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It's been forever since my last post, my myO kinda died. 0.o; But I need to blog, and this is the only place I can really do it without people I know in real life reading it. And I really want to write down everything that's happened in the past while, because when I graduate, I want to print out every blog I've written in the past few years and put it all together like a diary.
So, lately my love life, and life in general, has been a roller coaster. But just this past week, I started going out with this guy named Dillon who was my friend Rachel's ex. He pretty much pursued me, and I figured, oh hell, why not? He's cute, nice body, has a southern accent and plays guitar. I felt completely alone and worthless, and I was just looking for anything to make me feel like I was worth something to someone.
Well, back up, said loneliness was because of this guy named Alex, who was only a fuck buddy, for lack of a better term, and as shallow and whoreish as that may seem, I realized that he was amazing and found myself falling in love with him. And I'm not the type who falls in love with like... anyone. Ever. I guard my heart quite closely. Well, we had this whole awesome totally open and honest friendship thing going on, but I didn't think he actually liked me as more than a friend. As much as I wished he did, I let it go because it seemed that we had this kinda sex with no commitment thing going on, so I couldn't hold it against him. But then I heard that he liked someone else, and that basically broke my heart, because it made me feel like I was good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be loved.
So after a few weeks of basically feeling like I wasn't good enough for Alex, Dillon came along. So I figured, oh why not? Well, we started going out this past Monday. (today is saturday... well technically sunday) And all he wants from me is sex. He wanted to hang out yesterday afternoon and just go parking somewhere, and I actually agreed to it, thinking it would just be a fun time. And then I realized that I had absolutely no desire to sleep with him, and that him talking about it really made me feel uncomfortable, because I felt like that's all he wanted me for. So I lied to him and told him my mom wouldn't let me leave the house, and that it could wait until sunday afternoon, which is tomorrow.
This morning, I woke up realizing that I wish I still had Alex, because Dillon only made me feel like trash, and being with Alex was just amazing. Even though we never went out, I was totally happy just hanging with him in his bedroom, watching anime and playing guitar hero, and I felt like the luckiest, prettiest girl in the world. I could tell him anything, and no matter what problem I had, even if it was about another guy, Alex always gave the best advice. Funny thing is, he only just turned 16 last week, I'll be 18 in March, so I'm like a year and a half older than him. Dillon is 2 months older than me, but he's shallow as fuck.
So then, today, by chance, Alex calls me. I've hardly talked to him for the past month except a few random IM conversations. So I tell him all about everything with Dillon, and how messed up my entire life is because of him, and how I feel like a whore, and totally used. And he just made everything better, like fucking magic. 0_o; He helped me sort out my feelings, and gave me advice, and said some terribly sweet things inbetween that definitely made my day.
He basically told me that Dillon is an asshole and I should dump him, which I think I already knew but couldn't put into words. Then we went on to talk about how Alex should have asked me out when he had the chance, but he's just not ready for a relationship, as cliche as that sounds. And I'm completely ready to wait as long as he wants me to, because I fucking love that kid.
So now I feel the need to post parts of my convo with Alex today. xD
Alex (6:32:25 PM): why did u have to go date someone lol
Me (6:34:00 PM): because when someone with a six pack asks you out, you don't say no. period.
Me (6:34:04 PM): o.o;;
Alex (6:33:27 PM): ...
Me (6:34:20 PM): xD maybe I'm shallow
Alex (6:33:41 PM): lol
Alex (6:33:45 PM): thanks for making me feel good
Me (6:35:00 PM): sorry ><;
Alex (6:34:22 PM): lol
Me (6:35:14 PM): I don't know why the hell I'm actually going out with him
Alex (6:34:33 PM): lol im not the boss of you
Alex (6:34:35 PM): dont feel sorry
Alex (6:34:36 PM): :]
Alex (6:35:18 PM): i didnt act fast enough.
Me (6:36:18 PM): haha, you shouldve
Alex (6:35:54 PM): im just not ready for a relationship is all
Alex (6:37:04 PM): at this point in time
Me (6:38:09 PM): well, I thought I was, but I can't deal with this. 0.o; all he wants me for is sex. >>;
Later...
Alex (6:44:42 PM): just dont bang him
Alex (6:44:45 PM): :]
Me (6:45:48 PM): D: thats difficult, we basically planned on it tomorrow >>;;;;
Alex (6:45:12 PM): omfg
Alex (6:45:21 PM): now thats whoreish lol
Me (6:46:07 PM): I know >>;
Alex (6:45:35 PM): u were suppose to bang me when u needed another lay
Alex (6:45:35 PM): lol
Me (6:46:28 PM): well... he started it, not me.
Alex (6:45:51 PM): how did he start it
Alex (6:46:07 PM): wah
Alex (6:46:08 PM): be like
Alex (6:46:10 PM): it needs to wait
Alex (6:46:12 PM): then dump him
Alex (6:46:21 PM): cause if THAT early in a relationship hes like
Alex (6:46:21 PM): SEX
Alex (6:46:26 PM): thats gonna turn out going no where
Alex (6:46:47 PM): not even a week
Alex (6:46:50 PM): thats just like
Alex (6:46:51 PM): eh
Me (6:47:39 PM): I know D= I told you, all he wants me for is sex. And that just makes me feel awesome ><;
Alex (6:47:04 PM): lol
Alex (6:47:06 PM): like i said
Alex (6:47:14 PM): i dont just want you for sex and you know that
Alex (6:47:15 PM): lol
Me (6:48:01 PM): I know
Alex (6:47:41 PM): :]
Alex (6:47:41 PM): good
Alex (6:47:46 PM): i mean you can be weird sometimes.
Alex (6:47:46 PM): well
Alex (6:47:57 PM): alot of the time but ur a pretty nice person.
Alex (6:48:00 PM): dont change for anyone :]
Me (6:48:55 PM): haha xD thanks
Alex (6:48:27 PM): be like
Alex (6:48:30 PM): it needs to wait
Alex (6:48:33 PM): and if hes like
Alex (6:48:37 PM): no
Alex (6:48:39 PM): be like mom,
Alex (6:48:41 PM): i dumped him
Alex (6:48:43 PM): he wanted sex
Me (6:49:28 PM): xDDDDDD
Alex (6:48:48 PM): PERFECT excuse
Alex (6:48:54 PM): now u better be like thanks alex
Me (6:49:40 PM): oh my god, that's genius.
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