pansies, go us.
Yeah. Todday couldn't have gone any worse.

Tomorrow's another day.
Live for tomorrow, forget today.

Hope y'all had a better day then me.
If you had a crappy day, there's always tomorrow!

Shooby
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Saturday, January 6, 2007

I so copied this off my Myspace blog and added some stuff lol
"All I Needed"
Current mood: infuriated


You were my everything, my all.
I was completed until you let me fall.

You were all that I ever needed, all I had.
You're gone now, left me broken and sad.

If you only knew how much you mean to me.
Just think how much happier we could be.

We loved eachother, what happened to us?
I guess you lied to just cover it up?

It wouldn't be anything new, your lies.
I think of them and every night I cry.

You were all I needed to be happy forever.
When did you think of that?? Never.

You led me on, and it's gone for too long.
I'm fucking sick of it, it doesn't belong.

You were all I had, my last life line.
You had your life, now I take mine.

I hope your happy, so see me hiding this.
And everynight I want to, but miss.

I don't, wont, and can't love you anymore!
I wish I could, life I did before.

You don't know how much I want you.
I had you, and lost you. What did I do?

You're the reason for all my writings, lies, and cryings.
No one see's my heart has stoped, and I'm slowly dying.

You killed me, your lies and promises that were broken.
Stomped on my heart, "I love you," you were only jokin.

See what it's done to me? Taking what you wanted.
All I asked was to feel you care. It's all I needed.

You treated me like dirt sometimes, I was nothing.
To get away, forget about you, I was only hoping.

You poisen me with every word you say!
Every time you speak my heart's filled with dismay!

Get out of my head! I don't want this anymore! Please stop!
It's all I needed!! Broken promises, the lies, the hatred, to stop!!

Shut up, You're not important to me!! I HATE YOU!!
What am I saying? You're all I need. I LOVE YOU!

My heart doens't know anymore what it feels.
It's your fault, you're words and dirty deals.

It was all that I needed... No, not what you're thinking.
I need closure and security in my heart. But it's slowly sinking.

You came into my life and opened my eyes.
I know now, love is a compromise.

You gained everything you wanted,
And I got everything I needed.



I think you may know who this is about... I'm sorry, I kind of lost it today... I went home sick from school and had some alone time to think. You know what happens when I think. I over analyze everything. I thought about me and an ex-boyfriend who will remained un-named. I thought about everything we did, everything we said, and I got pissed. I wrote and wrote and wrote in my diary. Then I changed it into poem. So yeah... The honest truth, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I know what I plan on doing like college wise, but life wise, I don't know. I don't know who my friends will be in 10 years, (course no one does, do they?). I don't know if I found the one I love, and lost him. I don't want to think, "what if I didn't break up with him?".... It consumes my life now, at 16. What am I going to do, when I'm 35, single, living alone, and I'm thinking, "what if?".... I don't know. I think I'm thinking too much...
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Friday, January 5, 2007

Today's my birthday!!
Well technically it was yesterday since I posted it on the 5th but you know. Brooke told Duran Alexander (Shaun Alexander's lil bro, and the pep band coordinator) That is was my birthday.. And yeah haha. I PLAYED TUBA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER!!!! >.> Hehe. It sounded horrible.. I was playing clarinet first quarter, then ctmbals for half the 1st quarter too.. So I had a clarinet embechure(i cant spell!) and then I went to tuba and I'm like... <.< .... >.>.... >.< AH! Yeah. Haha.

Okay, here's an interesting conversation about pirhannas between me and persnon "A" (from the last post) haha. Here goes... {[BY THE WAY, THERE'S SEXUAL REFERENSES IN THIS!!!]}

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:32:34 PM): so are you bored? im bored. you should be like bored with me, then we can take nice hott long showers together with man-eating pirhannas swimming about in the water at the bottom of the tub

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:33:14 PM): haha i dont know if thats like hot or painful!

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:33:51 PM): haha but they are sexy man-eating pirhannas who know how you do a ballet

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:34:28 PM): but they eat people... wed have no toes

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:35:04 PM): but their nice, sexy, man-eating pirhannas who know how to do a ballet

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:35:26 PM): but what if one bit your pecker?!

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:35:31 PM): that'd like hurt

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:35:47 PM): the water in the tub doesnt go that high up silly

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:35:55 PM): they can jump

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:36:07 PM): like go "floosh!" and come out of the water

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:36:47 PM): alrighty. lets see...their nice, sexy man-eating pirhannas who know how to do a ballet, but hate the taste of peckers

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:37:09 PM): but how can something hate the taste ofer peckers?? like seriously...

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:37:33 PM): the cum gets caught in their teeth. they dont like that feewing.

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:37:49 PM): but thats a fun feeling

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:37:52 PM): they suck.

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:38:21 PM): they're sucky, nice, sexy man-eating pirhannas who know how to do a ballet, but hate the taste of peckers.

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:39:12 PM): hehe alrighty, no sucky, nice, sexy, man-eating pirhannas who know how to do a ballet, but hate the taste of peckers. just me you, hot water, steam, slippery bodies to rub against.

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:39:48 PM): haha really now?

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:40:13 PM): only if you'd like

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:40:21 PM): i can't do that now

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:40:36 PM): but you can imagine. its like window shoppin

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:40:44 PM): (check out the display name) [{On Myspace, it says "Shun the nice, sexy, maneating parhannas!"

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:41:38 PM): Haha! That's amazing!!

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:41:50 PM): hehe i hope ya know what "shun" means

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:42:01 PM): its like... "gr on them"

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:42:06 PM): if that makes any sense...

PERSON A (1/4/2007 11:42:28 PM): its more like "grr on them and never speak to them ever and ever again!" shun lol

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:42:37 PM): lol

Shelby (1/4/2007 11:42:51 PM): effing pirhannas


Yeah.... This confirms my friends are in-effing-sane!! Haha. Yeah...

Have a good day.

And remember, pirhannas are sexy and do ballet!!

!Shooby!
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Tuesday, January 2, 2007

I don't trust anyone where I live...
I've kept a secret for someone, about him and me. And what happened, was before he told me to keep it secret, I let it slip to someone I thought I can trust with everything. And that person (will be called "A") let slip to the person I kept the secret for's brother (Brother will be "B", secret keeper will be "C"). So, B told A's sister, who by the way has the biggest mouth in the school...

However, I didn't know A let slip to B... And knowing how C was, I figured C told about our secret.

When I found out B knew about the secret, I IMed "A" About it, and here's what it is.


Shelby: So you know how C said we wouldn't tell anyone about us yet?

A: yeah. who'd he tell?

Shelby: B, and B told [A's Sister]

A: really..how you know?

Shelby: [A's Sister] told me

A: how'd you know C told B?

Shelby: how else would B have found out? whenever C calls, hes not around his family and he calls from his cell phone.

A: hmm...

Shelby: yeah.

Shelby: its just another broken promise, no big deal...

A: um...i wouldnt jump the gun on C too quick...

Shelby: why not?

A: bcuz C didnt tell B...

Shelby: then how did he find out?

A: it kinda slipped...i let one thing slip, then B guessed it from there. i told B specifically not to tell anyone..

Shelby: oh.... well B told {A's Sister]..

A: and i think i know C'c strategy with this...[A's Sister] has the biggest mouth ever. i mean it too. she cant be trusted with any secret what so ever.she ends up telling people.

Shelby: why would B do that though?

A: he could. but idk why he would.

Shelby: okay....

A: im sorry..he said somethin like "haha you know what sucks? C aint got no one to ring in the new year with haha." i mumbled (but B heard) "i wouldnt be so sure bout that."

So! C didn't tell B, so now I know I can trust C. However, I lost trust in A... I told A alot of things... Why should I believe A wouldn't let slip those things?

I pretty much stopped trusting C when C lied and broke promises in 06. Then I guess my gullible-ness showed up when I started trusting C again...

But now I trust C, and don't trust A or B or A's Sister... Course the only other person I trust 100% is Dustin... Everyone else has at some point let something slip about me...

Sometimes I wish I could move. So I can start over, you know? But I can't leave Dustin and C here... I love them too much to do that to them...

And just when I think I can trust people again... This is what happens.

Shit...
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Monday, January 1, 2007

I've lost all trust in everyone where I live...
I've kept a secret for someone, about him and me. And what happened, was before he told me to keep it secret, I let it slip to someone I thought I can trust with everything. And that person (will be called "A") let slip to the person I kept the secret for's brother (Brother will be "B", secret keeper will be "C"). So, B told A's sister, who by the way has the biggest mouth in the school...

However, I didn't know A let slip to B... And knowing how C was, I figured C told about our secret.

When I found out B knew about the secret, I IMed "A" About it, and here's what it is.


Shelby: So you know how C said we wouldn't tell anyone about us yet?

A: yeah. who'd he tell?

Shelby: B, and B told [A's Sister]

A: really..how you know?

Shelby: [A's Sister] told me

A: how'd you know C told B?

Shelby: how else would B have found out? whenever C calls, hes not around his family and he calls from his cell phone.

A: hmm...

Shelby: yeah.

Shelby: its just another broken promise, no big deal...

A: um...i wouldnt jump the gun on C too quick...

Shelby: why not?

A: bcuz C didnt tell B...

Shelby: then how did he find out?

A: it kinda slipped...i let one thing slip, then B guessed it from there. i told B specifically not to tell anyone..

Shelby: oh.... well B told {A's Sister]..

A: and i think i know C'c strategy with this...[A's Sister] has the biggest mouth ever. i mean it too. she cant be trusted with any secret what so ever.she ends up telling people.

Shelby: why would B do that though?

A: he could. but idk why he would.

Shelby: okay....

A: im sorry..he said somethin like "haha you know what sucks? C aint got no one to ring in the new year with haha." i mumbled (but B heard) "i wouldnt be so sure bout that."

So! C didn't tell B, so now I know I can trust C. However, I lost trust in A... I told A alot of things... Why should I believe A wouldn't let slip those things?

I pretty much stopped trusting C when C lied and broke promises in 06. Then I guess my gullible-ness showed up when I started trusting C again...

But now I trust C, and don't trust A or B or A's Sister... Course the only other person I trust 100% is Dustin... Everyone else has at some point let something slip about me...

Sometimes I wish I could move. So I can start over, you know? But I can't leave Dustin and C here... I love them too much to do that to them...

And just when I think I can trust people again... This is what happens.

Shit...
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