Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Well, my boyfriend and I got into a fight today after school. See, he and I have been falling apart lately. This is the second time we have dated. The first time, I gave him my heart and soul. We fell apart, and I was crushed. Then we broke up, I dated Tony, mostly to try and get my mind off of "him." Well, it didn't really work. Yeah, I had fun and laughed and smiled with Tony, but I wasn't happy. It was almost like my heart was still with "him" and I could never get it back, or give it to anyone else.

Well, on to more recent things. He's grounded, right? He's been grounded since the 11th of December, and he's grounded until June 11 (what he did is not important or relevant to this). He asked me back out, over the phone, at 2:30 in the morning, the 29th of December. See, the few days before that night, alot of odd things happened between us. We started talking more, how I do not know.

Well, the night of the 27th, I got a text from him after we got off the phone, and it said "Schmooby." Which was the name he gave me when we first dated, back in August. So I was thinking, something is going on. I put it behind me, like it was nothing.

The next night, on the 28th, we were on the phone until about 2 am. We were both tired, so we decided to go to bed. I said something along the lines of, "Good night, [His name]." He replied, in a muffled tired voice, "Good night Schmooby. I love you." I froze, and said, "I...Love you too." Hesitated... I didn't say "love," I'm guessing, because I was scared to get caught up in the same mess again.

Later, at 2:30 am, he calls me back. He said, "Shelby, I have been thinking the past few minutes. I realized, letting us break up was the worst mistake I ever made. I still have really strong feelings for you... I have to ask you, will you go out with me?" I thought about it for a few seconds, and didn't reply. A lot of things went through my head, a lot of "what if?"s...

He said, "well?" and I answered, "Yes." We talked a few minutes, then got off. Neither of us could sleep that night. I know, because he texted me at about 4 or 5 in the morning, saying "I can't sleep..."

Things go well for about a week. School starts. All of the sudden, he stops calling. (Deja Vu?) I didn't think much of it at first, I knew his dad came home earlier when school was in and homework and what not. Two weeks, no phone call. The only time I talked to him was at lunch.

Last night, we were talking. Wow, first time in a while. Well, at the end of our really short conversation, I say "good night, I love you." He replies, "yeah, same here." What I got from it, was that he didn't want to say 'I love you' because he didn't mean it. It bothered me. I slept it off, but this morning I was still thinking about him, and what he didn't say.

So today, I texted one of our friends, because he was with "him" at the time. So I texted "him" on our friend's phone, here's our conversation:

Me: How come last night, when I said I love you, you didn't say it back?
Him: I said "same here."
Me: You didn't say it thoguh.
Him: I didn't want to type it.
Me: Really? Because what I got from it, was that you didn't want to say it, because you don't mean it...
Him: I don't have to say it to express it.
Me: But you don't express it either.
Him: I haven't had the chance.
Me: Alright... If you say so...
Him: Not if I say so. It's true. I've been grounded.
Me: I know you've been grounded.
Him: I've only told you a thousand times!
Me: I know you've been grounded! But you don't have to show you love me just when we're alone!
Him: What ever.
Me: I can tell you're mad at me.
Him: Why would I be mad?
Me: I don't know, just the way you're wording things it's like you're mad.
Him: Well you would be too if you were hounded for obvious things. I love you and thats that.
Me: Alright, I just feel like sometimes you don't... I'm sorry... I love you.
Him: I know. I'm giving the phone back, bye.

And that's that. So now that I've done and pissed him off, what should I do? I did kind of what Tony said to do -- Talk to him. I didn't do it in person, simply because I never see him and lunch isn't private enough. I believe him, definatly. What's a relationship with out trust? ... Our first time around.

Things are iffy. Last night, Kris was talking to Dustin... She told me what he said, and it made me feel really bad. He said something like, "I can sense things with [Him] and Shelby aren't going to work out." They will work out, I'll prove him wrong. Things will work out between us if we want them to. We'll have to work hard at it, but that will just make the good feel better.

Here's another thing with this boy that's been bothering me. I think I put it in an earlier post, but I can't remember. There's this feeling I get everytime I hear his name, see his face, hear his voice... It's like a sinking, heavy feeling in my chest area. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you cry, except instead of there being a lump in your throte, it's in your chest. I loose my breath, I start getting hot and sweaty. I'll shake, violently sometimes, when I think about him. I don't know what it is. Why is this happening? Why is it ony with him? I wasn't like this with Zack. And Zack and I dated 2 months longer than me and "him" did!

It scares me, but it also makes me happy. It's not a bad feeling. It makes me smile. But it scares and confuses me, because I don't know what it is.

I think earlier I said I think I love this boy. Do I? Could that be this feeling?

So many unanswered questions...
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