Sunday, December 31, 2006

Yay.
My nightmares stopped. I figured out why they started too. I realized that I was being selfish with Josh. He's the main one that gets killed... Just that last one was all 4... I was being selfish for trying to make him love me again. Well, they stopped also because he talked to me. He told me the 110% honest truth about how he felt. And I told him exactally how I felt. Now, I feel amazingly better. Since now Josh and I are more then just cool with each other now. Hehe.

Yup. So anyways... I had a dream last night about Josh... >.> It wasn't like a nightmare. It was more like... I dunno. But what it was, was this! Okay, so we're seniors, and it's the last marching band rehearsal at band camp. Well, Josh take's Mr. Webber (our band diresctor)'s Dr. Beat mic, and says, "Shelby, come to the 50 yard line please..." And he gets off the drum major podeum (some how he's drum major haha). And we go to the 50, in the middle of the field where the whole band and our parents can see... and he says, "We've been dating for 3 years on this day, and I think it's time I do something..." He gets on one knee and says, "Schmooby, will you marry me?" Haha. Then it's just a cliche the rest of the dream. The band GASPS! and Claps when I say yes and we have the stupid spinny kissy thingy... Yeah. Then we march our show for the other bands at camp to see, and we win all the trophies for like, the swimming comp. and all that crap... I woke up in cold sweat hehe.

I want some toast... Do you want some toast? Cuz I want some FRENCH TOAST!!!! I love Lindsey Wagner... (She's a senior baritone... GO LOW BRASS!)

Yeah. Haha.

Quote of the Day:
Me - Well, I'm sorry I suck so much!!
Josh - It's okay.
Me - No, it's not...
Josh - I like it when you suck.
Me - What?!
Josh - *perverted laugh* It's fun being perverted.

Schmooby is out!
=]
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Nightmares.
My nightmares have come back. I haven't had these since the end of 8th grade. Again, this is something I've never told anyone. See, my nightmares aren't about me, but about my friends. My worst fear, is losing the only ones who truley care and know me... That's why my nightmares scare me so bad. In 8th grade, I had these nightmares every night for about 6 months. Those who knew me then, I'm guessing you can now tell which 6 month time frame this was in? Well anyway... The other night, I had, by far, the worst of my nightmares. For those who don't know, Dustin, Megan, Duck, and Josh are my 4 best friends... They mean the world to me, and (obviously) I would be nothing with out them... What I dreamed, was horrible...

It was like a concentration camp. I was the one leading people to their deaths in the "showers." Well, Duck, Megan, Dustin, and Josh came up next in line.... I remember what they said... Josh - "Why are you doing this? Help us get away!" Duck - "Aren't you going to do something for us?" Megan - "We are going to die if you don't help us!" Dustin - "I thought you were my friend... I guess not." Then they went in, and I could hear them screaming and crying and suffering.... Then I had to move their dead bodies to the creamatory where they would get burned... And I had to watch their bodies burn... It scared the holy hell out of me... I woke up in cold sweat, I was shaking, and I started crying. I wrote down how I felt and (as usual) it ended up as a poem. Here it is -

Dreams gone bad,
Of which is sad.

Scared for my friends,
Even after it ends.

They suffer and die,
My dream becomes a lie.

I am left alone,
In this hellish zone.

My life is my nightmare,
That I cannot repair.

Will I ever awaken,
From a life mistaken?

I watch their pain,
With no personal gain.

Wont somebody awaken me?!
They're dying, don't you see?!

Then I open my eyes.
My nightmare hides.

Basically... It's kind of a metaphor, of my life with out those four (HAH! That rhymed)... And it scares me. I hate watching my friends suffer and me not do anything. That's what every one of my nightmares were about. I know it's silly for me to worry like this over just a dream... But I can't help it. I'm trying to fight it from phasing me, but I'm losing.

Another thing, I don't know why these dreams have come back. Last time, I lost someone I thought was a friend to some stupid whore down the street from him. But this time, nothing between any of my friends and I went wrong or bad... And I don't get it. These nightmares are keeping me from falling asleep at night. I dred night time, because I have to sleep, and when I sleep I dream. When I dream, it's of my nightmares.

I don't know what to do. I'm guessing shut my mouth and tough it out like last time? What's another six months of my life, right?...
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Break-down in School...
I was thinking about all Tony said, about cutting... About, how everything he said that would happen... Did. I'm scared to have people touch me, for fear of them seeing what I did. The only people I know I can trust to see those cuts, and not freak out on me, are Tony and Dustin... Simply because they are the friends I tell everything to. So anyway, on to the break-down. In english, I was thinking, and started crying. I wrote, pages upon pages of what I was thinking and feeling. No one noticed me crying, simply becuase everytime a tear began to fall I'd wipe it away... And the tears were silent. This lasted an hour, and still, no one noticed...

I wrote a poem, about Dustin... He helped me the night before last, when I made the mistake... This is my poem, "For My Best Friend"

Someone has always been there for me.
The way he treats me is wonderful.
This is something I have recently come to see.

He has kept me living,
Of that I am truly greatful.
He just keeps on giving.

Without him, I would be nothing.
I'd be dead, no more.
This boy, is my everything.

He's my bestfriend.
He's never left my side.
We'll be there for eachother til the end.

I can tell him all,
I trust him with my life.
And he helps me when I fall.

Haven't you heard?
My best friend's name,
Is Dustin Sheppard.
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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Joshua Taylor, the boy I thought I loved...
Lied to me.
Stopped trusting me.
Stopped caring about me.
I did something wrong.
And he wont tell me what.
Or why.
Why, he drug it out.
Why, he broke my heart.
Why, I still love him...

Well Josh? What is it?
You gonna grow the balls to tell me to my face?!
Or are you just going to sit there, and lead me on.
Again.
Answer my fucking questions!
For freaks sake!
I sit here every freaking day!
Waiting for you to answer the one question that has been on my mind since you stopped caring!!

WHY?!

Josh...
Please.
You have no idea how much this hurts me.
I love you.
I want to know what I did to make you stop trusting me.
Please...
PLEASE...

You're not going to read this...
So what's the damn point?

I try to talk to you about it.
Then we both get upset and stop talking about it.

Please... Josh.
If you do actually read this.
Answer my question.
If that's the last thing you ever say to me, was "I think you hate me, Shelby."
Then so be it.

I love you.
You don't know how much.
I cry, writing this.
I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU.

Why wont you answer me?
I cry your name...
You ignore me.

It's tearing me up inside.
I guess it's my fault.
I wont get over you.

...

Please answer me.
WHY
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Sunday, December 3, 2006

Still not over him...
Something happened today.
I was talking to my friend.
We were talking about something that happened last year.
I meant to say, "John, I love you."
Since he is one of my best friends.
But, insted of saying "John."
I said "Josh."
You know what that means?
When you think you are over someone.
And that happens...
You're not over that person at all.
In fact, you're in love with that person.
It tears me up inside.
I know I will never have him back.
And I cried, when Tony explained it to me.
I cried, because I knew in my heart it is true.
I still love Josh.
Even at 15, I just have this feeling.
It's not lust, or puppy love.
I know what puppy love is.
And I know what lust feels like.
This is more.
More, meaning a deeper feeling then that of childish crushes.
You don't believe me, I know you don't.
You're thinking, "She's 15, she doesn't know love."
Question is, do you?
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Friday, December 1, 2006

Piccys and some shiz
So I'm feeling a heck of alot better then I was from my last post hehe. I had soo much fun today in Rebel Alliance, I gotta tell ya.

So Tony stayed after. I didn't ask him to he kinda did. We sat there from about 300-430 just talking. It was amzing. Then at 430 we had to leave.

I had to go to the bathroom really bad, so I told Tony to watch my stuff while I was in there. So I go in, do my business, and turn the corner and BOOM! Tony's standing right there, in the chika's bathroom. I was like O.O HOLY SHIZ!! Then I tried to open the door and Duncan (drum line, 4th bass) was keeping us in there. Nuffin happened... Sadly lol.

POWER OUTAGE! The power was out at school from about 8 to 11 today. Yeah, that's 3 hours. We're supposed to be sent home after an hour and a half of no power, cuz you know, no heating, computers all that stuff.

Kids were calling there parents to tell them to pick them up, since the school was breaking the law (the whole hour and a half thing). Codie Estes was calling his mom to pic him up. Then Ms. Somthing (idk her namehehe) Takes his phone out of his hand and hangs it up, and he gets written up. Then he makes this argument, that totally made sense and I'll back him up if they ask me to. There's kids going home (the powers still out) and the phones are out, so that means they'd have to use their cell phones. Codie says, "Why is it that you choose me, of the other 8 thousand kids in this school to take their phones away, when you know for a fact they used their phones to call their parents?" Then the teacher was like, "Oh, you're jelous your mommy isn't here to pick you up?" I'm like, "You know, Ms. -I knew her name then hehe- you're just making yourself look like a complete dis shit right now, right?" She gave me a bad look, then Floyd came in. Codie left with him, and when he went out the door of the class room, he punched the wall.

I think Codie had every damn right to be mad. Hell, if I was in his place I would have done the same thing.

Now, I gotta tell you what Fefe(Felix, or the Dominican) did to Tony's exgirlyfriend. Fefe was on Tony's YIM, and one of his ex's IMed him, (Thinking Fefe was Tony.) and they started to cyber. The whole time, she thought it was Tony. At teh time, Tony was downstairs with Aaron and Roger, and Fefe was in Tony's office upstairs. Once Fefe and Tony's ex got done, Fefe says to her, "By the way, this if Felix, Shaggy's friend." So Tony got all mad at him, and threatened to kick him out of his house and what not. I thoguht it was kinda funny hehe.

OAKY!! Piccys of meh! Since like, only 3 of my MyO friends know what I look like. Now, those who actually read my posts and stuff, will know what I look like! hehe.


Me and Josh the day he asked me out, on the way home from band camp. (I miss him, and I'm not letting him go... I should, but I'm not... Bad Shooby!!)


I was sad. That was the day I thought my life was going to end. Seriously.


Me actually smiling hehe.


Me and Lisa!!!

Yeah. Thats me. They're gay, I know hehe.
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Monday, November 27, 2006

Back to Old Habits...
I cut again.
Why?
My dad saw Tony kiss me.
I got screamed at.
Bitched at.
"You're a disappointment to this family."
"I'm so disgusted and pissed off right now, I don't want to see or talk to you."
And mom is back in the hospital.
Like last year, for the same reason.
De Ja Vu...
She died twice, last year.
Urgh.
I know what I did is bad.
But I feel better.
I haven't done that in about a year and a half.
Is it bad, that I feel better?
Hah, I lied.
I still feel like complete and total shit.
*sigh*
It's over now.
My life.
Literally.

Quote:
"You're a disappointment to this family."
"I'm so disgusted and pissed off right now, I don't want to see or talk to you."
Daddy.
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Sunday, November 19, 2006

   Yeah so I need some advice and guidance... (Warning::: explicit shiz in here!!)
So seriously. Tuba girls have a thing for pit guys. Josh and I broke up, by the way. We were better as friends anyways. and {someone} asked me out and yeah!

(Im not putting his name on here for reasons that you guys don't know, so yeah)

But yeah, so {someone} and I have been going out for 6 days so far. and Friday, 5 days of dating, we did something kinda bad. I'm not gonna say it on here since it's kinda personal. But, I can tell you Shooby is still a virgin! So no need to worry there.

I told Dustin what {someone} and I did something, here's the massages. (this is the explicitish stuf I was talking about...)

It starts when we start talking about it...

Dustin: i cant remember who, but they said that he was like that. he loves sex. damn it, it has to be true, you two only just started going out. please promise me this shelby, do not do it with him. you want to wait, ask my sister, you dont want to have a baby, at least until you get out of high school. learn from her mistake. please shelby.

[Shelby]: You honestly would think I would do it with him? He's already asked about that, and I told him no, I was waiting. he said okay. And I know my limits, and how far I'm willing to go for a guy at this point. He's not going past that point, I promise you.

Dustin: .... i am not going to forgive him. i dont care anymore, from this point on, im an avenger. he will recieve tenfold if he hurts you, or anything of the sort. btw, blowjobs are considered sex. im sorry, but this is my true nature.

[Shelby]: it's okay... what are you not going to forgive him about?

Dustin: for asking you that horrible thing. i will not forgive him for doing this to one of my best friends. never.

Then we talked about something else.

So like, I dunno. I noticed I've been changing alot recently. Sexual activity is one of the things that I have really progressed quickly in. And I guess {Someone} is kind of the reason... but he doesn't make my desicions.. So I dunno.

I guess, I can say I'm kinda scared about my future... Wether or not I'll let my hormones get the best of me... That's happened before, and things were fucked up for about a year of my life after that.

I don't want that again... What should I do??
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Wednesday, November 8, 2006

poem
She couldn’t stand the pressure,
She took nothing for safe measure.

This façade she has led,
Must now come to it’s end.

Let it be open for all to see,
She is a failure to you any me.

The blood flows to her tips,
Paler are her lips.

Physical pain for emotional stress,
Her excuse for what something unconfessed.

Will she ever get it right?
Yes or no, and emotional fight.

We see her as a loser,
A failure a poser.

Her pain shall be felt,
By those who it delt.

The wounds slowly heal,
Scars she can still reveal.

Her pain never ended,
Her soul never defended.

Sweet death has taken her,
No more life for the better.
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Monday, November 6, 2006

Bands over!! NOO!!
:[ 2006 Rebel Brigade has officially ended, as of today at 6:03pm, the last time we will get dismissed by our current drum majots. :[

But hey, we know what our show next year is allready!! Fiddler on the Roof... Last time we did that show was a few years ago, we won all but 1 competition which we got RGC in.

So, my junior year is going to be hott.

Oh, and Josh and I are good. I had a little bitch fit infront of him now he acts like a guy instead of a pansy. :] hehe. Also, Dustin, James, and Josh got suspended Wednesday... The flipped the bird in the anime club picture...

Hehe, so did I, I just didn't get caught!! ;]

Quote:
...Our Dismissal...
Rebel Brigade. - Katie
Family!! - Band
Rebel Bridage. - Rachel
Excellence!! - Band
Rebel Brigade. - Adrienne
Pride!! - Band
Dismissed. - Katie
Rebels! - Band
Dismissed. - Rachel
Rebels! - Band
Dismissed. - Adrienne
Rebels! - Bans
WOOO! - All the losers who have no life (aka, bandies)

Piccy:

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