Monday, October 16, 2006

I get depressed too easily...
It's over they gayest dumbest things too. Like, the following emo writings, is about a boy... Dumb, ne?

Well, first off, it's been almost a month since Josh and I have kiss like, a real one, not a little peck type of thing. (Which we haven't done in like two weeks.) Second, it's been almost a month since our last date and the last time we've seen eachother other then school things. Third, we haven't speaked on the phone for more then fifteen minutes the past 2 weeks.

Then tonight, I was going to the movies with Duck and Megan. Josh couldn't go, because apparently his dad wouldn't let him... Even though I was on the phone with him, and he never asked. We saw the Grudge 2. I hate scary movies by the way.

So we're watching the movie, it gets scary, I see Duck and Megan cuddling and Duck had his arm around her. It made me feel left out because well, it's ben almost a month since I had that.

But the thing is, I know Josh loves me, and I love him. Just, sometimes I really don't think he shows it or cares sometimes. It pains me to say it, he's not that good of a boyfriend. I love, God knows I do, and I'm not saying I don't want to be with him anymore.

I'm just really confused about my emotions and shit right now. You know how girls get all emo at a certain time of the month? Well, this isn't that time for me.

I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't care about a boy. It's just not right. I always do this with boyfriends. I question their true meaning with me, and I fuck it all up in the end.

I say I love you. Then I just can't let go of the person I said it too. Then, I'm afraid of commitment. So, I'm kind of stuck. I'm scared to let Josh get close to me, so I shut him out. Yet, I've told him I love him and I want him close to me.

I just really don't understand my logic behind this. The same thing happened with Zack, almost exactally the same, just for different reasons. You know how that relationship ended? A massive, over blown fight. It drug in my friends, and just about crushed everyone in it because of what was said. Since then, Zack and I haven't said a single word to eachother.

I don't want that to happen with Josh. Josh was one of my best friends before we went out. I don't want to end in a massive fight with him.

Am I worrying too much? No, I'm not worrying... I'm thinking too deeply into things.

Maybe I should shut up before I start saying I wanna end it with Josh... Which I don't.

I wish it was back a month ago. In the movies, where we had our first kiss. That was one of the best nights of my life... I want it back so badly, you have no clue...

Then I hear people with puppy names for eachother... We just call eachother Josh and Shelby... I dunno. I getting too girly. Even though, it is nice to hear someone other then your mom call you honey... Or compliment you.

I'm stopping before I make myself cry even more...

Quote:
"On a day like this, you can't help but want to die." - Unknown
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